My wife and I have known each other since we were 14. We ended up being really close friends in high school, but there was never anything romantic between us. When we went off to college, we realized that we desperately missed each other, and through a lot of conversations on the phone and through email, decided that we loved each other and wanted to be married. We were in our early 20's when we got married. Now we are coming up on our 10th anniversary and have 4 kids. Early on she would sometimes become upset with me and tell me that we never talk. I didn't really understand what she meant, because we talked all the time, and I told her that. She told me that I say things to her but I don't really talk to her. It puzzled me, and I don't think I ever really understood what she meant, and she could never explain it in a way I understood. Eventually, she stopped bringing it up all together and she started to become depressed and distant. She stopped doing any sort of cleaning or taking care of the house, work we had shared in the past, and it seems like all my time in the last few years has been spent either working, trying to keep the house clean, or cooking and taking care of the kids while she sits on the couch on her laptop. I knew she was depressed but didn't know what to do about it. I thought she was just worn out by watching the kids all day, so I would try to help by taking over chores or watching the kids in the evening so she could get out of the house. I encouraged her to get a job so she could spend time with adults and have a life outside of the home, but she never wanted one.
Anyway, about two months ago she told me that she has never really been in love with me and thinks that marrying me was a mistake. She says she married me because I was "safe and comfortable" and she's always been nervous about men she doesn't know. She also says that at the time she felt pressured by the church to get married and have kids because that's what a good Christian woman does. She has spent the last five years or so depressed and feeling guilty about it. She says she wanted to have children because she thought that she might be happier with me if we had kids, but that it didn't work and she feels trapped now. In subsequent talks with her I've found out that she has met another guy online who she says is all the things I never was, and she doesn't know whether she wants to stay with me or leave to be with him. She says she still loves me because I've always treated her with love, but she only sees me as a friend. She's afraid to leave me because she doesn't really know this guy and she doesn't want to hurt me or lose my friendship, but she's afraid to stay because she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life unhappy. She says she believes in God but is sick of the church and doesn't think God can or will do anything to make her happy in our relationship. Before all this came up, we had planned on her getting a vacation by herself to Florida. We had set up money in a seperate account for the trip and she has plane tickets. This was when I thought the problem was just stress from the kids and from being couped up in the house all day. When I found out about this other guy, I also found out that he lives in Florida, and they were planning to meet for coffee, I guess so that she can weigh her options. She told me she still intends to go through with meeting him, but she has also told me that she is willing to go see a marriage counselor. She didn't want to see a Christian marriage counselor unless we had no other choice, because she says she "knows what they'll say already." She's just torn right now because she doesn't want to give me up, but she doesn't want to give up this other guy either.
I'm sorry this is so long. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. That's why I found this forum. I don't want to talk to anyone we know about it, because I'm afraid they will judge her and look down on her, and I don't want that on her reputation if she decides to stay. I want to meet whatever needs this other guy is meeting, but I just don't understand what it is she wants from me, or even if that is really the problem. She has told me over and over that it isn't that I ever did something wrong, it's just that I'm the wrong kind of person for her and that I'd be happier without her. Also, I've been trying to find a counselor, but I don't know if we can afford one. I feel abandoned and stupid and worthless because I can't be the husband she needs and I just don't know what to do. I feel alone. Please pray for me.
Anyway, about two months ago she told me that she has never really been in love with me and thinks that marrying me was a mistake. She says she married me because I was "safe and comfortable" and she's always been nervous about men she doesn't know. She also says that at the time she felt pressured by the church to get married and have kids because that's what a good Christian woman does. She has spent the last five years or so depressed and feeling guilty about it. She says she wanted to have children because she thought that she might be happier with me if we had kids, but that it didn't work and she feels trapped now. In subsequent talks with her I've found out that she has met another guy online who she says is all the things I never was, and she doesn't know whether she wants to stay with me or leave to be with him. She says she still loves me because I've always treated her with love, but she only sees me as a friend. She's afraid to leave me because she doesn't really know this guy and she doesn't want to hurt me or lose my friendship, but she's afraid to stay because she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life unhappy. She says she believes in God but is sick of the church and doesn't think God can or will do anything to make her happy in our relationship. Before all this came up, we had planned on her getting a vacation by herself to Florida. We had set up money in a seperate account for the trip and she has plane tickets. This was when I thought the problem was just stress from the kids and from being couped up in the house all day. When I found out about this other guy, I also found out that he lives in Florida, and they were planning to meet for coffee, I guess so that she can weigh her options. She told me she still intends to go through with meeting him, but she has also told me that she is willing to go see a marriage counselor. She didn't want to see a Christian marriage counselor unless we had no other choice, because she says she "knows what they'll say already." She's just torn right now because she doesn't want to give me up, but she doesn't want to give up this other guy either.
I'm sorry this is so long. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. That's why I found this forum. I don't want to talk to anyone we know about it, because I'm afraid they will judge her and look down on her, and I don't want that on her reputation if she decides to stay. I want to meet whatever needs this other guy is meeting, but I just don't understand what it is she wants from me, or even if that is really the problem. She has told me over and over that it isn't that I ever did something wrong, it's just that I'm the wrong kind of person for her and that I'd be happier without her. Also, I've been trying to find a counselor, but I don't know if we can afford one. I feel abandoned and stupid and worthless because I can't be the husband she needs and I just don't know what to do. I feel alone. Please pray for me.