My wife and I are incompatible

[dysert]

That makes sense. Depression will colour everything differently for you. My only other comment about that is it might help to work through some of this stuff with a psych? See if they have any helpful suggestions which take the depression into account.

I see a psychiatrist regularly, and I spent thousands of $$ on a therapist until she moved to another state. I've accepted this part of myself and am glad to be "content" with my illness. I'm light years ahead of where I used to be!

 

[RedPonyDriver]

@dysert I am much like you. I live inside my head most of the time. Like right now...hubby is laying on the couch watching ESPN post-game and I'm over here typing away on my laptop. Now, honestly, I love my husband more than I could ever put into words, even though we are two VERY different people, and I mean VERY different. I was rather ambitious (not anymore, I'm retired completely now), he sorta just goes along with the flow. He's MUCH more emotional than I am, you have to work pretty hard to get much of a reaction out of me. But, we're perfectly suited to each other. He's Mr. Social, very involved at church, parking lot security, men's group, has a whole bunch of stuff going on, has a nice side business going doing custom carpentry. I'm friends with just a few people, don't go out much, don't like being in large groups. But, I go places and do things because I know he wants to do them and his happiness is important to me. He puts up with my silence and geeky interests because my happiness is important to him.

Since I was in a car accident last spring and got hurt pretty badly, he has taken care of me, driven me to every doctor's appointment, physical therapy appointment, has never given me one bit of grief about not wanting to drive anymore (I got sideswiped at 45 MPH by some dumb broad who claimed she didn't see or hear my race red Mustang). My car was fixed good as new, but it's uncomfortable for me to drive anymore due to the injuries.

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a real conversation. I really can't see throwing away 38 years of marriage claiming "incompatibility". I'd buy that after a short dating period and shotgun marriage but not after a 6 year courtship and 38 years of marriage.

 

[dysert]

@dysert I am much like you. I live inside my head most of the time. Like right now...hubby is laying on the couch watching ESPN post-game and I'm over here typing away on my laptop. Now, honestly, I love my husband more than I could ever put into words, even though we are two VERY different people, and I mean VERY different. I was rather ambitious (not anymore, I'm retired completely now), he sorta just goes along with the flow. He's MUCH more emotional than I am, you have to work pretty hard to get much of a reaction out of me. But, we're perfectly suited to each other. He's Mr. Social, very involved at church, parking lot security, men's group, has a whole bunch of stuff going on, has a nice side business going doing custom carpentry. I'm friends with just a few people, don't go out much, don't like being in large groups. But, I go places and do things because I know he wants to do them and his happiness is important to me. He puts up with my silence and geeky interests because my happiness is important to him.

Since I was in a car accident last spring and got hurt pretty badly, he has taken care of me, driven me to every doctor's appointment, physical therapy appointment, has never given me one bit of grief about not wanting to drive anymore (I got sideswiped at 45 MPH by some dumb broad who claimed she didn't see or hear my race red Mustang). My car was fixed good as new, but it's uncomfortable for me to drive anymore due to the injuries.

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a real conversation. I really can't see throwing away 38 years of marriage claiming "incompatibility". I'd buy that after a short dating period and shotgun marriage but not after a 6 year courtship and 38 years of marriage.

Sorry to hear about your Mustang . I had a red Mustang convertible too. I'm still very fond of those cars. Thanks for the reply.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

I appreciate all your replies, and I'm glad to hear from a female representative . Oddly enough, just today our pastor started a series on *relationships* of all things. He said the first thing to focus on is KNOWING. Communicating with each other so that we know each other better. I can do that, but it does take two to tango. Somehow she has to get over her fear of being hurt yet again and open up to me. The thing is, I can't guarantee that I won't hurt her again :-(.

Love her. It is that simple. It's not complicated. Do extra things so as to show you love her. Do tasks around home that you normally don't do; Or surprise her with something like a ring, or that new dresser she always wanted (that takes effort on your part to build). Romance her. Love her. Talk to her in love and tell her how beautiful she is. Tell her you love her and just hold and kiss her. Write her a love letter. Do things that are unusually romantic. Tell her how important she is to you. Buy her flowers. Go on walks with her and hold her hand and talk about good times you two had.

I recommend this book for starters:

https://www.amazon.com/Light-Her-Fire-Passion-Excitement/dp/0440212499

Think and write down things you can do together and just do them one day at a time.
If things are not going the way you like, then forgive her, and just love. Love her. Love her. Love her. Love her as Christ loves the church.

One more time. The solution and key to your success her is to love her. Go the extra mile in loving her. No pain and no gain. Love is not always easy, but when you work at loving as being a natural part of your being in who you are by the power of Jesus working in you, then you will amaze people around you (including your wife). But it takes action. Love in words and in thought alone is not enough. We have to also love by what we do. So love her, my friend. Sit and listen to what she says. Ask about her day and what is on her mind. Truly be inerested and care about her. Listen to her with eager excitement. After you are done listening to her. Smiles and kiss her (or at least on the cheek if your relationship is not there yet).

So love, my friend.
For it doesn't get any better than love.
For God is love.

 

[Foxfyre]

He said he likes things like ping pong. Do you mean "competing" in a almost malicious way (not in a sport kind of way)?

I recommend something the couple can do together that doesn't involve win/lose. It should be something both love doing and enjoy having company to share it with when it is done--a win/win kind of thing. Something more tangible and emotionally and spiritually engaging than a ping pong game.

And Jason gave some excellent advice there too. If he treats her as if she was the love of his life and lets her know she is appreciated and respected, that can bring out the very best in another person and it doesn't take long for 'going through the motions' to become emotion.

 

[RDKirk]

I recommend something the couple can do together that doesn't involve win/lose. It should be something both love doing and enjoy having company to share it with when it is done--a win/win kind of thing. Something more tangible and emotionally and spiritually engaging than a ping pong game.

It sounds like you're counting giving something up for someone you love a "loss."

 

[Foxfyre]

It sounds like you're counting giving something up for someone you love a "loss."

Maybe that's what it sounds like to you, but that certainly is not what I said.

 

[RDKirk]

Maybe that's what it sounds like to you, but that certainly is not what I said.

You were the one using "win/lose" language in response to people talking about a husband doing things for his wife.

 

[Foxfyre]

You were the one using "win/lose" language in response to people talking about a husband doing things for his wife.

I wasn't commenting on a husband doing things for his wife. I was expressing a concept of a husband doing things WITH his wife. Big difference.

 

[RDKirk]

I wasn't commenting on a husband doing things for his wife. I was expressing a concept of a husband doing things WITH his wife. Big difference.

If you say so.

However, we're talking about "incompatibility" here which means there are no such things, at least not without one or both parties yielding to do things that are not naturally in their own natures.

 

[mkgal1]

You were the one using "win/lose" language in response to people talking about a husband doing things for his wife.

I believe the win/lose language came up because I asked what was meant by "not competing with each other"....and then asked about ping pong. It wasn't a general reference.