My Joke Thread

[Quasar92]

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. the President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00.


Quasar92

 

[Quasar92]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ticked.

She had told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.


Quasar92

 

[Doug Melven]

 

[quidam65]

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. the President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00.


Quasar92

As the Beatles sang: "If 5% appears too small, be thankful we don't take it all"

 

[Quasar92]

A teacher asks her students what religious objects they have in their homes.

One boy answers, "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it."

The next little boy says, "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it."

Then a third boy pipes up, "In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams, 'OH MY GOD!!!'"


Quasar92

 

[Quasar92]

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno, Abe. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me — if there is baseball in heaven.”

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol….”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is Sol,” whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe says, “I got good news and I got bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”


Quasar92

 

[Quasar92]

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."


Quasar92

 

[Quasar92]

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."


Quasar92

 

[Quasar92]

On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."


Quasar92

 

[brie milles]

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Sounds about right.

 

[Quasar92]

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."


Quasar92

 

[Quasar92]

was traveling down the interstate and needed to use the restroom.
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

'Hi, how are you? '

I ' m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don ' t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

'Doin ' just fine! '

And the other person says: 'So what are you up to? '

What kind of question is that? At that point, I ' m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

'Uhhh, I ' m like you, just traveling! '

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

'Can I come over? '

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them

'No..I ' m a little busy right now!!!' Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions

Cell phones, don't you just love them.


Quasar92

 

[Quasar92]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

 

[OldWiseGuy]

The teacher was querying her 1st grade students about saying grace. "What does your father say just before you eat?", she asked. Little Johnny's hand went up immediately. "Yes Johnny, what does your father say?" Johnny replied, "You kids go easy on the butter, it costs 80 cents a pound."


(It's a very old joke.)

 

[Quasar92]

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you musta quit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"


Quasar92

 

[OldWiseGuy]

A cartoon I saw years ago had a patient surrounded by a medical team sitting bolt upright on the operating table with a horrified look on his face saying, "Ooops!", What do you mean "Ooops"?

 

[MoneyGuy]

My wife said that when I was in recovery I was flirting with the nurse.

That doesn't sound at all like me, lol.

 

[Quasar92]

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil creature.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."


Quasar92

 

[Quasar92]

A businessman and a priest were playing golf. The businessman swung his club and missed completely. He swore "Bugger it, I missed!" Hearing this, the priest got annoyed, "Don't swear like that, my son," he admonished.

The businessman duly apologized and promised to be more careful. But it happened again the next time he missed. Again the priest admonished him and again he apologised.


When it happened for the third time, the priest flew into a rage and told him that if he swore again, God will surely punish him for it.

The businessman, really contrite, promised to behave himself. So he took careful aim and swung his club..and missed. As he started to say "Bugg..", there was a loud clap of thunder and a streak of lightning struck the priest dead. Suddenly a voice boomed from the heavens "Bugger it, I missed !"


Quasar92

 

[Quasar92]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's...Father O'Malley!"


Quasar92