Hi there everybody!
I've been reading these forums for a few weeks now and have finally come to the conclusion that posting something about my problem could help me find help from other Christians, which I need so badly. This is my first post, I joined up because I need your help, and, let me tell you, my problem is serious and I have had no one to turn to until now except God. OK, here goes...
I'm a man, and even though I'm a Christian man I still find myself tortured in terrifying ways by my urges, in a fashion that it is only really possible for a man to experience. I'm ashamed to even write my desires, in case some one sees them! I know that doesn't make sense, because the Lord can see my every thought (I've often imagined God standing in heaven looking down at me, peering into my mind with X-ray vision like Superman).
When I was quite young (I won't tell you the exact age, I'm afraid that you will judge me if you were to find out) I heard noises from my parents' room late one night. Yes, they were making the proverbial beast with two backs, at it like the proverbial rabbits, MAKING WHOOPEE. At that age I had no idea what was happening of course, so I wasn't freaked out or scared at all. A little confused, I asked my brother (8 years older than me) what the ruckus was about. He was sixteen at the time and knew all about these things, but he wouldn't let on the secret, but just laughed at me. This was the first traumatic sexual experience I had. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how he laughed so hard at my ignorance and lack of knowledge at all things sexual. Sometimes when my girlfriend laughs when we're holding hands in my room I still feel the same pain and I can't explain to her why I'm crying. I feel I'm lying to her and betraying our love when I can't tell her what is wrong. I think I love her, but I have trained myself not to think about her in a physical way and objectify her. I think this is the only way of going about things (doesn't Jesus say 'adultery in the mind is just as adultery in the flesh'?) but she is not as enlightened as I am and sometimes cannot help herself lusting after me. I pray for her, and hope Jesus will forgive her, but sometimes she does really debaucherous things that God would not approve of. A few times now I have gone back to her in my room from the bathroom or to get a glass of milk and she has not been wearing a top! Of course I don't know what to do in such situations. I try to resist and push her away. I try with all my heart. Often I am not strong enough. When this happens I close my eyes and pray to Jesus, imagining him with me in a field far away from all my troubles, where we can enjoy each others company and not have to worry about temptation from women. I think that maybe if I don't think about her at these times, and instead concentrate on Him, that it's only half a sin. But I know that even half a sin will send me straight to hell on his return.
A few weeks after I heard those noises, my brother reminded me of the incident I had overheard (I hid my pain) and told me he would explain everything and wanted to show me something. We waited until both our parents were out the house and then he led me to his room and told me to shut the door. He went to the back of the cupboard and took down a paper bag from which he then removed a magazine. I remember thinking it was just like the magazines Mom gets with pictures of women on the front, but somehow different in a way I didn't quite understand. He said the book would help me know what those noises Mom was making meant but as he was flipping through the pages nothing made more sense. In fact, as I told him after a short time, the pictures were making me more confused. He smiled and said 'yes, they will do that'. He explained that when people get married they do the things in the pictures. When I asked why -- I remember this very clearly -- he mentioned something about a honeymoon; confused, I said, 'But Mom doesn't like honey that much'. Sorry for being crude, but the only other detail I remember is being fascinated and confused about the mens' penises. He explained that sometimes penises get like that but when I asked why he just smiled. Again I felt ignorant and so stupid to be the only one that doesn't understand. I looked at the penises and felt a sense of wonder that I can't quite describe, utterly mystefied by their purpose and their form. The other day he smiled at me like that again, I couldn't look at him for a week. I felt so small and powerless next to him.
That day is long past in truth, but in my mind it is still painfully fresh. That's because whenever praying cannot get rid of my urges, I still look at that magazine. I stole it from my brother a little while after the incident I described, hoping to find some answers to my mystery. The only other person I have told about these urges is my girlfriend. She laughs when I say I feel ashamed, I don't think she realises how Jesus would think when looking down at me while I do it. 'He would be disgusted!' I said and she only replied, 'Why? Let me see.' I don't think she's very sympathetic at all about my worries.
Perhaps this story doesn't mean very much to you reading it, but the relief I feel knowing that some of this pain has been shared with someone else is beautiful to experience. Whoever you are, reading this, may God bless you and keep you for helping me share my torment.
I hope I am not going to hell,
Jonathan.
I've been reading these forums for a few weeks now and have finally come to the conclusion that posting something about my problem could help me find help from other Christians, which I need so badly. This is my first post, I joined up because I need your help, and, let me tell you, my problem is serious and I have had no one to turn to until now except God. OK, here goes...
I'm a man, and even though I'm a Christian man I still find myself tortured in terrifying ways by my urges, in a fashion that it is only really possible for a man to experience. I'm ashamed to even write my desires, in case some one sees them! I know that doesn't make sense, because the Lord can see my every thought (I've often imagined God standing in heaven looking down at me, peering into my mind with X-ray vision like Superman).
When I was quite young (I won't tell you the exact age, I'm afraid that you will judge me if you were to find out) I heard noises from my parents' room late one night. Yes, they were making the proverbial beast with two backs, at it like the proverbial rabbits, MAKING WHOOPEE. At that age I had no idea what was happening of course, so I wasn't freaked out or scared at all. A little confused, I asked my brother (8 years older than me) what the ruckus was about. He was sixteen at the time and knew all about these things, but he wouldn't let on the secret, but just laughed at me. This was the first traumatic sexual experience I had. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how he laughed so hard at my ignorance and lack of knowledge at all things sexual. Sometimes when my girlfriend laughs when we're holding hands in my room I still feel the same pain and I can't explain to her why I'm crying. I feel I'm lying to her and betraying our love when I can't tell her what is wrong. I think I love her, but I have trained myself not to think about her in a physical way and objectify her. I think this is the only way of going about things (doesn't Jesus say 'adultery in the mind is just as adultery in the flesh'?) but she is not as enlightened as I am and sometimes cannot help herself lusting after me. I pray for her, and hope Jesus will forgive her, but sometimes she does really debaucherous things that God would not approve of. A few times now I have gone back to her in my room from the bathroom or to get a glass of milk and she has not been wearing a top! Of course I don't know what to do in such situations. I try to resist and push her away. I try with all my heart. Often I am not strong enough. When this happens I close my eyes and pray to Jesus, imagining him with me in a field far away from all my troubles, where we can enjoy each others company and not have to worry about temptation from women. I think that maybe if I don't think about her at these times, and instead concentrate on Him, that it's only half a sin. But I know that even half a sin will send me straight to hell on his return.
A few weeks after I heard those noises, my brother reminded me of the incident I had overheard (I hid my pain) and told me he would explain everything and wanted to show me something. We waited until both our parents were out the house and then he led me to his room and told me to shut the door. He went to the back of the cupboard and took down a paper bag from which he then removed a magazine. I remember thinking it was just like the magazines Mom gets with pictures of women on the front, but somehow different in a way I didn't quite understand. He said the book would help me know what those noises Mom was making meant but as he was flipping through the pages nothing made more sense. In fact, as I told him after a short time, the pictures were making me more confused. He smiled and said 'yes, they will do that'. He explained that when people get married they do the things in the pictures. When I asked why -- I remember this very clearly -- he mentioned something about a honeymoon; confused, I said, 'But Mom doesn't like honey that much'. Sorry for being crude, but the only other detail I remember is being fascinated and confused about the mens' penises. He explained that sometimes penises get like that but when I asked why he just smiled. Again I felt ignorant and so stupid to be the only one that doesn't understand. I looked at the penises and felt a sense of wonder that I can't quite describe, utterly mystefied by their purpose and their form. The other day he smiled at me like that again, I couldn't look at him for a week. I felt so small and powerless next to him.
That day is long past in truth, but in my mind it is still painfully fresh. That's because whenever praying cannot get rid of my urges, I still look at that magazine. I stole it from my brother a little while after the incident I described, hoping to find some answers to my mystery. The only other person I have told about these urges is my girlfriend. She laughs when I say I feel ashamed, I don't think she realises how Jesus would think when looking down at me while I do it. 'He would be disgusted!' I said and she only replied, 'Why? Let me see.' I don't think she's very sympathetic at all about my worries.
Perhaps this story doesn't mean very much to you reading it, but the relief I feel knowing that some of this pain has been shared with someone else is beautiful to experience. Whoever you are, reading this, may God bless you and keep you for helping me share my torment.
I hope I am not going to hell,
Jonathan.
