I just wanted to give my story and hope it helps someone out there. On March 3rd 2010, I was suddenly hit with blasphemous throughts. That morphed into a number of OCD triggers and a downward spiral of depression. It was by far the worste thing I had ever gone through. I thought I had commited the U.S., was possessed and who knows what else. I often thought about suicide, quit eating and lost about 30 pounds, thought I was going to get fired from my job. If their ever was such a thing as "reaching the edge", I had one foot on and one foot off. I have been a Christian most of my life and that hope within me could not and would not die. The first 6 months were the worst and after that I began seeing small improvements.
The first thing to go were blasphemous thoughts. They happened less frequently until they eventually went away. If they ever did happen (once a month or less), they literally had no effect on me. The next things to go were the fear of blasphemy and the fear I had lost my salvation.
The one thing that really stuck hard was anxiety I would get when talking or hearing about God or Jesus. It was the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I still can't explain why it would happen, it may have had something to do with the months of ingrained fears of blasphemy. Even now that is about a 1 out of 10 on how bad it use to be. If it does happen, it is few and far between and just does not have the power it use to.
Now how did I overcome it? It was really just have the scariest faith i've ever had. I say scary because when you truly believe you are condemned and an apostate and blasphemer and possessed, and God has forever left you to wither away, believing in Gods Word is well frightening. You are saying God even though my mind KNOWS I am forever cut off from you, my heart refuses to believe that. Armed with that face I would thrust myself into situations that I knew would trigger anxiety attacks. I would talk about God with my wife, which I knew would cause an anxiety attack. Listen to praise and worship, read those scary Bible verses. I don't know how, but over time the promises in Gods Word seemed more real to me than my thoughts. It truely comes down to really believing Gods Word over your thought. It's a simple test, if your thoughts don't line up with Gods Word, then they are lies. Now thats easier than it sounds, the lies can seem very truthful. Which is why if you are struggling, get in Gods Word! Memorize it! Quote it daily, even hourly! My Pastor always says, if your mouth is a revolver and the Word of God are bullets, when Satan comes to attack, are you shooting blanks or are you firing real rounds?! You can't overcome those lies of the mind without some ammunition. Next is praise and worship and a good church family. Then finally someone to consol in. Just a comment on that last one, if you do talk to someone about your struggles, make sure they don't become a crutch for you. It can help HUGE help for a while, but you need to get to the point to where you have talked through it, and are ready to just start fighting. I still talk to my wife about it, but now it's only if I have a really bad day, or if I can tell I am making huge progress and have a praise report.
The final struggle I think we all have is "spiritual bareness". It's not that the Holy Spirit has left us, but that the dark cloud of depression and pain keeps us from sensing the presence of Jesus in our lives. I needed to be reminded of that daily. Before this happened to me, I literally could feel the love and peace of Christ follow me daily, it was a tangable presence. Next to the OCD, not feeling His presence caused me so much pain. But again reading Gods Word and coming to truly believe it I knew He never left me. And now over 2 years later, I still have times I can't see or feel Him, but their are times he fills my heart and mind with peace, times in intimate worship I can truely sense Him.
I just want to encourage everyone to keep pressing on. Don't ever be satisfied with where you are at. Because my healing lied majorly on being in Gods Word and keeping his Word in my heart, when I go for a couple days without it, I can feel that junk creaping back into my mind big time. But I am where now getting back into his Word and prayer, and within an hour it is overcome by peace. Don't give up because their is a beautiful mountain top on the other side of this valley!
The first thing to go were blasphemous thoughts. They happened less frequently until they eventually went away. If they ever did happen (once a month or less), they literally had no effect on me. The next things to go were the fear of blasphemy and the fear I had lost my salvation.
The one thing that really stuck hard was anxiety I would get when talking or hearing about God or Jesus. It was the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I still can't explain why it would happen, it may have had something to do with the months of ingrained fears of blasphemy. Even now that is about a 1 out of 10 on how bad it use to be. If it does happen, it is few and far between and just does not have the power it use to.
Now how did I overcome it? It was really just have the scariest faith i've ever had. I say scary because when you truly believe you are condemned and an apostate and blasphemer and possessed, and God has forever left you to wither away, believing in Gods Word is well frightening. You are saying God even though my mind KNOWS I am forever cut off from you, my heart refuses to believe that. Armed with that face I would thrust myself into situations that I knew would trigger anxiety attacks. I would talk about God with my wife, which I knew would cause an anxiety attack. Listen to praise and worship, read those scary Bible verses. I don't know how, but over time the promises in Gods Word seemed more real to me than my thoughts. It truely comes down to really believing Gods Word over your thought. It's a simple test, if your thoughts don't line up with Gods Word, then they are lies. Now thats easier than it sounds, the lies can seem very truthful. Which is why if you are struggling, get in Gods Word! Memorize it! Quote it daily, even hourly! My Pastor always says, if your mouth is a revolver and the Word of God are bullets, when Satan comes to attack, are you shooting blanks or are you firing real rounds?! You can't overcome those lies of the mind without some ammunition. Next is praise and worship and a good church family. Then finally someone to consol in. Just a comment on that last one, if you do talk to someone about your struggles, make sure they don't become a crutch for you. It can help HUGE help for a while, but you need to get to the point to where you have talked through it, and are ready to just start fighting. I still talk to my wife about it, but now it's only if I have a really bad day, or if I can tell I am making huge progress and have a praise report.
The final struggle I think we all have is "spiritual bareness". It's not that the Holy Spirit has left us, but that the dark cloud of depression and pain keeps us from sensing the presence of Jesus in our lives. I needed to be reminded of that daily. Before this happened to me, I literally could feel the love and peace of Christ follow me daily, it was a tangable presence. Next to the OCD, not feeling His presence caused me so much pain. But again reading Gods Word and coming to truly believe it I knew He never left me. And now over 2 years later, I still have times I can't see or feel Him, but their are times he fills my heart and mind with peace, times in intimate worship I can truely sense Him.
I just want to encourage everyone to keep pressing on. Don't ever be satisfied with where you are at. Because my healing lied majorly on being in Gods Word and keeping his Word in my heart, when I go for a couple days without it, I can feel that junk creaping back into my mind big time. But I am where now getting back into his Word and prayer, and within an hour it is overcome by peace. Don't give up because their is a beautiful mountain top on the other side of this valley!
