My wife and I have a disagreement... Help us settle

love2teach

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The premise: We have a dispute, and we want the advice of Christians.
Background: She does not shave her legs as a lifestyle. He loves smooth legs.
She shaves her legs for his birthday sometimes-- as a gift. She will do this as an anniversary gift too.
Her side: I'm the same person whether I shave or not. My husband is a good Christian man, and we have a healthy, loving relationship, but, he changes when I shave my legs. This bothers me. He's more kind, more affectionate, and more complimentary. I believe he should appreciate me for who I am and not just my shaved legs. Whether I shave or not, my husband should be kind, affectionate and complimentary all the time. It shouldn't change just because I shave. Using a razor doesn't change who I am on the inside. It's my inner beauty that matters most.

His side: I'm grateful when she shaves, and I tell her such. In fact, to me, it endears her more to me. I tell her I'm humbly grateful for the times when she does this for me. Yes, I compliment her more and I'm more affectionate when she's shaved. It's a gift to me, and I feel I'm appreciating it. No doubt, she's always attractive to me, but she is the most physically attractive to me when her legs are shaved. I'm complimentary and gracious with my wife on a regular basis, but when I get this gift, yes, I'm more affectionate and kind. I express gratitude regularly for the meals she cooks, but when she creates a spectacular dish, I gush over it. When she wears a fancy dress, I tend to dote on her more. I think this is human nature, and I don't believe I'm doing anything wrong or offensive.

What does the jury say?
 

Paidiske

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Sounds to me like the core of the problem is here: "he changes when I shave my legs...he should appreciate me for who I am."

If she's hurt by your behaviour, it sounds as if she doesn't, deep down, really believe you do appreciate her for who she is; as evidenced by changed behaviour. (Bear in mind that questions of how we are pressured to present ourselves are complicated for women, and there might be a very great deal of emotion tied up in doing or not doing particular things that are about how we look).

None of us on the internet can tell you whether you do appreciate her for who she is, or do not, or where that perception/fear/hurt is coming from in her. But if I were you, that's where I'd be focussing my attention.
 
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As a couple, we should do things to set out to please one another. The fact that she doesn't want to shave when she knows it bothers you is a sign that she is not sensitive to your needs as a man. Have you made any changes to your life on her behalf? If so, you can bring that up as to why she is not desiring to change.

Love is not a one way street.
Love should be synergistic.

Anyways, what is one way to resolve this so that you never argue about this again?

There are several different methods to remove hair permanently.

How to Permanently Remove Hair on the Legs
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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Sounds like "he" needs to realize what a marriage is. I mean sure, we all "like" things that our spouse may do. But it doesn't mean we should treat them better than normal when they do those things. My wife doesn't shave anything on her body (well armpits), but I still love her the same no matter what. And she does the same for me. Getting more love from someone based on doing something just seems odd.

Now there are things of course that may be of importance and loving someone more. I mean lets say you spouse was super lazy. Doesn't work, doens't make their own food, doesn't do chores, eats junk food, is like 400 pounds, doesn't shower, doesn't be clean, wastes all the money on useless things. In that case I'd be more understanding if someone wasn't as "in love" because at that points what they are doing is damaging themselves and the marriage.

But over shaved legs.... nah.

Are you in america? Because one thing I noticed is some ethnicities that come here may not do certain things because to them its not normal. Such as some german women I see have mustaches, I mean not super visible ones. But you can still see something. But to them it may not be a big deal. So I wouldn't care. Though I imagine if it was like an inch long mustache I'd probably care lol. But I wouldn't love them any less.

Marriage is about accepting each others flaws. In this case unshaved legs.
 
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love2teach

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As a couple, we should do things to set out to please one another. The fact that she doesn't want to shave when she knows it bothers you is a sign that she is not sensitive to your needs as a man. Have you made any changes to your life on her behalf? If so, you can bring that up as to why she is not desiring to change.

Love is not a one way street.
Love should be synergistic.

Anyways, what is one way to resolve this so that you never argue about this again?

There are several different methods to remove hair permanently.

How to Permanently Remove Hair on the Legs

She likes her legs to stay natural. I may not like it, but I accept it. There’s no changing here.
 
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love2teach

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Sounds like "he" needs to realize what a marriage is. I mean sure, we all "like" things that our spouse may do. But it doesn't mean we should treat them better than normal when they do those things. My wife doesn't shave anything on her body (well armpits), but I still love her the same no matter what. And she does the same for me. Getting more love from someone based on doing something just seems odd.

Now there are things of course that may be of importance and loving someone more. I mean lets say you spouse was super lazy. Doesn't work, doens't make their own food, doesn't do chores, eats junk food, is like 400 pounds, doesn't shower, doesn't be clean, wastes all the money on useless things. In that case I'd be more understanding if someone wasn't as "in love" because at that points what they are doing is damaging themselves and the marriage.

But over shaved legs.... nah.

Are you in america? Because one thing I noticed is some ethnicities that come here may not do certain things because to them its not normal. Such as some german women I see have mustaches, I mean not super visible ones. But you can still see something. But to them it may not be a big deal. So I wouldn't care. Though I imagine if it was like an inch long mustache I'd probably care lol. But I wouldn't love them any less.

Marriage is about accepting each others flaws. In this case unshaved legs.

I don’t compel her to shave. I’m appreciative when she does.
I work to keep her happy and secure. I provide for the family and I go beyond to make sure we have memorable vacations. She gets 3 gifts from me every holiday: one for her as a spouse, one for her as a mother, and one for her that’s personal. I make sure she knows I appreciate her for all her roles in my life. I take care of her financially and emotionally. I spend time with her, and I’m a loving husband.
I cook dinner at least 3 days each week ans I make her breakfast without being asked.
If I appreciate every meal she makes and say thanks, she knows she’s appreciated. But when I rave about a meal she makes, maybe she will make it again. I believe I should always appreciate the meal, but I should give high praise to a meal done well.
 
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ValleyGal

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Hmm. Are you seriously willing to argue about something like hair? Do you think she should expect you to pluck your ear and nose hair every day jut because she thinks it's more attractive? Are you also going to argue about leaving the toilet seat up or the toothpaste cap off? Or other things that are pretty meaningless in the overall scheme of making marriage work?

God calls you to love your wife. He does not call you to love her only when she shaves her legs or otherwise makes herself beautiful for you.

And gifts? Only three? You miss the point then, if she only has three roles to you. What about friend, lover, partner, etc. You don't need to give her "high praise" for a meal well-done. lol. Instead, a simple "that was extra-tasty" is enough... then reinforce it by maybe doing the dishes or cooking for her the next night.

Sorry, but wow... with all the other things that go on in a marriage, community, country, and world, and you are arguing about whether she shaves her legs?

Find something better to do.
 
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Poppyseed78

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I'm trying to formulate a kind response to this. But my opinion is mostly just..."Really?" You have a job, a home, a loving wife, food on the table, what I assume to be good health, and children. God has blessed you in many ways. Please focus on those things and not a bit of hair on your wife's legs.
 
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I'm not sure why people are missing what seem to be salient points to me. You DO show your appreciation to her, by your account. You are loving, supportive, helpful, you thank her and show appreciation. The three gifts seemed thoughtful and touching to me, showing her your respect for the multiple hats she wears in the family ("only three?" threw me - how many gifts are appropriate for a husband to give his wife per holiday??).

So I don't think the point is that you're not loving or appreciative to her all the time. I think the point is that you really, really like it when she goes out of her way to do something FOR YOU that she doesn't like to do. She is making an effort to give you a gift of doing something she prefers not to do, and in response to that you are showing her how much you value that gift. That.... seems like how things are supposed to work. You are both showing your appreciation to each other, but somewhere along the way the message is getting jumbled.

I don't understand why she takes your show of appreciation for something she has lovingly done for you as you "only loving her when she shaves." That doesn't seem to be what you are trying to convey, by the account of how you show her love and appreciation throughout all aspects of your marriage. Something is getting lost in translation, and that's where your focus should be. Whatever message you are trying to send, she's receiving something different.

She is showing her love to you. You are trying to show your appreciation to her. If she is hearing your appreciation as being the only time you are loving to her, that's the discussion you need to have. It doesn't matter if it's about shaved legs, or washed clothes, or cooked food. If she is doing something special for you and your thanks is coming across as something else, there's a communication gap that needs to be addressed.

Start at the basics. "When you do this, I feel that." Both of you need to express that to each other and both of you need to listen to the answers and adjust accordingly, so the love and appreciation you are both trying to convey is what is actually received. You might just be saying the same things but in different languages.
 
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GeorgeJ

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The fact that she doesn't want to shave when she knows it bothers you is a sign that she is not sensitive to your needs as a man.
A man wanting his wife to shave her legs is NOT a "need"......it's a preference on his part.
 
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A man wanting his wife to shave her legs is NOT a "need"......it's a preference on his part.

That is not true. It is the man's need of being happy in regards to her physical attractiveness and in him knowing that she wants to please him as a wife (Which is normal).
 
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I'm trying to formulate a kind response to this. But my opinion is mostly just..."Really?" You have a job, a home, a loving wife, food on the table, what I assume to be good health, and children. God has blessed you in many ways. Please focus on those things and not a bit of hair on your wife's legs.

I am in total disagreement here. Should we not be concerned with each other's appearances to look good so as to please one another and represent the Lord Jesus Christ? We know that once we start down that road of not caring how we look, it can in some cases get worse.
 
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tall73

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I'm not sure why people are missing what seem to be salient points to me. You DO show your appreciation to her, by your account. You are loving, supportive, helpful, you thank her and show appreciation. The three gifts seemed thoughtful and touching to me, showing her your respect for the multiple hats she wears in the family ("only three?" threw me - how many gifts are appropriate for a husband to give his wife per holiday??).

So I don't think the point is that you're not loving or appreciative to her all the time. I think the point is that you really, really like it when she goes out of her way to do something FOR YOU that she doesn't like to do. She is making an effort to give you a gift of doing something she prefers not to do, and in response to that you are showing her how much you value that gift. That.... seems like how things are supposed to work. You are both showing your appreciation to each other, but somewhere along the way the message is getting jumbled.

I don't understand why she takes your show of appreciation for something she has lovingly done for you as you "only loving her when she shaves." That doesn't seem to be what you are trying to convey, by the account of how you show her love and appreciation throughout all aspects of your marriage. Something is getting lost in translation, and that's where your focus should be. Whatever message you are trying to send, she's receiving something different.

She is showing her love to you. You are trying to show your appreciation to her. If she is hearing your appreciation as being the only time you are loving to her, that's the discussion you need to have. It doesn't matter if it's about shaved legs, or washed clothes, or cooked food. If she is doing something special for you and your thanks is coming across as something else, there's a communication gap that needs to be addressed.

Start at the basics. "When you do this, I feel that." Both of you need to express that to each other and both of you need to listen to the answers and adjust accordingly, so the love and appreciation you are both trying to convey is what is actually received. You might just be saying the same things but in different languages.


I understand you are just trying to show appreciation,and it makes sense because she did something extra for you. However, it sounds like she is only doing it begrudgingly, and so she interprets your extra appreciation as pressure to do it more often, or a reminder that you don't like the way it is most of the time.

I have the opposite situation. I would like to have a beard sometimes, but my wife does not like it. So I shave regularly because to me there is no point having a beard if my wife doesn't like it. Who else am I trying to impress? I don't get any praise for that of course, just less excitement if I don't shave. But it makes more sense to me if I know that is what she prefers to just do it to make her happy. I could tell her to love me as I am, but that misses the point. She does love me as I am. She just doesn't like beards. She is not going to suddenly start liking beards because I feel unloved if she doesn't.

Has she said the reason she doesn't like to shave? Is it just the hassle, or is it an ethical/health/philosophical reason to not do so?

Does she have any grooming preferences for you?

I would ask her why she does this on special occasions. If it is just because it is something she did before because you asked for it, and she hates it, that is different than if she is doing it as a special gift to you out of a desire to make you happy. It sounds like the former so far.
 
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...in your opinion........

I see it as this....

"Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others." (Philippians 2:4).

While God looks at the heart and not the outside, we do have a book written in our Bibles about physical attractiveness between a man and a woman. It is called the Song of Solomon. Yes, bodily exercise profits little, but it still profits. It will help one to be stronger, and more healthy, with more energy, and to think better. When we care about the way we look around others, and not making that about our whole life, we are saying to the other person that we care about ourselves. For we are to love our neighbor as we love ourself. For did God intend us to look ugly and to not care about ourselves? Well, while God does not want us to be overly concerned with outward beauty like the world thinks, we should not look like bums (if we can't help it), either. Our bodies are the temples of the Holy Ghost. We are servants in representation to the King. We should dress modestly and take care of ourselves.
 
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For did God intend us to look ugly and to not care about ourselves?
Seems to me like the Almighty created women with hairy legs. He don't care one whit if they're shaved or not.

Clean shaven legs on a woman is a cultural thing (mostly to be desirable for men) , a preference, and has nothing to do with the Creator's intent.

Yes, my wife keeps her legs shaved (when she feels like it).........but if she suddenly decided to stop shaving them, it would not affect our marriage a bit.
 
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tall73

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When we care about the way we look around others, and not making that about our whole life, we are saying to the other person that we care about ourselves. For we are to love our neighbor as we love ourself. For did God intend us to look ugly and to not care about ourselves? Well, while God does not want us to be overly concerned with outward beauty like the world thinks, we should not look like bums (if we can't help it), either. Our bodies are the temples of the Holy Ghost. We are servants in representation to the King. We should dress modestly and take care of ourselves.

Since shaving of legs is a cultural thing, some being fine with it, some not, it is not a matter of being ugly or not. And I don't think most folks would know or care whether she shaves her legs.

This is more of an issue just between the two of them and the dynamics of their marriage. She is not neglecting herself.
 
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