My recent struggle with gender

High Fidelity · Feb 23, 2025

You’re overthinking this.

All of those traits you described are true or false of anyone. Courage doesn’t make you a man, there are plenty of courageous women and cowardly men.

Biologically you’re male, that’s it.

TheRisingSun · Feb 23, 2025

High Fidelity said:
You’re overthinking this.

All of those traits you described are true or false of anyone. Courage doesn’t make you a man, there are plenty of courageous women and cowardly men.

Biologically you’re male, that’s it.

I understand I'm male. The problem is, I'm not a normal male.

High Fidelity · Feb 23, 2025

TheRisingSun said:
I understand I'm male. The problem is, I'm not a normal male.

What constitutes a 'normal male' varies from culture to culture, generation to generation.

Some cultures are more feminine, for example.

TheRisingSun · Feb 23, 2025

High Fidelity said:
What constitutes a 'normal male' varies from culture to culture, generation to generation.

Some cultures are more feminine, for example.

Well, I'm an American, in case that helps.

Richard T · Feb 24, 2025

Seems like you have alot to deal with but I will take a stab at things that might possibly help. First, I hope you have seen an MD in case there are physiological things that are causing your issues. Secondly, though when a person is under intense spiritual attack it is easy to give in. Once the person has given in, the mind becomes more aligned with the problem, especially if one is confessing it over and over. So how much territory are you going to give up? Even better why give up anything? You can do all things through Christ that strengthens you. Most protection comes from the mind by the way. usually it is foolish to go into brute force mode. How much better to think your way out of potential danger by being prepared etc. Otherwise a gun for protection is certainly an equalizer. So there is alot of room to be prepared and avoid conflict when it is possible.
I think that living with your grandmother and aunt might be affecting these issues. Being more independent should help. Perhaps financially you are unable to rent your own space, but there are government programs through HUD that rent places based on income, though some are unsafe and other may have waiting lists. The point is you have to find ways to assert yourself.
I'm not trying to judge your masculinity. There is nothing wrong with liking a female that can be strong. Likely they will complement you quite well as long as they do not care about how "strong" you are in the flesh. Get some spiritual strength though. Know your authority in Christ which is immense. Learn how to be a prayer warrior, a term often associated with women, but men can be that too. In other words build up your spirit and shift the whole focus on God, giving Him your cares and concerns, your dreams and desires. Find a good pastor or spiritual mentor that can help you through these things in love. You do not have to miss even a sliver of your destiny which though God is surely great. God bless.

Gregory Thompson · Feb 24, 2025

TheRisingSun said:
I understand I'm male. The problem is, I'm not a normal male.

The problem seems to be the need to be approved by others.

You are who you are.

brassica · Feb 24, 2025

I see from your profile that you are the same age as me. People in our generation seem to struggle a lot with gender in our modern society. Because the world changes and the ideal of what it means to be a man or a woman are largely reduced to their most repulsive components in mass media aimed towards young adults (well… I’ll keep crying out “I’m twenty-seven! Twenty-seven is young!”) it’s easy to not want to identify with those aspects. As a woman I don’t enjoy the pressure to conform to hypersexual aspects of femininity or the beauty ideals that get pushed on pretty much every premenopausal woman, so I don’t do things such as get plastic surgery or wear highly revealing clothing. I imagine there are elements of macho masculinity that are similarly repulsive to you. But even though I don’t like modern beauty ideals for women, I still take care of my appearance so that I’m not completely slovenly, and if you don’t enjoy the “tough guy” aspects of masculinity it’s still possible to be strong in other ways without falling into playing a grotesque caricature of a man. Ultimately I think being yourself is natural and easy to do so I hope that the pressure to be something else doesn’t hurt you.

TheRisingSun · Feb 24, 2025

brassica said:
I see from your profile that you are the same age as me. People in our generation seem to struggle a lot with gender in our modern society. Because the world changes and the ideal of what it means to be a man or a woman are largely reduced to their most repulsive components in mass media aimed towards young adults (well… I’ll keep crying out “I’m twenty-seven! Twenty-seven is young!”) it’s easy to not want to identify with those aspects. As a woman I don’t enjoy the pressure to conform to hypersexual aspects of femininity or the beauty ideals that get pushed on pretty much every premenopausal woman, so I don’t do things such as get plastic surgery or wear highly revealing clothing. I imagine there are elements of macho masculinity that are similarly repulsive to you. But even though I don’t like modern beauty ideals for women, I still take care of my appearance so that I’m not completely slovenly, and if you don’t enjoy the “tough guy” aspects of masculinity it’s still possible to be strong in other ways without falling into playing a grotesque caricature of a man. Ultimately I think being yourself is natural and easy to do so I hope that the pressure to be something else doesn’t hurt you.

What do you mean by the "tough guy" aspects of masculinity? I was talking about traditional masculinity. Being a protector, being brave or courageous, (arguably) being taller/larger than the women in my life (in my case, my mother), being stronger. I'm just talking about being strong, brave, physically capable. Those are things I took no pride in.

I didn't feel proud, needed, or manly when I shoveled that snow, escorted a terrified woman to her workplace to get her stuff (a mouse was in her area and she was scared of mice), helped my mother reach something she couldn't, or anything. That's part of the reason I go for women who are strong and capable; they're less likely to need me physically.

It makes sense to me; If I don't have the Hero Instinct, then I shouldn't date/marry someone who would want/need me to be a hero. Just go for someone who doesn't need my help. You get me?

TheRisingSun · Feb 24, 2025

Michie said:
I gave my impression. He needs medical help.

Wait--why medical?

TheRisingSun · Feb 24, 2025

tmtj said:
I would not propose that you look for a Christian woman who can be the knight in shining armor for you. Most Christian women are not built this way. They seek leadership and strength from Christian men, and you would be hard pressed to find a female who is willing to take the leadership role and let you be the supporter. Trust me, I haven't found many Christian women like this.

I read your whole reply, and I understand what you're saying. Regarding dating and trying to find a partner at all, I'm guessing you recommend not doing that, while I'm lacking the Hero Instinct.

And in my defense, most Christian men are not built like me.

Michie · Feb 24, 2025

TheRisingSun said:
Wait--why medical?

Because it’s the professional help to direct you to the appropriate resources.

Michie · Feb 24, 2025

TheRisingSun said:
What do you mean by the "tough guy" aspects of masculinity? I was talking about traditional masculinity. Being a protector, being brave or courageous, (arguably) being taller/larger than the women in my life (in my case, my mother), being stronger. I'm just talking about being strong, brave, physically capable. Those are things I took no pride in.

I didn't feel proud, needed, or manly when I shoveled that snow, escorted a terrified woman to her workplace to get her stuff (a mouse was in her area and she was scared of mice), helped my mother reach something she couldn't, or anything. That's part of the reason I go for women who are strong and capable; they're less likely to need me physically.

It makes sense to me; If I don't have the Hero Instinct, then I shouldn't date/marry someone who would want/need me to be a hero. Just go for someone who doesn't need my help. You get me?

It sounds like you just want support and effort put forth towards yourself. You do not want to support or put forth any effort towards your spouse. Does not sound like the makings of a good relationship.

TheRisingSun · Feb 24, 2025

Michie said:
It sounds like you just want support and effort put forth towards yourself. You do not want to support or put forth any effort towards your spouse. Does not sound like the makings of a good relationship.

Hold up, you think I wouldn't do ANYTHING good in a relationship? You think my goal is just to slack off?

Michie · Feb 24, 2025

TheRisingSun said:
Hold up, you think I wouldn't do ANYTHING good in a relationship? You think my goal is just to slack off?

It appears you want to put forth as little effort as possible. That’s why you need to consult a professional. You talk of little else. Is it a fetish? Who knows? That why you seek professional help to figure it out.

TheRisingSun · Feb 24, 2025

Michie said:
It appears you want to put forth as little effort as possible. That’s why you need to consult a professional. You talk of little else. Is it a fetish? Who knows? That why you seek professional help to figure it out.

The reason I keep venting about this is because I feel like a total whacko compared to other Christian men. Gender roles are kind of a big deal in the church, and I'm nothing like all the Christian men and boys I see. So many of them have at least some masculine energy in them. They're normal guys. But by the church's standards, I'm totally effeminate.

That's why I keep talking about it. I'm the odd one out.

Gregory Thompson · Feb 24, 2025

TheRisingSun said:
I feel like a total whacko

TheRisingSun said:
by the church's standards, I'm totally effeminate.

So does hearing 1 Corinthians 6:9 being preached on end up triggering this, or are you just feeling left out?

If it's just feeling left out, even Jesus was an outcast in His generation.

TheRisingSun · Feb 24, 2025

Gregory Thompson said:
So does hearing 1 Corinthians 6:9 being preached on end up triggering this, or are you just feeling left out?

If it's just feeling left out, even Jesus was an outcast in His generation.

Feeling left out.

Gregory Thompson · Feb 24, 2025

TheRisingSun said:
Feeling left out.

I'm definitely an odd one out, for totally different reasons.

The key to it is not letting your emotions have the majority voice inside of you.

Balance is key.

Michie · Feb 24, 2025

TheRisingSun said:
Feeling left out.

Well I doubt they are thinking about as much as you do. Do yourself a favor and seek out some professional help to figure it out.

brassica · Feb 24, 2025

TheRisingSun said:
shoveled that snow, escorted a terrified woman to her workplace to get her stuff (a mouse was in her area and she was scared of mice), helped my mother reach something she couldn't

Oh, I see. I don’t really think of these things as particularly masculine as they’re more generally prosocial behavior. I do that stuff too and don’t feel particularly “manly” just because I’m helping other people out. If it’s really just that level of basic charity that you think is unacceptably masculine for you, what sort of stuff do you take pride in doing?

As for the hero instinct, shouldn’t everyone strive to have that? And not in a gendered way? Maybe I’m the odd one here.

My recent struggle with gender

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