My wife and I have a disagreement... Help us settle

[Dave-W]

The husband has a right to prefer a certain look in a wife, but whether or not to do it is the wife's final decision. He should be kind and considerate of her no matter what he does. However, being turned on when she follows his preference, and reacting accordingly, would only be natural I think.

I kind of have a reverse of the situation here. I've seen pictures of my husband before we met, and he had a mustache. Now, whether or not I like mustaches depends on the man. I think he looked smoking hot in it. I mean, YOWZA. But he had it for a long time and got sick of it, and now he won't grow it again.

And how do you square that with this scripture?

1 Cor 7. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.​

While the direct context is talking about sex, does not the same apply in matters of appearance?

 

[*LILAC]

She likes her legs to stay natural. I may not like it, but I accept it. There’s no changing here.

Then let her keep her legs as she sees fit.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

And how do you square that with this scripture?

1 Cor 7. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.​

While the direct context is talking about sex, does not the same apply in matters of appearance?

While I do see your point, I'd have trouble thinking it means I can just *tell* my husband to grow his mustache again, and he'd be obligated to do it. I believe the spirit of the Scripture is more in line with not using the withholding of sex as a punishment. You know that trope we see sometimes where the wife is mad at the husband and makes him sleep on the couch? I don't believe in that.

 

[Dave-W]

I believe the spirit of the Scripture is more in line with not using the withholding of sex as a punishment.

I understand that and said that was the primary understanding. But I think the principle holds even in the non-sexual areas as well.

But the comment about the mustache being "smoking hot" has a certain sexual connotation to it as well.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Oh, believe me, I do wish he'd grow it again. But I don't feel I can just tell him to, and if I did, he'd resent it. Anything he does resentfully, rather than willingly, I'd rather he didn't do at all. Maybe it's the same way with the OP and his wife's legs.

 

[HannahT]

(Shrugs) Honestly? If the biggest issue in your marriage is shaving or not shaving legs? Consider yourself very lucky, thankful, etc - and go on with life.

I wouldn't take this issue and turn it into a bone of contention within your marriage. I get it that it is your preference, and some preferences are easy to accommodate. Some you feel very uncomfortable with.

Sounds like both of you are extremely lucky and above all decent to each other! Keep it UP! Seriously!

lol this does NOT belong in a marriage folder, because there is no right or wrong answer here. It just is. Don't make this a stinky point, because its NOT worth it! Think about it!

Your a lucky man, and she is a lucky woman. Be Blessed!

 

[snoochface]

It's not about whether or not she shaves her legs. It's about her feeling that the only time he shows appreciation and love is when she shaves her legs, and him feeling like he shows appreciation and love often and in all aspects of their marriage.

Why do people keep talking about this issue like it's about whether or not she is "allowed" to not shave her legs, or he is "allowed" to demand that she shave her legs? That's not the issue at all.

 

[HannahT]

t's about her feeling that the only time he shows appreciation and love is when she shaves her legs, and him feeling like he shows appreciation and love often and in all aspects of their marriage.

I think you need to go back and read it again. She in the post below didn't say the 'only' time he appreciates or loves is when she shaves her legs.

My husband is a good Christian man, and we have a healthy, loving relationship, but, he changes when I shave my legs

That doesn't read to me about her feeling the only he shows appreciate or love is when she shaves her legs. It sounds to me he feels she is more of a hottie when she shaves. (Shrugs) Whatever.

Does the change in him bother her over just shaving? Yes. It might bother me too. Yet, everyone is an individual....and if shaved legs is all that to you? Whatever floats your boat. If you don't like to shave, and feel more comfortable unshaven? Whatever floats your boat.

Their post didn't read to me marriage emergency here. Feeling loved ONLY when shaved? Is. That's not present here.

Each marriage have sticking points, and normally they are along the (no offense love2teach and wife, meant with the greatest of intentions) lines of petty things. It's called being human - we can do this. Then of course you have the bigger issues. This isn't one of them. lol Its one of those dumb martial disagreements we all have!

I don't get the impression the poster's husband would force her - or demand it of her. Would other men on this board? Maybe. He's smart NOT to, because that could cause some major resentment. I think he pointed out his service to her as a way of showing he wasn't a big old meanie pants husband. lol although he did go a bit over the top - I can't blame him there. People do read into things at times.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I think you need to go back and read it again. She in the post below didn't say the 'only' time he appreciates or loves is when she shaves her legs.

OP: “... he changes when I shave my legs. This bothers me. He's more kind, more affectionate, and more complimentary. I believe he should appreciate me for who I am and not just my shaved legs. Whether I shave or not, my husband should be kind, affectionate and complimentary all the time. It shouldn't change just because I shave.”

It seems there that she feels a significant chunk of his affection and compliments come only when she shaves.

As I said, this isn’t about shaving. This is about somebody who is expressing irritation in an affection uptick she wants to see more regularly but only comes when she does something to be more attractive to him or appeal to a preference of his. Which, you know, I can get why it would be irritating. Nobody only wants to hear on date night how great they are. When you’re herding Kids and jobs and life and bills, not hearing that you’re special with the same passion or sincerity as when you meet attractiveness conditions can lead to resentment. “You think I’m pretty on prom night but not laundry day?” sort of thing.

Maybe he’s not commanding she shave her legs, but the implication is she feels by being more loving and complimentary when she does and primarily when she does, it’s a passive demand. He will provide the attention she wants regularly, but only if she does what he likes. If that’s how she’s interpreting it, it’s going to be an issue that needs dealing with.

 

[HannahT]

Your highlighted part? If you read the above sentence it says he is already kind, etc. He is just more so when she shaves. Okay.

That still doesn't say he only appreciates me when I shave. It doesn't say that a 'significant chunk' of his affection only happens when she shaves. Nothing I read implies she only gets decent attention ONLY when she shaves.

I did address that part about her feeling he is more so when she shaves. More so doesn't mean she gets nothing or next to nothing the rest of the time.

He finds it a turn on. Okay. Most people that get turned on act different. Big surprise.

They need to settle this themselves, and I still don't think people on a board that don't know them need to imply things are awful due to shaving or not shaving.

There are two sides here, and I don't see this as a marriage emergency others seem to be implying here.

He likes what he likes, and She likes what she likes. Nothing wrong with either. lol its one of those minor parts of marriage that can grind on your nerve on occasion, but overall nothing earth shattering. Yep, not about shaving. It's about marriage.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

The biggest problem you have is she doesn't shave her legs...dude, hit your knees and thank God for a wonderful wife and marriage.

If my husband had the audacity to say anything to me about the state of my legs, well, he'd be told where the bus stops. I wear pants or long skirts 90% of the time these days so whether or not my legs are shaved is so not an issue. And, since my car accident last year, bending over to shave is painful. If the hubs felt that strongly, then he could shave them himself or pay for a wax. Fortunately, neither one of us have that sort of hang up.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Your highlighted part? If you read the above sentence it says he is already kind, etc. He is just more so when she shaves. Okay.

That still doesn't say he only appreciates me when I shave. It doesn't say that a 'significant chunk' of his affection only happens when she shaves. Nothing I read implies she only gets decent attention ONLY when she shaves.

I did address that part about her feeling he is more so when she shaves. More so doesn't mean she gets nothing or next to nothing the rest of the time.

He finds it a turn on. Okay. Most people that get turned on act different. Big surprise.

They need to settle this themselves, and I still don't think people on a board that don't know them need to imply things are awful due to shaving or not shaving.

There are two sides here, and I don't see this as a marriage emergency others seem to be implying here.

He likes what he likes, and She likes what she likes. Nothing wrong with either. lol its one of those minor parts of marriage that can grind on your nerve on occasion, but overall nothing earth shattering. Yep, not about shaving. It's about marriage.

Kind does not mean affectionate or attentive or even loving.

I think you’re stuck on the whole leg shaving part, not the rest that comes with what she’s saying. If she was saying this about make-up, something you’ve expressed definite opinions on, you’d be singing a different song.

 

[*LILAC]

I'd say, if you want shaved legs, shave your own. lol

 

[Clark Reyes]

If my wife decided not to shave then I would still love her because I have been in love with her for so long however it would be hard for me, psychologically, to touch her legs because hairy legs reminds me of a mans legs. Do you think there is a psychological aspect to the husbands problem? Hairy things (at least in my world) have always been associated as a manly thing.

 

[HannahT]

(Shrugs) Could be. Shaving is a cultural aspect. Women in many parts of the world don't.

 

[Par5]

If my wife and I ever have a disagreement I make sure that things are quickly resolved by ensuring that I have the last word. Usually along the lines of "Yes dear."

 

[annafullofgrace]

I couldn’t find the post, but I thought I read that the OP doesn’t grow a beard becuse his wife doesn’t like it....marriage is about compromises. If he wants a beard, grow a beard, she doesn’t want to shave, then don’t shave. Personally, I do believe my husband and I have the right to tell each other how we like each others body hair and we take into consideration, while still having the final say.

 

[Guy Incognito]

I'm kinda with Hanna T on this - the post doesn't say he's not appreciative, it says he is more appreciative when her legs are shaved - the conflict this seems to cause, it seems is that the wife feels he should always show that level of appreciation. I'll be honest, I'm not sure that's realistic.

A husband should always strive to make his wife feel appreciated and loved (and vice-versa), but I honestly believe it to be natural to show more appreciation at times. When my wife goes out of the way to do something for me (and yes, something she doesn't necessarily enjoy) - I can't help but be more appreciative as she just showed an example of a loving sacrifice, it was something special. And it goes the same way for when I go out of my way for her. I know I'm always appreciated, but when it's something special or out of the norm or whatever - my wife shows extra appreciation.

It seems like maybe the OP husband needs to show that consistent appreciation more often (not that he isn't, it just seems like the OP wife feels that way), and then she will see "hey, he always really appreciates me, but he also *really* appreciates it when I shave my legs".

I have a couple preferences maritally, and my wife doesn't often indulge in them. But when she does, man oh man am I grateful, and I know she appreciates the increased level of enthusiasm - cause it's shows I really value her going above and beyond.

Anyways, for what its worth, that's my two cents. Hope it was helpful.

 

[jameseb]

It wouldn't do much for me, intimacy-wise, but I wouldn't ask her to do something she didn't like. On the flip side, I hope she'd understand that, like her, I have my own feelings on the matter. It doesn't sound like it's a game breaker as far as your marriage, and nor would it be for mine, but if she wants the intimacy... the hair has to go.

 

[Moonrise Lu]

I'm with Tropical Wilds on this. Seems like it is more about being upset that he isn't as loving when she has hairy legs. Not that he isn't loving, just that there is apparently a big spike in affection and that bothers her. Maybe she's feeling like he doesn't love her 100% unless she is what he considers a perfect version of her. Which can make a woman wonder if he will continue loving her when she starts getting wrinkles or if her waistline changes. Might be about feelings of insecurity. And remember women are judged a lot by what they choose to do/not do about their appearance, so there might be societal factors affecting her decision.

From a practical standpoint, how often is he wanting her to shave? Shaving is time consuming and a pain, frankly. I actually like having smooth legs and I hate shaving. If he is wanting her to be silky smooth every day, that is kind of asking for a lot. Some people grow hair really quick, your skin can get sensitive if you shave very often, and decent razors blades can be expensive. Lets say she shaves once a week, but gets prickly by the weekend. Does he act totally in love her monday, but buy sunday is less interested? If my husband's affection was based on my leg hair length, I'd be upset too. Yeah, it makes sense to be excited when your spouse is adhering to your preferences, but it shouldn't affect your overall affection for them. It would feel too much like their love isn't steady.

And they're also the person who has to deal with that preference the most. Like I said, shaving is a pain to do everyday. I'm also glad my husband didn't listen to my preference of keeping his hair long. I think he looks great with it, but he enjoys not having short hair because it is less troublesome to take care of, he prefers how light it feels, and it looks more professional, I'll admit. Do I still dig when he is late on getting a haircut? Yes. But I'd rather he be happy with what he sees in the mirror and has to deal with because I care about him more.