My struggle

[smith1]

Hello all,

I have been dealing with OCD all my life but didn't know it was OCD until last year when it came out full-blown with the birth of my son. It has taken different forms but when it really came on strong was when it took the form of fears that I will do something inappropriate to my son. It gets so burdensome that I begin to wonder what my life would be like if I had to leave to protect my son. It hurts me to think of hurting my husband and son by leaving, but it hurts me worse to think of hurting them in the other way. Of course I hate this stuff and just want to defeat it once and for all, but it is a struggle every single day. I go to work, go to church, have friends and basically have a social life. I see a Christian counselor and a Christian psychiatrist and take medications and a host of natural supplements, but I still struggle. I suppose that that means I'm not getting quite the treatment that I need. In any case I covet your prayers and encouragement especially if any of you out there are dealing with the same type of fears that I have.

 

[raven1]

Before this obsession I had that theme. For over twenty years. Since age eight. If you need help let me know.

 

[redblue22]

since it is ocd, you do know that you are probably the safest person in the world for your family.

 

[smith1]

Thanks guys. I do need help. I need somebody to tell me how to defeat this stupid disorder so that I can truly enjoy being with my son. I know the fears are stupid and not really me, but I'm afraid of embracing fears and BECOMING that person. Ugh! I hate all that! It's so repulsive to me but I can imagine how it would feel if it weren't repulsive to me and I worry about letting that version of me take over even for just a moment.

 

[canamer]

*

 

[BeccaLynn]

I went through something very similar after the birth of my son. I too didn't know I had ocd, although I'd had it evidentally since childhood. I just thought I must be a very evil person. I was afraid I was genuinely going to harm my son and didn't understand why in the world I would be thinking like that. Also, I didn't feel I could confide in anyone, except somewhat to my mom, what I was experiencing for fear of my son being taken away. And just like you, I felt like I needed to leave, although I didn't want to, to try and get my life together and not ruin the lives of my husband and son. Thankfully I didn't leave though. When I finally saw a counselor, he told me that if the horrible thoughts I was having about harming my son were the real me, then they wouldn't bother me. Maybe the particular medicine you're taking isn't one that will work for you. A doctor once told me that medicine is like perfume. The same perfume will smell different on different people because nobody has the exact same body chemistry, and medicine that works for one may not be what another needs. Please don't entertain the ideas of leaving your family. It's not that you need to leave, just that you need to get the proper help.

 

[smith1]

It's so much worse during certain times of the month, if you know what I mean. It becomes pretty manageable for a while and then that time hits and bam! it's like going back to feeling on the edge of total disaster. I too wonder if I need a different medication or a higher dosage of what I'm on. I sometimes fear though that I'll never be able to get over these thoughts no matter what medications I take. Sort of like once the cat's out of the bag, you can't put him back in kind of thing. Like you can't unthink a thought and forget about it. I imagine I'm wrong about that. At least I hope so.

 

[raven1]

I just told myself one night if I like kids. I didn't choose it. I just don't have to act on it. My ocd about it vanished.