Need break up advice

[jmbosh]

Well I hope I'm in the right section for this. I'm new to writing a post too. So here it goes...

I was in a relationship for only 7 months with a girl that was a non believer. The timing, how we met and the immediate connection we had was to both of us a pretty good sign we met for a reason. We were inseparable and became each others best friends. We discussed how crazy it was that we fell in love so fast, how happy both of us were to be with each other and never have had so much fun or felt so much for another person before. Basically it felt perfect. We had our little fights or arguments but I mean who doesn't? Nothing even close to either one of us thinking we need to break up. Anyways, thats the back ground on us. One day though, her ex of about 5 years that had cheated on her and treated her badly contacted her. They talked back and forth a little, caught up on what was going on in each others lives, how their families are doing and so on. Everything was still good but then he kept trying to talk to her and started trying to get her back and telling her how he's changed and really messing with her head the whole time. As being a christian and her not I realized it was probably God telling me this wasn't the type of relationship you should be in, having sex, her staying the night and being a non believer. So I've been praying to help me deal with this, praying for her, praying for her to come to know the lord. I know someone you share that connection with is one in a million and nothing in my mind or heart says move on and forget about her. Any out look or advice or encouragement on a situation like this would be helpful.

 

[dayhiker]

Jm, welcome to CF.

When I was young I'd not had a clue how to handle a situation like that.
Today, I'd want to talk with him and ask him why he is disrespecting me the way he is. I'd speak very softly and under control. Oh and keep it short. If he has truly change then he would respect your relationship with her.
I'd also talk with her, and remind her that he hasn't changed as he isn't respecting the relationship she has with me.

 

[jmbosh]

Hey thanks for the reply! I don't think talking with him is an option nor would it do any good. I have talked to her about everything. It's strange but awesome that we can have a relationship like this, but we talked about her thoughts on her going back to him/staying with me. It was clear to me but not her unfortunately that he hadn't changed and was using mind games to get to her. I would see the light of her realizing whats going on and that he is bad for her until he'd get back to talking to her and get her thinking his way again.

I can't even describe how weird it was for her to change her mind about every single thing she had said to me. Everyone that know us was so surprised, including her closest friends and family.

so thank you again dayhiker for you advice. I wish I could follow it. I guess all I can do is pray she opens her eyes and pray that I can see God's reasoning for all this and what I should do.

 

[seashale76]

Okay, let me see if I understand things here. She's dithering between the old bf and you? I'll be honest, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't make up their mind if they wanted to be with me or not. That's how you know the relationship won't ever really go anywhere. Make a clean break and be nice about it. Sure, pray for her, but missionary dating isn't the best idea in the world.

 

[LinkH]

I'm not clear from the post on whether she is stressed about the old boyfriend or is thinking about going back to him.

If she wants to go back to him, why not let her go? If she's an unbeliever, that's an easy way to break up. If she can't make up her mind, that in itself is a good enough reason to breakup.

Even if she weren't an unbeliever and this was someone you were dating and she starts talking about going back to her old boyfriend, that could be pretty disrespectful to bring something like that. Maybe disrespect isn't the right word. But if that topic comes up, I'd say that calls for an ultimatum. "Well if you don't know who you want to date, then let's just stop dating. "

What would you do if you were married and she wanted to go back to an old boyfriend? There are plenty of people who call themselves believers who are wishy washy about marriage, and they have revelation from God they claim to believe in that tells them what to do. If you marry an unbeliever who fully accepts secular 'morality' about marriage, you are putting yourself and your future children into a very unstable situation.

 

[jmbosh]

Seashell - what is missionary dating?

To clear things up, she is now back with her ex. So which makes me the ex bf now. It was one of those where they had a long history and we didn't but got a long amazingly and when we can keep it to any conversation other than our relationship situation we can talk all day.

So that being said, I know we are over. Its been a struggle but through this I'm learning a Godly lesson. We were not in a relationship that God would bless. She is a non christian and myself as what I would call a lost christian. So I can see why this had to end. But I believe we met for a reason at the time we did and instantly hit it off so well. We still have that connection like we should still be in each others lives.

Each day is getting a little easier to deal with and I believe I'm growing as I try to keep praying and reading the bible. My heart still hurts for her knowing she will get betrayed again and wishing she could be right there with me on this spiritual journey growing in the lord.

I guess I was just searching for a little encouragement, maybe someone who could related or anything like that. I'm not the kind of person that can forget about someone just because of one time they did me wrong. I love her for who I know she is and because god says to love her. Everyone makes bad choices so I cant judge her on just that.

 

[quitespirit]

I'm sorry you were hurt. Perhaps God allowed this relationship to end so that you can focus on getting your relationship with Him in a better place? Personally, I wouldn't be trying to remain friends with this girl. For me, it would only hurt and confuse me. I'd let go, make a clean break. I wouldn't want a friend who would leave me for another man.

Also, I don't know how unusual it is to feel that experience you had: like you are so compatible, get along great, perfect together. I think a lot of times a new relationship feels that way in the beginning. God knows whats best for you, and certainly can bring you a woman who is right for you.

 

[jmbosh]

I'm sorry you were hurt. Perhaps God allowed this relationship to end so that you can focus on getting your relationship with Him in a better place? Personally, I wouldn't be trying to remain friends with this girl. For me, it would only hurt and confuse me. I'd let go, make a clean break. I wouldn't want a friend who would leave me for another man.

Also, I don't know how unusual it is to feel that experience you had: like you are so compatible, get along great, perfect together. I think a lot of times a new relationship feels that way in the beginning. God knows whats best for you, and certainly can bring you a woman who is right for you.

I am pretty sure you are right about God allowing it so I can grow. What a harsh lesson though. As far as not talking goes, I don't think I can do that haha. That would make me feel like I'm holding a grudge against her, which I'm not. She does't really have any other christian influences in her life besides me so I feel like I should stick around for her. Each day gets a little easier dealing with the situation as I keep praying. I still miss being with her but my concern for her well being is greater. Its a complicated feeling which may be making things harder for myself. I feel the Lord is telling me to keep praying for her and being there for her but as long as I am still able to fall back into the type of relationship we had nothing more than what we have now will happen.

As far as the new relationship feeling goes, I know we got past that and it was real feelings. We were growing closer the more time we spent together. It was a good feeling that I hope I can have with someone again.

 

[stan1472]

Hey, I was also in a relationship with an unbeliever for a few years. I got upset with her one day and she said she can't trust me because of my anger and she said it's over. I accepted her decision because I told her that there was no future without God in her life. Shortly after that decision, I sent her an email/text telling her an official good-bye. I haven't heard from her since that day...it's been 3 weeks now. I'm sad but I also know that we were unequally yoked so I believe it was for the best, even though it really hurts that she walked away first. I was pulling away before that because I wanted her to have a walk with God before we became even more serious. Guess she doesn't want God, and she doesn't want me.

Oh, and yes there was also infidelity in the relationship (from her), and I forgave her, but she couldn't stop texting other guys even after that. Her actions/behaviours hurt me a lot, but then I realized I'm in a relationship with someone who doesn't know God...

Like someone had said earlier, I rather deal with a few weeks/months of sadness of this ending, than years/lifetime of heartache.

Going forward, I only want a Christian girl!

 

[jmbosh]

Hey, I was also in a relationship with an unbeliever for a few years. I got upset with her one day and she said she can't trust me because of my anger and she said it's over. I accepted her decision because I told her that there was no future without God in her life. Shortly after that decision, I sent her an email/text telling her an official good-bye. I haven't heard from her since that day...it's been 3 weeks now. I'm sad but I also know that we were unequally yoked so I believe it was for the best, even though it really hurts that she walked away first. I was pulling away before that because I wanted her to have a walk with God before we became even more serious. Guess she doesn't want God, and she doesn't want me.

Oh, and yes there was also infidelity in the relationship (from her), and I forgave her, but she couldn't stop texting other guys even after that. Her actions/behaviours hurt me a lot, but then I realized I'm in a relationship with someone who doesn't know God...

Like someone had said earlier, I rather deal with a few weeks/months of sadness of this ending, than years/lifetime of heartache.

Going forward, I only want a Christian girl!

Hey Stan,
I agree that you shouldn't be unequally yoked. But at the same time don't you think that instead of just saying good bye you should do what you can to lead her to the lord? In my opinion, unless she's done something horrible to you, you should continue to love the person and pray for them. You don't have to date her but obviously if you dated so long you mean something to her and she means something to you so why not worry about her soul?

Maybe its just how I am, but I can't stop thinking about my ex. I miss her bad and would love for her to be back in my arms once again. I know also that won't happen, at least not for long term, if its not through Gods will. So all I can do is pray.

I don't know how some people make trusting God for answers and keeping faith look so easy. And it's hard also keeping faith when you see other people end up in happy relationships, getting married, having kids and all that while going though a break up. Its tough and makes my current situation even harder for sure.

 

[Wingdizzle]

Seashell - what is missionary dating?

To clear things up, she is now back with her ex. So which makes me the ex bf now. It was one of those where they had a long history and we didn't but got a long amazingly and when we can keep it to any conversation other than our relationship situation we can talk all day.

So that being said, I know we are over. Its been a struggle but through this I'm learning a Godly lesson. We were not in a relationship that God would bless. She is a non christian and myself as what I would call a lost christian. So I can see why this had to end. But I believe we met for a reason at the time we did and instantly hit it off so well. We still have that connection like we should still be in each others lives.

Each day is getting a little easier to deal with and I believe I'm growing as I try to keep praying and reading the bible. My heart still hurts for her knowing she will get betrayed again and wishing she could be right there with me on this spiritual journey growing in the lord.

I guess I was just searching for a little encouragement, maybe someone who could related or anything like that. I'm not the kind of person that can forget about someone just because of one time they did me wrong. I love her for who I know she is and because god says to love her. Everyone makes bad choices so I cant judge her on just that.

Sorry that happened bud

 

[Wingdizzle]

Hey Stan,
I agree that you shouldn't be unequally yoked. But at the same time don't you think that instead of just saying good bye you should do what you can to lead her to the lord? In my opinion, unless she's done something horrible to you, you should continue to love the person and pray for them. You don't have to date her but obviously if you dated so long you mean something to her and she means something to you so why not worry about her soul?

Maybe its just how I am, but I can't stop thinking about my ex. I miss her bad and would love for her to be back in my arms once again. I know also that won't happen, at least not for long term, if its not through Gods will. So all I can do is pray.

I don't know how some people make trusting God for answers and keeping faith look so easy. And it's hard also keeping faith when you see other people end up in happy relationships, getting married, having kids and all that while going though a break up. Its tough and makes my current situation even harder for sure.

Imagine how it feels to have a relationship, engage in premarital relations, have a child, have the female leave along with the child, while you watch others holding their children with their partners (meanwhile you are 500 miles away from yours).

You will recover friend

 

[jmbosh]

Imagine how it feels to have a relationship, engage in premarital relations, have a child, have the female leave along with the child, while you watch others holding their children with their partners (meanwhile you are 500 miles away from yours).

You will recover friend

I know the situation could always be worse and I'm thankful that it's not. I hope you aren't speaking from personal experience. I have friends in about the same boat and I know how hard that can be.