My Testimony

[Ruukasu]

It was a year ago. I went to the school's chapel and went to worship. Around 3 days before that I prayed to the Lord to help me stop committing sexual sins. I was a slave to sexual immorality. I decided that instead of just asking for forgiveness everyday after putting bad things before my eyes and touching my members, which are the members of Christ, that I would actually try to stop. I also learned of the verse in Matthew 12 and my friends and I talked about it. We concluded that God would still forgive someone even if they said something, cause if you are sorry, then why wouldn’t God forgive you?

After three days I went into the chapel at school. It was a Wednesday. I went to the balcony and we began to sing. The song, “Yes Lord Yes Lord Yes, Yes Lord was being sung. Then it happened. Horrible blasphemies came into my mind. Out of nowhere. I opened my mouth in shock. (There was a certain man sitting next to me who I mention futher) I ran out of the chapel and to my dorm. I crashed on the floor like the guy who ran to Jesus because of the demons and crashed to his knees before the Lord. I prayed to God in fear and trembling that he would take the evil spirit from me. I was afraid then and there that everyone on campus was saved except me. I took a shower and put worship music in the stereo. It was a struggle to worship in the shower. I was so afraid. I went downstairs and as I looked at all the other Christians on campus, I felt that I was left out. I knew I couldn’t fight this problem by myself. (I usually like to do everything by myself) I told the campus pastor I would like to talk to him as soon as possible. He couldn’t see me until Friday.

On Friday I confessed past sins, even the sin when I spoke blasphemies against Jesus in high school, a sin I have since forgotten as of now . In high school I spoke against Jesus in frustration because I was giving into to sexual immorality. So then, since the other blasphemies were in my head I was really afraid. He told me that the armor of God has something called the helmet of salvation. Then I felt comforted. I began to pray a lot more. Every time I would have a bad thought.

Then new fears began. No longer was a fearing blasphemy, I began having other thoughts of testing, (that’s how it felt when it happened) and a few nightmares. I kept praying. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. Then I feared that something might possess me. Once I conquered one fear another arose.

The pastor of the school sent me to the clinic of our school. I met a studying psychologist. After many talks he mentioned that I might have obsessive compulsive disorder because I prayed so much. I began researching. Ever since three days before “it” happened I was abstaining from sexual immorality. It was by no means easy. I turned on worship music from friends that they let me borrow at night. I griped my Bible and prayed that God would help me and that I could resist opening the internet on my computer.

I fell in love with my favorite music artist Jason Morant. He was my out. The out God supplies in troubles. He really is. Jason Morant, look him up. The album Abandon.

I researched OCD online. I amazed that I found so many other sufferers. I read and read and read. Chemical imbalance, serotonin uptake inhibitors…I couldn’t comprehend. I began reading scripture for help, a lot. (This is a something important as I will mention it again later) and one stood out to me the most:

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (KJV)

A sound mind? I knew right there that God’s word can not be broken. I had a sound mind but didn’t feel that way at all.

I began researching more, visiting the pastor more, and the psychologist. The problem got worse. I began praying while walking and thinking horrible thoughts. You know how it is. I was scared everyday. Yet, all this went on while I was going to school, working, etc.

Then it got really bad. I really couldn’t move and was doing so many compulsions that I was backtracking all day. I went to the pastor and he took me to the school nurse. Then the blasphemies filled my mind really bad. I was rocking and restraining from saying the wrong words. The nurse and the pastor recommended that I go to the hospital. Feelings of pride to say no, blasphemies I disagreed with, and heavy pressure was in my head until I said I would go. There was a little relief. An intrusive that happened outside the hospital on my way in with my friend and the pastor. I felt I had to do a compulsion. But they told me I didn’t. They kept me in the hospital 3 days. I am telling you, this is the worse thing for people with OCD. You put an OCD person in the hospital and all they do is think about there OCD. I was the worst inside the hospital, but I think God wanted me in there to learn something. So I shouldn’t get mad if He wanted me in there!

I was let out and was told to take fluoxetine. My friend found out about my OCD and helped me A LOT. He was like and angel disguised as my friend until he knew my problems. He helped me so much, the others did too.

Then I noticed that the blasphemy got worse when the side effects of the medicine kicked in. In other words, at some point in the day I got grumpy, and being grumpy with bad thoughts isn’t fun. I stopped taking the pills without telling anybody. Then my friend found out. Then I kept running to him and my other friend to make sure I was still saved. I also kept running to Christ.

After five weeks I tried a new pill. I didn’t like it. It was horrible. I felt drugged. I couldn’t do it. I thought I had to swallow my pride and take the pill.

Now for the real help. I remembered that my pastor mentioned generational sin and inheritance. I sought help online about generational sins. I said a very special prayer that helped me so much. It was asking for forgiveness for the sins of my family and myself, especially the ones that were similar: sexual immorality. I was still abstaining from my own lust but I never prayed for freedom from generational bondage. I used this website and began reading on spiritual warefare:

sw-mins.org
Then I realized the demon in my life. The demon of OCD. I told my friends. They didn’t necessarily believe me but they also considered. I began to read about spiritual warefare on that website. I also met a friend with the same problem I had, then I saw that he too was doing certain sins he shouldn’t be doing. I no longer thought the chemical imbalance was necessarily something causeed on its own. How could I get OCD in a day? The day it happened? The day in the chapel?

Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

I compared it to the unwanted thoughts. ‘Inrusive’? “That’s not me, that’s my ocd”? What is it, if it is not me? The nightmares, the testing, it made sense to me. There were no examples of mental illness in the Bible for me to see. Jesus casted out demons. Paul’s thorn, the king who found relief when David played the harp, the man who cut himself and crashed at Jesus’ feet. There was something I didn’t know. Why did this happen after I gave up sexual immorality? I kept thinking that if I went back I would get better because early on, that’s what the demon wanted. I never agreed with that notion .

Then this is what really taught me something, the man who was sitting next to me that day in chapel it started had the same problem for the last 20 years. I found out this from my friend who had the same problem. He spoke to him. Then I was certain there was a spiritual awareness that is lacking among Christians. This guy has a problem for 20 years sits next to me in chapel, then I get it? I don’t think it is his fault or maybe my current demon learned something new to torture me with instead of lust.

The symptoms of spiritual warfare were the same as my problem: reading scripture, unwanted thoughts, etc.

After saying the generational bondage prayers God really helped me. I was doing really good. However, over Christmas I suffered, until I got back to school and found scripture in first John:

1 John 1:7-9
5This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. 7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
8If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

All sin? All unrighteousness? Wow. Why then do I fear?

 

[Ruukasu]

Even though I would say bad things, think horrible thoughts, God always forgave me. I always felt His Holy Spirit when I asked to before going to Church. It all began to make sense. I thought I kept committing the unpardonable sin, but the beautiful Holy Spirit of Christ and God kept touching me. Then, I believed I was forgiven no matter what. As long as I confessed my sins and pleaded with the Almighty, he is faithful and just and would purge me from all unrighteousness.

Fasting, prayer, scripture, faith, love, and hope have all helped me greatly recently. I got rid of things that contained hints of sexual immorality, magic, etc. I have been given such a cleaner mind from the Lord recently. I know, that no matter what I think of, no matter what I say, that if I confess it, I am forgiven, for Christ died for all my sins.

Colossians 2:13-14
13When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, 14having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross.

Now I take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ:

Colossians 1:21-22 21And you, that were sometime alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now hath he reconciled 22In the body of his flesh through death, to present you holy and unblameable and unreproveable in his sight:

2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Do you see? All your sin was forgiven on the cross. Your faith in Christ is why God justifies you, and your works are you living by faith.

John 5:24 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.

Why? Because God is Holy and is Holy Spirit is in Christ. You not only believe but you know! Do you see? Don’t run around all day looking at your sin, but run around all day loving people, for Love always endures and love covers a multitude of sins. (Peter’s Epistles)

Also if you read Matthew 12 and Mark 3 carefully, you can see that the people who speak bad of Jesus may be committing the unpardonable sin without realizing it. In other words, they are not coming to repentance.

Hebrews 6
1Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine of Christ, let us go on unto perfection; not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works, and of faith toward God,
2Of the doctrine of baptisms, and of laying on of hands, and of resurrection of the dead, and of eternal judgment.
3And this will we do, if God permit.
4For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost,
5And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come,
6If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame.
7For the earth which drinketh in the rain that cometh oft upon it, and bringeth forth herbs meet for them by whom it is dressed, receiveth blessing from God:
8But that which beareth thorns and briers is rejected, and is nigh unto cursing; whose end is to be burned.
9But, beloved, we are persuaded better things of you, and things that accompany salvation, though we thus speak.
10For God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love, which ye have shewed toward his name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister.
11And we desire that every one of you do shew the same diligence to the full assurance of hope unto the end:
12That ye be not slothful, but followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises.
13For when God made promise to Abraham, because he could swear by no greater, he sware by himself,
14Saying, Surely blessing I will bless thee, and multiplying I will multiply thee.
15And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.
16For men verily swear by the greater: and an oath for confirmation is to them an end of all strife.
17Wherein God, willing more abundantly to shew unto the heirs of promise the immutability of his counsel, confirmed it by an oath:
18That by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us:
19Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast, and which entereth into that within the veil;
20Whither the forerunner is for us entered, even Jesus, made an high priest for ever after the order of Melchisedec.
I know one thing, the closer I get to God the more I must suffer. Then I know I am doing what is right. The more I suffer, the closer I imitate Christ.

Philippians 4:13
13I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Do you see?

We are adopted. God’s Spirit is a spirit of adoption. We are sealed.

Ephesians 1:13-14

13In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also after that ye believed, ye were sealed with that Holy Spirit of promise, 14Which is the earnest of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, unto the praise of his glory.

2 Peter 3:9
The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us_ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

John 6:29 Jesus answered and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom he hath sent.

John 6:35 And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.

John 6:37 All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.

John 6:39 And this is the Father’s will which hath sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day.

John 6:44 No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day.

John 6:47 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life.

John 6:54 Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day.

 

[wiggsfly]

Pretty cool stuff man. It isn't an easy struggle.

 

[kimba]

I recently (in august) finally put down a life long sexual addiction and my OCD has really flared since then. I do think that it is somewhat of an attack as of course the enemy doesn't want me to put down sin. I also feel like if I begin acting out again that perhaps the OCD would get better - but I am asking God to keep me strong and NOT give in. I am expecting my anxiety to calm down the longer I am in recovery. I found a wonderful book about sexual addiction ("don't call it love") that walks you through the things you can expect during the first 5 years of recovery. I also have fasted and prayed and purposefully made good choices about what goes into me as far as media things and I also am in the Word A LOT.

 

[Ruukasu]

I recently (in august) finally put down a life long sexual addiction and my OCD has really flared since then. I do think that it is somewhat of an attack as of course the enemy doesn't want me to put down sin. I also feel like if I begin acting out again that perhaps the OCD would get better - but I am asking God to keep me strong and NOT give in. I am expecting my anxiety to calm down the longer I am in recovery. I found a wonderful book about sexual addiction ("don't call it love") that walks you through the things you can expect during the first 5 years of recovery. I also have fasted and prayed and purposefully made good choices about what goes into me as far as media things and I also am in the Word A LOT.

That is is awesome! We wrestle not against flesh and blood! Remember this verse when in need of help:

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

I remember the battle, it was tough the first few months. I turned on whorship music at night before going to bed. Whenever you feel tempted, do something else. If it is at night when you are tempted, put on worship music. I used to grasp my Bible. The longer you abstain from it the stronger you will get. I really don't feel tempted anymore to give in physically. However, I know I must continue filtering the things I watch, listen to, etc. You can do it! Don't give up! Be sure to know that you are saved by grace first! Not any good from us has saved us, but the blood of Christ. Our eyes are a lamp to our body, look at people's faces! Look at the creation that God has made. What you look at during the day really effects you. You can do it, you can do it! I will pray for you!

Maybe my topic might help you on the topic list: "If the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed"

Ruu

 

[UnitynLove]

Thank you!

 

[AmandaLynn1288]

2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (KJV)

I love this verse! I think about it a lot too when I feel like my mind is out of control!

 

[carebearagr]

I really feel relieved and thankful to God that I have found this place. We are not here by accident. Thanks for sharing your stories