This morning, I got an email from Mike (my youth pastor). He told me that he thought that it was time that we told my parents. Because i am not getting much better, and it is hard to get support when they won't let me call. Last night I got into a fight with mom. I needed to call Mike, because I wasn't doing well. But she wouldn't let me. So he thinks that it would help for them to know. He promised me that he would tell them in the most gentle way that he could, and that it would work out for the best. He wanted my permission to tell them, so he wanted me to call him and talk it through.
So I called him. I have never talked to him about my SI off the internet. So that phone call was so hard to make. But I called, and he was really understanding
. and quite easy to talk to about it. I told him that I didn't feel that I was ready. But he said "Bethany I promiss you this will work out for the best. and no matter what, Mollie, Ambry, and I will still be here to support you. So what do you think?" I said "I don't know Mike I am scared" and he said " so why don't you just trust me that this is what is best for you right now. I really think that this is the right thing to do". So we talked about it a while longer, and I finally agreed.
Mike called them around 6, I could hear bits and pieces of the convo, and it didn't sound like it was going to well. But they know now. It is strange tho. I thought for sure that right after they got off the phone with Mike, they would want to talk to me about it. And Mike told me to be expecting that. But they haven't said a word to me. Which, kinda is a relief, and kinda makes me worried. I am worried, because I am now scared to be alone in a room with them because I am scared they are going to bring it up. But I am happy, because they haven't flipped out yet. It is weird tho. Earlier, my sister was watching this show, Degrassi, and on of the girls on there is a cutter. Well the girl told her mom about it, and my dad just gives me this look
. I don't know what to think of it. I was scared that dad was going to say something to me, but he just turned around and went right back to his work like nothing happened. The one thing that I have noticed, is that they haven't said anything rude to me. Like, I made mac and cheese for dinner, and I left the pot on the stove while I was eating. Normally, they would have yelled at me and told me to clean it up. But they didn't say a word to me. After I was done eating, I went and rinsed my plate, and the pot, and mom thanked me . She thanked me for cleaning it up, and making dinner. It was strange. Sarah called to check up on me (I told her earlier Mike's plans) and I told her about that I and she said that they most likely feel guilty, so they are walking on egg-shells so they don't set me off. Makes sense, but I really don't want that. I mean, I like that they are being nice and all, but I hope that they don't treat me that much different. I don't know how to explain it.
The other thing is that. I have wanted nothing more than to be alone all night. I want to go to my room, and relax. I don't want to be around my family. But I am scared what my parents will think if I do that. So I have had to stay in the living room watching TV all night. I would much rather be in my room reading. I just want to be alone, because I feel safer. I am worried that I will say the wrong thing, or that they will say something. I want to be alone where i don't have to try and act happy. I want to be alone so that I can cry. I want to be alone, where i can just be me. I don't know, this is just a lot of stress right now.
I am not sure what all Mike told them. But I am kinda worried. He never really said if he was going to tell them just about my SI, or about my eating problems too. I think he only told them about my SI. I am going to try and talk to him Sunday about it, because it is worrying me a lot.
I need sleep, but I am so stressed. I don't except to sleep well right now. To many things to worry about. I am trying not to stress about everything, but I am so scared too. I don't know, I am not doing so great right now...
Yeah, Sorry this is so long. lol, and that i rambled quite a bit.
Bethany
So I called him. I have never talked to him about my SI off the internet. So that phone call was so hard to make. But I called, and he was really understanding
. and quite easy to talk to about it. I told him that I didn't feel that I was ready. But he said "Bethany I promiss you this will work out for the best. and no matter what, Mollie, Ambry, and I will still be here to support you. So what do you think?" I said "I don't know Mike I am scared" and he said " so why don't you just trust me that this is what is best for you right now. I really think that this is the right thing to do". So we talked about it a while longer, and I finally agreed. Mike called them around 6, I could hear bits and pieces of the convo, and it didn't sound like it was going to well. But they know now. It is strange tho. I thought for sure that right after they got off the phone with Mike, they would want to talk to me about it. And Mike told me to be expecting that. But they haven't said a word to me. Which, kinda is a relief, and kinda makes me worried. I am worried, because I am now scared to be alone in a room with them because I am scared they are going to bring it up. But I am happy, because they haven't flipped out yet. It is weird tho. Earlier, my sister was watching this show, Degrassi, and on of the girls on there is a cutter. Well the girl told her mom about it, and my dad just gives me this look
. I don't know what to think of it. I was scared that dad was going to say something to me, but he just turned around and went right back to his work like nothing happened. The one thing that I have noticed, is that they haven't said anything rude to me. Like, I made mac and cheese for dinner, and I left the pot on the stove while I was eating. Normally, they would have yelled at me and told me to clean it up. But they didn't say a word to me. After I was done eating, I went and rinsed my plate, and the pot, and mom thanked me . She thanked me for cleaning it up, and making dinner. It was strange. Sarah called to check up on me (I told her earlier Mike's plans) and I told her about that I and she said that they most likely feel guilty, so they are walking on egg-shells so they don't set me off. Makes sense, but I really don't want that. I mean, I like that they are being nice and all, but I hope that they don't treat me that much different. I don't know how to explain it. The other thing is that. I have wanted nothing more than to be alone all night. I want to go to my room, and relax. I don't want to be around my family. But I am scared what my parents will think if I do that. So I have had to stay in the living room watching TV all night. I would much rather be in my room reading. I just want to be alone, because I feel safer. I am worried that I will say the wrong thing, or that they will say something. I want to be alone where i don't have to try and act happy. I want to be alone so that I can cry. I want to be alone, where i can just be me. I don't know, this is just a lot of stress right now.
I am not sure what all Mike told them. But I am kinda worried. He never really said if he was going to tell them just about my SI, or about my eating problems too. I think he only told them about my SI. I am going to try and talk to him Sunday about it, because it is worrying me a lot.
I need sleep, but I am so stressed. I don't except to sleep well right now. To many things to worry about. I am trying not to stress about everything, but I am so scared too. I don't know, I am not doing so great right now...
Yeah, Sorry this is so long. lol, and that i rambled quite a bit.
Bethany
