need advice.

[Echad]

Need advice!
My friend son when he was 10 or 11. [Now 25] Had touched his sister in a privet place on her body when she was 6 or 7. And the girl [now 20] has told her rabbi and the rabbi knows about it for 7 months and never tells the father of the children. But the father finds out from the daughter 7 months latter. What should the father do? He’s very anger at the rabbi for not telling him. The father has spoken to the assistant rabbi who say’s its there decision as leaders to not tell the father. Should this father be anger at the rabbi & assistant rabbi? He wants to leave the congregation saying he can’t trust the leadership.
I don’t know how to advise this friend. Can you help?

 

[visionary]

Anger at the Rabbi is not going to help his daughter which is the number one priority. IF the daughter has help it in for this long, and finally talked to someone else outside the family, there is communication problems between the daughter and father. Maybe this father anger has been directed in more directions over the years, and the daughter doesn't believe that is the answer to the problem. I would say that a heart to heart with the daughter is number one. Build up a trust relationship with the daughter. Be there for the daughter to relate and have final resolution over the incident. Rabbi learned something from the daughter that caused them to decide not to tell father.

Since this is ????hand information that you have posted on the board. This advise is only based on what was posted, not on what more there may be to the situation. Father needs to focus on daughter, not in rebuke but in an effort to understand and help.

 

[Yael]

There is the part that a clergy person has to hold in confidence what is disclosed to him in most circumstances unless mandated by law. I believe anyways. I'm not about to answer the right or wrong of it. I'm just pointing out that there is a need for trust between the two parties. I hope everyone gets the support and guidance they need. It is a rough situation.

 

[mjterry87]

On Jewfaq.org, they have a section about talking, or words and such. And in it is a discussion on how in Judaism everything told to between two persons is private, inless someone is in danger. I don't feel that the Father should be mad at a Rabbi, but at himself. Why did the daughter feel more comphortable telling the Rabbi about this, than her Father?

 

[Henaynei]

ecclesiastical confidentiality is a basic tenent of both religious and civil law - only if there is reason to believe that a person is in imminent physical danger can this be broken.... since this happened 15 years ago there was no imminent threat.

the daughter told her rabbi when she had reached a place where she felt safe enough to do so.... and she told her father when she felt safe enough to do so, hopefully she knew her father well enough that his reaction did not come as a surprise.

it is the young woman here that needs support

 

[Echad]

I’m sorry pleas forgive me. Let me tell you what he told me. My friend said that his daughter was delivered from guilt and oppression from this act against he, at a youth confronts that the rabbi son had helped in praying for his daughter. This is how the rabbi found out about it. She finely told her father 7 months latter. He said [the father] his daughter said it has never happen again. All so, the father does not know if he should talk to his son about this, being it happen when they were kids. Or if he should just let it go. ????? What do I tell him?
PS, He said he and his daughter had a long cry, Abd he said he had to ask her forgiveness for not being there when she needed him. She forgive him.

PS, PS, He [the father] said that the Rabbi. son misunderstood the girl as she was crying, and told his dad [the Rabbi.] that the father had touched her. This was not cleared up till 3 months latter when the assistant Rabbi wife asked his daughter if it was her father that touched her. She said no. This man was also a deacon of our church, and it was about this time they ask him to steep down. When ha asked why? The Rabbi. told him his family was not in order. But would not give him specific’s for the reason. just steep down.

 

[Henaynei]

as things often are, this looks like a tangle of miscommunication and uncomfortable communicators..... these things are *always* convoluted and messy when they come out - all players are humans, humans with their own histories and baggage - I'd wager that for almost all of them it is the first time they had ever encountered this issue, how many of us are certain we'd know the "right" way to handle such a difficult issue the first time? - none is to be judged too harshly - to do so would benefit no one - all need to ask and extend forgiveness...... perhaps out of this can come an understanding by all concerned that forges a protocol or at least foundation on which to handle this the next time it comes up

as to the son, yes, I'd say it is likely he is carrying secret guilt and 1) it needs to be discovered if this behavior has continued elsewhere or if it was just the (inappropriate) explorations of a sexually maturing and inquisitive child, and 2) to create a place/opportunity for him to ask and receive forgiveness from his sister, and possibly the family....

 

[Echad]

Thank you Henaynei for help putting me back into focus, as I was taking up offence for my friend. I will pass on what you said. Thank you.
Shalom.

 

[Henaynei]

please, I hope nothing I said came off accusitory or uncaring

these things are so painful and one wants so much to somehow make it better..... and hurting for a friend is a compassionate response when one encounters such pain, frustration, agnst..... I am sure the father was crazy with anger, guilt, pain, confusion, fear that maybe it was still going on, and panic that someone might have thought for a moment that he could do such a thing.... most of us have been in a situation that put us in such a place and in need of a place, direction, target at which to vent......

I'll be praying that all involved find a scriptural and forgiving way to make their way through this very difficult time