my ocd battles

[drummingman]

im a musician and i have this battle where i feel like God takes away drums and music from me because of the awful thoughts that i think and get in my mind and because of the awful things that i feel like i do. a lot of the times i get very confused as to wheather the thoughts are me or the ocd and the devil. i also cant tell if it really is me or not doing anything wrong with my middle finger towards God. i know that i dont want to think the awful thoughts that i think and i know that i dont want to do anything with my middle finger towards God. but i always end up in these battles about the awful thoughts and about the middle finger.
tonight has been real bad for me. earlyer tonight when i was working i felt like i gave God the middle finger in realation to music and drums. i get this type of middle finger thing all the time but because tonight it was in realation to music and drums i feel like God might have taken music and drums away from me. because of this i have been very depressed and angry tonight. i feel like i cant get anywhere in my life because everytime i get to where i feel like God has given music and drums back to me i always end up thinking or having bad thoughts or i feel like i may have given God the middle finger. this stuff is killing me because i cant stop doing these things even though i dont want to do these things.
like i said, i feel like i cant get anywhere in my life because i keep feeling like God is taking away drums and music because of my awful sins. i really need all of your prayers and thoughts because of what pain and struggle this stuff is putting me through.

 

[marcb]

This is a tough battle. You obviously love God and want to please Him. Do you think that your runaway and unwanted thoughts are separating you from God?

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38, 39 {nor ocd...}

It is impossible to have an objective opinion about ourselves, but nonetheless many of us ocd'ers tend to sit in judgement of these thoughts....that may be the only real sin - for it is for Christ to judge. Therefore, let's try and pray for our just God to de-throne our self-judgement (which is inaccurately painted by our inability to even understand ourselves).

Go worship the LORD by playing your drums; He has obviously given you a gift. Enjoy.

Nor ocd....

 

[gracealone]

Hi Drummingman,
First off I understand what you mean by the pain and suffering these things are causing you. It's intense and very hard to bear.
I find that the only way to deal with these severe attacks of OCD. (yep - it is OCD), is to take them apart in such a way that we recognize that no matter what we are feeling -fear, anxiety, mental anguish - these are all the manifestations of a disorder which causes part of our brain to misfire. This can be compared to a broken smoke detector that keeps blaring an alarm when there's really no fire. The smoke alarm may be able to give us such a start that we practically jump out of our skin in response to it but that response does not make it true that there is really a fire.
So basically you have a malfunctioning alarm system. So any or all momentary doubtful, intrusive or unwanted thoughts,(called spikes) that enter into your subconscious mind will cause your alarm system to go off when it shouldn't be. This of course causes you to, as you put it, "feel" like these thoughts might be valid, might be actual wildfires that could destroy you if you don't put them out. But the fact is that there is no fire, nothing that really needs to be put out. The problem is the alarm - our fight or flight response - keeps going off anyway. This causes us to continually "Feel" that we really have to find a way to put out the fire. This is represented by our compulsive mental debating, arguing and trying to solve or get certainty/reassurance about the spikes.
So with you - these unwanted intrusive thoughts/spikes trigger your faulty alarm system and in your search for the fire you start to think that you are the arsenist because the thoughts popped up within your own subconcious mind. So then you think that you will be punished. But deep down you know the alarm system is broken, that it's lying to you. It's just so very hard to ignore it's blaring though.
The only way to deal with this is to accept that fact that the alarm is broken and that it's going off inappropriately. To recognize that if it weren't broken these thoughts would not be able to have such a startle effect on you. So if the warning is invalid, so are the thoughts. If they are invalid than you have to force yourself to just let them be. Otherwise you will spend endless hours fighting the imaginary flames and the longer and harder you fight/ruminate about them the harder it becomes to convince yourself that they aren't valid. You and I and all who suffer from OCD are constantly allowing ourselves to be tortured by the fear of fires that don't really exist. Sometimes we pick up a fire extinguisher,(mild anxiety), a garden hose,(moderate anxiety), or we call in the whole darn fire department,(intense anxiety.)
Whatever you do, don't stop playing the drums, even if to do so triggers the alarm. This would be like leaving your house to sleep on the street because you're worried that it might be on fire - when it really isn't. You would be giving up the blessing of shelter just because of an invalid doubt or fear.
I'll be praying for you. I don't want to give the impression that I don't fight these imagined fires from time to time either. I totally relate to just how difficult it is to call off the fire fighters while the alarm is blasting.
God Bless,
Mitzi

 

[QUannie]

Drummingman,
I am so sorry for your struggle brother! I began to cry as I read your post! I know it hurts and I know how you feel!! I will pray for you! I am struggling /obsessing right now about forgiving others. Making sure that I am forgiving others enough.......its like beating a dead horse!
I wish I had some wise words for you, all I can say is Jesus sees our pain....He knows what we are going through! I am in need of prayer too!
Keep playing your drums....push through! I'm praying for you!
Take care,
Q

 

[drummingman]

thnak you all so much for all of your responses. i want you all to know that i will be praying for all of you as well.
it is very hard for me because a lot of the times i do feel like God has taken away drums and music from me because of the awful thoughts in my head and because of the awful things that i feel like i do with my middle fingers. a lot of the times this things really feel like its me thinking them and it really feels like its me doing these awful things with my middle fingers. i get so confused that if its not me i cant tell, and then a lot of the times (like now) i feel like God takes away drums and music from me as unishment because of the thoughts and because of the things i feel like i do towards him with my middle fingers. and when i praying asking God tp please give drums and music back if it be his will to i get awful thoughts and i get the middles fingers thing and i get othet thongs as well at times. same goes for when i beg God to let me know if he has not taken drums and music from me. so because of the awful thoughts and because of the awful things that i feel like i do 99% of the time i feel like God does not do what im begging him to do for me. so until i can get through my prayer in a way that i feel like God has done what i have begged i keep praying for God to give music and drums back to me over and over again through out the day and night. same goes for begging God to let me know if he has not taken away drums and music. ( i praying both of those things, begging God to give drums and music back and begging God to let me know if he has not taken away drums and music, in the same prayers).
my whole viw of God is so messed up. i veiw God as someone who punishes all the time. i also try to view God as someone who forgives all the time as well. but i jest get so messed up. i can say that i believe that God has forgiven me for all my sins when i beg for forgivness, but at the same time a lot of the times i still feel like God is still punishing me for my sins (if its even really me committing those sins).
please keep prayin for me and please keep talking with me about these things.

 

[OptimisticSmile]

when you say you fear that drums and music have been taken away what exactly do you mean. How are drums and music taken away. what is it like when the drums and music is there, what is it like when you feel drums and music have been taken away.

 

[drummingman]

when i feel like God has taken away drums and music from me i feel like its wrong for me to play the drums or to practice the drums and for me to listen to drums and music. i even feel like its wrong for me to think about songs or to tap my hands or feet in a drumming pattern.
when i feel like God has given me drums and music back and when i feel like God has not taken drums and music i feel like its ok for me to play the drums and practice the dums and think about music and drums.
on another subject that i have a lot of problems with is eating. i have the hardest time eating. i may say that i will eat healthy and then change my mind but then when i beg God to let me eat anything that i want to eat, healthy or not, i get awful thoughts and the middle finger things and then i feel like God is not doing what im begging for because of the awful thoughts and because of the middle finger things. so i have to keep praying asking God to make it ok for me to eat anything over and over again. but if i eat before i feel like God has made it ok for me to eat anything i feel like i may lose my salvation because of the thoughts and because i feel like i may have done wrong with my middle fingers. its hard for me to push through it because im afraid that if i just push through it i may lose my salvation or i feel like im doing something wrong and then i fear that God may take something away from me as punishment.
between all of this it makes life so hard.

 

[drummingman]

as is i hope that if God has not taken drums and music away from me that he will let me know by monday so that i can start practicing again. or if God has taken drums and music away from me i hope that he will give them back by monday. i just get so confused to where i really cant tell if God has taken drums and music away or not. God out of his mercy may have not even taken away drums and music but i feel like he has because of feeling like i gave God the middle finger the other day in realtion to drums and music. i mean, how could God not take away drums and music if i gave him the middlw finger in realation to drums and music? i know that i have begged for forgiveness if i gave God the middle finger and i do believe that God has forgiven me if i gave him the middle finger in any way. but i still feel like God might have taken away drums and music.
i dont know how can really help me. i know that God can help me but because of the thoughts and the things that i feel like i do that is wrong i feel like God does not do what i beg for him to do for me.

 

[OptimisticSmile]

wow . That sounds like me sometimes when I think about marriage. I often beat myself up and think its wrong even idolartry for me to think of marriage despite God giving me biblical desire for marriage and the fact that I have had confirmation that it is in his plan.

 

[gracealone]

Hi Drummingman:
I want to respond to your comments in a clinical way rather than in a way where I would be suggesting to you that your problems are spirtual in nature. This means looking at what you are experiencing as a manifestation of your OCD and not as a manifestation of percieved sin.
This means that I am not going to offer up any reassuring comments to you about whether or not God is taking your drums/music away or not. This is because reassurance only feeds our OCD and our continual search for reassurance or certainty is what keeps driving the OCD machine. I'm not a professional and if you aren't already seeing someone to treat your OCD you really should consider doing so. What I'm offering here is only my opinion about what has helped me in dealing with my own OCD. So here goes....

You said:
as is i hope that if God has not taken drums and music away from me that he will let me know by monday so that i can start practicing again.

Here you are demanding certainty about something that you can never have certainty about. So you have to decide that it's OK to live with this uncertainty. You have to let it reside in your consciousness. Let it be there and no matter how intense the anxiety feelings are you have to choose to not let them drive you into trying to obtain certainty.

You said:
or if God has taken drums and music away from me i hope that he will give them back by monday.

The "if" in this statement is there only because the anxiety/doubt that you feel in connection with it makes you "feel" that it must be a valid fear. Remember that OCD is called "the doubting disease."

You said:
i just get so confused to where i really cant tell if God has taken drums and music away or not.

That is totally correct - you can't really tell nor can I nor can any one else. So you have to be willing to just push ahead and play the drums any way - even with the uncertainty, fear and anxiety that accompanies it.

You Said:
God out of his mercy may have not even taken away drums and music but i feel like he has because of feeling like i gave God the middle finger the other day in realtion to drums and music.

This is really not about what God is or isn't going to do. It's all about the feelings of doubt, uncertainty and anxiety that OCD thrusts upon it's victims.


You said:
i know that i have begged for forgiveness if i gave God the middle finger and i do believe that God has forgiven me if i gave him the middle finger in any way.

Yes.. just like all of us with OCD we know deep down that these things really aren't true or valid.. but....

YOu Said:
but i still feel like God might have taken away drums and music.

The anxiety that accompanies these doubtful thoughts of "what if I gave God the middle finger, or what if he's punishing me/taking away my drums/music ?" is what drives you to continue to try find some sort of certainty one way or another. So if the anxiety settles down for a bit than you are able to go back to the drums but if the thoughts come back, (these thoughts are called spikes) and you start giving them your undivided attention then the anxiety will come rushing back in and you will begin the circular pattern of doubt, obsessional debating with the thoughts, searching for certainty etc. which leads to more anxiety and more obsessing.
This is why you must retrain yourself by practicing exposure/response. You have to just let the thoughts come into your head and then just ignore them - even though to do so at first will intensify those anxious feelings. You stop playing the drums because you find it very uncomfortable to do so while these thoughts are in your head. This is the classic avoidance behavior that OCD causes in so many of us. Instead you have to do just the opposite. Keep playing the drums, (this is exposure) and acknowledge that although the thoughts are there and that they cause you intense anxiety that they are not really valid and therefore you are just going to ignore them, this is the proper (response).

i dont know how can really help me.

What has helped me is firstly to be able to recognize that these things are based in OCD, a real biological disorder and are not based in a spiritual problem.
People without OCD have some really strange, intrusive and unwanted thoughts pop into their heads too. But they are able to just shrug them off and get on with life. People with OCD have an over the top anxiety response to these unwanted thoughts and therefore the thoughts take on a far more threatening nature. Because of this abnormal anxiety response they are not able to just shrug them off but the thoughts can become obsessions as the person desperately tries to undo them or rid themselves of them.
So we have to learn to treat them as a manifestation of a disorder and then apply the proven medically based techniques - exposure/response therapy and also ,depending on how severly it is impacts our ablility to lead a normal life, possibly medication.

I'm praying for you Drummingman. It's no easy thing to overcome this beast. I'm not at all suggesting that it is.
God Bless,
Mitzi

 

[drummingman]

thanks mitzi for your post and thoughts.
as is i have been able to practice and play the drums and listen to music. this has been awesome!!! but i still battle with fear that im going to do something wrong and then God is going to punish me by taking away music and drums.
i am seeing a therapist and i do take meds for my ocd.

 

[drummingman]

one minuet i can be fine and then the next i can be all messed up feeling like God has taken away drums and music because of a awful sin that i have committed. how can i join a band and get my music career going when one minuet i feel like i can play drums and listen to music and then the next i dont know if i committed an awful sin and then feel like God has taken away drums and music because of the awful sin? this is a real problem for me that i really need help with.

 

[drummingman]

does anyone have any thoughts on my last post? i ask because this issue of not knowing if it was me or not that committed a awful sin against God has got me stuck and i dont know what to do. i ask myself, if i did sin in such an awful way against God by giving God the middle finger in realation to drums and music how could God not take those things away? i have begged for forgivness if i did commit this awaful sin, and i do believe that God has forgiven me, but i dont know if God has taken drums and music away if it was really me that committed this awful sin.
i have been begging God to let me know if he has not taken away drums and music or to please give drums and music back to me, if it be his will to, if he has taken drums and music. i just really need help with all of this.

 

[gracealone]

Drummingman,
You have two options -
1.Give in to the OCD by :
a. Avoiding playing your music because to do so causes the OCD spiking thoughts which in turn causes anxiety.
b. Spend hours and hours ruminating and torturing yourself by trying to solve or get certainty over the question of whether or not you sinned because of the spiking thoughts and middle finger thing.
c. Keep seeking reassurance over the whole matter.

All of the things in option 1. will reinforce and feed the cycle of OCD. (And this is OCD - I think you know that.)

2. Don't let the OCD bully you around instead -
a. Keep on playing your music and expect that the thoughts about the middle finger etc. will indeed pop into your head from time to time. This is called exposure.
b. When the anxiety comes don't be surprised by it. Expect it.
c.Then just say "this is only the anxiety center in my brain misfiring and trying to grab onto something to be freaked out about. I'm just going to ignore the thoughts like so much static on the radio. I'm not going to fight against them or try to solve them no matter how anxious or uncertain they make me feel. As a matter of fact I'm just going to go ahead and live with uncertainty." This is the proper response.

Option two is the only way in which I ever begin to find my way out of the web of my own OCD thought patterns. It's not easy at first but with time your brain will become habituated to the presence of the thoughts as you just allow them to be there without giving them the attention they are demanding. Your brain is trying to throw a tantrum and the only way to get it to stop is to just ignore it.

I'm still praying for you buddy.
Mitzi

 

[drummingman]

thanks so much for your post mitzi.

 

[gracealone]

thanks so much for your post mitzi.

You're welcome friend. Keep on keeping on.
Mitzi

 

[drummingman]

a lot of the times i will blurt out words to try to knock out the awful thoughts that i get in my head. but a lot of the times this causes me major problems. this is what happens, when i say something out loud to knock out the thoughts that i get in my head i feel like God holds me to the things that i say that i dont want to be held to. this is an example, not to long ago i said the words "crazy feet". i said these words to try to keep bad thoughts from coming into my head. so when i said the words "crazy feet" i got it in my head that i said that i would not play crazy or fast foot patterns on the drums. well, me being a drummer that likes to play crazy and fast foot patterns on the drums this caused me a lot of problems. so for a number of days i had to pray and beg God to forgive me if i said that i would not play crazy and fast foot patters on my feet. but this is where the major problem came in. every time i would pray begging God to not hold me to not being able to play crazy or fast patterns on my feet i would get awful thoughts and the stuff about my middle fingers and other stuff. so because of this i felkt like God was not doing what i was begging him to do for me. so i had to keep praying and praying the same thing over and over again. thank God he helped me to get out of the problem but now im back in another problem that has got me going round and round all over again. its the same type of thing its just i said a different word trying to block out the awful thoughts and know i have been begging God to not hold me to the word that i said and to allow me to do what i want to be able to do no matter what i said. but when i pray and beg God for this i am gatting the awful thoughts and all that stuff. so i feel like God is not doing what im begging him to do for me because of the awful thoughts and everything else that happens when i pray.
when im in a situation like this i feel trapped. i pray and i pray trying to get the thing off of me but i cant because i feel like God is not doing the things that im begging him to do because of the awful thoughts and everything else that happens when i pray about the problem that im in. i want to believe that God is doing what im begging him to do for me even though i get the awful thoughts and the other stuff because i cant keep the thoughts and other stuff from happening.
i really really need help with this stuff.
thanks

 

[BeccaLynn]

Drummingman,

God gave you the talent to play the drums. He gives people talent and callings and isn't in the business of taking them away. Somehow OCD is in the business of making us think that if we don't do this or that then we aren't repentant and are unforgiven. But the act, compulsion, is not what grace is all about. Grace is unmerited and undeserved. My compulsion used to be to get down on my knees to pray for forgiveness from terrible thoughts. I tried not to get down on my knees, but if I didn't, I felt that I didn't mean it when I asked for forgiveness. Asking for the forgiveness itself can be a compulsion as well I think. It becomes habitual instead of the act of simply putting it , the whole OCD thing, into God's capable hands. No actions, no doing this or not doing this is going to make it more or less real when it comes to OCD. As hard as it is, what I have heard Mitzi and others say seems to be on target - you've got to just let the thoughts be. They are not valid, no matter how real they try to make you feel they are. You are in my prayers.

Rebecca

 

[drummingman]

thanks rebecca.
my good friend that is a pastor is telling me that this stuff in my head is not real as well. but its so hard for me to tell what God is holding me to or not holding me to. i want to believe that God is not holding me to all this stuff that i keep saying when im trying to fight off the bad thoughts ( i blurt stuff out when im trying to fight off the bad awful thoughts. its not bad stuff that i say but the things that i say i get stuck on. meaning i feel like i say that i wont doing something and then i feel like God holds me to it. then i have to pray and beg God to forgive me for the things that i have said and to please not hold me to the things i said. but as i beg that i get awful thoughts and other things that make me feel like God has not done what i have begged for. so i have to keep begging for the same things over and over trying not to have awful thoughts and trying not to do any bad so that God will do what im begging him to do for me. but because the thoughts and the other bad stuff that i deal with does not stop i feel like God does not do what im begging him for. all of this stuff is all about music and drumming and it has an awful effect on those things to where i feel like i cant do something in the area of music and drumming. so im not able to do what i want to because of all of this stuff. and this makes very very depressed and worn out and sometimes angry.
i really hope that you all dont stop talking with me about this stuff out of frustration. i just get so messed up and confused when dealing with this stuff. and its just one things after the other.

 

[drummingman]

i had a really bad night tonight. a lot of the times i will say things out loud to try to block the awful thoughts that i get in my head. but when i do this i feel like God holds me to not doing things because of the things that i say. then i feel like i have to pray to be forgiven for the things that i have said so that i can the things that i want to do. but when i pray for the forgivness i get more awful thoughts and all kinds of other bad things that makes me feel like God does not do what im begging him to do for me. so i get stuck and feel like i cant get out of these situations.
tonight i just lost it because of these battles in my head. i said some really dumb things that that i have been begging for God to forgive me for. i really hope that my walk with God and my salvation is ok.