My Moccasins

[exitstageright]

There is a Native American Saying that goes like this," Don't judge a man till you have walked two moons in his moccasins."

While at work,I saw in a scientific journal,an ad for single scientists,as myself.Would one expect a woman scientist,who is supposed to be enlightened and logical, to pre-judge someone she did not know? Well....I need some feed back. Is she being reasonable,fair,and right? She had NO idea ,that when I was growing up,that many black girls called me "ugly".She had no idea,that as an educated young black man,young black women would "take my kindness as a weakness",while rejecting me.


This is what she wrote to me.

S....., thank you for taking the time to write. You seem like such a wonderful person. But so many women spend too much of their lives alone because of this society's ideas about what constitutes beauty and value. Black women in particular are overlooked.



We are more than ourselves, more than our narrow, short-term self-interest. In dating a black man, I would act against the interests of black women as whole. And I would also diminish myself.



I wish you every good thing in this life, but I just cannot explore the possibilities with you. I know better. I know how much women suffer from loneliness. You don't know. I understand. It's a complicated world. One human being can't know everything.



God bless and take care,

XXXX
I told her that she owed black women .......NOTHING! Am I right or wrong?

 

[dayhiker]

That's a very twisted way to look at things in my mind. I really don't get it.

 

[exitstageright]

That's a very twisted way to look at things in my mind. I really don't get it.

I do not get it,either. That is why I am so preplexed by what she wrote.

 

[mjmcmillan]

Never criticize another man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins. By that time, you'll be a mile away and he'll be barefoot.

Sorry, had to put that corny joke in there. About the subject: I suspect the woman had no idea what she was talking about. A black woman diminishing herself if she dates a black man-- is that what I just read??? On what planet does this happen?

 

[exitstageright]

Never criticize another man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins. By that time, you'll be a mile away and he'll be barefoot.

Sorry, had to put that corny joke in there. About the subject: I suspect the woman had no idea what she was talking about. A black woman diminishing herself if she dates a black man-- is that what I just read??? On what planet does this happen?

I am sorry that I did not make this clear from the begining. She is from the Seattle area. When I visited Seattle,I noticed that a lot of white women were with black men. I am black. The lady who e-mailed me back is white. We have our photos posted on this single scientists website. In one dance club,in Seattle,a white woman passed by me and said,"You're cute!" A black woman has NEVER said that to me.

 

[dayhiker]

SO she was a racist then is how I'd read it since she is white. Tho I have seen way more white women with black men than the other way around. But I don't know why that is.

 

[singlewv2011]

It sounds like she is trying to intellectually justify the fact that she does not want to date outside of her own race. I don't know that I would call it racism, necessarily, a lot of people prefer to date/marry their own race. I would have been a lot more impressed if she had just said that, though, rather than trying to use the excuse she did. It may have been a misguided attempt to let you down easily.

 

[exitstageright]

It sounds like she is trying to intellectually justify the fact that she does not want to date outside of her own race. I don't know that I would call it racism, necessarily, a lot of people prefer to date/marry their own race. I would have been a lot more impressed if she had just said that, though, rather than trying to use the excuse she did. It may have been a misguided attempt to let you down easily.

Yes, If she told me that she did not want to date outside of her race,I would accept that and not be offened.As Mr.Spock would say,"That would be logical". But,all of this other stuff is maybe just a smoke screen. It is amazing how some adults are afraid to express themselves. What is she afraid of? My initials are S.W., and NOT O.J.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Maybe it isn't that she feels that she owes black women anything, maybe she just isn't up to the challenges that come along with white women dating black men. Maybe she can't handle how she would feel around other black women. I know, I know, you're gonna say it's an unwarranted stereotype, but there are black men (that I have known from my past in real life) that want to date white women because they view them as some sort of trophy among their peers. Doesn't make it right, but not everyone is up to the challenge of being in an inter-racial relationship. The comment she made about diminishing herself seems either ignorant or racist IMO.
Question: Because I am curious (I know curiosity killed the cat ). Are you willing at all to date a black woman, or are you only interested in white woman? What about other races? Just curious that's all.

 

[exitstageright]

Maybe it isn't that she feels that she owes black women anything, maybe she just isn't up to the challenges that come along with white women dating black men. Maybe she can't handle how she would feel around other black women. I know, I know, you're gonna say it's an unwarranted stereotype, but there are black men (that I have known from my past in real life) that want to date white women because they view them as some sort of trophy among their peers. Doesn't make it right, but not everyone is up to the challenge of being in an inter-racial relationship. The comment she made about diminishing herself seems either ignorant or racist IMO.
Question: Because I am curious (I know curiosity killed the cat ). Are you willing at all to date a black woman, or are you only interested in white woman? What about other races? Just curious that's all.

Maybe you are right about her being ignorant or racist. In California,people generally do not stare at inter-racial couples. Since I am also an actor,I am used to people looking or staring at me.

Yes,right now,I am only interested in dating a white woman. If you knew my past,you would understand why. As one lady told me," Well.... it seems in general,that white women think you are hot,and black women think you are not."
It is ironic that she told me that. Both black and white women have told me that I am "nice." Only white women have told me that I am "hot".
Asian women have always liked me.As a matter of fact,I was married to an Asian 25 years ago today,on Saturday,February 14,1987.
When I go on vacations, I meet Aussie women who REALLY like me!

 

[blackribbon]

Yes, If she told me that she did not want to date outside of her race,I would accept that and not be offened.As Mr.Spock would say,"That would be logical". But,all of this other stuff is maybe just a smoke screen. It is amazing how some adults are afraid to express themselves. What is she afraid of? My initials are S.W., and NOT O.J.

She was saying she doesn't date black men...it really doesn't matter what the reason is, does it? This wasn't personal because she doesn't know you personally. It isn't acceptable to say this directly...and maybe she was even trying to justify it to herself. I'd say "her loss" for limiting her choices.

I was wondering how I'd respond if I was asked out by a black skinned man. I do find some very attractive however, I don't know that I'd be willing to deal with the raised eyebrows that would come with it. Sad but true. But there are a number of other characteristics in other men that I'd not be willing to deal with societies perceptions either. I don't know...does that make me evil or just honest.

 

[blackribbon]

I am not a thin woman...I wouldn't waste my time trying to convince a man who prefers being around thin woman to change his mind. I want someone who feels comfortable accepting me as I am. We all have preferences that "just are" and may not have any real reason for them.

 

[singlewv2011]

I was wondering how I'd respond if I was asked out by a black skinned man. I do find some very attractive however, I don't know that I'd be willing to deal with the raised eyebrows that would come with it. Sad but true. But there are a number of other characteristics in other men that I'd not be willing to deal with societies perceptions either. I don't know...does that make me evil or just honest.

There is more than the raised eyebrows. I guess maybe children aren't a factor depending on the age of the couple, but my kids are multi-racial and it's caused a lot of problems. I also had 3 beautiful step daughters who were half-black, and the amount of racism we encountered was ridiculous. That sort of thing is much more accepted these days, but where I live it is still pretty backwards. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids (lol), but you do have to consider what your kids might have to suffer if you marry a different race. I would not judge anyone for choosing either way.

Here is another consideration, Exit. Even though interracial dating is very accepted and even the "in" thing to do now, women our age are from a different time and are more old-fashioned and traditional. They were raised when those sort of things were still taboo, and sometimes those ingrained beliefs are hard to overcome. It's obvious that you feel frustrated and rejected when these women aren't interested, but it really isn't personal. I think this is proven by the fact that Aussies are really into you, there isn't nearly that stigma in that society. You may be setting yourself up for failure by targetting a very difficult demographic with all factors considered.

 

[exitstageright]

There is more than the raised eyebrows. I guess maybe children aren't a factor depending on the age of the couple, but my kids are multi-racial and it's caused a lot of problems. I also had 3 beautiful step daughters who were half-black, and the amount of racism we encountered was ridiculous. That sort of thing is much more accepted these days, but where I live it is still pretty backwards. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids (lol), but you do have to consider what your kids might have to suffer if you marry a different race. I would not judge anyone for choosing either way.

Here is another consideration, Exit. Even though interracial dating is very accepted and even the "in" thing to do now, women our age are from a different time and are more old-fashioned and traditional. They were raised when those sort of things were still taboo, and sometimes those ingrained beliefs are hard to overcome. It's obvious that you feel frustrated and rejected when these women aren't interested, but it really isn't personal. I think this is proven by the fact that Aussies are really into you, there isn't nearly that stigma in that society. You may be setting yourself up for failure by targetting a very difficult demographic with all factors considered.

Well,as far as bi-racial children are concerned,I am sure tha Tiger Woods' bi-racial kids will not have a tough time in our society. Although it is wrong to br greedy,money does changes a lot of things in our society.
You are right about our age group. Some women my age are old fashioned.Yes,when I was in my twenties,I thought that inter-racial relationships were wrong. Back then,I would turn white women down.Black women,my "own kind",would turn me down. It IS easier for me to take rejection from a white woman. I can use the logic that she is prejudiced.But when a black woman turned me down,I could not understand it,at that time.
People always told me that I was a good man. Well, If I was so good back then,why did I not get picked by a smart black woman who had a lot going for herself?
Now,there has been so much pyschological and emotional damage over the past forty years. I can no longer get sexually excited when I am around a black woman. Now,if a smart black woman,who has a lot going for herself,is interested in me,it would not be fair to her to try to start a relationship,because I would not be able to satisfy her. I am not bragging,but NO woman,who has seen me naked,has ever laughed at me,or was disappointed. Now,I am just emtionally burned out and only certain women can turn me on.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Go for the Aussie's then . Seriously though I think you have to get rid of that chip on your shoulder before moving forward in any relationship. I don't say that to be mean, but you are always saying how black women hurt you so deeply. I know they did, I get that, but, and this is just a friendly suggestion, maybe that is holding you back from some white women as well? I mean it really doesn't matter about skin color when we are talking about baggage. By that I mean that you need to be able to let go of the past in order to move forward (easier said than done, I know). I'm just sayin that you might inadvertantly be giving off some "vibe" about being hurt in the past that makes any woman want you and maybe you aren't even aware you're doing it.
Personally I think you might just be trying too hard in some respects and not too hard in other respects (like waiting to call) and that is JMO so please take it with a grain of salt and don't be mad at me. I think you probably are a great guy and I only said probably, cuz I have never met you in person.

 

[blackribbon]

And basically, that is what this woman scientist was telling you...there is nothing wrong with you, you just don't meet her unique "turn on" requirements.

Exit...there is nothing wrong with you...you just haven't found the right woman yet.

While you are waiting, can I suggest that you read "how to have a great marriage" type of books (Christian ones!) so that you are ready when you do meet her. I don't doubt that she is out there for you...your longing is so strong. Instead of looking so hard, focus on preparing yourself for that special one that is hopefully also getting prepared for you.

Honestly, the hard part isn't meeting someone...it is keeping it going once you do...and recognizing when it is time to walk away from a less than good fit.

 

[singlewv2011]

Seriously though I think you have to get rid of that chip on your shoulder before moving forward in any relationship. I don't say that to be mean, but you are always saying how black women hurt you so deeply. I know they did, I get that, but, and this is just a friendly suggestion, maybe that is holding you back from some white women as well?

This!

I read the TWHJ forums because of mild disassociation issues, and there are a lot of women on that site who have been through almost unbelievable horrific abuse. I was amazed at how many are lesbians, until I realized that it's not so much that they are into other women, but they can't bear the thought of a man ever touching them because it would trigger horrible memories. This is an extreme example, but I think you are suffering from a very similar situation.

I understand. I stuttered so bad through school that I had no friends and no girlfriends. I know rejection and the effects very well. But we have to get over these things if we are ever going to move on. They are anchors to our past that prevent our future.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I just read this on FB "A bad attitude is like a flat tire, you can't go anywhere until you change it".

Please don't misunderstand exit, I am not saying you have a bad attitude at all, but you do have some bad feelings that are still affecting you, hence your inability to date black women, so again, grain of salt?

 

[exitstageright]

I just read this on FB "A bad attitude is like a flat tire, you can't go anywhere until you change it".

Please don't misunderstand exit, I am not saying you have a bad attitude at all, but you do have some bad feelings that are still affecting you, hence your inability to date black women, so again, grain of salt?

I am not mad at you. I am sad today.
Well...the ONLY reason that I brought up my past,was to illustrate to her,that black men have been hurt also.
I did meet a woman at my church's singles Bible study about ten years ago,before I met my ex. I thought we got along well.Yes,she was white.She seemed hesistant to go into another relationship.So,we went our separate ways. After I got married,I saw her again. She was engaged. Now,over three years later,she got a divorced from an abusive husband. I thought to myself,"she did not pick me,who treated her well,BUT,she picked this jerk!"
She became a girlfriend of one of my friends. Now,I feel so bad for my friend.
This woman,who may have been "right for me",passed away on this Valentine's Day,yesterday,of liver cancer. Now my friend will have the memory of Valentine's Day,as the day his sweetheart died.
She loved music.She loved to dance,the same as I do,and she loved life.
Yes,there has been pain in my life. My brother wonders why I love to travel and to go on cruises. My thing is,when life gives you lemons,just make lemonade. So traveling is my lemonade. Life,to me is like a dance.You can enjoy yourself,but it is MORE fun with a PARTNER.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

sorry about your friend and the girl he lost. I often think about what if my dad had stayed married to my mom.....he would have been a widower. I guess it wasn't God's plan for her to be yours.
You know we all hate it when people stereotype, but we also seem to overlook it when it is us doing the stereotyping. Just because alot of black women hurt you in the past, I don't think you should just generalize that all black women would continue to do this in your future. You can't help what was done in the past, but it IS in the past. Hakuna Matata, as they say, no worries for the rest of your days.

Remember the movie The Lion King? In it Simba runs into this monkey named Rafiki. He tries to tell Simba that he can't always run away from his past. But Simba wont listen, so Rafiki has to show him instead of tell him. Rafiki hits him on the head with his stick. Simba says "What was that for?" Rafiki says back "What does it matter? Its in the past." Simba answeres " Ya, but it still hurts." Rafiki replies, "What happens in the past may still hurts if not takin care of."
I know it's a kid's movie but we could all do better if we could put our hurts behind us for real.