Need advice

[Rescued One]

Hi, I don`t think the pastor should be gossiping about you. That your wife is in the middle of this is not good for either of you. I would start looking for another church. There are many that would be really good for you both. God bless.

AMEN!

This is so wrong and immature and not help to a marriage .

 

[thesunisout]

Would you recommend he stops his life to confront everyone that says a bad word about him? Wouldnt it be better for him to live his life and eliminate the effects of the bad words?

This is an entirely different situation than someone saying a bad word about him. This is effecting his marriage and his trust level with church leadership. Everything needs to be brought out and discussed otherwise it will continue to fester.

 

[RaymondG]

This is an entirely different situation than someone saying a bad word about him. This is effecting his marriage and his trust level with church leadership. Everything needs to be brought out and discussed otherwise it will continue to fester.

Yes, however, the spiritual issue would be the fact that one would allow words to fester. We should be able to hear anything good or bad and not let it affect us mentally or emotionally. Once we have this control we will never say someone else made us do anything again....we will have full control of our feelings...... Doesnt this sound great? the words that fester in others....words that make others sad and cry and get depressed having no affect on us whatsoever? This is what we should strive for......not confrontation with everyone who says words we consider bad.....which would be never-ending. The pastor's words cant affect His marriage or trust unless the OP allows it to.

After practicing this for a while, there were times when people would tell me someone said something they thought was negative, and I was give a little laugh and literally forget what they said minutes later......when in the past I would have dwelled on it....felt bad/sad, and then angry inside....that anger would grow to extreme dislike and even hatred for the one who spoke negative of me......this hatred would eat me up inside, make me sick until I addressed it with the person.......I felt THEY cause me to feel the way I felt. Today......I know that this is not possible and I have and always had control over my emotions and thoughts..... Is this not preferable?

 

[ChristopherinLA]

Yes, however, the spiritual issue would be the fact that one would allow words to fester. We should be able to hear anything good or bad and not let it affect us mentally or emotionally. Once we have this control we will never say someone else made us do anything again....we will have full control of our feelings...... Doesnt this sound great? the words that fester in others....words that make others sad and cry and get depressed having no affect on us whatsoever? This is what we should strive for......not confrontation with everyone who says words we consider bad.....which would be never-ending. The pastor's words cant affect His marriage or trust unless the OP allows it to.

After practicing this for a while, there were times when people would tell me someone said something they thought was negative, and I was give a little laugh and literally forget what they said minutes later......when in the past I would have dwelled on it....felt bad/sad, and then angry inside....that anger would grow to extreme dislike and even hatred for the one who spoke negative of me......this hatred would eat me up inside, make me sick until I addressed it with the person.......I felt THEY cause me to feel the way I felt. Today......I know that this is not possible and I have and always had control over my emotions and thoughts..... Is this not preferable?

This is a very utopian view of conflict. I think God made us to have emotions that include sadness, frustration, etc. If I see a speck in my brother's eye, it is merciful and Jesus does say to bring it to him so he can correct it. (Matthew 7:5) If somebody's words are going to cause bitterness in me, of course I am going to try and resolve it. I will also use discernment to decide if I can overlook it. (Proverbs 19:11) In my case, I am choosing to overlook what my pastor said because I do not think it is causing bitterness in me, and also because, like you say, I do not think they will affect my marriage negatively. Sure it has contributed to strife, but ultimately I think it has made my wife and I stronger. If it continues, then I will bring it to him but for now, I think there is some truth to what my pastor says.

 

[RaymondG]

This is a very utopian view of conflict. I think God made us to have emotions that include sadness, frustration, etc. If I see a speck in my brother's eye, it is merciful and Jesus does say to bring it to him so he can correct it. (Matthew 7:5) If somebody's words are going to cause bitterness in me, of course I am going to try and resolve it. I will also use discernment to decide if I can overlook it. (Proverbs 19:11) In my case, I am choosing to overlook what my pastor said because I do not think it is causing bitterness in me, and also because, like you say, I do not think they will affect my marriage negatively. Sure it has contributed to strife, but ultimately I think it has made my wife and I stronger. If it continues, then I will bring it to him but for now, I think there is some truth to what my pastor says.

Yes, God made us with the ability to think and have emotions......And these are more important than you know. Which is why it is important to have full control of them......You wont understand this now...but maybe you will in the future. Im speaking in general, not concerning any specific situation.

What a man thinketh in his heart, so is he......and it doesn't matter if we say "someone else made us think or feel this way" The only thing that will matter is what you feel and think, not why.....

Notice, I said nothing negative or positive about the actions of the Pastor....This would not help you at all...it would only feed negative emotions. What I suggest will allow you to never again be moved by words........then you can react and judge righteously, without the influence of anger.....

I find nothing wrong with what you feel about this situation, and actually believe that my words are not for you.....But there may be one who reads this who can, with these words, find a way to not let their insides be influenced by the outside.......

 

[Dorothy Mae]

Yes, however, the spiritual issue would be the fact that one would allow words to fester. We should be able to hear anything good or bad and not let it affect us mentally or emotionally. Once we have this control we will never say someone else made us do anything again....we will have full control of our feelings...... Doesnt this sound great? the words that fester in others....words that make others sad and cry and get depressed having no affect on us whatsoever? This is what we should strive for......not confrontation with everyone who says words we consider bad.....which would be never-ending. The pastor's words cant affect His marriage or trust unless the OP allows it to.

After practicing this for a while, there were times when people would tell me someone said something they thought was negative, and I was give a little laugh and literally forget what they said minutes later......when in the past I would have dwelled on it....felt bad/sad, and then angry inside....that anger would grow to extreme dislike and even hatred for the one who spoke negative of me......this hatred would eat me up inside, make me sick until I addressed it with the person.......I felt THEY cause me to feel the way I felt. Today......I know that this is not possible and I have and always had control over my emotions and thoughts..... Is this not preferable?

Sounds very Buddist. To avoid suffering one shuts down one's feelings. Of course the feelings of love and remorse at one's own deeds are also shut down.

It is easy to that you those who practice this are at peace no matter what evil is done to others around them, done to them and love doesn't touch them either.

Buddist monks practice this and can walk about Bangkok oblivious to the suffering around them as they practice not being emotionally touched by anything.

Jesus did not practice this at all. I do not recommend it as it makes for extreme selfishness. One can be told that one's behaviour or words destroyed another and the response is likely to be laughter and forgetting about it.

 

[RaymondG]

Sounds very Buddist. To avoid suffering one shuts down one's feelings. Of course the feelings of love and remorse at one's own deeds are also shut down.

It is easy to that you those who practice this are at peace no matter what evil is done to others around them, done to them and love doesn't touch them either.

Buddist monks practice this and can walk about Bangkok oblivious to the suffering around them as they practice not being emotionally touched by anything.

Jesus did not practice this at all. I do not recommend it as it makes for extreme selfishness. One can be told that one's behaviour or words destroyed another and the response is likely to be laughter and forgetting about it.

You are the same one who told me my words sound Gnostic in another thread..... Im sure a many would be impressed with your knowledge of different religions, but Im still unsure why you say "this sounds "insert opposing religion here" or what you would like as a response. How does this add to the rest of your words? Are you able to have a conversation without viewing the one you speak to in the light of some religion?

Anyways, I said nothing of shutting down feelings or avoiding suffering. Only controlling your own thoughts and emotions. Neither did i say to never feel sad or angry......

Im sure many would agree that the best Judge in a court room, would be one who does not have preconceived thoughts(positive or negation) about the people they are about to judge and also has no emotional ties to either side. How much more should be the case for things of the spirit?

***edit, It was not you who told me "you sound blank" before.....unless you have multiple accounts....yet my confusion about this line of reasoning still remains.

 

[LoricaLady]

Sometimes when my wife and I have arguments she brings up things that my pastor or my pastor's wife said about me to strengthen her argument. These things get under my skin more than the argument itself because the pastor or pastor's wife did not tell me these things directly. This issue has been going on for about a year. For example my wife said that the pastor said I am "rigid" or "militant" about my faith and the pastor's wife said I "take church too seriously". My wife tries to downplay these things because she works on the church staff and I am not privy to all the internal conversations and context in which any comments were made so she says I should not be so worked up. This issue really bothers me and yesterday after she told me what the pastor's wife said, I told her I am considering possibly finding a new church. I am really just hurt that these things are not being directed to me and also the way my wife is using it as ammo during arguments hurts although I do consider the feedback as possibly constructive. Am I being irrational? Should I just overlook this? Any advice is appreciated.

Edit: Here's the context of the things that were said by the pastor and his wife:

My wife had a meeting with the pastor where they were discussing the children's ministry program and he was asking her how she's doing spiritually, how marriage is going, i.e. normal pastoral stuff. My wife brought up explained an issue we had when I wanted her to pray with me more often but she resisted it because she wanted prayer to be more spontaneous and my way was too routine and structured. He then made the comment perhaps in empathy that I could be seen as "rigid" and "militant" with my faith.

In regards to the other comment from the pastor's wife, they had a prophet prophesy over the church staff and their spouses. He said to me, among other things, that I could grow if I allowed "church to be fun". The next day they had a group debriefing (without me there), and she said that this prophecy makes a lot of sense for me because "I take church too seriously" .

Frankly the pastor and his wife seem like wolves in sheep's clothing. I would leave there. They don't seem to have a heart for the Lord. At all. Did Messiah try to make his sermons "fun"? Did he ever tell anyone that they took His sermons "too seriously"?

As for your wife not wanting to have a structured prayer time with you, it sounds like she is buying right into what those people are telling her. If you are very healthy, I suggest a once a week water only fast (too much fasting is hard on the adrenals so don't overdo it) with prayer about your marriage because the most serious problem is the issue of a very unequal walk between you and your wife.

 

[LoricaLady]

And P.S. Even if your wife doesn't want to accept you as a spiritual leader in the home, be one as much as you can. She may not follow you out of a Church which seems to me, and possibly to you, brain dead, but you don't have to follow her into it. You can make your own choice and find a better way to worship. Perhaps if you stand up as the head of the household she will respect that and, eventually anyway, be supportive of your choices, and of being true to the Scriptures in general.

 

[Reconciliation and Truth]

This issue really bothers me and yesterday after she told me what the pastor's wife said, I told her I am considering possibly finding a new church.

Did you tell them this?