Need advice

[oceansmile]

I don't think I should have gotten married.

My husband is Catholic, I am Christian. We've been married just over two years.

I never saw his faith as being a problem while we were dating and never saw us as being unequally yoked until after about a year into our marriage. That's when his family started making noises about us not really being married because we had a Christian, not Catholic, wedding and saying we should have our marriage convalidated in the Catholic Church. They've told him in no uncertain terms that he is sinning, that he should not be taking communion, and he will go to hell if he keeps on living and sleeping with me.

He's looked into convalidation and I feel completely betrayed, although he insists he believes we are married and his church is wrong in their beliefs on what makes a couple married. Still, the fact he's researching it crushes me and makes me wonder if a little bit of him agrees with them, even though he says he doesn't.

I don't go to church anymore and haven't since we got married. I had agreed to go with him every so often but now that I've done my research into the Catholic Church I realize that they see me as his live-in girlfriend, not his wife, and I can't get myself to go to mass with him.

I know I shouldn't have married him and can't help but wonder if I should get divorced and let him find a Catholic woman to marry (also crushing - since we were never married in the Catholic church, they don't consider it adultery if he remarries). I realize I'll never be free to marry again, but I'm wondering if being alone would be better than being constantly told what a harlot I am. Yes, I realize we all sin, but my sin is not having sex with my husband and being constantly told this is dragging me farther and farther away from God and taking my focus off the actual sins I can't manage. I've read about mixed marriages on Catholic message boards and the hate and suspicion directed toward the non-Catholic party is just appalling and makes me want to die. I just want it to be over and can't find a way out of my situation.

Any advice?

 

[Tigger45]

Maybe his is researching convalidation to look for way he can defend your marriage. Biblically speaking you getting a divorce for this reason is as bad or worse than the people who say your marriage is invalid. I do understand you're hurt and I feel your husband needs to take a strong stand and set everyone staight.

 

[Niffer]

Start going to a catholic church? You can be both Christian and catholic you know.

 

[oceansmile]

Maybe his is researching convalidation to look for way he can defend your marriage. Biblically speaking you getting a divorce for this reason is as bad or worse than the people who say your marriage is invalid. I do understand you're hurt and I feel your husband needs to take a strong stand and set everyone staight.

But if it's a legal divorce only and I never remarry, is it really a sin? I'd still consider myself married obviously, I just...would never see him again and let him to be free to marry someone he should have married in the first place - at least as far as his faith believes.

I believe he's been researching to see how much it would cost and whether I'd be required to agree to raise any children Catholic or not since he knows that's not going to happen.

Start going to a catholic church? You can be both Christian and catholic you know.

Zero chance. I can't get past all the non-scriptural theology.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Meh, so be a name-only Catholic. Get everyone off your back about it and move on with your life.

 

[oceansmile]

Meh, so be a name-only Catholic. Get everyone off your back about it and move on with your life.

I don't believe I can do that without discounting the sacrifice Christ made for me.

I guess I'm posting in the wrong forum...

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Were you looking for a forum where everyone would have the same beliefs as you?

If so, then yes, you're in the wrong forum.


P.S. I'm not Catholic, but I know that Catholics are Christian. Your repeated suggestions that they aren't is actually considered flaming around here.

 

[jminnesota]

will pray for you that things get better whatever you choose to do. you should be happy in your relationship i guess talk to eachother and pray together

 

[oceansmile]

Were you looking for a forum where everyone would have the same beliefs as you?

If so, then yes, you're in the wrong forum.


P.S. I'm not Catholic, but I know that Catholics are Christian. Your repeated suggestions that they aren't is actually considered flaming around here.

I honestly wasn't trying to flame. But my husband calls himself Catholic, not Christian, so I refer to him that way. I'm sorry if that offended anyone - I truly only do so because he calls himself that and it makes the entire situation make sense.

And no, I'm not looking for a forum where everyone has my beliefs, but I was looking for someplace that could give me advice on what to do besides "become Catholic". Our marriage is sick and failing, and my relationship with God is non-existent, and there is nothing I can do about it. I want a divorce, I want to die, but I can't deal with everyone hating me anymore.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

I don't think you're going to find what you need on a forum, oceansmile.

That last paragraph is really loaded. Why do you feel that there's nothing you can do about your relationship with God? Why is your relationship with God dependent on your husband?

 

[oceansmile]

I don't think you're going to find what you need on a forum, oceansmile.

That last paragraph is really loaded. Why do you feel that there's nothing you can do about your relationship with God? Why is your relationship with God dependent on your husband?

So where am I going to find it?

My relationship with God sucks because I've been told for the past few years that I'm a harlot, that my church isn't "good enough" for salvation and that I need to stop trying to draw my husband away from the one true church (I haven't tried to convert him but apparently just being married is enough). How can anyone not have a hard time loving God when they hear that time and time again from family, friends, and the in-law's priest?

 

[jminnesota]

you are good and god loves you always know that god loves you no matter what he knows that your having a hard time and he will help you and your husband hopefully your husband will see that your wonderful and amazing woman

 

[mkgal1]

I honestly wasn't trying to flame. But my husband calls himself Catholic, not Christian, so I refer to him that way. I'm sorry if that offended anyone - I truly only do so because he calls himself that and it makes the entire situation make sense.

And no, I'm not looking for a forum where everyone has my beliefs, but I was looking for someplace that could give me advice on what to do besides "become Catholic". Our marriage is sick and failing, and my relationship with God is non-existent, and there is nothing I can do about it. I want a divorce, I want to die, but I can't deal with everyone hating me anymore.

(((HUGS)))

Do you think your husband wants to get a convalidation in order to get his family off your backs......or does he feel actual conviction for not marrying someone that was Catholic?

There are different "flavors" of Catholicism (and this divide between "Christian" and "Catholic" is sort of baffling to me)........but, it sounds as if your situation is more about intruding family members that are imposing their (destructive) opinions onto your husband.

Without those voices in your husband's ear......do you believe he thinks your marriage is "sick and failing"? Would he want it blessed, if he did?

As to your relationship with God.....I just want to let you know that He says He HATES what those people are doing to you. It breaks His heart to see His children broken-hearted. They are not representing Him.....they are representing their own judgmental attitudes and using His name in order to have more credibility. IMO....that's something He HATES the most.

Six things the Lord hates; in fact, seven are detestable to Him:​

• Arrogant Eyes
• A Lying Tongue​
• Hands That Shed Innocent Blood​
• A Heart That Plots Wicked Schemes​
• Feet Eager to Run to Evil​
• A Lying Witness Who Gives False Testimony​
• A person who sows discord in a family ~Proverbs 6​

 

[mkgal1]

So where am I going to find it?

My relationship with God sucks because I've been told for the past few years that I'm a harlot, that my church isn't "good enough" for salvation and that I need to stop trying to draw my husband away from the one true church (I haven't tried to convert him but apparently just being married is enough). How can anyone not have a hard time loving God when they hear that time and time again from family, friends, and the in-law's priest?

One thing I heard a long time ago, is to not judge God based on people that use His name. There are LOTS of counterfeits. Have you heard the quote from Ghandi? He said, "I like your Christ.....I do not like your Christians---they are so unlike your Christ." It's a sad but true sentiment.

One of the signs of a false religion is when people believe only their denomination brings salvation (not simply surrendering to Christ as Savior). Don't put any value in what they are saying.....it's lies.

ETA- at least these people (including this priest) are separating themselves from Christ (not using His name). In that much it seems they are being honest.

 

[oceansmile]

(((HUGS)))

Do you think your husband wants to get a convalidation in order to get his family off your backs......or does he feel actual conviction for not marrying someone that was Catholic?

This is what worries me. He says he believes we are married, but I guess I just need more reassurance. What I really want is for him to stand up to the Catholic Church but of course that won't happen. And yes, it bothers me that he wants to worship at a church that believes we are fornicating and living in sin. He finally said he's ok with me not going to mass with him because he realizes how that must be for me. But he's still going, so....dunno.

There are different "flavors" of Catholicism (and this divide between "Christian" and "Catholic" is sort of baffling to me)........but, it sounds as if your situation is more about intruding family members that are imposing their (destructive) opinions onto your husband.

It's baffling to me too. I don't know why we all just can't be plain old Christian? I suspect there are some liberal parishes who would accept us but we move frequently so that solution would last a few years at the most.

 

[mkgal1]

This is what worries me. He says he believes we are married, but I guess I just need more reassurance. What I really want is for him to stand up to the Catholic Church but of course that won't happen. And yes, it bothers me that he wants to worship at a church that believes we are fornicating and living in sin. He finally said he's ok with me not going to mass with him because he realizes how that must be for me. But he's still going, so....dunno.


It's baffling to me too. I don't know why we all just can't be plain old Christian? I suspect there are some liberal parishes who would accept us but we move frequently so that solution would last a few years at the most.

I'm so glad to see you post again. I was afraid that you had left for good.

I don't think it's necessary for him to stand up to the church (specific church).....but, I do believe he needs to recognize how destructive (and hateful) this attitude is. If he doesn't recognize it there......how will he recognize it when the same attitude (our way is right---yours is wrong) comes up later regarding another topic with his family or choosing a different church? His placing himself under the influence of such toxic attitudes is going to have an effect on him---I firmly believe we are who we surround ourselves with.

I don't know if you saw this in my other post, but your in-laws fall under worshiping religion--not having a relationship with a living God. These videos sum up a lot (IMO).

Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus || Spoken Word - YouTube

Counterfeit Gods || Spoken Word || Jefferson Bethke - YouTube

 

[oceansmile]

You're right about his family and that's the issue I have with a lot of Catholics. But it's not going to change...I just wish I wasn't in the middle of it. I do like the video, and I think I should send it to everyone who gets upset with me when I say Christianity isn't (well, shouldn't be) a religion.

I know he won't stand up to his family, because he does believe in honoring his parents, but at what point does our marriage and the promises we made become less important? I don't know..I guess I'm just rambling. Maybe there's not a solution.

 

[motherprayer]

I don't think I should have gotten married.

My husband is Catholic, I am Christian. We've been married just over two years.

I never saw his faith as being a problem while we were dating and never saw us as being unequally yoked until after about a year into our marriage. That's when his family started making noises about us not really being married because we had a Christian, not Catholic, wedding and saying we should have our marriage convalidated in the Catholic Church. They've told him in no uncertain terms that he is sinning, that he should not be taking communion, and he will go to hell if he keeps on living and sleeping with me.

He's looked into convalidation and I feel completely betrayed, although he insists he believes we are married and his church is wrong in their beliefs on what makes a couple married. Still, the fact he's researching it crushes me and makes me wonder if a little bit of him agrees with them, even though he says he doesn't.

I don't go to church anymore and haven't since we got married. I had agreed to go with him every so often but now that I've done my research into the Catholic Church I realize that they see me as his live-in girlfriend, not his wife, and I can't get myself to go to mass with him.

I know I shouldn't have married him and can't help but wonder if I should get divorced and let him find a Catholic woman to marry (also crushing - since we were never married in the Catholic church, they don't consider it adultery if he remarries). I realize I'll never be free to marry again, but I'm wondering if being alone would be better than being constantly told what a harlot I am. Yes, I realize we all sin, but my sin is not having sex with my husband and being constantly told this is dragging me farther and farther away from God and taking my focus off the actual sins I can't manage. I've read about mixed marriages on Catholic message boards and the hate and suspicion directed toward the non-Catholic party is just appalling and makes me want to die. I just want it to be over and can't find a way out of my situation.

Any advice?

I hope I can offer some help and advice, from the pov of someone who was raised Catholic and then became Christian.
Catholics have a pretty strong view, that their way is the only way (not flaming, stating experience) and to them, those who do things that differ from their canon are sinning. I'm sorry for what they are telling you, and my advice relates more to the state of your heart than anything else.
Please don't internalize what they are saying. You are NOT a harlot, and you are NOT committing adultery by remaining with the man you married under God.
Please affirm yourself, rebuke in your heart the things these people are saying. Remind yourself that people in religious organisations said some pretty mean things about our Lord and Saviour, and so He understands and can help you forgive these fallible humans.
Your marriage is a covenant with God, and you can take it to the Bible with your husband about this. I pray you don't get divorced, but if he's not willing to bend, then you may have no other choice, and if so, God will forgive you of that.
Pray that God will reveal the fullness of Himself to your husband. My experience with Catholicism is that it teaches more about how to do things that are holy rather than feel things that are holy, and that can hinder followers from knowing how powerful and good God is, and in all their religious activity, this can hamper their ability to hear the Holy Spirit.
Remember the story of Elisha, waiting on the mountain for our Lord to show up, and all that noise the devil created to distract him? That is why God tries so hard to teach us to be still, so that His voice can be heard over the cacophany that is our own thoughts and worries and fears.
Give your husband to God, and do your best to remain peaceful. I am living proof that there is power (over our heads like angels!) in a praying wife. I watched my husband change, miraculously, after I finally stopped trying to change him myself and let God do His work.

I'm sorry this is long, but I see you are hurting, and I pray that at least some of this helps your spirit heal.

Be blessed, my sister in Christ.

 

[mkgal1]

You're right about his family and that's the issue I have with a lot of Catholics. But it's not going to change...I just wish I wasn't in the middle of it. I do like the video, and I think I should send it to everyone who gets upset with me when I say Christianity isn't (well, shouldn't be) a religion.

I know he won't stand up to his family, because he does believe in honoring his parents, but at what point does our marriage and the promises we made become less important? I don't know..I guess I'm just rambling. Maybe there's not a solution.

The Bible instructs us to leave our natural families and cleave to our spouses as one....he's not doing that. Even in secular ceremonies, we vow (typically) to "forsake all others". He's not being loyal to your marriage above his family---and that's the main issue (not the Catholic issue).

"Honoring our parents" doesn't mean to allow them to have the reigns of our life---it simply means being a person of integrity (so as to not bring shame to our family).

This article may be of interest to you:

Dealing With In-Laws

Are you struggling right now with one of your in-laws who has been intruding into your marriage? Or, have you allowed your own parent to interfere in your relationship with your spouse? If you are unsure about what I mean by these terms intruding and interfering, let me explain. Has one or both of your in-laws been meddling in your decision-making by exerting undo influence upon you or your spouse? Have they been interfering in the way you discipline your children by overruling your decisions when you are absent? Have they sought to control your mate’s thinking by constantly badgering him or her when it comes to the way you run your household or spend your money? Do your in-laws mock or belittle your spouse in your presence? Is one of your in-laws dominating your time by constantly calling or coming by your house? Do your in-laws force their opinions on your spouse so that the decisions you have made privately with your mate are undermined? These are just a few of the ways an in-law can be intrusive and bring harm to your marriage.
How do in-laws become such a contentious issue in your marriage?

Discuss God’s plan for in-laws. One of the best places to begin to resolve this issue is to determine what the Bible teaches about your relationship with your in-laws. What Scripture teaches on this subject must be your standard of truth concerning what is right and wrong. Notice the first thing God declared after He created Eve and brought her to Adam and she became his wife. God said, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). Therefore, from the very beginning of time God saw the importance of giving this direction to couples. It is the leave and join principle. The word leave is one of the strongest Hebrew words meaning to forsake, leave behind, let alone, or abandon. The word joined is another very strong word in the opposite direction. It means to stick like glue, pursue, or hold fast to. God is giving you a direct command to cut the cord with your parents and to be glued together as one with your spouse, thus creating a new family structure independent of all others.

Therefore, honestly consider, have you abandoned your previous way of relating to your mother and father? Are you more concerned about your parents’ favor and respect or your mate’s respect? Have you forsaken the influence of your parents’ opinions or are you still controlled by what they think about you? Or, about your spouse?

More importantly, have you pursued a new relationship with your mate that supersedes the one you have had with your parents? Have you sought to be glued together with your spouse in your decision making by pursing your mate’s opinion first? If you have not done these two things here are the major reasons why there is conflict with your mate.

 

[oceansmile]

Please don't internalize what they are saying. You are NOT a harlot, and you are NOT committing adultery by remaining with the man you married under God.

I really wish I didn't care so much about what other people think.

The Bible instructs us to leave our natural families and cleave to our spouses as one....he's not doing that. Even in secular ceremonies, we vow (typically) to "forsake all others". He's not being loyal to your marriage above his family---and that's the main issue (not the Catholic issue).

See, I'd like to think that, as I believe it's easier to fix, but I wonder if that's the case. He rarely talks to his family...like, twice a year, so I'm wondering if he really believes his church is right in our case.