Need advice

[oceansmile]

You know, I don't know why he's never defended me, but I suspect it's because he believes the Catholic church is correct. Yes, it is their teaching that because he did not obtain permission to marry me and because we were not married by a priest, that we are not actually married and are therefore sinning by sleeping together.

But I also know it's my fault for not researching their beliefs prior to marrying him. I did read the new Vatican II views on non-Catholic Christians and figured that would be the end of it, but I didn't research deeply enough. To his church and his family's church, I am not his wife. Period. End of story.

He does not have a local priest yet - we just moved - but I asked a Catholic friend to ask her priest about our situation. Just as I suspected, he told her to let us know that my husband will be considered a sinner and not welcomed as communion until and unless we have the marriage convalidated in the Catholic Church. She said he was definitely sad about it, but that he told her the rules were in place to prevent the non-Catholic party from dragging the Catholic part away from the church.

So.

I'd love to talk to a Christian pastor about this, but as I haven't been to church in months...since moving...there's really not one around to discuss this with. It's eating me up inside and my husband just says, "I think we're married, so what's the big deal?" The big deal is that the Catholc Church's teachings on marriage bother ME!

 

[mkgal1]

You know, I don't know why he's never defended me, but I suspect it's because he believes the Catholic church is correct. Yes, it is their teaching that because he did not obtain permission to marry me and because we were not married by a priest, that we are not actually married and are therefore sinning by sleeping together.

But....do you see how that burden should be on him, not YOU? (Not that there really should be any blame, but if anyone should feel responsible, it should be him....you know?). Not only that.....but, it's him that changed his mind since you got married. Either way....it's absolutely wrong for him to allow anyone to imply that you're a harlot. What is he for sleeping with you then?

But I also know it's my fault for not researching their beliefs prior to marrying him. I did read the new Vatican II views on non-Catholic Christians and figured that would be the end of it, but I didn't research deeply enough. To his church and his family's church, I am not his wife. Period. End of story.

You didn't have a crystal ball to see that in the future he would be making an issue of it. That's not your fault.

 

[mkgal1]

I'd love to talk to a Christian pastor about this, but as I haven't been to church in months...since moving...there's really not one around to discuss this with. It's eating me up inside and my husband just says, "I think we're married, so what's the big deal?" The big deal is that the Catholc Church's teachings on marriage bother ME!

But...your husband disagrees with the church on that issue? Did you take a look at that one book I linked earlier? It sounds as if the two of you may be in agreement with one another (and even SOME Catholic churches). Because not all Catholic churches are of that belief. I agree with the one priest said....."To regard mixed religion marriages negatively does them a disservice. They are holy covenants and must be treated as such.”

More from the book review: Starting from the premise that God blesses all [loving] marriages, Father Hater offers a pastoral approach to dealing with the difficulties Catholics face in marrying someone from another faith background. How can both spouses beliefs be respected? How can comments and even interference from friends and relatives be answered?

This is the book that's quoted from:
Amazon.com: When a Catholic Marries a Non-Catholic: Robert J. Hater: Books
This is written by a Catholic priest....and isn't about the Catholic converting the non-Catholic....but, respecting their beliefs.

 

[oceansmile]

I must have missed the link, but I just look at the book on Amazon. Looks like it may be more intended for the Catholic, but I may order it anyway. Actually, there's a few on there intended for Catholic spouses in mixed marriages, hm....

This part confuses me though:
"They are holy covenants and must be treated as such.”
The Catholic Church specifically states that our marriage is not a sacrament, so it seems the priest is not teaching in line with the Church is teaching.

Basically, this is my issue right now:
He believes we are married. But he has not told his family that we will not be having the marriage blessed, and he still considers himself Catholic. Maybe it's me, but if my church taught such things regarding my spouse, I'd be finding another way to worship.

There's a Catholic forum with a lot of mixed marriage bashing going on that I had the misfortune to stumble upon. I don't have enough posts yet to post the link, but it's very discouraging (you can search for "Roman Catholic marrying a Non-Catholic" on forums.catholic.com if you're interested).

 

[mkgal1]

I must have missed the link, but I just look at the book on Amazon. Looks like it may be more intended for the Catholic, but I may order it anyway. Actually, there's a few on there intended for Catholic spouses in mixed marriages, hm....

This part confuses me though:
"They are holy covenants and must be treated as such.”
The Catholic Church specifically states that our marriage is not a sacrament, so it seems the priest is not teaching in line with the Church is teaching.

Basically, this is my issue right now:
He believes we are married. But he has not told his family that we will not be having the marriage blessed, and he still considers himself Catholic. Maybe it's me, but if my church taught such things regarding my spouse, I'd be finding another way to worship.

There's a Catholic forum with a lot of mixed marriage bashing going on that I had the misfortune to stumble upon. I don't have enough posts yet to post the link, but it's very discouraging (you can search for "Roman Catholic marrying a Non-Catholic" on forums.catholic.com if you're interested).

It seems that there are differences of opinions about "mixed marriages" (I don't believe this priest is alone in thinking this---although it may be rare). What matters is what your husband believes....really (as it pertains to you).

From what I understand....saying a marriage is a holy covenant is different than a sacrament.

 

[Daughter of His]

Oh my, it's as though you're telling my story. For the first seven years of our marriage I tried to please my MIL but there was no way I could, I'm not Catholic. I was raised Church of Christ, am now Methodist. I cried buckets of tears those first years and then finally I had had enough and quit trying and even was rude to her a couple of times. My thoughts were how on earth can they be so insensitive to my feelings? Obviously the Catholic stuff was/is way more important to them. I was like you, the more I learned, the less I liked it.

We have stayed married, made sure not to live near any of them. Sadly the Catholicism has ruined our relationship with his family but... I married him not his family. I'm sad for them to be so deceived by some of the man made contingencies.

However, I am still in love with the man I married. We have children and had a great time raising them together in a church that taught us all about the the love and sacrifice of Christ for us.

How I can identify with you oceansmile. Seek the truth would be my advice and definatley read your Bible since God talks to us through His word.

 

[mkgal1]

I think the way that Daughter of His (and her husband) have handled it....is the ONLY way to deal with intrusive and meddling in-laws. It's not the church.....it's what his family think of the church (that their denom is the ONLY way to heaven--and their acceptance), and how much he wants to please his family (at your sacrifice---Oceansmile).

You may have missed this other link that I posted earlier (it would be great if your husband could read this)......

Therefore, honestly consider, have you abandoned your previous way of relating to your mother and father? Are you more concerned about your parents’ favor and respect or your mate’s respect? Have you forsaken the influence of your parents’ opinions or are you still controlled by what they think about you? Or, about your spouse?

More importantly, have you pursued a new relationship with your mate that supersedes the one you have had with your parents? Have you sought to be glued together with your spouse in your decision making by pursing your mate’s opinion first? If you have not done these two things here are the major reasons why there is conflict with your mate.~Dealing With In-Laws

 

[WalksWithChrist]

You know, I don't know why he's never defended me, but I suspect it's because he believes the Catholic church is correct. Yes, it is their teaching that because he did not obtain permission to marry me and because we were not married by a priest, that we are not actually married and are therefore sinning by sleeping together.

But I also know it's my fault for not researching their beliefs prior to marrying him. I did read the new Vatican II views on non-Catholic Christians and figured that would be the end of it, but I didn't research deeply enough. To his church and his family's church, I am not his wife. Period. End of story.

He does not have a local priest yet - we just moved - but I asked a Catholic friend to ask her priest about our situation. Just as I suspected, he told her to let us know that my husband will be considered a sinner and not welcomed as communion until and unless we have the marriage convalidated in the Catholic Church. She said he was definitely sad about it, but that he told her the rules were in place to prevent the non-Catholic party from dragging the Catholic part away from the church.

So.

I'd love to talk to a Christian pastor about this, but as I haven't been to church in months...since moving...there's really not one around to discuss this with. It's eating me up inside and my husband just says, "I think we're married, so what's the big deal?" The big deal is that the Catholc Church's teachings on marriage bother ME!

This is just my personal opinion.

That sounds like political hogwash that has no place in the Church.

You are married, end of story.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm sad for them to be so deceived by some of the man made contingencies.

Seek the truth would be my advice and definitely read your Bible since God talks to us through His word.

Well said. (Your entire post was....I just quoted this part for emphasis).

 

[oceansmile]

Well, thanks for everyone's advice...but he told me last night that my church is full of people who hate Catholics so I have no right to complain about how Catholics view me. I don't intend on divorcing him, but I certainly don't feel much love for him right now, and probably never will. I feel betrayed. I screwed up. I just have to pray I can have a full life living with someone who doesn't respect me. Thanks again.

 

[motherprayer]

Well, thanks for everyone's advice...but he told me last night that my church is full of people who hate Catholics so I have no right to complain about how Catholics view me. I don't intend on divorcing him, but I certainly don't feel much love for him right now, and probably never will. I feel betrayed. I screwed up. I just have to pray I can have a full life living with someone who doesn't respect me. Thanks again.

Pray for God to change his heart. My husband didn't respect me for a long time, and I prayed fervently for God to enlighten him about his responsibilities. Praise God, eventually (after a LONG time) my prayers were answered. I will pray for this for you as well, Sister!

 

[mkgal1]

Pray for God to change his heart. My husband didn't respect me for a long time, and I prayed fervently for God to enlighten him about his responsibilities. Praise God, eventually (after a LONG time) my prayers were answered. I will pray for this for you as well, Sister!

I don't mean this to be argumentative.....but, what about the women that *have* also prayed fervently.....been faithful wives and loved God with all their heart.....strength...and mind, yet their husbands *never* did come to love/respect them? Did God not love them as much?

I'm of the firm opinion that God gave each of us free will (as that's the BEST kind of love and loyalty---one given of one's complete volition). He impresses things upon us......but, it's up to each of us how we respond.

 

[mkgal1]

Well, thanks for everyone's advice...but he told me last night that my church is full of people who hate Catholics so I have no right to complain about how Catholics view me. I don't intend on divorcing him, but I certainly don't feel much love for him right now, and probably never will. I feel betrayed. I screwed up. I just have to pray I can have a full life living with someone who doesn't respect me. Thanks again.

Don't let him make this a "Catholics" against "Protestant" argument. There's a reason why we have had those two denominations for what? The last 600 years or so? That argument won't even get resolved in our life time (most likely)........and it's not the true conflict between you and your husband. That's a diversion tactic.

 

[motherprayer]

I don't mean this to be argumentative.....but, what about the women that *have* also prayed fervently.....been faithful wives and loved God with all their heart.....strength...and mind, yet their husbands *never* did come to love/respect them? Did God not love them as much?

I'm of the firm opinion that God gave each of us free will (as that's the BEST kind of love and loyalty---one given of one's complete volition). He impresses things upon us......but, it's up to each of us how we respond.

By continuing to be steadfast in their prayers, women in the situation you are describing store up treasures in Heaven. Worldly circumstances don't mean nearly as much as one's closeness to God, please know this!
We must always remember that our conduct should glorify God even when we feel like those around us deserve for us to respond in an ungodly way. This is why God said the believing wife sanctifies the unbelieving husband, and that we should pray for those who persecute us and hurt us, and love our enemies.
If our worldly circumstance, I.e. our relationship with our spouse, is good, it isn't because God loves us more than those who don't have it as good. If our worldly circumstance is bad, it isn't because He loves us less.

Christ offers us peace, not prosperity, inner peace that transcends our human understanding. There was time when I did not know whether my husband would change, and that lasted for awhile. If I had given up on my marriage based on the way things were (and I would have had every worldly right to) we would not be in the place we are now, truly cherishing each other and praising God for transforming our hearts.

I'm not saying its easy. But sometimes the narrow road is a rocky one.

 

[oceansmile]

Don't let him make this a "Catholics" against "Protestant" argument. There's a reason why we have had those two denominations for what? The last 600 years or so? That argument won't even get resolved in our life time (most likely)........and it's not the true conflict between you and your husband. That's a diversion tactic.

Unfortunately that's his only argument. He's now gone from his family to "If Protestants hadn't broken away, even though I understand why they did, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Even Martin Luther wanted one Christian church, so you're not even following what he wanted." He's being so hateful about it that I can't stand it.

 

[mkgal1]

Unfortunately that's his only argument. He's now gone from his family to "If Protestants hadn't broken away, even though I understand why they did, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Even Martin Luther wanted one Christian church, so you're not even following what he wanted." He's being so hateful about it that I can't stand it.

Maybe zero in on that, then. The issue is that he's being hateful and divisive. That's in complete opposition to God......is he a follower of God....or a follower of the Catholic church (leaving Protestants out of it)? I'd say....."don't think of me as a Protestant---I don't even go to church---think of me as your wife. The one you vowed to cherish and love."

If I can fathom all mysteries and knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.~ 1 Cor. 13:2

 

[mkgal1]

This is long...but, I think you may glean a lot from it:

Unity & Division: Bible Teaching about Ecumenical Diversity

Basically....summed up:

God's Plan for Unity Is: Everyone Should Love God and Other People Enough to Learn, Preach, and Practice the Truth and to Oppose Error.

Those who do this will be united with everyone else who does it. Note that Biblical unity is based on faithfulness to truth and opposing error. Consider these passages:

 

[mkgal1]

By continuing to be steadfast in their prayers, women in the situation you are describing store up treasures in Heaven. Worldly circumstances don't mean nearly as much as one's closeness to God, please know this!
We must always remember that our conduct should glorify God even when we feel like those around us deserve for us to respond in an ungodly way. This is why God said the believing wife sanctifies the unbelieving husband, and that we should pray for those who persecute us and hurt us, and love our enemies.
If our worldly circumstance, I.e. our relationship with our spouse, is good, it isn't because God loves us more than those who don't have it as good. If our worldly circumstance is bad, it isn't because He loves us less.

Christ offers us peace, not prosperity, inner peace that transcends our human understanding. There was time when I did not know whether my husband would change, and that lasted for awhile. If I had given up on my marriage based on the way things were (and I would have had every worldly right to) we would not be in the place we are now, truly cherishing each other and praising God for transforming our hearts.

I'm not saying its easy. But sometimes the narrow road is a rocky one.

I think you may be combining a few verses together that aren't meant to go together. What verse are referring to, when you said, "women in *this* situation you are describing store up treasures in heaven? "Worldly treasure" are just that......things that aren't a part of God's Kingdom...like money and power (mammon). Matthew 6 ESV - Giving to the Needy - “Beware of - Bible Gateway

And....how do people become qualified to be called our "enemies"? IOW....what is the criteria for that title?

 

[SharonL]

The most important question is....Do you love your husband? If you do - slow down it is solveable.

I was Protestant, married Catholic, family disowned me. Married in the protestant church and remarried in the Catholic - was raising children Catholic because my husband was a wonderful man, father and Christian - yes Catholics are Christians.

We had several things happen and after 10 years I just could not go to the Catholic church any more - long story short - we met in the middle and went to the Lutheran church and tried several churches in the meantime. After I discovered the Spirit Filled life - church did not have the same meaning for me - it is a personal relationship with God that is important.

What solved it - we moved and had problems finding a church we both liked. So we started listening to 2 Spirit Filled programs on TV - had our Bible study with my husband reading several chapters - seeing things for himself cured the problem. I learned to shut up and let the Holy Spirit teach.

Start small - ask your husband to start studying the Bible with you - it is plain and clear how we are suppose to live. We are the church and what is in our hearts is what is important - we don't worship the church - we worship God and the church is the tool by which we learn. Everything we learn in the church is not the way it has to be. As long as you follow what the Bible says you will be fine.

If he has family and the church constantly hitting on him that he is doing wrong, it will be difficult. But once you just follow the Bible your relationship with God is so pure and sincere without all the legalism of the different churches. Don't turn your back on God because things are not what you want, take it slow. It is a problem as the Catholic church is very dominating on how their people live - but it does not mean that everything they teach is the only way - get into the Word - the answers are there.

I've been married 53 years and we both have grown in our love for the Lord - in Heaven there will be no labels - just a Child of God.

 

[If Not For Grace]

I don't believe I can do that without discounting the sacrifice Christ made for me.

I guess I'm posting in the wrong forum...

Paul said "I can be all things to all people"-this is not a violation of principles.

Your husband sounds like a smart man. I don't believe in the easter bunny, but I let the kids have an easter basket..

If I went to an Islamic country I would dress as they do. Your husband is just looking for a way to keep your in-laws happy and get them off your back, help him out..I'm not saying convert or pretend-but He does not want to loose his family ties over a "religious" point. See if there is not some compromise to be made that can satisfy his need for you and salvage some realtionship with his family.

You made a vow can you renig on it so easily? Every marriage faces problems and money, kids and in-laws are at the top of Everybodys list. Do not be so easily ready to throw in the towel.