- Aug 23, 2022
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Hello everyone, this my first post. I came specifically here for healing and to not only lay bare my personal struggles concerning this but also to help encourage others to not give up fighting the temptation to do what is out of bounds in God’s kingdom.
I am 36, happily married since I turned 19, of which I stepped in for my oldest children whom are adults now. Had two children together not long after, for all of this I am incredibly grateful. It is true that I am unequally yoked with my wife, myself taking the matters of The Lord more seriously, but I am doing my best to help unify the family under Christ.
The teachers in of The Word that I have learned from and still am learning from are Alistair Begg, Chuck Swindoll, Tony Evans, and John Barnett. They have been crucial in my walk, my fight, and the renewal of my spirit. I am also seeking a new church home.
I am a work of progress in The Lord and still stumble in the area of inappropriate contentography addiction privately that I wrongfully attributed to this desire to this day. Even if they are only digital paintings and renderings without nudity, not even images of real women, it is still extra-marital. I am not seeking universalistic rationality as to why I should embrace this part of my life, if it works against The Lord’s marriage bed, it is sin unto me. I have rationalized much in the past about this only to find myself distant from the Lord in shame.
Fetishes, unfulfilled sexual desires, and paraphilias such as this one are a serious topic of spiritual stress for many people who choose to follow Christ. These things can begin to form benignly very early into childhood often with little explanation as to why (in my case), only to manifest more vividly in adolesence. They can fuel deep-seated inappropriate contentography addictions and can lead to isolation/hopelessness if left unaddressed without Christ’s truth for guidance.
This will be a long post as my story is fairly complicated. In contrast, however, the solution will always be clear and simple as hard as it may seem:
If it is not in the plan for the marriage bed, pray to the Lord for forgiveness when you stumble, pray to the Lord to guide you as you resist temptation. As much as it grievously STRAINS against your heart and will to not feed your fleshly desires, don’t give in, He will grant you self-control if you truly want to do good works through Him.
To those who have suffered similarly as I have, remember, you are not a freak or a failure. God loves you, and if you have called upon Him to be saved, with faith and patience He will heal your spiritual wounds.
I will do my best to organize my thoughts on this, this will be very long, I'm sorry to say:
- - -
What is Macrophilia?
It is a sexual attraction to a exaggerated size-difference between oneself and the person one desires. This could be satisfied physically with a noticeably taller or shorter partner, or perhaps an equally taller than average partner. This is not exclusive to physical compatibility, as this works with partners who are eager to use their imagination, detailing out scenarios of eachother being proportionally larger or smaller in any range of fantastical ratios. This is typically a male fantasy, but women do also exist that also have this attribute
Question: With with spouse whom is open or also seeking this, is this within the grounds of what is God's marital design? I have asked myself this. If both husband and wife share this in willing agreement in their union only, would it not fit the guidelines laid out? From what I understand that would suffice as a spice to romance, but I could be proven mistaken. I never had the opportunity to engage in this fashion, as this has been unavailable in my marriage.
In Addition: This often presents with an additional attraction (but not always) to a certain area of the body. In my case, that would be a woman’s feet, which is something I have an equally potent passion for.
—-
How Did This Start?
I really do not know. A possibility is that the trauma of my mother leaving my father and I on my 6th birthday had done something psychological to me. Although, I did not bear that grief for a long period of time, as it was that my grandmother had raised me like a mother in her place. What I do know, as long as I can remember anything media depicting a woman appearing larger than her surroundings or another person was especially interesting for reasons unknown when I was a young boy. I always paid awe and respect to my female teachers, and despite being tall for my age, found the rare girl classmate taller than myself to be a crush of mine. Not until I became a teenager did any of this present itself as sexual.
— - -
The Problem Of Adolesence:
Up to this point I have always been outgoing and sociable, but underneath had low-self esteem, I never liked entertaining my ego. Even to this day I struggle to accept compliments, as I don’t believe in myself as I should. Even though my grandparents raised me, I did not have a very structured childhood and therefore never knew The Lord. No church, no sports. Lots of knowledge seeking in books, anime, and video games however. Having ad-hd made me an awful student.
So I was a pretty tall and reasonably good looking guy as a teenager but had no idea how to talk to or appeal to girls. It was also then I was old enough to live with my father, who worked most of the time. A great dad to me, but was pretty tied up most of the time.
This allowed me to have unlimited access to the internet. A truly regretful thing, as a questing mind like mine inevitably hit the landmine of adult fetish-based websites and forums. What was once a peculiar fascination as a boy turned into a non-stop dopamine rush of size-change content. To the outside world, most of this wasn’t even nudity or sex, but the size-based or barefoot nature the stories and images of it had an effect on me as though it was. This ended up consuming my online life to the point I even distanced myself from my normal online friends.
In highschool, one wouldn’t be able to tell that I was addled by the scratching need for another fix on the internet, but I was. I hung out with metal-heads and the goth girls. I liked some of the goth girls, but made no attempt to ask them out. THAT, in hindsight was what robbed me most, because my already lack of confidence in having a REAL relationship with a girl I found attractive was so low it was then impossible because of my new bad internet habits. If only I knew then what I know now, I could have had a healthy relationship with the smart Christian girl I had a crush on that I shared a lot of normal interests with. I was an anti-theist like Dawkins back then and I used to argue with her as sort of a tease, it was her conviction that truly made her special to me. Quite short compared to the taller girls I always had in mind, but had a dominant personality that could have been a positive change in my life.
Maybe in another timeline, she could have taught me sooner to live for Christ. Maybe I could have married her and perhaps she could have brought peace to my unique attraction. Such speculation is folly, of course, but I have had such thoughts in my darkest hours of remorse.
If only I had control and had a more mature outlook on life like she did, and was most open and honest with myself… It really was my thoughts of what she tried to convince me about Jesus after I quit highschool that convinced me to get saved while watching tele-evangelists while depressed. My grandmother had died from cancer a few months before, my dad moved out of his house, and I volunteered to watch my grandparent’s home while my grandfather was dying. That time really changed my life.
—-
Meeting My Wife and Going to Baptist Church
I was saved, as I genuinely called out for The Lord to save me in prayer, but I was ignorant of how to live a Godly life early on. It was then I was already working at Wal-Mart and not long after I met my now wife. I was more confident in talking to women in this time and found we had common interests. After a year, we became good friends and I learned more about her awful life as a single mother, having her first two children as a teenager.
My wife is 6 years older than me, had a similar metal/goth background, and I liked that she was more mature than most girls my age and seemed genuinly interested in me. At this point I was 19 and moved out of my room-mates apartment because his girlfriend approached me for her to cheat on him. As attractive and rocker-style she was, I couldn’t bear the idea of betraying my friend.
Being effectively homeless, I offered to date my wife and I started coming to her apartment more often. I found that her mother had been truly cruel to her and thought to myself that she needed a man to get her and the kids away from this situation.
So, I stayed there to support her and the kids, despite her mom being evil towards her. In the same time-frame I was taking our oldest daughter to the bus ministry of the baptist church in the town over. It was there I was baptised and started to listen to Moody Bible Radio. My wife, however, did not like going because this particular church had a dress-only dress code and the women were notorious gossips.
Not once had I had sex with my wife until we got married a year later. As attractive as she was I did not marry her to specifically satisfy my unique fulfillments I loved and cared for her. She simply wasn’t into my unique desires it turned out. Not her fault. Her feet were permanently scarred and cracked from being neglected by her mother to walk on burning asphalt without shoes as a little girl. This also did not turn me away from my commitment, even as it pained me as much it pained her. I married her because it was to me the greatest good thing I could do for her and the kids. After saving money, we rented a house to get her and the kids away from her mom.
—-
Raising A Family, Yet Unfulfilled, But Learning To Do What Is Right
We have stayed at this rental for years, had our second youngest. My secret addiction to mature size-change content had remained mostly a constant and my wife’s social anxiety made it difficult to remain going to church in a serious fashion. It had been discouraging that I had no way to channel these desires in a way that was not sin in the marriage bed, even as my wife had already told me that it does not bother her that I pursue these things. Part of me rationalized that her liberal way of looking at this subject should be liberating, while the other condemned my behavior and I am too sick to even pray to god for what I am doing.
This had continued on and on for years and years. Yes having a happy life for the most part, but a shadow of sin and judgement cast over me. Shame being Satan’s favored weapon to separate me from The Lord. I had spent many nights with tears in my eyes begging God to take this affliction of no value to Him away. Wondering why I of all people would continously desire something unrequited and therefore sin to me, with seemingly no way to channel it to something productive.
Something about 2016 and the birth of my daughter changed these bad habits over time. I wanted to protect my daughter’s innocence from this world and also recover mine. I began listening to bible study again, met my best friend in Christ, encouraging me to stand strong. I began indulging my addiction less often, wanting to be awake and aware of what I am doing for my family, to not greive the spirit of The Lord. I learned not to listen to the accuser and pray more often. It started as being a trickle of prayers a year to being more frequent. This trend has continued to the point of which I am here now.
It is my week off and my friend suggested Pastor John Barnett’s Book of Revelations series on Youtube, which has inspired me to be all-in in my walk and have challenged myself to abstain from my fleshly desires for week at a time and beyond.
It is difficult, as it is mentally stressful to hold back something that has such a deep spiritual wound in my life. As one could imagine, because of my foot fetish, summertime is a nightmare. There are multiple visual triggers out and about that causes the macrophilia to act up too. The strain of it still brings tears to my eyes not to indulge, but I know it is worth the effort. To not fall to shame, to not break momentum in The Spirit. I may stumble in some way, but I intend to keep it infrequent and rare. Prayer in the morning, prayer when tempted, prayer when still and all alone with no electronic devices. I understand now that part of what has been haunting me is selfish, holding on to something that had potential to work in a different circumstance before all this happened, but refusing to let go. The opportunity to for me to use these desires lawfully had passed a long time ago it seems. Sort of like still longing for and fantasizing about an ex or a crush, its best just to say goodbye to some things so it doesn’t drag you down. Perhaps with time, God will help me take this unfulfilled desire and help me realize how to use it effectively in my marriage one day.
I really do, however, likely need a Christian psychologist to really work this out properly.
If anyone has advice, I would love to hear it.
I am 36, happily married since I turned 19, of which I stepped in for my oldest children whom are adults now. Had two children together not long after, for all of this I am incredibly grateful. It is true that I am unequally yoked with my wife, myself taking the matters of The Lord more seriously, but I am doing my best to help unify the family under Christ.
The teachers in of The Word that I have learned from and still am learning from are Alistair Begg, Chuck Swindoll, Tony Evans, and John Barnett. They have been crucial in my walk, my fight, and the renewal of my spirit. I am also seeking a new church home.
I am a work of progress in The Lord and still stumble in the area of inappropriate contentography addiction privately that I wrongfully attributed to this desire to this day. Even if they are only digital paintings and renderings without nudity, not even images of real women, it is still extra-marital. I am not seeking universalistic rationality as to why I should embrace this part of my life, if it works against The Lord’s marriage bed, it is sin unto me. I have rationalized much in the past about this only to find myself distant from the Lord in shame.
Fetishes, unfulfilled sexual desires, and paraphilias such as this one are a serious topic of spiritual stress for many people who choose to follow Christ. These things can begin to form benignly very early into childhood often with little explanation as to why (in my case), only to manifest more vividly in adolesence. They can fuel deep-seated inappropriate contentography addictions and can lead to isolation/hopelessness if left unaddressed without Christ’s truth for guidance.
This will be a long post as my story is fairly complicated. In contrast, however, the solution will always be clear and simple as hard as it may seem:
If it is not in the plan for the marriage bed, pray to the Lord for forgiveness when you stumble, pray to the Lord to guide you as you resist temptation. As much as it grievously STRAINS against your heart and will to not feed your fleshly desires, don’t give in, He will grant you self-control if you truly want to do good works through Him.
To those who have suffered similarly as I have, remember, you are not a freak or a failure. God loves you, and if you have called upon Him to be saved, with faith and patience He will heal your spiritual wounds.
I will do my best to organize my thoughts on this, this will be very long, I'm sorry to say:
- - -
What is Macrophilia?
It is a sexual attraction to a exaggerated size-difference between oneself and the person one desires. This could be satisfied physically with a noticeably taller or shorter partner, or perhaps an equally taller than average partner. This is not exclusive to physical compatibility, as this works with partners who are eager to use their imagination, detailing out scenarios of eachother being proportionally larger or smaller in any range of fantastical ratios. This is typically a male fantasy, but women do also exist that also have this attribute
Question: With with spouse whom is open or also seeking this, is this within the grounds of what is God's marital design? I have asked myself this. If both husband and wife share this in willing agreement in their union only, would it not fit the guidelines laid out? From what I understand that would suffice as a spice to romance, but I could be proven mistaken. I never had the opportunity to engage in this fashion, as this has been unavailable in my marriage.
In Addition: This often presents with an additional attraction (but not always) to a certain area of the body. In my case, that would be a woman’s feet, which is something I have an equally potent passion for.
—-
How Did This Start?
I really do not know. A possibility is that the trauma of my mother leaving my father and I on my 6th birthday had done something psychological to me. Although, I did not bear that grief for a long period of time, as it was that my grandmother had raised me like a mother in her place. What I do know, as long as I can remember anything media depicting a woman appearing larger than her surroundings or another person was especially interesting for reasons unknown when I was a young boy. I always paid awe and respect to my female teachers, and despite being tall for my age, found the rare girl classmate taller than myself to be a crush of mine. Not until I became a teenager did any of this present itself as sexual.
— - -
The Problem Of Adolesence:
Up to this point I have always been outgoing and sociable, but underneath had low-self esteem, I never liked entertaining my ego. Even to this day I struggle to accept compliments, as I don’t believe in myself as I should. Even though my grandparents raised me, I did not have a very structured childhood and therefore never knew The Lord. No church, no sports. Lots of knowledge seeking in books, anime, and video games however. Having ad-hd made me an awful student.
So I was a pretty tall and reasonably good looking guy as a teenager but had no idea how to talk to or appeal to girls. It was also then I was old enough to live with my father, who worked most of the time. A great dad to me, but was pretty tied up most of the time.
This allowed me to have unlimited access to the internet. A truly regretful thing, as a questing mind like mine inevitably hit the landmine of adult fetish-based websites and forums. What was once a peculiar fascination as a boy turned into a non-stop dopamine rush of size-change content. To the outside world, most of this wasn’t even nudity or sex, but the size-based or barefoot nature the stories and images of it had an effect on me as though it was. This ended up consuming my online life to the point I even distanced myself from my normal online friends.
In highschool, one wouldn’t be able to tell that I was addled by the scratching need for another fix on the internet, but I was. I hung out with metal-heads and the goth girls. I liked some of the goth girls, but made no attempt to ask them out. THAT, in hindsight was what robbed me most, because my already lack of confidence in having a REAL relationship with a girl I found attractive was so low it was then impossible because of my new bad internet habits. If only I knew then what I know now, I could have had a healthy relationship with the smart Christian girl I had a crush on that I shared a lot of normal interests with. I was an anti-theist like Dawkins back then and I used to argue with her as sort of a tease, it was her conviction that truly made her special to me. Quite short compared to the taller girls I always had in mind, but had a dominant personality that could have been a positive change in my life.
Maybe in another timeline, she could have taught me sooner to live for Christ. Maybe I could have married her and perhaps she could have brought peace to my unique attraction. Such speculation is folly, of course, but I have had such thoughts in my darkest hours of remorse.
If only I had control and had a more mature outlook on life like she did, and was most open and honest with myself… It really was my thoughts of what she tried to convince me about Jesus after I quit highschool that convinced me to get saved while watching tele-evangelists while depressed. My grandmother had died from cancer a few months before, my dad moved out of his house, and I volunteered to watch my grandparent’s home while my grandfather was dying. That time really changed my life.
—-
Meeting My Wife and Going to Baptist Church
I was saved, as I genuinely called out for The Lord to save me in prayer, but I was ignorant of how to live a Godly life early on. It was then I was already working at Wal-Mart and not long after I met my now wife. I was more confident in talking to women in this time and found we had common interests. After a year, we became good friends and I learned more about her awful life as a single mother, having her first two children as a teenager.
My wife is 6 years older than me, had a similar metal/goth background, and I liked that she was more mature than most girls my age and seemed genuinly interested in me. At this point I was 19 and moved out of my room-mates apartment because his girlfriend approached me for her to cheat on him. As attractive and rocker-style she was, I couldn’t bear the idea of betraying my friend.
Being effectively homeless, I offered to date my wife and I started coming to her apartment more often. I found that her mother had been truly cruel to her and thought to myself that she needed a man to get her and the kids away from this situation.
So, I stayed there to support her and the kids, despite her mom being evil towards her. In the same time-frame I was taking our oldest daughter to the bus ministry of the baptist church in the town over. It was there I was baptised and started to listen to Moody Bible Radio. My wife, however, did not like going because this particular church had a dress-only dress code and the women were notorious gossips.
Not once had I had sex with my wife until we got married a year later. As attractive as she was I did not marry her to specifically satisfy my unique fulfillments I loved and cared for her. She simply wasn’t into my unique desires it turned out. Not her fault. Her feet were permanently scarred and cracked from being neglected by her mother to walk on burning asphalt without shoes as a little girl. This also did not turn me away from my commitment, even as it pained me as much it pained her. I married her because it was to me the greatest good thing I could do for her and the kids. After saving money, we rented a house to get her and the kids away from her mom.
—-
Raising A Family, Yet Unfulfilled, But Learning To Do What Is Right
We have stayed at this rental for years, had our second youngest. My secret addiction to mature size-change content had remained mostly a constant and my wife’s social anxiety made it difficult to remain going to church in a serious fashion. It had been discouraging that I had no way to channel these desires in a way that was not sin in the marriage bed, even as my wife had already told me that it does not bother her that I pursue these things. Part of me rationalized that her liberal way of looking at this subject should be liberating, while the other condemned my behavior and I am too sick to even pray to god for what I am doing.
This had continued on and on for years and years. Yes having a happy life for the most part, but a shadow of sin and judgement cast over me. Shame being Satan’s favored weapon to separate me from The Lord. I had spent many nights with tears in my eyes begging God to take this affliction of no value to Him away. Wondering why I of all people would continously desire something unrequited and therefore sin to me, with seemingly no way to channel it to something productive.
Something about 2016 and the birth of my daughter changed these bad habits over time. I wanted to protect my daughter’s innocence from this world and also recover mine. I began listening to bible study again, met my best friend in Christ, encouraging me to stand strong. I began indulging my addiction less often, wanting to be awake and aware of what I am doing for my family, to not greive the spirit of The Lord. I learned not to listen to the accuser and pray more often. It started as being a trickle of prayers a year to being more frequent. This trend has continued to the point of which I am here now.
It is my week off and my friend suggested Pastor John Barnett’s Book of Revelations series on Youtube, which has inspired me to be all-in in my walk and have challenged myself to abstain from my fleshly desires for week at a time and beyond.
It is difficult, as it is mentally stressful to hold back something that has such a deep spiritual wound in my life. As one could imagine, because of my foot fetish, summertime is a nightmare. There are multiple visual triggers out and about that causes the macrophilia to act up too. The strain of it still brings tears to my eyes not to indulge, but I know it is worth the effort. To not fall to shame, to not break momentum in The Spirit. I may stumble in some way, but I intend to keep it infrequent and rare. Prayer in the morning, prayer when tempted, prayer when still and all alone with no electronic devices. I understand now that part of what has been haunting me is selfish, holding on to something that had potential to work in a different circumstance before all this happened, but refusing to let go. The opportunity to for me to use these desires lawfully had passed a long time ago it seems. Sort of like still longing for and fantasizing about an ex or a crush, its best just to say goodbye to some things so it doesn’t drag you down. Perhaps with time, God will help me take this unfulfilled desire and help me realize how to use it effectively in my marriage one day.
I really do, however, likely need a Christian psychologist to really work this out properly.
If anyone has advice, I would love to hear it.
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