Seekmuch, let me just add my two cents here. I'm on Latuda right now (20mg) for bipolar after years of taking Abilify. Before that I was on Seroquel and before that, Risperdal. Of all the antipsychotics, Latuda has been the best in terms of side effects. In fact, this is the first time in my life (I was diagnosed 7 years ago) that I feel zero side effects and have felt none this entire year, while losing 50 lbs and feeling pretty good up until a few months ago. Unfortunately, the Latuda stopped working. Now, I'm in a position where I'm very creative, very inspired, and very much seeing into the "spiritual world" (most of which is delusional, as I've had strange psychotic thoughts that I've had to run by close family to see if they are rational, and they are not). I can tell you, especially since I have to type notes to myself about my treatment instead of writing them, because my handwriting has gotten so bad. I can tell you that it is better to be slightly numbed than to be psychotic. I am unable to work, and unable to court a girl I'm interested in. Would those two things still be the case if I were taking stronger drugs? Probably so. But I'd rather be that person than this one.
The inspiration that comes with bipolar is something we all love, for a short time. When it turns into mania or psychosis or both, it no longer becomes fun after a few weeks. In fact, untreated psychosis has a detrimental effect on the mind. We have, in mental illness, a degenerative sort of illness. I can't compare it to illnesses that are truly degenerative, such as Dementia. But our minds definitely get worse over time. Even without mental illness, that is true. Our minds become less effective and we are less able to learn more complicated tasks, like increasing in foreign language production in speech and understanding rapid, natural speech in a language that is not ours.
We are in a catch 22. There's no solution currently in the psychiatric world. We can live with side effects and have a relatively calm existence, which is very unfulfilling. Or, we can go on very low doses of medication, do well for awhile, descend into psychosis or mania, and wish we were stable in the mind again. It is a horrible situation to be in. I am in a position where I now need to go back to where you currently feel now (medicated, as though you are "cut off from God" and can't feel Him anymore and cut off from your emotions). I longed for so many years to get to where I am now. It actually worked for about a year. But bipolar disorder is an evolving illness. It can be great one year and horrible the next. Unfortunately, there is no consistent game plan for treating this illness.
I wish you hope and recovery and belief that God loves you no matter what and cares for you. I wish I had an answer but I don't.
I understand. Thank you for the lovely reply. I take the lowest dose of Risperdal I can. I had to get off Latuda since I can no longer afford it. It's like $1300 a month. I was getting it free from the drug company, but my thing expired and the hurricane happened and I had to go to something cheap until I can apply again. I'm starting to get my emotions back since on a low dose, and I skip a dose on off days from work. If the pills were bigger, I'd cut them in half and go to half a milligram. I'm pretty stable and was fine for years off meds. For me, one milligram of Risperdal is like a fly in a hurricane. I need just enough to take the edge off.
I actually felt infatuation for someone the other day for the first time in 2 years. I'm going to experiment with lower doses. My shrink thinks I can get off drugs entirely and take something else rather than an anti-psychotic. God has been working some things out with me. It's been really subtle. Before, he did it with a whiz bang and I resisted. It was too much too soon. We've had some epic fights. I said, "You're God and can't figure this out?!!!" LOL
I actually don't want to be cured since my Bipolar is mostly mania. My depression is more needling and not dark. I'll get down one day and be right back up the next day. I get a lot of crap, almost wrote a bad word, done and my writing is even more imaginative and raw off meds. I need my full mind to be great at it. I don't like to do anything half-butted (hey, new word). LOL
Oh, a little help for you: when you start thinking Bipolar crap, just stop. Just stop. Don't fight it. Just stop the thoughts. Will it away. It is YOUR mind not someone else's. You need to discipline your mind to think the way YOU WANT IT TO THINK!
Another thing: stop thinking! Empty your head and think of nothing. Yes, you can do it. My mind gave me a dream the other day and said, "You're totally stable so live a little."
If you are depressed, ask why. Write down the why. Or, type it. Don't let your mind dwell on it. Here's a trick: focus your eyes on a spot on the wall and rotate your eyes. If you do that, it is impossible to keep a constant thought in your head. It is EMDR in a nutshell. You can also just move your eyes to something else and it stops a thought. Thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to depression.
Trust me, you don't have to be a zombie to live. You have to train your mind. Bipolar is an unruly mind. Very few people have organic Bipolar (the brain is defective, basically, and requires meds).
If you are having a tough time, take a pill and calm down. Just don't rely on them all the time. Use the calm the pill gives you to force your mind to think that way even when you don't have the pill. Yes, it is possible to train your mind to do exactly that.
And, remember, all mental illness is just too much emotion. All anti-psychotics do is shut down the emotional center of the brain. That's why you feel like a zombie. I told God, "Fix it cause I ain't living like that anymore. No excuses. You're God, figure it out." He will.
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Peace be with you!
Kidding
