My incomplete poem...

[Liza]

I starting writing this, when I was really depressed. The last line doesn't seem right to me... it's quite obvious that it's incomplete, but I just wanted to get your opinions.

"Winged angel of death,
Swoop down upon me.
Steal from me my very last breath.
Close my eyes so I may ne'er again see.
Take my hand, and lead me away...
Over black mountains and shadowy hills.
I want to go where there is no light, nor day.
Longing for night, my lonely heart fills."

 

[texun]

Moved
​

 

[texun]

Moved
​

 

[Liza]

"Longing for night, my lonely heart fills"

Does your heart "fill" or "feel" death's eternal night?
In either case, would you please elaborate?

Actually, I was trying to say that my heart is filling with longing for the night... but like I said previously, that line doesn't sound right.

 

[Liza]

The Longing of Lonely Hearts​

Angel with your wings of death,​

Swoop silently down on me.​

Steal away my parting breath,​

Forever close my eyes that see,​

Take my hand and lead the way,​

Or' black mountains and shadowy dales,​

I long for darkness, no light, nor day,​

Eternal night where loneliness dwells.​

©2003 Liza​

Umm... that's good, but I honestly don't want the poem rewritten. I was just looking for opinions.

 

[Doubledb]

I like your poem but it actually kinda made me feel depressed.. ha ha, which i suppose is good in one sense. How you describe going towards the darkness.. seeing yourself going and not being able to stop....to be lost there forever. Are you maybe refering to hell or just darkness and depression that seems to last forever, that seems it will never end? Do you think there is a light, a chance to get out? or is all lost? just thoughts/questions. i know for me that some of my poems start off depressing but i always seem to get back to Hope in the end, usually refering to Christ and/or heaven. For without hope i am left to wonder what i or anyone else have to look foreward too. Did i ramble too much.. sry if i did...ha ha

Doubledb

-Psalm 27:1-

 

[Liza]

I like your poem but it actually kinda made me feel depressed.. ha ha, which i suppose is good in one sense. How you describe going towards the darkness.. seeing yourself going and not being able to stop....to be lost there forever. Are you maybe refering to hell or just darkness and depression that seems to last forever, that seems it will never end? Do you think there is a light, a chance to get out? or is all lost? just thoughts/questions. i know for me that some of my poems start off depressing but i always seem to get back to Hope in the end, usually refering to Christ and/or heaven. For without hope i am left to wonder what i or anyone else have to look foreward too. Did i ramble too much.. sry if i did...ha ha

Doubledb

-Psalm 27:1-

I was referring to my own depression... how it seems that it would be better to die then battle with it. When I was writing the poem, I felt that there was no light and no way of escape, except for death... but death was depressing, too. The whole poem is basically about inescapable depression.

 

[texun]

Moved
​

 

[Liza]

Liza,

When you wrote:


I offered my opinion by offering back your poem the way it would have read if all my unwritten comments were to have been incorporated:


I did not intend for it to come across as a rewrite. I do not see poems as words, I feel poems as emotions. Words are the necessary bane of poetry and a poets challenge is to minimize how much is lost in the translation in the using of them. I felt your poem and replied as I did. I did not want to be wordy, so I provided the incorporation instead of a wordy opinion. "As a picture is worth a thousand words so a poem is worth as many emotions." By trying to keep your emotions intact I felt like I was keeping your poem intact. In as much, I believed it to still be your poem and not mine. If the complexity of my reasoning has made you to feel your poem has been violated, I now offer you my heart felt apologies.

I'm sorry,

Texun

All is well. No harm done. I was just a bit annoyed that you took my idea and made it sound better than I could. I'm a bit too prideful... I'm working on it, though!

Thank you for giving me your opinion on my poem.