Need Advice, Horrible Situation

[ChrisSmith]

My sister confided something in me that I'd like some anonymous opinions about.

Recently her son, who is 15 now, admitted to "touching" his sister, who is now 12. They were 11 and 8 at the time. He only did it once, and says he apologized to her. He says it has never been talked about between them since.

He has been carrying this secret all this time.

The young girl has not said anything to anyone. She does not know anyone knows.

They seem to have a great, normal relationship with each other.

What should they do?

If they see a psychologist/pastor, would that psychologist or pastor be compelled to report? Would a psychologist/pastor have the option to report?

Should they bring this up to the daughter? She has not told anyone.

Both kids have some signs, and have had signs for a while, that there might be some stress in their lives. Of course no one would have guessed this was the source. Professional help is a great idea, but my sis/BTL don't know how to proceed. They want to act, but are afraid since its possible that doing the wrong thing might be worse than doing nothing.

I'm at a loss. I know my sister must be desperate to confided something like this with even me.

 

[Shadow]

I'm absolutely not "qualified" to give any advice on this, and as a non-christian I can't give you any moral guidance on how to respond in a way that is consistent with your beliefs, but gut-reaction is this doesn't sound like child abuse.

https://www.healthychildren.org/Eng...ol/Pages/Sexual-Behaviors-Young-Children.aspx
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing...althy-sexual-behaviour-children-young-people/

People have been aware of infantile sexuality since at least Sigmund Freud and probably before. However, it is a subject that is immensely sensitive and taboo because as a society we tend to define sexuality in a very limited sense as a physical act between two people; we therefore think that the act of sex and preparation for it means that sexual activity and desire starts in adolescence. I think psychologists understand that the "instinct" and the desire is there much earlier in infancy but manifests itself is less obvious ways, such as masturbation and "genital play".

https://ccrma.stanford.edu/~pj97/SigmundF.htm

I.e. its awkward but it does happen and is not automatically a problem.

 

[Greg J.]

I also have no qualifications to speak to this issue, which is perhaps indicative that a child psychologist should be brought in. I do not think she has any legal issues to worry about. If anything, it wouldn't be toward her son, it would toward her. But even then, since he was 11, I wouldn't worry very much. I'm very impressed the son told her about it and he should probably be praised for it.

The first thing that comes to mind is that it is important to find out how it has affected the daughter and son. The daughter may not remember the event and/or it may have planted a seed for future trust/sexual problems. Since the latter is possible even if she doesn't remember it, I would urge Mom to take them both in to licensed child psychologists separately (male for the boy, female for the girl) for a "general well-being checkup." It is 100% true that a generalized visit to a psychologist is very much for the future well-being of the patient and may bear fruit not related to the event. The psychologist will want to know why they're coming and Mom can let the psychologist know ahead of time the kinds of things she is concerned about. It may take more than one appointment simply because the kids might not be too keen on sharing private matters. The child needs to be given some honest assurance that the parent won't be told everything from the appointment, and that for most things, it is just between the child and the psychologist.

It sounds like the mother doesn't have the kind of relationship with her kids where she can just sit them both down and talk about it. However, that's what I'd suggest if child psychologists are not brought in. At such a time as she can speak calmly, she should speak directly about the event. ("How did it make you feel?" not "Why did you behave that way?") It's also an opportunity to give them future info ("tell me if anyone ever does this to you" and "run from such a person, no matter who they are, to someplace safe, then call me").

A child psychologist might also identify other issues that the mother is not aware of (anticipating potential for drug use, or whatever). Actually, I would suggest everyone with a 15 year old that's not homeschooling take them in for a happiness checkup, unless the child freely speaks of their worries and pains already. It's an opportunity to tell someone (the child psychologist) the kinds of things that they "aren't comfortable telling their parents."

By the way, it's pretty clear that Mom could use some visits to a psychologist as well to talk about the troubles, struggles, and insecurities in her life.

 

[dqhall]

My sister confided something in me that I'd like some anonymous opinions about.

Recently her son, who is 15 now, admitted to "touching" his sister, who is now 12. They were 11 and 8 at the time. He only did it once, and says he apologized to her. He says it has never been talked about between them since.

He has been carrying this secret all this time.

The young girl has not said anything to anyone. She does not know anyone knows.

They seem to have a great, normal relationship with each other.

What should they do?

If they see a psychologist/pastor, would that psychologist or pastor be compelled to report? Would a psychologist/pastor have the option to report?

Should they bring this up to the daughter? She has not told anyone.

Both kids have some signs, and have had signs for a while, that there might be some stress in their lives. Of course no one would have guessed this was the source. Professional help is a great idea, but my sis/BTL don't know how to proceed. They want to act, but are afraid since its possible that doing the wrong thing might be worse than doing nothing.

I'm at a loss. I know my sister must be desperate to confided something like this with even me.

The boy should be taught laws against inappropriate touching, incest, fornication, adultery, homosexuality and masturbation. The girl should also be taught laws against inappropriate touching, incest, fornication, adultery, homosexuality and masturbation as some girls have their first period when they are 12.

Girls who got pregnant when they were unmarried in high school were frequently at a disadvantage.
Children who are instructed by their parents to do right and reject wrong may have a better chance in life.

My dad taught me it was wrong to take a cookie from the neighbor's cookie jar when I was 6. He told me it was stealing. I remembered I could not take a cookie at a neighbor's house, only at my house.

 

[Tolworth John]

Both kids have some signs, and have had signs for a while, that there might be some stress in their lives.

Approach them about this. If they are stressed about school, bullying, inapropriate sexual activity, parents arguing etc etc etc etc
This gives then an opener to start talking.