My In Laws hate me...

[Estefana]

I think you need to honor your husband more than just hoping he'll get over something so you can 'have the most important day of your life' - its just high school graduation, believe me, it only seems important now.

Figures a guy would say that.

And High School Graduation IS one of the most important days of your life. It is a big deal and special.

 

[faerieevaH]

Figures a guy would say that.

And High School Graduation IS one of the most important days of your life. It is a big deal and special.

Being just about thirty years and female: no it's not. It just seems like it at the time. I can understand how you feel like it is (I did so too at the time) it really isn't.

I do think some good advice is given in this thread, mostly to keep working on the relationship with the parents but also to set boundaries for that relationship. Once you get married, you are a family of adults of your own, who need to stand up for eachother and decide with eachother. That doesn't of course mean that you don't have to be kind anymore to the parents.

BTW... Estefana, I really don't see what gender has to do with the outlook on highschool graduation. Both men and women graduate from highschool.

 

[lonnienord]

well i dont want crystal to have to choose i just dont want to be around them lol. is that to much to ask!? lol but seriously im really afraid of what they will say to emily when she gets older. i mean her mom said that I didnt even want my child! are they going to tell her that her daddy doesnt want her and wont take care of her? Did I mention that I have beer in my refrigrator because im Catholic? (lol ok that one is kinda funny ) its just something all the time with them. they are constantly putting down me or crystal its actually kinda abusive. i will pray for them and try to get along but i refuse to be verbally abused and just stand there and take it. eventually ill be standing really far away

it doesn't matter what they say to Emily. Emily will know you love her because your actions and words will show her love. Make sure that you are always acting and speaking love to your two wonderful women!!

 

[Teshi]

I have some problems with part of my family, which I'm not going to get into here.

I decided about the time I was 18 that I wasn't going to take it anymore, and every time they said or did something hurtful, I simply said, "I am an adult, and do not have to stay and take this. I love you, see you next week." And then I'd leave. Just calm.

Well, it doesn't take too many times doing that before it just gets embarassing for the person who's behaving inappropriately to keep it up.

My relationship with that part of my family is normally quite cordial now. Oh, they're still drowning in their drama, but they don't put it on me anymore.

I don't know if it'd work for other people.

Praying for you guys.

 

[Epiphanygirl]

I have some problems with part of my family, which I'm not going to get into here.

I decided about the time I was 18 that I wasn't going to take it anymore, and every time they said or did something hurtful, I simply said, "I am an adult, and do not have to stay and take this. I love you, see you next week." And then I'd leave. Just calm.

Well, it doesn't take too many times doing that before it just gets embarassing for the person who's behaving inappropriately to keep it up.

My relationship with that part of my family is normally quite cordial now. Oh, they're still drowning in their drama, but they don't put it on me anymore.

I don't know if it'd work for other people.

Praying for you guys.

Brilliant, I've done it a couple times myself. Staying calm and objective is the key.

 

[Annabel Lee]

If your mother is causing your home to be unhappy, then tell her to knock it off. If you won't do it then it will only get worse. You are a wife and a mother, you no longer have the luxury of acting like a young girl around your mom, and she no longer has the luxury of treating you like one.

Agree completely.

I was married at your age, Crystal, not sure what was different but I was immediately treated like an adult by both sides of the family.


You have tell your mother to stop belittling and insulting your husband. Stand up to her.

 

[Estefana]

Being just about thirty years and female: no it's not. It just seems like it at the time. I can understand how you feel like it is (I did so too at the time) it really isn't.

I do think some good advice is given in this thread, mostly to keep working on the relationship with the parents but also to set boundaries for that relationship. Once you get married, you are a family of adults of your own, who need to stand up for eachother and decide with eachother. That doesn't of course mean that you don't have to be kind anymore to the parents.

BTW... Estefana, I really don't see what gender has to do with the outlook on highschool graduation. Both men and women graduate from highschool.

I meant the bit about honoring the husband - like that Crystal should overlook HER special day and do whatever Ben wants.

 

[pdudgeon]

ok, here's how to solve the graduation.

everybody goes but it's probably best if they sit separately. Afterwards everybody gets pics taken with the graduate, the parents are hugged and kissed and thanked for comming to such a special event---and they are sent on their way to celebrate the milestone over a nice quiet dinner for two.

meanwhile Crystal, Ben, and little Emily go out and have their own Grad Night celebration.

if Crystal were stil single she would be going to Grad Night partys with her friends, and Mom and Dad would not be expected to crash those parties.

this is the same thing, and the boundaries have to be set by Crystal, not Ben.

 

[Gwendolyn]

If your mother is causing your home to be unhappy, then tell her to knock it off. If you won't do it then it will only get worse. You are a wife and a mother, you no longer have the luxury of acting like a young girl around your mom, and she no longer has the luxury of treating you like one.

Well said, Jason.

The two of you are now adults. You are married, and you have a child together. You are experiencing adult situations and must react to them in an adult way. Ben, refusing to spend time with your wife because her parents make you uncomfortable is dealing with this situation in an immature manner. Crystal, accepting the things your mother says without protest and allowing her to dictate your life is dealing with this situation in an immature manner.

You have to make the switch to adulthood. You can't deal with adult situations like teenagers. Yes, Crystal, your mother will always be your mother; but Ben will also always be your husband. You have moved out of that phase of your life in which you are under the direction and rule of your parents. You and Ben must now grow together toward a future united as one. You cannot allow yourselves to be divided. What the both of you need to do is stand up for yourselves - your mother has no right to interfere in your marriage. The best that you can do is tell her that you are sorry that she does not understand your relationship with Ben, but remind her that your marriage is something sacred and that fact demands respect - holding on to bitterness is only going to poison your married life and the last thing your mother wants to do is cause you pain.

Stand up and tell her that that is what she is doing - she is hurting you. She is causing you pain. Why would you contiue to allow her to do that? Does she realise that she is hurting you?

You need to be the adults in this situation and tell her that she does not have to immediately think Ben is wonderful, but she does have to love him - you, Ben, and Emily are a family now, and that is something holy and beautiful. Even though the situation in which that came about may be spurious, that does not give your mother the right to continue to punish you now for a poor judgement call that you made in the past.

But just as much as it is her duty to love both of you, it is also your duty to love her, to pray for her, and to wish the best for her. Pray that her heart might be warmed and that her eyes might be opened. Do not return her bitterness and rudeness with anger and disrespect. Love casts out all of those negative things, and if you want this situation to turn around, the best thing to do is try your best to do nothing to merit her negativity. Refusing to spend time together means that she wins and feels justified in feeling like Ben is unworthy of her daughter.

Hopefully you can find a solution to this situation.

 

[Gwendolyn]

I meant the bit about honoring the husband - like that Crystal should overlook HER special day and do whatever Ben wants.

Actually, it was more about honouring thier marriage. Allowing Ben to omit himself is like saying, "Okay mom, you win, you don't like him so I won't bring him around anymore." They function together as one, and allowing the mother to divide the two of them will only feed the fire. It does nothing to help their situation.

 

[MariaRegina]

well i dont want crystal to have to choose i just dont want to be around them lol. is that to much to ask!? lol but seriously im really afraid of what they will say to emily when she gets older. i mean her mom said that I didnt even want my child! are they going to tell her that her daddy doesnt want her and wont take care of her? Did I mention that I have beer in my refrigrator because im Catholic? (lol ok that one is kinda funny ) its just something all the time with them. they are constantly putting down me or crystal its actually kinda abusive. i will pray for them and try to get along but i refuse to be verbally abused and just stand there and take it. eventually ill be standing really far away

I have a suggestion:

Make your inlaws a pretty card that says

I love you all.

Please pray for me, a sinner, that I'll be a better Christian.

Love, Bill​

and then mail it to them.

 

[Estefana]

Well when it is a showgun marriage that happened probably just because there was a pregnancy with really young people, I don't think huge sacrifises for gratuation need to be made anyway. She is 18 she has the right to want her graduation to be nice.

 

[geocajun]

"She has the right"
Out of curiousity, where is that right for a nice graduation given or gaurunteed?

 

[Estefana]

So you think she should sit back and let it be ruined? It is HER day, not Bens. I said she has the right to WANT it to be nice. Read carefully.

 

[Annabel Lee]

Everyone goes to the graduation dinner.

Crystal, in no uncertain terms tells parents "Insult my husband and Ben, I and the baby will leave the restuarant."

And then do it.

Put your foot down, Crystal. It's time to put away the things of childhood.

 

[Miss Shelby]

Annabel speaks with experience and wisdom, here. I would listen to her.

Michelle

 

[Annabel Lee]

Thanks Miss Shelby. I'm not always wise but I managed to put my foot down about being an adult.

Plus deciding to nurse the baby (this was the late 70's) confused all the in-laws since none of them had experience with it.

And they couldn't really babysit for the almost the first year. (besides and hour or two here and there)

 

[poppinskw]

So you think she should sit back and let it be ruined? It is HER day, not Bens. I said she has the right to WANT it to be nice. Read carefully.

When one is married there is no longer Her day or His day, there is our day. Its about doing the best for each other... its about being one... always esteeming the other first.

When someone hurts me, they hurt my husband... when someone hurts my husband they better watch out.

Annabel gave really good advice, about going to the dinner.... there must be boundaries set and kept to....
God has joined this couple together, let no man put asunder....not even parents.


'Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.' Matthew 19:6.

Blessings​

Les​

 

[Estefana]

Well last time I checked, it is CRYSTAL'S graduation - CRYSTAL is the one graduatiing form high school, not CKRYSTALANDBEN graduating from high school. CRYSTAL.

Therefore, she jsut needs to say to both her parents and Ben that it is HER day, as in, CRYSTAL'S day and they all need to be on their best behaviour because it is HER day and not theirs to ruin.

Besides, if it was a shotgun 'oh there is a babyw e better get married' wedding, I don't know about the one flesh thing and I don't know if it has to last forever. Besides, Crystal should be loyal to her parents, they are her family and they care aobut her.

 

[Febe]

Well said, Jason.

The two of you are now adults. You are married, and you have a child together. You are experiencing adult situations and must react to them in an adult way. Ben, refusing to spend time with your wife because her parents make you uncomfortable is dealing with this situation in an immature manner. Crystal, accepting the things your mother says without protest and allowing her to dictate your life is dealing with this situation in an immature manner.

You have to make the switch to adulthood. You can't deal with adult situations like teenagers. Yes, Crystal, your mother will always be your mother; but Ben will also always be your husband. You have moved out of that phase of your life in which you are under the direction and rule of your parents. You and Ben must now grow together toward a future united as one. You cannot allow yourselves to be divided. What the both of you need to do is stand up for yourselves - your mother has no right to interfere in your marriage. The best that you can do is tell her that you are sorry that she does not understand your relationship with Ben, but remind her that your marriage is something sacred and that fact demands respect - holding on to bitterness is only going to poison your married life and the last thing your mother wants to do is cause you pain.

Stand up and tell her that that is what she is doing - she is hurting you. She is causing you pain. Why would you contiue to allow her to do that? Does she realise that she is hurting you?

You need to be the adults in this situation and tell her that she does not have to immediately think Ben is wonderful, but she does have to love him - you, Ben, and Emily are a family now, and that is something holy and beautiful. Even though the situation in which that came about may be spurious, that does not give your mother the right to continue to punish you now for a poor judgement call that you made in the past.

But just as much as it is her duty to love both of you, it is also your duty to love her, to pray for her, and to wish the best for her. Pray that her heart might be warmed and that her eyes might be opened. Do not return her bitterness and rudeness with anger and disrespect. Love casts out all of those negative things, and if you want this situation to turn around, the best thing to do is try your best to do nothing to merit her negativity. Refusing to spend time together means that she wins and feels justified in feeling like Ben is unworthy of her daughter.

Hopefully you can find a solution to this situation.

Couldn´t have said this better myself! Hear, hear!