- Feb 25, 2006
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Hi everyone, i've been thinking about sharing my testimony. Only a few people have heard my entire testimony -- usually only share the main part of it, but, been feeling like i wanted to get it all out and share this w/ more then a couple of people, so, here we go. I've never formed my testimony into words online so, am not sure how long this will really be, but, please bare w/ me. I'm gonna give a little background info too though bc there's no way for me to really start when it all first happened.
I grew up in a christian home, church and school my entire life, however, i was never a christian -- didn't care, didn't want anything to do w/ God. I lived my life the way i wanted to and for me, it was good. I had grad highschool and had just started college and at the time, I was attending a church youth group. At that time, i was only at youth group for the food, games and fellowship and outings -- i didn't care about the message or God at that time either.
However, 1 night, changed everything for me n to this day, i still don't understand it all. It was at youth group, we were all sitting in a big room and the youth pastor was speaking -- the topic of the night was the rapture -- that was my most feared/hated topic and as soon as he opened his bible n started speaking on it, all of a sudden, i felt this thing inside of me -- it was a trembling sensation where my whole body just felt really scared and my stomach was churning and i left the room and hid in the bathroom for a little while. I did whatever i could do to make that fear/trembling feeling disappear, but, it never went away. At the time, I had no idea what caused it and I was afraid to talk to anyone but, it was then (well, 2 weeks afterwards) that started me on my journey to "Find God".
I remember after youth group was over, that fear/trembling sensation never left me -- it actually stayed w/ me for a good 4-5 years. I learned how to become a good liar and pretend everything was ok, but, inside, i was hurting so badly. God had found me that youth group night and forced me on this journey i believe. I remember coming home that night, going to bed, not knowing what was happening to me -- i didn't pray or anything like that, however, i was thinking of, what's my next step? I must've waited a few months while constantly dealing w/ those disturbing feelings and not telling anyone -- but, at church the one sunday, they had this guest speaker and his message really spoke to me and he said he worked w/ teens a lot so, i figured i'd email him and i did. I wasn't yet a christian though. Inside of me during those first few months, i felt very needy, like i just wanted to grab a hold of someone n never let go. This pastor i was speaking to, challenged me to speak to someone that i knew n trusted bout what i was goin thru and at the time, i still wasn't 100% sure if it really had to do w/ God or what bc this pastor couldn't understand those feelings i was feeling even tho they appeared outta nowhere.
Anyways, i decided to take the pastor up on his challenge and i decided to speak to my favorite highschool teacher at the time bc he was one of the few that i knew and trusted w/ my life. That teacher sat me down for about 2 hours and just spoke to me -- really listened and gave feedback -- it really helped -- i told him that i hadn't accepted christ yet and he offered that option to me but, i said i wasn't ready for that yet but he prayed for me n told me to come back the following week so he could continue helping/mentoring me in this n in other areas of my life.
I remember goin thru a really rough patch where again that fear/trembling was constantly w/ me but, i began to listen to christian music -- not worship music but rock music, and i came across this one CD by the group Audio Adrenaline -- and listened to the entire CD -- this was their Live CD and one song on that album just jumped out at me and for one entire afternoon, i just kept listening to that song over and over again -- the song was called Rest Easy. Well, that afternoon, i was super depressed -- i was really really struggling w/ what i was dealing w/ n what was goin on. A friend online asked me if i wanted to accept christ and i said ok -- so, he told me what to say, and while i was still listening to that song, I accepted christ into my heart.
Now, things didn't get any easier after that point -- I had accepted christ about 2 - 3 months After this whole thing happened w/ youth group. After I accepted christ into my heart that one evening, that fear/trembling feeling did NOT go away -- it was there for a good 3-4 years, however, later on, the "feeling" was mixed w/ feelings of deep peace and when the peace went away, this fear thing came back. I can't explain it and no one can understand it. However, I was deeply struggling w/ a spiritual battle for about 11 years before things started to level off and started getting better. I was suicidal -- very suicidal sometimes where i just felt like driving my car off a cliff so i wouldn't have to deal w/ all those feelings anymore -- it was too much for me to handle. I attempted suicide a couple of times bc all that was goin on just made me so depressed -- i had always loved listening to heavy metal but the times when things just go too difficult, i really turned to listening to the really bad bands and they seemed to help bring me through.
Oh, i forgot one thing -- after becoming a christian to that audio adrenaline song, the following fall, I went to see Audio Adrenaline perform live at six flags great adventure n i had a back stage pass so, I got to speak to the lead singer Mark and the bass player Will and they must've spoken to me for a good 2 hours or close to that -- i was shocked at how caring/concerened they were. I don't remember if it was at that time or a diff time when i saw them, but, Mark gave me his email address n told me to email him anytime and i did and what was cool, sometimes he actually emailed me back even tho he was super busy. I probably clung onto Mark a little too much -- bc whenever i was able to see them in concert, I'd ask Mark if i could talk to him -- now i feel stupid about what i put him thru -- he didn't have to help me or listen to me all those times, however, he did and for that, i am thankful -- Mark esp helped me out in my christian journey.
I could go on n on but, its too long as it is -- i've had more downs then ups in the last 12 yrs spiritually but, i have to thank several people for helping me out in my journey -- i had 2 professors that stood by me in school that helped me out -- only 1 of those professors ever knew i was suicidal, another guy that helped me out Tremendously was my mentor at my college -- he not only helped me out w/ spiritual stuff, but, also my emotional baggage and many other things -- he mentored me at school for 1 year and after he left, he sorta mentored me thru email for another 2-3 yrs. Another person was my high school teacher. That 1 first pastor was awesome and a youth pastor at my church at the time -- i think he stayed by my side for about 4-5 years -- i kicked his butt too bc i emailed this pastor sometimes 3 times a day EVERYDAY -- how he put up w/ me i'll never know but, am super SUPER thankful for him -- if it wasn't for that youth pastor and his patience and understanding towards me, like if he ever ignored my emails or what not, i prob wouldn't be where i am now. God placed lots of people in my life to help me out. There's actually more people then whom i mentioned, however, these were the main people in my life during those 11 yrs that really stuck out in my mind n who really helped me out tons.
I still don't truly understand what happened on that day in Jan at youth group when that youth pastor was speaking about the rapture. I don't understand where that feeling came from and why it stayed w/ me for all those years and when it finally left, it felt like i lost a part of me bc i had grown so accustomed to it but, many times God fed me thru my feelings -- he gave me his DEEP PEACE often -- many times i asked for it and he also gave it to me sometimes when i didn't ask for it -- that peace just put me in a relaxed state of mind and i was at peace.
sorry, i'm gonna stop now but, if anyone has any thoughts/questions or possibly advice, i'm willing to hear it.
I grew up in a christian home, church and school my entire life, however, i was never a christian -- didn't care, didn't want anything to do w/ God. I lived my life the way i wanted to and for me, it was good. I had grad highschool and had just started college and at the time, I was attending a church youth group. At that time, i was only at youth group for the food, games and fellowship and outings -- i didn't care about the message or God at that time either.
However, 1 night, changed everything for me n to this day, i still don't understand it all. It was at youth group, we were all sitting in a big room and the youth pastor was speaking -- the topic of the night was the rapture -- that was my most feared/hated topic and as soon as he opened his bible n started speaking on it, all of a sudden, i felt this thing inside of me -- it was a trembling sensation where my whole body just felt really scared and my stomach was churning and i left the room and hid in the bathroom for a little while. I did whatever i could do to make that fear/trembling feeling disappear, but, it never went away. At the time, I had no idea what caused it and I was afraid to talk to anyone but, it was then (well, 2 weeks afterwards) that started me on my journey to "Find God".
I remember after youth group was over, that fear/trembling sensation never left me -- it actually stayed w/ me for a good 4-5 years. I learned how to become a good liar and pretend everything was ok, but, inside, i was hurting so badly. God had found me that youth group night and forced me on this journey i believe. I remember coming home that night, going to bed, not knowing what was happening to me -- i didn't pray or anything like that, however, i was thinking of, what's my next step? I must've waited a few months while constantly dealing w/ those disturbing feelings and not telling anyone -- but, at church the one sunday, they had this guest speaker and his message really spoke to me and he said he worked w/ teens a lot so, i figured i'd email him and i did. I wasn't yet a christian though. Inside of me during those first few months, i felt very needy, like i just wanted to grab a hold of someone n never let go. This pastor i was speaking to, challenged me to speak to someone that i knew n trusted bout what i was goin thru and at the time, i still wasn't 100% sure if it really had to do w/ God or what bc this pastor couldn't understand those feelings i was feeling even tho they appeared outta nowhere.
Anyways, i decided to take the pastor up on his challenge and i decided to speak to my favorite highschool teacher at the time bc he was one of the few that i knew and trusted w/ my life. That teacher sat me down for about 2 hours and just spoke to me -- really listened and gave feedback -- it really helped -- i told him that i hadn't accepted christ yet and he offered that option to me but, i said i wasn't ready for that yet but he prayed for me n told me to come back the following week so he could continue helping/mentoring me in this n in other areas of my life.
I remember goin thru a really rough patch where again that fear/trembling was constantly w/ me but, i began to listen to christian music -- not worship music but rock music, and i came across this one CD by the group Audio Adrenaline -- and listened to the entire CD -- this was their Live CD and one song on that album just jumped out at me and for one entire afternoon, i just kept listening to that song over and over again -- the song was called Rest Easy. Well, that afternoon, i was super depressed -- i was really really struggling w/ what i was dealing w/ n what was goin on. A friend online asked me if i wanted to accept christ and i said ok -- so, he told me what to say, and while i was still listening to that song, I accepted christ into my heart.
Now, things didn't get any easier after that point -- I had accepted christ about 2 - 3 months After this whole thing happened w/ youth group. After I accepted christ into my heart that one evening, that fear/trembling feeling did NOT go away -- it was there for a good 3-4 years, however, later on, the "feeling" was mixed w/ feelings of deep peace and when the peace went away, this fear thing came back. I can't explain it and no one can understand it. However, I was deeply struggling w/ a spiritual battle for about 11 years before things started to level off and started getting better. I was suicidal -- very suicidal sometimes where i just felt like driving my car off a cliff so i wouldn't have to deal w/ all those feelings anymore -- it was too much for me to handle. I attempted suicide a couple of times bc all that was goin on just made me so depressed -- i had always loved listening to heavy metal but the times when things just go too difficult, i really turned to listening to the really bad bands and they seemed to help bring me through.
Oh, i forgot one thing -- after becoming a christian to that audio adrenaline song, the following fall, I went to see Audio Adrenaline perform live at six flags great adventure n i had a back stage pass so, I got to speak to the lead singer Mark and the bass player Will and they must've spoken to me for a good 2 hours or close to that -- i was shocked at how caring/concerened they were. I don't remember if it was at that time or a diff time when i saw them, but, Mark gave me his email address n told me to email him anytime and i did and what was cool, sometimes he actually emailed me back even tho he was super busy. I probably clung onto Mark a little too much -- bc whenever i was able to see them in concert, I'd ask Mark if i could talk to him -- now i feel stupid about what i put him thru -- he didn't have to help me or listen to me all those times, however, he did and for that, i am thankful -- Mark esp helped me out in my christian journey.
I could go on n on but, its too long as it is -- i've had more downs then ups in the last 12 yrs spiritually but, i have to thank several people for helping me out in my journey -- i had 2 professors that stood by me in school that helped me out -- only 1 of those professors ever knew i was suicidal, another guy that helped me out Tremendously was my mentor at my college -- he not only helped me out w/ spiritual stuff, but, also my emotional baggage and many other things -- he mentored me at school for 1 year and after he left, he sorta mentored me thru email for another 2-3 yrs. Another person was my high school teacher. That 1 first pastor was awesome and a youth pastor at my church at the time -- i think he stayed by my side for about 4-5 years -- i kicked his butt too bc i emailed this pastor sometimes 3 times a day EVERYDAY -- how he put up w/ me i'll never know but, am super SUPER thankful for him -- if it wasn't for that youth pastor and his patience and understanding towards me, like if he ever ignored my emails or what not, i prob wouldn't be where i am now. God placed lots of people in my life to help me out. There's actually more people then whom i mentioned, however, these were the main people in my life during those 11 yrs that really stuck out in my mind n who really helped me out tons.
I still don't truly understand what happened on that day in Jan at youth group when that youth pastor was speaking about the rapture. I don't understand where that feeling came from and why it stayed w/ me for all those years and when it finally left, it felt like i lost a part of me bc i had grown so accustomed to it but, many times God fed me thru my feelings -- he gave me his DEEP PEACE often -- many times i asked for it and he also gave it to me sometimes when i didn't ask for it -- that peace just put me in a relaxed state of mind and i was at peace.
sorry, i'm gonna stop now but, if anyone has any thoughts/questions or possibly advice, i'm willing to hear it.
