my relationship with a christian

[shaunydub]

Hi,

I was raised catholic but since high school have not been into religion at all.
I started to see a girl in December who is Christian and am I looking for advice on some issues.

When we 1st met my girlfriend told me she is a christian and that she wasn't sure about a relationship with a non-christian and wanted to go slow. She also told me about her views on no sex before marriage etc. I took these on board and was patient and understanding and did not push for anything.

After 6 weeks she told me she loved me and we slept together shortly after.
Since then we have slept together a lot and sometimes my girlfriend feels really bad & guilty for days afterwards.
I never instigate sex, it is always her who starts things going that way. My girlfriend gets upset about me not starting sex but I don't like to because I know that sometimes she will feel bad afterwards.
A few times we agreed to stop having sex and I stopped things from happening but she always gets upset because I reject her then after we have sex she gets upset.

How am I meant to deal with the issue of sex in this case??

Also my girlfriend has issues about who she tells about our relationship.
In the area where we live all of her friends know about us but they are non-christians.
My girlfriend will not tell her christian friends about us and more to the point after 5 months she still feels that she can not tell her parents about us. Despite the fact that her mum is a christian who is married to a non-christian.
I am getting tired of only being able to see her when her parents are out or when they think she is somewhere else.
Her mother has told her that she doesn't mind if we are dating but my gf still refuses to tell her mother we are more than friends, and this is upsetting me as I have been patient and feel that after 5 months she should be able to tell her parents and friends about us.
I am 27 and she is 24 and I don't like having to hide my relationship.
When I go around her house her parents think we are just friends so I am not allowed to kiss her or cuddle her or show any signs of affection in case they see us.
This makes me feel bad and like she is embarressed and ashamed to be with me.

I love my girlfriend and we have discussed marriage etc and I really want to spend my life with her. I have told her that I may not believe the same things as her but I want to be involved in everything she does and am willing to accompany her to church or any other activities.

I really want to make this relationship work so any advice would be appreciated.

 

[ditzi]

Hey, I hope everything all works out for you. It sounds like you really love this girl, and the fact that you're prepared to go with her to church and stuff should show her that you're serious enough about the relationship....
Does she only get upset and stuff after you've had sex because she feels that she should have waited until she gets married? Have you spoken to her about WHY she gets upset? Also, maybe you should say to her that it might be an idea if you don't have sex any more until you are married, (you did say you're planning on marrying her?) I mean, it'd be tough, but maybe in the long run it'd be better...
Tell her that you don't like to instigate sex because you don't like that she feels bad,and you don't want to be the cause of her upset.
She should understand that you love her and that you just want her to be happy, and therefore, making her feel guilty for sleeping with you when she thinks she shouldn't doesn't make you feel too great either!
As for the not telling people that you're together, have you asked her why it's okay for her non-christian friends to know, but not her christian ones? Maybe its related to the sex? It could be that she doesn't mind her non-christian friends knowing that you are together, and sleeping together, but maybe she thinks that if her christian friends knew that they would judge her on the fact that she hasn't waited until she's married to you. Maybe its the same reason for why she hasn't told her parents.
You need to tell her how you're feeling too, because although you're trying to protect her feelings (I'm guessing), she should know how her behaviour is affecting you.
I hope I've helped a bit, and I hope you sort things out.

d xx

 

[DArceri]

If you truly love her you will stop having sex with her. She is miserable for a reason. If she is truly a christian, she is grieving the Holy Spirit that lives inside her. She knows its wrong but she is choosing the sin of the flesh over her faith and she is being convicted by it routinely. She is weak right now and you are not helping her. You basically are taking advantage of her weakness. That is the reason christians are advised not to date non-believers. The world is filled with temptations and unfortunately, you became the tempter. If you care for her and you see her misery, I would suggest you become the noble one and abstain for her sake. You will have a lifetime together later if you plan on marrying her. If you don't plan on marrying her, you are hurting Gods child. I pray that you do it for yourself too because you also are living in sin even if you don't have the Holy Spirit convicting you. Those who live in sin will die in there sin. Jesus can wash away all your past and present sins if you only would call on Him. You need forgiveness desparately too. If you truly love her why not join a pre-marital small group at her church and see what her faith is all about. Don't you want to understand the one you love?

 

[flaglady]

You poor chap, what a tough situation you're in! You just can't win, can you? I mean she doesn't like it when you do nor when you don't. And she's being secretive about your relationship. In fairness, I don't think this should go on. Either she makes a choice and 'comes out' or you need to take some time out of the relationship altogther.

However - and it's a big however - a marriage between a one of faith and one of no faith, is rarely a good, even or successful union. For it says in the Bible "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." (2 Corinthians 6:14). Believe me I have seen sooo many 'unequally yoked' marriages that have shown the wisdom of that piece of sound advice.

Never the less, she needs to make herself right with her God and stop breaching the very boundaries she declared to you at the outset. That she is the instigator is because, at the root of it, we're all weak, but she'll never be happy until she gets her own self sorted out and that, my good friend, is a problem for her. You are just a bystander in this since you do not share her faith. I think as daceri said, you must resist her and force her to sort herself out.

I wish you well in this difficult situation.

 

[Adoniram]

shaunydub-

My first question is what is holding you back from becoming a believer? Second question, is there anything we can do to help you along those lines?

And here is the reason for those two questions. Your relationship with God is so much more important than your relationship with her. It is that which determines where you will spend eternity. And I'm not trying to belittle your feelings toward her, which I'm sure are real and strong, considering your willingness to come here to seek advice. A relationship built upon the foundation leading to eternal life, namely Jesus Christ, has a strong chance of surviving and being far more rewarding.

The point is that once you get your own relationship with God in line, your relationship with her can become more meaningful. Does that make sense? If both of you have doing God's will first in mind, making decisions about sex, revealing your relationship to her parents, etc., will become easier.

The Bible teaches that in a marriage, the man is supposed to be the leader. This does not mean that he "lords" it over his wife, making all kinds of demands, etc. What it means is that they discuss issues together, and after careful and prayerful consideration in effort to discover what God's will is in the matter, the man decides on the course of action to be taken. In this manner, God's blessing descends upon the marriage.

Another question, has she ever talked to you about becoming a Christian? Has she ever told you about why you need to believe in Jesus, about what Jesus has done for you? Her actions and what she has said lead me to believe that she is quite possibly a "Christian by association only" (i.e., not really a Christian at all) and hasn't really believed or turned her life over to Jesus. If this is the case, then you both should do some real "soul searching," and resolve to take care of that situation. Maybe you need to take the lead in this.

As I said before, if you need guidance in that, there are many here who can help.

I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Catherineanne]

I really want to make this relationship work so any advice would be appreciated.

I think you need to sit down together and discover the answer to some very important questions, such as:

Do you each see your relationship continuing long term, and perhaps into marriage?

Can you both abstain from sexual relations for a time, so that you can sort out other issues within your relationship? (This is particularly important for women, because the emotional involvement in sex is far greater, on the whole, than for men. This is why it is so painful for your girlfriend, and why she is getting so confused and hurt.)

Can you both be honest with friends and family about how important you are to one another?

Are you willing to reconsider your faith, for her sake, and is she willing to give you time to find out who you are, without pressuring you either way?

After this, if you both want the relationship to continue, I suggest you speak to her minister about his, and enlist his/her help in whatever way is possible, whether in relationship discussions, or discussions of your faith, or perhaps in telling her parents.

I wish you nothing but good, but at present there is too much intrigue and secrecy, and it is doing neither of you any good whatever. Imo, this kind of secrecy - which in the end is nothing short of deceit - is no basis for marriage, so either persuade your girlfriend to be more honest all round, or call it a day, and find another young lady who is more willing to be open with you, her friends and her family.

 

[TexasGirl06]

Hi,

IWhen we 1st met my girlfriend told me she is a christian and that she wasn't sure about a relationship with a non-christian and wanted to go slow. She also told me about her views on no sex before marriage etc. I took these on board and was patient and understanding and did not push for anything.

After 6 weeks she told me she loved me and we slept together shortly after.
Since then we have slept together a lot and sometimes my girlfriend feels really bad & guilty for days afterwards.
I never instigate sex, it is always her who starts things going that way. My girlfriend gets upset about me not starting sex but I don't like to because I know that sometimes she will feel bad afterwards.
A few times we agreed to stop having sex and I stopped things from happening but she always gets upset because I reject her then after we have sex she gets upset.

How am I meant to deal with the issue of sex in this case??

Also my girlfriend has issues about who she tells about our relationship.
In the area where we live all of her friends know about us but they are non-christians.
My girlfriend will not tell her christian friends about us and more to the point after 5 months she still feels that she can not tell her parents about us. Despite the fact that her mum is a christian who is married to a non-christian.
I am getting tired of only being able to see her when her parents are out or when they think she is somewhere else.
Her mother has told her that she doesn't mind if we are dating but my gf still refuses to tell her mother we are more than friends, and this is upsetting me as I have been patient and feel that after 5 months she should be able to tell her parents and friends about us.
I am 27 and she is 24 and I don't like having to hide my relationship.
When I go around her house her parents think we are just friends so I am not allowed to kiss her or cuddle her or show any signs of affection in case they see us.
This makes me feel bad and like she is embarressed and ashamed to be with me.

I love my girlfriend and we have discussed marriage etc and I really want to spend my life with her. I have told her that I may not believe the same things as her but I want to be involved in everything she does and am willing to accompany her to church or any other activities.

I really want to make this relationship work so any advice would be appreciated.

Hello Shaunydub ~


I'll start with your girlfriend being a Christian.
She apparently is aware of God's Word on premarital sex and on being in an unyoked relationship.
Sounds like the Holy Spirit (dwells in a Believer) has been convicting her. This is actually a very good thing. This is how God lets His Children know when they have strayed from His Path.


How about you?
The most important thing you could ever consider is whether or not to have a real relationship with the Living God.
He has a whole new life out there for you.
He's waiting for you to seek Him.

Be encouraged....
I do see that you really care for her.

I'm so glad that you found your way to Christian Forums. It's good to have you here. Welcome !