Hoping for some words of advice. I am a divorced (10 years) working mom of 2 teens. I’ve been dating a man for 2 years who is flawed but I love him. He’s essentially a functioning alcoholic and is not super responsible but he’s got a good heart and loves the Lord. I have worked hard to get my life back after my divorce. I have a good paying job and own my own home now. I love being with this man but can’t bring myself to marry him due to his issues. I’ve tried to talk to him about them but it seems he’s incapable of changing. I truly believe he is on the spectrum and I’m not just making excuses. My son is autistic and I know a lot about it. Anyhow - I’ve fallen into a comfortable place of just dating but not marrying. He stays over a few nights a week but sleeps in another room one pullout couch. He lives in my town and I’d prefer he go home at night but he drinks and doesn’t want to drive home even after 1 drink due to an earlier DUI. I have parents and a sibling that live very close and are shaming me for dating him In the first place and allowing him to stay at my home When we’re not married. I am so unhappy I could die. I really do want marriage but I’m so afraid. I know he’s not suitable for this but I love him. I’ve tried to break things off a few times but I’m miserable without him. I don’t know what to do. I live in an area where it seems there aren’t any men who share my Christian conservative values. I fear that if I lose him I will face a lifetime of loneliness. Please help.
Need advice - afraid of what’s next
- Thread starter Juju20
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Believe me, ... loneliness will seem like ecstasy, ... compared to what your life will be like with this man.
The deceit is ... you believe that things will stay, at least, ... at the level they are now, ... but the truth is, things don't stay the same, ... and in this man's case, ... they will only get worse, and, in all likelihood, ... much worse.
For one, ... you will take on the additional responsibility for keeping this guy going, ... cause he's not going to do it. He's already refusing to take responsibility for his life.
Also, ... you've got teens. You need to guard them from this kind of influence. Teens are already hard enough, ... and you're risking them developing problems that may not resolve in a lifetime, and which will end up being a lifetime of maternal misery for you.
I know that it will be hard ... but you need to separate yourself (and your kids) from this guy ASAP.
Put your trust in God to deliver you from your loneliness. Join a church.
Almost anything else is better than the path along which you are headed ...
The deceit is ... you believe that things will stay, at least, ... at the level they are now, ... but the truth is, things don't stay the same, ... and in this man's case, ... they will only get worse, and, in all likelihood, ... much worse.
For one, ... you will take on the additional responsibility for keeping this guy going, ... cause he's not going to do it. He's already refusing to take responsibility for his life.
Also, ... you've got teens. You need to guard them from this kind of influence. Teens are already hard enough, ... and you're risking them developing problems that may not resolve in a lifetime, and which will end up being a lifetime of maternal misery for you.
I know that it will be hard ... but you need to separate yourself (and your kids) from this guy ASAP.
Put your trust in God to deliver you from your loneliness. Join a church.
Almost anything else is better than the path along which you are headed ...
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- Nov 21, 2008
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Your strongest appeal to him is now... it will weaken every year once you marry him. His "incapable of changing... only more so" will surface.
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Brightmoon
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My beloved late cousin’s beloved husband was a functional alcoholic. It eventually killed him. He was a good father and husband. I think of him as a semi father as my biological father was abusive . That said , it’s your decision if you want to deal with someone who’s only half there for you and who’ll love that alcohol more than you or your family . I wouldn’t marry him unless he permanently stops drinking . Tell him you won’t allow him to drink at your place any longer as you’re enabling a behavior that you know is not going to end well.
Tell your family to mind their own business ( and don’t be polite about it) since you’ve already explained that for safety reasons you allow him to stay over. How would you feel if he died or got arrested vs telling your family to mind their own business. That said, don’t enable his drinking by allowing him to drink at your house
Tell your family to mind their own business ( and don’t be polite about it) since you’ve already explained that for safety reasons you allow him to stay over. How would you feel if he died or got arrested vs telling your family to mind their own business. That said, don’t enable his drinking by allowing him to drink at your house
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Dear, I believe you know the answer, as you have written it.
You don't have to marry him ever, but if you think he's not suitable for marriage, it's fair to let him go. You won't end up alone forever if you do so. Try not to be instructed by irrational fear.
He can be your friend, grab a coffee sometimes. And you can make a room for your and his future spouse.
God bless +
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splish- splash
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God hasn't actually told you, you'll never find a suitable partner though has He? So you have nothing to be afraid of. I'd only be worried, if that report had come from God.
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Thank you all for your words of support and wisdom. I know what I have to do... as hard as it will be.
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