My Story

[endsdawn]

I've been struggling for a long time now and I'm hoping you all can offer some advice. I pray constantly, talk to God, and unquestioningly jump through any door he opens, but things always seem to get worse.

I used to balance caring for my disabled (and mentally ill) dad with teaching myself a home schooling course. I got stressed to the point of developing an anxiety disorder when I was 17. It got so bad at one point that I had a small stroke brought on by an attack.
I did finally get my HS diploma and we ended up putting my dad into a nursing home, but the damage was done. I was a mental wreck until I was 23, when I finally got things under control, got my first real job, and got out on my own.
The future seemed so bright just then, but things only got worse. Here's a small sampling of my life over the last ten years:

In Love: My fiancee Mandi broke up with me after seven years because I finally objected to her family trying to control her (they'd yell at her if she so much as tried to take an unsupervised walk with me).
Last year, I ended up asking another woman, Rachel, to marry me. She had two beautiful children, strong faith, and we had so much in common. She left me when I refused to shape myself into her idea of who I should be.

Life: I lost my my childhood home. The property is still there but my mom rented it out after I moved to several tenants, each one damaging it worse than the one before. The house is almost beyond saving now and I won't be able to start fixing it for years.
Since moving from there, I've also lost every place I've managed to rent over the years and always end up living with my Grandparents. They're a strong Christian couple, and I'm sure they don't mind me being here, but I *need* a place to call my own and I can't seem to keep anything.

Work: I can't seem to keep a permanent job. I managed to make it through several crazy seasonal positions all over the country, but everything steady I've gotten has fallen apart, no matter how hard I work at it. I work hard, I'm always early to work, I always try to be nice to coworkers and such... And I always end up either getting fired or end up so miserable with my job that I leave.

Pets: My Golden Retriever Trooper suddenly had to be put down, my Pitbull mix Spot randomly died a couple of months later, my White German Shepherd Buddy (dumb as a brick) managed to hang himself, my German Shepherd Duke (the best dog in the world, a hero who saved my mom from a rabid raccoon) got murdered by a DNR agent who chased him into the woods and shot him (the guy lied, claiming Duke was chasing deer), and after I got out on my own I had to give up my remaining two Plott Hounds (my sixteen year-old girl Lucy whom I'd had since I was ten, and her 2 year-old daughter Sadie) when I could no longer have them due to living with my Grandparents.
My mom was caring for my two cats and randomly abandoned Sassafras while I was away working (I'd had him since I was six), then my other cat Nums (my absolute best friend in the world) passed away a couple of years later, again, while I was away working.

Things: Nearly everything I owned was destroyed by rodents (while I was away) in my early twenties, and most of what remained was stolen out of our outbuilding by one of my mom's wonderful tenants.

Now: Just in these last two weeks alone, I ended up spending the last of my savings to visit my dying Dad in Florida but ended up spending too long with him and lost my job. He passed away the day after I came back to Michigan to clean my apartment out. The very next day, I had to drive my Grandma to the hospital to be admitted for a dangerous infection in her leg (thankfully though, she's coming home tomorrow). But it's always like this, one thing after another. I try to count my blessings but it's hard when the list is diminishing so quickly.

I'm so tired of all this... I just want it to stop. I'm so worn down, tired of even trying anymore. I'm sad when I wake up in the morning and on the verge of/in tears by the time my head hits the pillow at night. I've been through so much, worked so hard, and I'm right back where I started again...

Were it not for the love I feel towards my Mom and my Grandparents and the fear that doing it would send me to hell, I would have ended it all years ago.

 

[RuthD]

I read your story and really feel for you having gone through so very much. My life has been a lot like yours in terms of bad things happening all the time. I don't know what to say except that I will pray for your life to become better. Again, I am so very sorry you have had such a bad time of it. I care and understand and am praying. God bless you.

 

[joey_downunder]

What you've had to go through is really hard. It sounds like you've been through a lot. If it helps can you look at some of what has happened is part of us all living in a fallen world (e.g. your loved pets dying, natural disasters, bad people choosing to destroy personal property)? None of that is your fault at all.

Several questions:

1. Do you have someone wise you can talk to before you make decisions to do things first? I readily admit I am someone who tended to make snap decisions that backfired badly because I didn't think them through enough. That is something that has improved with age and learning many things the hard way.

2. You have been through quite a few things that the average person has not e.g. abusive father, natural disasters, your own health issues....
Have you looked for counsellors/seen any doctors for treatment of (possible) depression yet? Asking for professional help when you need it is a very wise thing to do.
Where there is no guidance, a people falls,
but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. (Proverbs 11:14)

Remember God can turn any bad thing that has happened into something good. I bet right now you are asking how on earth that is possible?!

* abusive father - you will be sensitive and understanding towards others who have been through the same in a way that non-abused people are incapable of
* bad people - you know first-hand that people are sinners and you will be cautious of whom you will/will not trust
* job losses - you could seek training in an area much better suited to your temperament that you wouldn't have thought of until this occurred

It is the people who have been through a lot themselves who are most gifted at helping others, understanding others, not judging others. It is the "weak people" who show God's glory and strength the most. 2 Corinthians 4:7-18

Lord God, we ask that you show endsdawn all the hidden blessings he has received through his past trials, open new doors, send good people his way and give him your peace and tranquilty in the midst of all this uncertainty in Jesus' name.

 

[endsdawn]

I've got my Grandparents and my pastor to talk to and I usually take important topics to them, such as moving for a job. Following their advice hasn't seemed to help much though...

I have been to a doctor and I don't suffer from depression, oddly enough. I'm sad, yes, but it's because of my life, not a disease. I do still (a little) suffer from anxiety which itself causes some irritating obsessive-compulsive tenancies, I sometimes have blood pressure, and I suffer from (seemingly untreatable) chronic fatigue syndrome caused by a disease I contracted as a child that makes me feel tired about 80% of the time.

Thanks for the prayers here guys. You have no idea how much I need them. There is so much more I could add to this whole story but it'd become too big to read.

 

[RuthD]

I hope you will continue to communicate here. Don't worry about it being long. I for one will read it and respond. I am praying for you. God bless you. How are you doing now?

 

[endsdawn]

Thanks for the prayers. Here's hoping God's got something decent in store for me in the future.

For now, well, I'm doing as best I can. My Grandma is coming home tomorrow so I'm trying to clean house for her, and I've got to cut about five cords of firewood so they'll be able to get through the winter, so I'm pretty busy this week. I'm just trying to make it through, keep my mind off of things. I've got to start looking for a job and pickings are slim at best around here.

 

[justlikeThomas]

endsdawn,
never give up. "Let us not grow weary while doing good for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." -Galatians 6:9

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." -Jeremiah 29:11

Hang in there, bud. You are still young and have a long life ahead of you. God has a plan for each individual, all you have to do is wait for Him to reveal His grace to you, and when He does, it will all be worth it. This is just a stage in your life, everyone experiences it in some way, but God will not give you something you can't handle. Trust in Him, and you will not be disappointed

 

[Contrar]

There is comfort even in your trials.
Mathew 11:28-30
""Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
The lord will give you rest. Gaurd your heart against bitterness and look forward to the hope we have in christ
Romans 5:3-4
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. "
The lord will give you the strength, and hope to endure. Though you suffer, remember that the lord will refine you in this. Grace and peace be with you.