My Struggle With My Family...

[mollydarling]

If any of you remember that the last time I was here, I was struggling with becoming a Christian and with everything related to my grandmother's death. Now I have a worse problem.

It all started on my seventeenth birthday (March 18th). My family was going to go out to dinner to celebrate, but my dad wasn't home when I got home from school, so my mom let me go to a friend's house for a while. I called my mom around 7:30 to ask if/when we were going to go out, and she said she'd pick me up at 8:30 because that's when my dad would be home. She picked me up on time, and we went home. My dad didn't get home for another hour. I decided that it would be too late to go out to eat because it would be 10 by the time we got to the restaurant, and I had to get up at 5:30 the next morning, so I thought it would be best if we waited a day. No one in my family had eaten anything since lunch, thinking that we were going out, and there wasn't any other option if we wanted dinner. I told my dad that I'd rather not go, and this made him really angry. I went to take a shower, and the whole time I could hear my parents yelling really loud. My dad started including other problems in the argument, and he made it sound like it was my fault that we couldn't go out because I was at my friend's house, but he was the one that was an hour late. The fighting got really bad, and I was getting scared. Then my dad left. My dad is an alcoholic, so he's out drinking. He's come home twice, but he's never said a word to my mom, my sister, or I since the incident. He spends all day drinking (and driving!) My mom has one part time job, which can't pay for everything for our family. Today we had to search for change to bring to the bank because we were completely out of money. I applied for a job at Applebee's, but I have no idea if I'll get it. Anyway, we have no money, and everyone's worried. My mom can't act normal, and she's so worried that she's sick. Other than the fact that we have no idea where he is or if anything's happened to him, the worst part is that we can't really tell anyone. I have told one friend that I trust, but I can't tell anyone else, and neither can my mom or sister. We live in a small community, and if you tell the wrong person, everyone will know what's going on in a few minutes, and of course people judge and all that. I have to pretend everything's fine around my friends, although being with my friends is my only fun time. My time spent at home is just miserable. The last time this happened (five years ago), he was drinking for five months before going to a treatment center, and he was there for about five months before coming home. I can only hope that it won't be that long again because now I actually have to face people and it's a lot different than when I was 12. A lot of time when I was in elementary school was like this...it seemed like I practically grew up in rehabilitation centers. On top of it all, my dad has mental problems, and he's off of his medication when he's drinking, so he's practically insane along with being drunk. I don't know what to do, but there's not really anything I can do. My mom doesn't want people knowing, but I just shared with a whole community...I really had to tell someone, though. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

 

[Bible2]

. . . there's not really anything I can do . . .
I really had to tell someone, though.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy
laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon
you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in
heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."

(Matthew 11:28-29)

"...I am with you always..."

(Matthew 28:20)

 

[prescious]

Mollydarling...My heart goes out to you..in your letter it says you live in a small community, and that you don't want anyone knowing about your dad..beleive me, they know..I think that you really need to talk it out...How about a school counsler..or church counsler..which ever you think would make you feel better..Your taking on all of his problems..the key word is HIS..I understand that your scared for him, your mom..your family...and that what he does effects everyone..including yourself...But you need to talk about it..let it out..not just on paper..tell your friends..that's why they are your friends..in turn they might tell their parents, and maybe they will be able to offer help...You cannot fix a problem until you confront a problem...Scary..embarressing...afraid....understand that...God is also there for you..to talk to..an he does answer prayers..but we still need outside help often too...your in my thoughts and prayers..............Prescious

 

[crossrunner]

Oh you poor dear.
Please know that we care and I'm praying for you and your family right now. Can you talk to your school guidance counselor and get hooked up with ALANON? (I hope I spelled that right). You need support. Do you belong to a church? If not, try out a good Bible believing church and get involved. A family of Christians can be a great support. Meanwhile, feel free to express yourself here and please keep us updated. God bless you.

 

[dia_liom]

Molly,

My prayers go out to you & your family. I agree with prescious & crossrunner, that you do need to talk to a school counselor or someone at a good church- there are MANY churches out there with programs to help in situations like this. I hope your dad gets the help he needs...

 

[Moodybleu]

You will be in my prayers along with your family. I pray that God will lead you to the place He wants you to find peace and comfort. May the angels hold you up and may Christ strengthen you now and always.

Blue~
John3:16

 

[Tazi]

I realy feel for you Mollydear, I understand how intimidating it can be.. God can give a lot of comfort for you, I know it sounds like preaching cause your almost or maybe on the verge of being a Christian.. but keep in mind that this is a time when Satan will attack you and your family in order to prevent anybody from seeing the Reality of Jesus. Being a Christian means you will have some protection and you can pray for your father and family. Prayer is realy powerful, again I dont want to sound preachy but there is so much comfort and protection in believing. Satan is the god of this world and is intent on bringing people down and destroying them as much as possible. When I was 25 I realized how much evil there is in this world and realized God must also be real, how can there be no reward and no punishment in this world and after?
Your father wont change without intervention.. keeping everything secret is only prolonging the situation and condoning his actions. Next time you see he is sober and a little open, try to talk to him together and say "this cant continue, get help or we will leave..." Your parents can always reconcile later if he realy changes, Im not saying divorce now..
If you think talking wont work, try writing a heart-wrenching letter and give it to him when he is having his coffee in the morning with a big hug .. When you show love to someone who has done something terrible, it can have a profound effect. Another suggestion might be to tape record him when he's going all crazy and play it back when he is sober and maybe open to it. Let him realize what he's like when he is in that state. Im sure he gets into that state and doesnt think its so terrible as it is. Its like living with a demon. Its abusive for all of your family and this cant continue... so, like the lady said above, Alcoholics anonymous can also give you some support but unless your dad gets serious ongoing help, nothing will change.. you might have to resort to an intervention (ask a family male friend to help, someone your father respects would be best, a family male relative, a priest, a sheriff...) but dont get a whole group, you dont want him to feel ganged up on, ask that person to come to your home in the morning when you know he is not drunk, make your father take his pill if possible.. I dont know how his med-taking is going... If an intervention doesnt work, you can wait till you know he is driving drunk and call the police.. I know that sounds drastic, but I guarantee that a shock is the only thing that will wake him up enough to realize that there must be a change. If he is in anyway pysically abusive, don't hesitate to call the police. It may take being arrested to wake him up, and make him decide how he wants the rest of his life to turn out..
And like I said for your own comfort and strength and protection, turn to the Lord Jesus, only good can come from this.. when you become a Christian your whole family is considered Holy by God, it says so in the bible! Wonderful things can happen.. I'm praying for you...
pls give us an update..
Love and hugs, Pam

 

[GreenPartyVoter]

Congratulations on turning 17. I am so sorry your birthday was not a happy one. *hugs*

Two things I can think of that might be helpful to you are:

1) Ala-teen or Al-Anon are both very helpful support groups and they are anonymous.

2) Pastoral or secular counseling can be a great way to unburden the heavy weight you are carrying.

Also, as a new Christian I recommend the book "The Heart of Christianity" by Marcus Borg. I just finished it and it was wonderful.

I will be praying for you, sweetie.

 

[mollydarling]

I would like to thank everyone who replied and/or read this for your time and for being so caring.

Prescious: I think I said the 'small community' thing the wrong way...my town has about 7000 people, but my school has around 500. It's not that small, so I don't think that too many people know, but if I were to tell too many people or the wrong person, the whole school would know in a few minutes. Everyone at my school is so gossipy, and everyone knows everything right away. Thanks for your advice! But I have a question (for anyone)...you said that God answers prayers, but I read in another thread that He won't answer the prayers of someone who doesn't believe. I'm close to becoming a Christian, but I'm not from a Christian family, and I'm not sure if I believe...does that mean that he won't answer my prayers about this situation?

Crossrunner: My school has a college counselor, but not a guidance counselor, so I don't think that I can get help there. I don't belong to a church (and I never have), but I'm planning on at least trying going to church when I get the opportunity. This might not be until I go to college in 2006.
Dia_Liom and Moodybleu: Thank you for your support! I really need it right now.

Tazi: You weren't sounding preachy! Thanks for your suggestions! The problem is that he's home, coming and leaving, but he hasn't said a single word to my mom, my sister, or I since this started. Also, he's drunk just about all of the time, so there isn't any time when he can be approached...he's crazy without being on his medication, and it can't be taken with alcohol. The only way that he can get back to normal is if he's somehow taken to a hospital, or if the police pick him up or something. The problem with that is that he never thought this would happen again, so he cancelled his addiction treatment insurance...there's no way we could pay for it! It doesn't seem like there's anyone we can get help from, either. His sister has mental problems of her own, and she's trying to plan a wedding. His best friend is battling cancer. I have a lot of things going on right now, and it happened at the worst possible time.

GreenPartyVoter: I didn't see your reply because you replied when I was typing mine. Thanks for your suggestions...I don't know if my mom would approve of those things, though. I'll definitely look into reading that book!

Thanks again to everyone...it is so nice to know that people care.

 

[perfection]

Your mom should divorce your dad. I've seen households with an alcoholic in them. And it's devestating to say the least. They always end up , with throwing the alcohol person out of the house, now wether that's the mother,the father or the drunken child. You and your mother will find no peace , of course your dad deserves a chance. Send him to a clinic. If he refuses then both you and your mother should pack your bags and leave.

Honestly there's no way you can help your dad, he needs professional help that neither you or your mom can give him.

Just let your mom get a smal place to rent, where you and her can live peacefully thru your teens. If your dad cannot lend on the support of you and your mother, then he is forced to go into recovery or into going down the drain. Which you can't choose or force him to go into anyway.

You nor your mother should throw your future away due to an alcohol abusive man.

 

[Stinker]

mollydarling: I grew up in almost the same environment as you have. I wish I had just walked into the church in the town that was least intimitating to me, and talked to the preacher/pastor before services, and made a decision to make Christ Lord of my life. I do not know if it would have made much positive headway with the others in my familiy but it would have helped me tremendously from then to throughout the rest of my life.

 

[Tazi]

But I have a question (for anyone)...you said that God answers prayers, but I read in another thread that He won't answer the prayers of someone who doesn't believe. I'm close to becoming a Christian, but I'm not from a Christian family, and I'm not sure if I believe...does that mean that he won't answer my prayers about this situation?

Dear Molly Darling, I believe God answers prayers, and I think He answers the prayers of people regardless of if they are Christians or not..

Everybody knows the stories of the miracles that Jesus performed, such as healing a blind man or lame man, raising the dead, .. It was after Jesus healed them that they became believers, that means they were not believers at the time they were healed. But Im pretty sure the blind man had prayed at some point to have his sight ..

God answers prayers in order that He may show that He is real and has the power to answer prayers, like I said before, I believe Satan is attacking your family and your father, and If you do decide to become a believer, you can have the protection of God and be God's child and call on the powerful name of the Lord, calling on the Name of the Lord is something I do to bring the power of Jesus into whatever situation I need it...

I'm not trying to bribe you into believing, Im just saying its a fact that you'll be more powerful in Christ, and satan knows it and is trying to delay or stop you from being a Christian...In an objective way and said with Love, you'd be better off as a Christian, happier, safer, and more guided and more healed... Im not saying this to try to convince you, its just that I felt this way myself, now that I have become a Christian and I have heard others say similar things.. Im not trying to sound selfish about having the protection of God, Im sure God protects people no matter if they believe or not, especially innocent people and children,

I think God hears all prayers and Loves you and your family too...

God bless you, I pray for you now, that you may have strength to deal with the everyday stresses of this situation. I pray that you would feel the Love God has for you and know that you are not alone God loves you, the proof is that He sent Jesus to die for you...
I pray that you would dwell in your spirit and know the moving of the Holy Spirit in you that the Spirit would guide you in your way and protect you. I pray that the Holy Spirit would give you the right words to say... when you need them in dealing with your father, his family, especially in times of stress. I pray that your father would look to the spirit for comfort, rather than alcohol.
All this I pray in Jesus name, and ask these things In Jesus name, as God is my witness.
Bless Molly darling, her father and their family that you all may find peace,
Amen

 

[mollydarling]

I don't have a son...it's my dad that I was talking about...I'm sorry if I said something that you could have gotten that from!

Everyone, thanks again for your support! I know there's not really anything that I can do except wait and see what happens, but it's great to know that you're here.

 

[MinDach]

You Can not Change the way your father is, or path your mother has chosen to take with her life. THE ONLY THING YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOUR SELF. If life its to hard to live in this house hold, you need to get a job and move out of the house. Most women who have married a alcoholic do not leave there husbands for one reason or another, they do not want to be alone, or it the support of runing a family by them selfs. Its very hard to raise children by your self. I wish you well.

 

[heron]

Molly,

you said that God answers prayers, but I read in another thread that He won't answer the prayers of someone who doesn't believe.

Of course He will! If he didn't how could anyone ever pray to ask God to be involved in their lives? Just go for it.

There are a couple verses that show how certaint things hinder answers, but it's still worth trying; "He is not willing that any should perish." "Knock and the door will be opened; seek, and you will find."

Some practical considerations:

Your Mom proabably gave the silence instruction to protect certain things she can't afford to lose: health insurance, auto insurance are probably under both their names, and I've watched insurance companies cancel accounts over diabetics and alcoholics, although they say they won't...and auto insurance companies cancel coverage even when the alcoholic spouse wasn't on the account. It has happened, even though most of us say, "that's what insurance is for."

She also needs to protect her own reputation, for getting a job, for you moving forward in life. People who gossip have a tendency to push whole families down when one member has disgraced or oppressed the others. It's not right, not compassionate, not helpful, and certainly not fair. But it's important to guard your words in some ways.

You have a lot to deal with, so look at these steps only as a way to protect your future--not a rule you can't break. I'm sure he has already imposed enough guilt on you and your family..you don't need him to stifle every area of your lives.

Someone suggested divorce. That's expensive. Separation might be enough to shock him into stopping for a while, and it would give you all a freedom from being dragged down. It also keeps your mom a little detached from his actions that have legal implications. Even separation requires a downpayment for an apartment, and all the other expenses paid. But if you do this, maybe people at a church or food cupboard will help out. Look up family services in your area, or 700 club, or other missions. (Does your phone book have blue pages?)

I think you could safely talk to pastors, counselors, youth group leaders, about this without hurting anything. Just don't answer questions from businesses on the phone.

The advice about calling the police must seem drastic for a daughter--but think of it as a way to shake him up a little. Jail is shameful, but it's not the end of life for him. Sometimes you might need the police, to protect yourself.

The tape recording is a brilliant (I need flashing words here) idea. Most heavy drinkers have no idea what they've said and done, and think they came up with some mighty clever words. Inside, some are often softies who would feel horrible if they knew they'd hurt their children that way.

I'm glad that you at least have the forum to spill your guts and get some ideas. It sounds like you're being very supportive of your mother, and that helps her a lot when she's making decisions. She has probably lived with this so long, the patterns are all in place and are hard to break out of.

Look on the web for AA-type sites, too. You can get professional, thought-through support from those.

We're all glad that you're here, and hope that you continue to bring up your concerns. I think it's a safe zone for this situation.

 

[ragdolly]

Please get help from one of the AA groups. When you help someone hide their drinking because of embarrassment, etc. you actually enable them to continue. And alcoholism kills, as well as ruins others lives. Your family needs to get help from the AA groups to learn how to deal with your father and what to do about him. If any of you are in danger because of his behavior, you must address that issue right away. Please go to a reliable family member, a pastor, a teacher, a social worker, a school counselor...someone right away and tell them what you have told us. There is help out there. We can love you but we can't get you the real help you need. Please get help.

 

[by pure grace]

Hi Mollydarling,

Happy Be-lated Birthday to you!!!

Many have already given you great advice here so i won't bore you with the same stuff.

You know what, God does answer prayers even if you don't believe! He did for me!
He just want to 'show off' how much he cares for you and answering your prayers might just be what you need to really start believing in Him!

But beware, some prayers do not work, like praying to win the Lotto or gettin a Porche etc.
God is a God of all our NEEDS -not all our GREEDS!!!

Pray for a job and for your Dad to actually be willing to deal with his problems etc. will be good once to pray. And He really don't care much about how you pray (on your knees, saying the right words etc.) as long as you pray with a sincere heart!!
That's the key to ALL prayers.
Pray like you would talk to your best friend, openly and genuinly and in the meantime, thank Him for answering your prayers at the RIGHT time (that's HIS right time, not yours!)

Heavenly Dad,
Will you look after Mollydarling and her entire family please?
You know her every need right now and how thing can change for the better in her family. Keep her dad safe and lead him to the right place where he can get good help. Give the whole family peace, specially her mum that is so upset and worried.
Bring the right people to help them and Dad, show Mollydarling a great church where she can find friendship, help and support and to know you personally. In Jesus Christ name I pray, AMEN!

 

[heron]

Thanks, puregrace, I love online prayers.

 

[mollydarling]

Thanks again everyone for your suggestions and prayers! I haven't been here in a while, but things with my dad are the same. I've now told three friends that I trust, and that helped...I know I have people I can depend on if things go really wrong. It doesn't seem like as big of a deal because I'm more used to it now, but it's still not a great situation. I didn't get the job that I applied for, and I can't find anywhere else around here that's taking applications. Hopefully something will open up for the summer.

 

[Linux98]

Hi Molly, this is late but Happy Birthday!!!

I'm sorry to hear things are still the same with your dad. And I'm sorry you didn't get the job. There is a Christian Business forum on this site. You might want to post in there and ask if anyone has good advice on preparing for the interview or general "job getting" advice.

Business Forum

It is a new forum and not many people know about it yet so it may take a while for someone to respond, but when you start talking with people who own businesses you can get some real good advice. It's under the Christian Only Section, but I don't know one Christian business owner who wouldn't want to help someone just because they weren't Christian.

I'll pray for your Dad.