My In Laws hate me...

[ImagoDei]

..... But its cool jk


actually its not cool because Crystal likes her family and wants to spend time with them. I on the other hand dont want to spend anytime with them and if it were not for Crystal I wouldnt want them to influence by child what-so-ever. They have pretty much consistantly said bad things about me since ive been hanging around crystal and now that we are married it has gotten WORSE!! in fact just the other day her mom said something so bad that as a parent it was probably the most insulting thing ill ever hear (and ive been called a mary worshipper a time or too ). After the last comments ive cut my ties with them. I refuse to be around them at all. Am I right in doing that? Im afraid that if they would say something like they said about me the other day that they will say stuff to emily about me when she gets old enough to understand. Mores specifically they are going to have issues with Emily explorering her Catholicness and its really untelling what they may tell her about that. Should I cut all ties and express my feelings in kinda protest? Crystal doesnt seem to want to talk to them about it and wants to avoid the situation entirely. Just looking for advice for some really low down in laws. Anything would be appreciated.

She is your wife. If anyone speaks bad about you they are speaking bad about her. Perhaps they need to be taught about what it means to be united in one flesh.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

perhaps my mother just needs a lesson in manners...and how hers are totally rude what my mother said was bad, i know that and i was mad..for a little while. it doesnt matter what she says or does i just cant stay mad at her...she's my MOTHER! i hate that Ben is so upset with her, but i would be mad if his mom said that about me...i just wish that he wouldn't make me chose because he kinda is but isn't really...for example, i graduate next sunday and we're going out to eat afterwards you know to celebrate one of the most important days of my life...but the 'we' consists of me and my family minus Ben...he refuses to eat with me because my mom is going to be there so in a way i have to chose, if i want him to be there then i have to tell my mom not to come and if i want her there he's not going to come...which really hurts my feelings because i was kinda hoping that he could get over what my mom said long enough to go out and eat with me

 

[geocajun]

I think you both need to quit putting this on an internet forum first, and secondly Crystal, I think you need to honor your husband more than just hoping he'll get over something so you can 'have the most important day of your life' - its just high school graduation, believe me, it only seems important now.
You and Ben are your first priorities, not your parents. You are married to Ben.

 

[colleen]

When my younger brother was only a few months old he was having a lot of lung problems and my parents had to make many trips to the hospital. One time he went blue while my father was at work, and my mom couldn't take my old brother to the hospital because he is severly autistic and was freaking out. She called my grandma to see if she would come over and watch my brother and I while she went to the hospital (my grandma lives two blocks from us.) My grandmothers response was that my brother was autistic because my mother didn't love him enough.

I wish I could say that was the only instance, but my grandma has spent most of my childhood up to today criticizing my mother and her parenting skills. She has said awful things to my mother, but my mom never tried to cut off contact with her. When necessary she has defended herself, but mostly she has just taken it.

We see my grandma a minimum of one time a week, and I love having her in my life. I can now see how mean she is to my mother, but at the same time I recognize that she is a wonderful grandmother and I have a great relationship with her.

Give it time. It might get better it might not, but one day your going to want your child to have a relationship with her grandparents. It will be much harder for you child to bond with their grandparents if you know you don't have a relationship with them.

Colleen

 

[boughtwithaprice]

9 times out of 10 i agree with you on that. BUT they have always been like this toward me it really has nothing to do with us getting married early. besides no one deserves to have someone tell them that they dont want there own child and wont take care of her. but like i said i agree with you i just dont think its the case here..

They are acting with an irrational mind because they are hurt, and it is the hurt that they percieve that YOU put on them. You are still trying to take the moral high ground, and you should give it up. You got their daughter pregnant out of wedlock, and you are turning her against her family religion. That is a devastating blow to any family, and you won't know what it is like until or unless you go through it yourself.
You have to see that you hurt her parents BAD, and the only way to heal that is to do the honorable thing. You are doing good by marrying Crystal, but it doesn't stop with "I do". It is a life long commitment, and you will take your marriage down the wrong path if you cut off ties with them. You have to prove to them that you are the honorable man; that takes time. You will never be able to prove that you are morally superior to them, because you are not. If you were, you would not be a father at this point in time; think about it.
Your job is to love your wife as best as you can, and if that means swallowing your pride around her parents and "letting it go", then that is what you do. If you don't want to do that, then you will follow a path of misery, because you can't win.
You remind me too much of me when I was twenty. I chose to follow the path of misery and was divorced when I was 25. Would you like the same to happen to you? I pray not. Her parents cannot ruin your marriage, if you two love eachother. Your pride can.

I don't expect you to listen to me now, but call me when you are 40 and your daughter is 20, and tell me if you still feel the same way.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

my mom is good to emily, and i honestly dont think that she would ever say something bad about Ben around her...i wouldn't care to defend myself if i didnt still feel like i could get in trouble for it...its like ive moved out, but she still tries to tell me what to do and the majority of the time i'll listen, which doesnt help at all...if i can get to where i finally understand that i dont have to worry about her then everything would be better..i just cant talk to her about what was said, even when she came up the other day and was throwing off on me about how his parents got to see her more than her i didn't say anything...and she was in MY HOUSE! she makes me feel like im still a little kid.

 

[Globalnomad]

Ben, my poor husband had a lot of problems for years with my parents. And they, too, said some things to him that he will likely never forget. I felt so ashamed - but they are my parents, I love them regardless, what could I do?

Look, the two of you married under rocky circumstances, and you have probably not yet had the time to prove to them that you are indeed a valuable man and a worthy husband. Their feelings about you will automatically improve with time, as they see that you are doing well and that their daughter is happy. That's just normal, for parents. As you mae your way in life, they will see what stuff you are made of, and they will be sorry for having underestimated you. (That's what happened to my own parents.)

I don't know what they already said to you, but you should probably not let it pass. You should probably tell them straight out - in a quiet, manly way - that they were out of line, if you have not yet done so. (But this advice is tentative only... one would have to know more details.) That would also "put on record" why you are keeping away from them.

Try to burden Crystal as little as possible with this. Let me tell you from bitter experience, it is terribly painful to be in caught in a situation like this! I am sure she is on your side, but of course she wants to remain close to her parents, regardless.

Oh, and PLEASE don't worry about what they will say to Emily. Many years will pass before that becomes an issue, and the chances are that by then, things will have smoothed over.

PM me if you want to talk to someone who has been through it all...

 

[geocajun]

my mom is good to emily, and i honestly dont think that she would ever say something bad about Ben around her...i wouldn't care to defend myself if i didnt still feel like i could get in trouble for it...its like ive moved out, but she still tries to tell me what to do and the majority of the time i'll listen, which doesnt help at all...if i can get to where i finally understand that i dont have to worry about her then everything would be better..i just cant talk to her about what was said, even when she came up the other day and was throwing off on me about how his parents got to see her more than her i didn't say anything...and she was in MY HOUSE! she makes me feel like im still a little kid.

If your mother is causing your home to be unhappy, then tell her to knock it off. If you won't do it then it will only get worse. You are a wife and a mother, you no longer have the luxury of acting like a young girl around your mom, and she no longer has the luxury of treating you like one.

 

[bostonlass]

she still tries to tell me what to do and the majority of the time i'll listen, which doesnt help at all...if i can get to where i finally understand that i dont have to worry about her then everything would be better..

hate to tell you this but that is me and my mom to a T and I'm 40 and she's 74!!!!!!! Basically you need to do what jason said (did I just say that??? ) and put your foot down. You are a wife and mother and regardless of whether you're young or old the sooner you put boundaries around good and bad behavior the better off all of you will be. You definitely need to stick up for your husband.

 

[Chrystal-J]

She is your wife. If anyone speaks bad about you they are speaking bad about her. Perhaps they need to be taught about what it means to be united in one flesh.

I agree with this poster. Your wife needs to stand up for you as you are her husband. (Especially since the attack includes your faith.) It's not like you're up to no good and her family is trying to help her out.
I don't speak to my in-laws as it was just too draining because they're alcoholics and pesky to boot. They demand everything and give nothing back. I just couldn't take the strain anymore and told my husband he was free to speak to them, but I was just wiped out emotionally with how they act.
My husband and I don't have any children together, so I'm not in exactly the same boat you are. But, I would think that good in-laws would want to respect the father of their grandchildren
I always ask myself this question when dealing with family: "Would I put up with this behavior from a stranger?" If the answer is no, then I don't tolerate it from family either. And I try to treat my family as well as possible. I don't take advantage of them or mistreat them thinking they'll put up with it because they're family. I treat all with respect and expect the same in return.
Praying for them is a great idea also.
Take Care & I hope things improve for you!
C J

 

[nyj]

well i dont want crystal to have to choose i just dont want to be around them lol. is that to much to ask!?

Yes, it is too much to ask.

For better or worse. Remember that? So you've two have experienced some of the better parts, now you need to saddle up and face one of the 'worse' parts. Now Crystal can tell her parents, point blank, that they've got to stop being rude to you, but you have to meet them half way. Take your lumps like a man, be there and listen to the criticism. Offer it up for those children that will never know what it was like to be born. Hopefully, somewhere along the way ... they'll realize they're being buttheads and will shape up.

If not, you can always accept a job halfway across the country in a few years and move your family there.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

If not, you can always accept a job halfway across the country in a few years and move your family there.

how about no...

 

[Poohbear246]

my mom is good to emily, and i honestly dont think that she would ever say something bad about Ben around her...i wouldn't care to defend myself if i didnt still feel like i could get in trouble for it...its like ive moved out, but she still tries to tell me what to do and the majority of the time i'll listen, which doesnt help at all...if i can get to where i finally understand that i dont have to worry about her then everything would be better..i just cant talk to her about what was said, even when she came up the other day and was throwing off on me about how his parents got to see her more than her i didn't say anything...and she was in MY HOUSE! she makes me feel like im still a little kid.

Hon, I am in my late 20s and my mom still makes me feel that way! We just moved into a house with them to spare dad's health, and in the beginning, I would be sobbing when my dh got home because my parents made me feel yea big about something. Dh and I stood up and said, we are going to buy a lock and a doorbell!!! By presenting a united front, the situation is getting better for everyone. Boundaries sometimes need to be established -- all 4 of us are going through these belated "growing pains" right now.

It's going to be hard, but it'll be the right thing to do, and will make them respect you more. (Even my dh is very proud that I finally stood up to them. )

 

[CrystalBrooke]

after my mom said those horrible things i yelled at her and hung up on her (we were on the phone), i know that was immature, but it was the heat of the moment and i was VERY angry. i would have thought that by doing that she would realize, 'hey she's not going to let me say things like that'...but it didnt my mom is as stubborn as a donkey.

 

[nyj]

how about no...

Matthew 19: 4-6.

I was being somewhat facetious when I said he should do it just to get away from your parents if they have not changed. However, you should consider the possibility that if his work takes him elsewhere, you should be there at his side. This is what marriage is all about, and these are the sorts of things you two may need to seriously consider.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

we're one flesh...id just rather be one flesh here where i know people...if he ever did really need to move then of course id go with him..but not just for the sake of getting away from my parents.

 

[RoseofLima]

I'm the queen of horrible in laws...

you must love them as they are--especially if you're wife loves them and wants them in your lives.

Talk with your wife, together come up with reasonable boundaries. Ask her to set them with her parents, and do everything you can not to set yourself in opposition to them. If you do you will be guarunteed to cause a huge rift and conflict.

You got their baby girl pregnant and stole her away (That's probably their perspective ) Everything is so brand new--just give them time, patience and a lot of leeway. You want them to accept you and your imperfections--do them same with them, loving them because you love your wife.

 

[InnerPhyre]

You need to look at it from their perspective, man. Their lousy attitude may be unacceptable, but you must admit you put them in a very difficult situation as the parents of your wife.

Your marriage is still young. Give it time. And if you are wise, you will swallow your pride and suck it up and do your best to get along, otherwise somewhere down the road, whether you want to or not, you are going to force your wife to choose between her parents and you and you do not want that.

When they do things like this, do your best to offer it up out of love for your wife.

 

[Globalnomad]

Ben, I hate to say this, but about that graduation dinner - I think you SHOULD go, and grit your teeth all evening if you need to, but behave like an angel. Don't take this memory away from Crystal. I know it feels like I am telling you to be hypocritical, but it's not. It's showing that you care for her feelings, that you want her to be surrounded by ALL the people she loves at this time, and you are willing to set your feelings aside for an evening. And that you are man enough to control yourself and be nice for an evening. No hypocrisy.

But don't do it if you honestly don't think that you would be able to pull it off. (Especially in case that her parents don't control their tongues.) There would be nothing worse than a horrible scene at that particular time.

 

[EllenMoran]

after my mom said those horrible things i yelled at her and hung up on her (we were on the phone), i know that was immature, but it was the heat of the moment and i was VERY angry. i would have thought that by doing that she would realize, 'hey she's not going to let me say things like that'...but it didnt my mom is as stubborn as a donkey.

It takes time, not just once. You have to decide where your boundaries are and continually reinforce them. Luckily, the biggest issues my DH & parents have are more stylistic, which leaves me being the interpreter a lot of the time, but still, there are some things that I will support him on even if I agree with my mom's assessment of it.

That aside, I'll just ditto nyj on the rest of this thread.