Suprisedbynothing, I think you will be suprised by this.
Once Jesus was making a journey through the country of Israel. His followers,the Disciples, were with Him. As Jesus was teaching the people,some kids came around where He was,to see Him and to listen. The Disciples were kind of upset because the kids were crowding in,getting in the way,making noise,you know. They tried to send away the kids, but Jesus said,"No! Leave them alone! For little children are like those that truly seek God, by being listeners,and believing, and saying "Yes,Jesus".
While He was speaking, a rich young man came running up to Jesus and asked,"Good Master, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus told Him that he should only call God truly good. Of course, the young man didn't realize that he was talking to God! The first fact is that Jesus is God.
Now, as God,He knew everything about the young man,so He said ,
"Though knowest the commandments ,Do not commit adultery,do not kill, do not steal ,do not bear false witness, defraud not, honor thy mother and father." Mark 10:19
The young man said,"Yes! I have been doing that all my life!" And still, he KNEW he wasn't right with God.He knew he still needed to do something to gain eternal life. What could he do?
"Then Jesus beholding him loved him, and said unto him, One thing thou lackest...
What could it be? The young man was moral, obeyed all the Laws of God...he was a pretty good guy! But he knew he wasn't going to Heaven in the condition he was in.
"One thing thou lackest; go thy way ,sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor,and thou shalt have treasure in Heaven; and come,take up thy cross and follow me." Mark 10:21
What God is looking for in the heart is repentence. that is, the giving up of your will. All the sins,the bad stuff that you love, the trash, God wants to take away from your life. He is much better than anything the world can offer. Are you ready to give up and let Jesus take over? Are you ready to get out of the sin loving buisness? To let Him make a new man out of you? The giving of money to the poor is good,it shows that money and "things" no longer have control. Then Jesus says, if repentence is real, He wants you to come to Him. And to take up the cross. Dedicate "you" to Him, and follow Him.
Jesus died to pay for all the bad you have done,all the dark sins and things that you know you are guilty of. Now follow Him.
I think this is a good time to go someplace private and talk to God about this.Ask for His help to understand and to help you let go.Let go. And
God bless and may the Holy Spirit open your heart and show you,in spite of my poor attempt to help. what is real.
Julian of York
"And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance for ever." Isaiah 32:17