Where do I start. So much has happened in the past two years, I hope that by sharing this Im able to help someone who doesnt have the will to live or just someone who is going through a rough time. When I went through all this I never thought I would ever be happy or continue with my life.
Not too long ago I had the perfect life. Good job , extremely happy with bruce and my kids.Good home and enough cash to live on and so many friends. I considered myself christian even though I prayed when I felt like and only when we werent busy in our life did we attend church. My life was my family. Then he was shot and I felt like I was responsible and my whole world turned upside down. What was suppose to be a good evening turned out awful. He was shot on new years eve at ten to twelve. We took him to hospital and a few days later thought he was coming home when he fell into a coma.He was in a coma for fours days and died the fifth day. On the fourth day his doctor called me and told me he wont make it but there is something worse that he needed to tell me. The ill ness which I thought was Leukemia was actually HIV. I felt like all the time we shared together was a lie. I was hurt , betrayed and very saddened.I got tested and was negative.I left my job and couldnt have cared what happened to our belongings and with that family and friends took advantage of the situation and I ended up with nothing. I sent the kids to live with my mom and moved from our house. Three months later I tried killing myself. I that had never taken drugs before managed to get a hold of 50 exstacy pills, which is a street drug and took all 50 at the same time. I missed him so much and was so hurt by the lies. I found out his family knew and everybody lied to me. I realized how selfish Id been and prayed for forgiveness. As the months went by the money I had left finished, I was left with almost nothing.I didnt want to do the work I loved anymore and all I did was sit around and cry and wasnt meeting bills anymore.After a year I had gotten my life back on track was back doing the work I loved when an exgirlfriend of his told me she had HIV. A friend I met on My Space convinced me to get tested once I told him and I found out I was positive.This doesnt happen to me, it happens to people who have affairs and others not to someone who has been faithful. I couldnt deal with the lies. When I thought he had Leukemia he got so sick and I stood by him through out this why did he lie to me and endanger our health. So many questions, no answers. I decided to be open about my sickness and lots of people turned their backs on me, people I thought were very close to me.Part of me blamed God why is all this happening to me. It was then that I turned to God. I took my daughters back from my mom and without any income it was hard. They used of luxury and not, not having. They stayed with me without lights, one night we went to the church for food and that was the most humbling experience Ive been through. I drew so close to God and gave him total control. My lights were switched off again and I prayed for them to be turned back on and they were. I self destructed not in a sense of drinking or drugs but in that I just was always alone. I didnt want anyone around me. Financially I was suffering , no job - no money , and then one day I reached out to god and I will never forgetthe feeling I felt. Things didnt change overnight. I struggled for a while. I got the kids back with me and was unemployed and had to go to a church one day for dinner but the worse it became the more I reached out to God and today I am blessed with a good job and have my kids back. Sometimes I still hurt concerning the people who I say are from my former life and turned their backs on me but its at these times I turn to God. He is bigger then anything and there is no problem that he cant help wiht. All the pain that I go through I turn to him. Whatever decsion I need to make I ask him. I know whats important and it had to take me to lose all that was near and dear to me to realize that what I thought was important was not. I still hurt a lot today is one of those days but I know that Im not alone. No matter how big your situation or your problem remeber that God is always there. He has pulled through so much for me and yet I still let him down. I dont know what the future holds for me , Before I was big on planning things that has changed because in a period of three months I lost all and my life was turned around. The one thing that has remained the same is the Gods love for me its through this love that Im able to still be here. Provers 3.15 says " Trust int he Lord with all your heart and lean not onto your own understanding" I get depressed often but verses like these , prayer and people close to me, get through.Romans 8:28
Not too long ago I had the perfect life. Good job , extremely happy with bruce and my kids.Good home and enough cash to live on and so many friends. I considered myself christian even though I prayed when I felt like and only when we werent busy in our life did we attend church. My life was my family. Then he was shot and I felt like I was responsible and my whole world turned upside down. What was suppose to be a good evening turned out awful. He was shot on new years eve at ten to twelve. We took him to hospital and a few days later thought he was coming home when he fell into a coma.He was in a coma for fours days and died the fifth day. On the fourth day his doctor called me and told me he wont make it but there is something worse that he needed to tell me. The ill ness which I thought was Leukemia was actually HIV. I felt like all the time we shared together was a lie. I was hurt , betrayed and very saddened.I got tested and was negative.I left my job and couldnt have cared what happened to our belongings and with that family and friends took advantage of the situation and I ended up with nothing. I sent the kids to live with my mom and moved from our house. Three months later I tried killing myself. I that had never taken drugs before managed to get a hold of 50 exstacy pills, which is a street drug and took all 50 at the same time. I missed him so much and was so hurt by the lies. I found out his family knew and everybody lied to me. I realized how selfish Id been and prayed for forgiveness. As the months went by the money I had left finished, I was left with almost nothing.I didnt want to do the work I loved anymore and all I did was sit around and cry and wasnt meeting bills anymore.After a year I had gotten my life back on track was back doing the work I loved when an exgirlfriend of his told me she had HIV. A friend I met on My Space convinced me to get tested once I told him and I found out I was positive.This doesnt happen to me, it happens to people who have affairs and others not to someone who has been faithful. I couldnt deal with the lies. When I thought he had Leukemia he got so sick and I stood by him through out this why did he lie to me and endanger our health. So many questions, no answers. I decided to be open about my sickness and lots of people turned their backs on me, people I thought were very close to me.Part of me blamed God why is all this happening to me. It was then that I turned to God. I took my daughters back from my mom and without any income it was hard. They used of luxury and not, not having. They stayed with me without lights, one night we went to the church for food and that was the most humbling experience Ive been through. I drew so close to God and gave him total control. My lights were switched off again and I prayed for them to be turned back on and they were. I self destructed not in a sense of drinking or drugs but in that I just was always alone. I didnt want anyone around me. Financially I was suffering , no job - no money , and then one day I reached out to god and I will never forgetthe feeling I felt. Things didnt change overnight. I struggled for a while. I got the kids back with me and was unemployed and had to go to a church one day for dinner but the worse it became the more I reached out to God and today I am blessed with a good job and have my kids back. Sometimes I still hurt concerning the people who I say are from my former life and turned their backs on me but its at these times I turn to God. He is bigger then anything and there is no problem that he cant help wiht. All the pain that I go through I turn to him. Whatever decsion I need to make I ask him. I know whats important and it had to take me to lose all that was near and dear to me to realize that what I thought was important was not. I still hurt a lot today is one of those days but I know that Im not alone. No matter how big your situation or your problem remeber that God is always there. He has pulled through so much for me and yet I still let him down. I dont know what the future holds for me , Before I was big on planning things that has changed because in a period of three months I lost all and my life was turned around. The one thing that has remained the same is the Gods love for me its through this love that Im able to still be here. Provers 3.15 says " Trust int he Lord with all your heart and lean not onto your own understanding" I get depressed often but verses like these , prayer and people close to me, get through.Romans 8:28
