My Husband is boring/Not romantic/Not thoughful....any advise?

[angie28]

Your husband is the man you chose. I'm sure that when you chose to marry him, you knew exactly who he is. One of the biggest mistakes a young wife makes is to want to change her husband after they marry.

It's good to tell him what you want, to give him ideas about how to please you. But it sounds like, with this man, you will have to take the initiative. The first thing is to be an encouraging example for him. If you want surprises and gifts, do it for him. If you want a better love life, start it and keep it going. If you want to do something other than TV and internet, suggest activities or make a restaurant reservation.

Maybe he will learn to do these things himself, maybe not. Express your desires, but do it with a light heart and fun, not by nagging and complaining. You married him, so he must have good qualities that you can encourage and edify. If you have no expectations, then anything he does for you will be a wonderful gift.

Most importantly, pray for your marriage together. Lift up your concerns to God together, and ask Him to help you to each be the best possible spouse you can be. Seek Him, and he will guide your marriage.

I hear you on that, and I have been taking the initiative to do all the planning but I have reached to a point where am giving up as he doesn't reciprocate. I guess I just have to learn to do it without expecting him to do the same in return for the sake of our marriage...probably one day he will change. With prayer all things are possible.

 

[angie28]

My husband's right in with the boring crowd, too. Very predictable yet very stable. He knows what he wants but he can come up with some pretty good surprises for me on his own sometimes. Alot of times I'm the one who has to drag him out for a day (or in reference to the dog comment, take him for a walk) You say you go to church, is there anything going on at the church that you could help out with? Bible studies, ladies groups, etc...?

We have those groups but I failed to connect with anyone as people are already in cliques...so it is just church friendship and after church am friendless but I have lots of church acquaintances .

 

[macek]

My advice.. be romantic and do all that you want your husband to do to you. Give him thoughtful gifts, hold his hands, pray with him and talk to him.. Tell him what you like and surprise him with a gift. As a boring guy myself i can tell you we can be narrow-minded and need to be reminded from time to time that a bit of romance can enrich one's life. If you love him, have patience and give him the warmth of your love.

 

[GandalfTheWise]

Couples can get into constructive cycles where their strengths complement each other, encourage each other, and the combination of the two is much stronger than either alone. The net result is a generally upward trend where things get better. Each is focused much more on the others' strengths.

Couples can get into destructive cycles where their weaknesses (and blind spots) hurt each other, discourage each other, and the net result is each being weaker than alone. The net result is generally a downward trend where things get worse. Each is painfully aware of the others' weaknesses. When this happens, attention can often be focused on symptoms rather than root causes.

An observation about myself (and I think it holds for many men), I need unwinding time when I am overworked and am stressed out. This often takes the form of doing something completely mindless. For many men, this can range from relatively benign things such as staring into space, reading, watching TV or news, internet surfing, video games, some hobbies, or in general doing or thinking about "nothing". Some men fall into a trap where the mindless stuff is destructive such as porn, drinking, or some type of addiction. If life is going good, this "doing nothing" time might only be a few minutes here or there. When life is rough, it might be hours per day. I'd guess that any husband displaying the need for hours and hours of "nothing" time is potentially under a lot of stress and trying to deal with it. The key is figuring out the root cause (which he himself might not be completely aware of) rather than getting bogged down in symptoms. Very little good can come from taking away a man's "nothing time" when he needs it. You have to address the root causes of why he needs it. Once the root causes are addressed, he won't need it as much. This may or may not be the case in the OP, but it is worth considering if this is part of the problem.

There was a point in my life where I was so burned out that I could barely drag myself to work, and barely drag myself home again. The best part of my day was walking extra slowly to/from work so I didn't have to be at either place. I'd often collapse in front of the TV and sort of "come to" hours later, sometimes just before bedtime. I was certainly not at my best as a husband or father during this time. I pretty much felt like the burden of the world (making sure I kept a job that was draining the life out of me to support a family) was on me and that I felt I was unappreciated for it and all I was getting was complaints about what I wasn't doing. When we hit our 25th wedding anniversary, I honestly did not feel like celebrating what should have been a happy milestone. (Coming up on 34 this summer and looking forward to it now. )

The dog comment about a pat on the head and some encouragement is quite accurate, at least for me.

 

[Sketcher]

Before we married we were not staying together and so going out was the only way we could see each other but now that we are married and stay under the same roof, I think he doesn't feel the needful to take me out or buy me thoughtful gifts. Like you said it might be an issue of different love language among us.

When you were dating:

Did he have a different job? How was it different in terms of hours a week worked, money that he brought in, responsibilities, and how he was treated?

Did you two live in a different city?

How often were you at each other's houses?

When you would text or call each other, were those exchanges different from what you say to each other every day? How so?

How often did he buy you thoughtful gifts?

 

[PanDeVida]

Am 5 months Pregnant with our first baby and we got married last year October been together almost 5 years total. Problem is that my Hubby is boring, he never thinks out of the box(not thoughtful)..he never surprise me with dinner dates , buy me romantic staff unless I ask him(e.g buy ,me ice cream)...he does not know how to celebrate special days in our lives like birthday, Achievement, festive seasons....I complained about this to him several times(he doesn't change) and now I gave up. I used to invite him to events I see on meetup.com but he seemed uninterested so now I gave up.

We work abroad and his routine is work and go to church...And when there is no church he can not come up with any plot for us but only sitting on the couch surf the internet and watch the news...am so sick of living in un romantic marriage...since we got married he is not making any effort to make me happy.

I do not have close friends(the few I have are far way) either who I can hang out with. I stopped going to church here because I always felt alone in the crowd and I could not make any close connections beyond church. So my life is all about work and watching movies online. Tried going out solo but it can feel uncomfortable most of the times and I end up leaving.



Also our sex life is next to none...I have a very low libido and now that am pregnant it is zero, we may have sex once in a month or not and how am I supposed to get turned on by a man who does not make me happy!

I love him but am not happy. Is this how marriage is like?



Anyone going through the same?

Angie, from what I read here in your post, girrrrl, both of you are boring. lol

You both surf the net, worse than he, is you do not attend church. Church is not about making friends it all about Jesus, your best Friend of friends, and if you happen to make friends at church, great!

Another thing is you give up to easily, it's your first year of marriage. Your sex life is next to none, as you say, and YET you are 5 months pregnant, congratulations by the way! You have very low libido and you complain about your husband.

As you say your life is all about work and watching movies online, honestly, it sounds like you married yourself.

You love him but you are not happy. NO! THIS IS NOT HOW MARRIAGE IS LIKE!

"For better or for worse" It seems you both got the worse for NOW, but that is no call to leave him, if that is what you are looking to hear.

I will pray for your marriage, and you should pray for your marriage as well, DON'T GIVE UP! that is what satan wants you to do.

 

[Rescued One]

Everyone can offer advice. But you can't change another person. Think of ways to make him happy. Can you serve his favorite foods? Give him time to do a lot of things that he likes to do. Initiate some fun if he doesn't. If he doesn't want to have fun, get busy with some new stay-at-home hobbies. Don't be needy --- get your mind off yourself.

I told my husband when I wanted flowers and he'd buy them. I planned a lot of things --- he didn't. He would have sat in front of the TV or computer ninety percent of his free time unless I motivated him to do something else. Sometimes he didn't have the energy to do other things. I didn't complain because complaining is usually detrimental to relationships.

 

[Rescued One]

Sorry --- double post.

 

[Rescued One]

You both surf the net, worse than he, is you do not attend church. Church is not about making friends it all about Jesus, your best Friend of friends, and if you happen to make friends at church, great!
...

Part of serving Jesus is being friends with other brothers and sisters in Christ. They are failing her.

1 Thessalonians 5 NIV
11 Therefore encourage one another just as in fact you are doing.

Hebrews 10 NIV
23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Christians have an obligation to help and encourage other Christians.

If a person loves Christ but doesn't care about His sheep, perhaps he doesn't really love Him.

John 21
15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep..."

 

[Rescued One]

Your husband is not a drug to make you happy. You knew your husband before you married him.
Now you don't like him?
You made your bed.
Nothing kills a mans soul more than a woman critising and moaning.
If he was the president of the United States would you critisise him for working hard and trying to feed his family?
Its not a God given right to women that a man spends his life trying to make her happy.
Be gone and stop criticising your husband in front of the world you wicked selfish soul.

Good grief!

 

[aiki]

Am 5 months Pregnant with our first baby and we got married last year October been together almost 5 years total. Problem is that my Hubby is boring, he never thinks out of the box(not thoughtful)..he never surprise me with dinner dates , buy me romantic staff unless I ask him(e.g buy ,me ice cream)...he does not know how to celebrate special days in our lives like birthday, Achievement, festive seasons....I complained about this to him several times(he doesn't change) and now I gave up. I used to invite him to events I see on meetup.com but he seemed uninterested so now I gave up.

You had no idea he would be boring and careless of you after 5 years of dating? Really? That's pretty hard to believe. Either you're blind as a bat or something has happened since you married to cause him to grow dull and thoughtless. Are you boring? Do you go out of your way to make him feel loved and cherished? I can tell you that complaining is one of the best ways to make certain he resists doing as you want. No one likes someone harping on them about how to do better.

Sometimes guys unconsciously work to lower the expectations of their wives because they feel overwhelmed by the demands of their wives and insecure about being able to fulfill them. It's a clumsy way of protecting against failure in the role of husband. It's often accomplished by acting as you say your husband is acting.

It may be that your husband is simply acting in the manner in which he saw his own father act. What other example would your husband follow? But if that example was a poor one, your husband is going to have a hard time moving beyond it to a better way of living with you. Are you praying for him? Are you living as a godly wife?

We work abroad and his routine is work and go to church...And when there is no church he can not come up with any plot for us but only sitting on the couch surf the internet and watch the news...am so sick of living in un romantic marriage...since we got married he is not making any effort to make me happy.

Have you asked him to explain himself? Are you willing to sit and patiently and lovingly listen to what he has to say? Or has he clammed up and checked out because he knows you think he's a boring loser and all you'll do is criticize him? If his faith is important to him, perhaps you can make an appeal to him on that basis. Encourage him to see that he has obligations to God in how he cares for you as his wife. He might not be motivated to better relating by your complaining, but maybe realizing he is not honoring God in how he is behaving might prompt him to change.

By the way, what are you doing to make your husband happy? Sounds like living with you is rather miserable at the moment.

Also our sex life is next to none...I have a very low libido and now that am pregnant it is zero, we may have sex once in a month or not and how am I supposed to get turned on by a man who does not make me happy!

I love him but am not happy. Is this how marriage is like?

If there is one way that is sure to make your husband cool toward you, it is by making it clear to him you don't like sex. Few things make a husband feel more unmanly, more rejected by his wife, than to know his wife finds sex with him uninteresting and a chore. As well, the Bible calls it defrauding to marry a person and then withhold sexual relations from them when there is no physical reason for doing so. You became one flesh with your husband and that means, in part, satisfying his sexual needs even when you don't feel like it. And this doesn't mean you agree to sex with him and then lay like a dead fish on the bed during intercourse. This is not loving your husband. You aren't his sex-toy, but you shouldn't be withholding sex unnecessarily or using it as a means of manipulating your man, either.

Remember, you will always reap what you sow - especially in marriage. If you sow criticism and sexual disinterest in your marriage don't be surprised when you reap a distant and unromantic husband.

Your marriage isn't all about you being made happy. Loving your husband as God calls you to means caring for him when it costs you and when you aren't getting much if anything in return. This is how God loves us.

Selah.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Am 5 months Pregnant with our first baby and we got married last year October been together almost 5 years total. Problem is that my Hubby is boring, he never thinks out of the box(not thoughtful)..he never surprise me with dinner dates , buy me romantic staff unless I ask him(e.g buy ,me ice cream)...he does not know how to celebrate special days in our lives like birthday, Achievement, festive seasons....I complained about this to him several times(he doesn't change) and now I gave up. I used to invite him to events I see on meetup.com but he seemed uninterested so now I gave up.
What was he like before you two got married last October?
What were you like?


We work abroad and his routine is work and go to church...And when there is no church he can not come up with any plot for us but only sitting on the couch surf the internet and watch the news...am so sick of living in un romantic marriage...since we got married he is not making any effort to make me happy.
You're 5 months pregnant...so something was done during the marriage.
As for making you happy...that's not solely his responsibility.
It should be pleasing that he is working, he is coming home to you day
after day, he did go along with you on those meetups, he seemed uninterested?
did you inquire about this? did you show agape to him in this matter? are you
praying for your spouse and your marriage? are you seeking God in these matters
and honoring your husband by showing him respect? agape? forgiveness?
Are you asking God to help you to be a godly wife, a better witness etc?

I do not have close friends(the few I have are far way) either who I can hang out with. I stopped going to church here because I always felt alone in the crowd and I could not make any close connections beyond church. So my life is all about work and watching movies online. Tried going out solo but it can feel uncomfortable most of the times and I end up leaving.
Well you aren't alone, the Holy Spirit is with you and so is your baby...you got
company going right along with you.
You are living abroad, so you'll have to be diligent...patient when it comes to
forming closer friendships....things different in another country/another culture.
Do keep pressing on...I got this from my niece who lives in Dubai, she's a
teacher and a young mom, her husband is often busy with his high profile job.
So she had to "rough it" for awhile now.
She did this:
Looked for classes/hobbies that will help connect her with other women/or moms.
Joined an exercise group...she wasn't into this at all when she first started that
a couple of years ago.
Purposed to keep attending church, praying and showing herself friendly...results
came slowly because in Dubai, people are about they families, work/business... many of them come/go a lot where my niece and her family live...so they had to
learn to do things differently because they are living in another country and the
customs/traditions they were use to are foreign to those around them.

Also our sex life is next to none...I have a very low libido and now that am pregnant it is zero, we may have sex once in a month or not and how am I supposed to get turned on by a man who does not make me happy!
If you have established that you have a low libido, this is a concern, have you discussed it with your doctor? treatment/follow-up?

Just as it was for many of the patients I've had over the years who'd bent my
ear about their "personal problem"...I've heard of such problems since I was
18 and was working in a care home...my patients and my co-workers spoke of
their "problem" with their low libidos.

It's not uncommon to have a low libido, due to being pregnant, hormones, meds, aging, genetics etc.

I love him but am not happy. Is this how marriage is like?
Marriage has it's seasons too, much like our weather...spring, summer, autumn and winter. It's not in order either, it can vary.
Having unrealistic expectations can be a marriage killer; it can also be a church
killer if you have unrealistic expectations about church.

We are to agape our spouses and others...agape is a sacrificial type of love,
Jesus modeled it. It is a determined act of your will, agape/ loving someone regardless whether they reciprocate that love(agape) or not.

We are also to forgive those who have fallen short, whether they ask for it or not...Jesus modeled this as he was nailed to the cross, he asked his heavenly Father to forgive them, they know not what they do.

There's also the matter of taking up our cross and following Jesus like he said.

Anyone going through the same?
I'd say many, many of us have been through it/ or are going through it.

The key to a healthy sexual marriage is finding a frequency that works for both
of you.
It takes: a sacrificial love for one another, transparency/talking things out, forgiving, honoring one another etc.
Investment grows desire.
One with a low sex drive may need to initiate, even when they don't feel like it...
truly, you and your spouse need to be sharing intimacy(develop your own love language-- touch, loving words of affections and having sex).
Most importantly, forgiving one another for failing short and honoring one another in the marriage.
Nitpicking, constantly pointing out his wrongs/her wrongs don't edify the marital
relationship or build an intimate bond with your spouse.

If you need further help do seek marriage counseling and stay in fellowship with
other believers(attend church) and prayerfully seek the Lord and abide in Him and
His Word.

 

[JEBofChristTheLord]

PS: It's not somebody else's job to make us happy. It's our own.

Amen, sister!

 

[angie28]

The key to a healthy sexual marriage is finding a frequency that works for both
of you.
It takes: a sacrificial love for one another, transparency/talking things out, forgiving, honoring one another etc.
Investment grows desire.
One with a low sex drive may need to initiate, even when they don't feel like it...
truly, you and your spouse need to be sharing intimacy(develop your own love language-- touch, loving words of affections and having sex).
Most importantly, forgiving one another for failing short and honoring one another in the marriage.
Nitpicking, constantly pointing out his wrongs/her wrongs don't edify the marital
relationship or build an intimate bond with your spouse.

If you need further help do seek marriage counseling and stay in fellowship with
other believers(attend church) and prayerfully seek the Lord and abide in Him and
His Word.

I hear you. Thank you for the advise

 

[angie28]

You had no idea he would be boring and careless of you after 5 years of dating? Really? That's pretty hard to believe. Either you're blind as a bat or something has happened since you married to cause him to grow dull and thoughtless. Are you boring? Do you go out of your way to make him feel loved and cherished? I can tell you that complaining is one of the best ways to make certain he resists doing as you want. No one likes someone harping on them about how to do better.

Sometimes guys unconsciously work to lower the expectations of their wives because they feel overwhelmed by the demands of their wives and insecure about being able to fulfill them. It's a clumsy way of protecting against failure in the role of husband. It's often accomplished by acting as you say your husband is acting.

It may be that your husband is simply acting in the manner in which he saw his own father act. What other example would your husband follow? But if that example was a poor one, your husband is going to have a hard time moving beyond it to a better way of living with you. Are you praying for him? Are you living as a godly wife?



Have you asked him to explain himself? Are you willing to sit and patiently and lovingly listen to what he has to say? Or has he clammed up and checked out because he knows you think he's a boring loser and all you'll do is criticize him? If his faith is important to him, perhaps you can make an appeal to him on that basis. Encourage him to see that he has obligations to God in how he cares for you as his wife. He might not be motivated to better relating by your complaining, but maybe realizing he is not honoring God in how he is behaving might prompt him to change.

By the way, what are you doing to make your husband happy? Sounds like living with you is rather miserable at the moment.



If there is one way that is sure to make your husband cool toward you, it is by making it clear to him you don't like sex. Few things make a husband feel more unmanly, more rejected by his wife, than to know his wife finds sex with him uninteresting and a chore. As well, the Bible calls it defrauding to marry a person and then withhold sexual relations from them when there is no physical reason for doing so. You became one flesh with your husband and that means, in part, satisfying his sexual needs even when you don't feel like it. And this doesn't mean you agree to sex with him and then lay like a dead fish on the bed during intercourse. This is not loving your husband. You aren't his sex-toy, but you shouldn't be withholding sex unnecessarily or using it as a means of manipulating your man, either.

Remember, you will always reap what you sow - especially in marriage. If you sow criticism and sexual disinterest in your marriage don't be surprised when you reap a distant and unromantic husband.

Your marriage isn't all about you being made happy. Loving your husband as God calls you to means caring for him when it costs you and when you aren't getting much if anything in return. This is how God loves us.

Selah.[/QUOTe
Before we got married,we were not staying together so we used to go out often as that was the only way for us to meet. Now that we are together in the same house, I think he no longer see the need for us to go out anymore e.g. movie night as we can watch at home. So yes I had no idea he would be boring since we were not staying together while in courtship.
I take care of him by cooking, do laundry, complement him, buy him gifts/take him out(though I paused it to see his initiative as well) etc...that's how I make him happy.
I did not say I withdraw from having sex with him voluntarily/willingly....I really want to do it but I have no sex libido(this makes me feel worthless as a wife) and per the research I made, the cause has to do with my hormones and my husband understands my situation and we hope to find professional help after I give birth.

 

[angie28]

When you were dating:

Did he have a different job? How was it different in terms of hours a week worked, money that he brought in, responsibilities, and how he was treated?

Did you two live in a different city?

How often were you at each other's houses?

When you would text or call each other, were those exchanges different from what you say to each other every day? How so?

How often did he buy you thoughtful gifts?

Most of that time he was back in our home country and on vacation...so he had lots of free time for us to meet.We stayed in different surbubs like 25 mins drive away. Our love started on long distance foundation so we could text all the time and I yearned more then. so now I joined him abroad and he works 12 hours 7-6pm and I work 9hrs different shift schedules every week. We all get tired I know but some play time initiated by him wouldn't hurt

 

[aiki]

"Before we got married,we were not staying together so we used to go out often as that was the only way for us to meet. Now that we are together in the same house, I think he no longer see the need for us to go out anymore e.g. movie night as we can watch at home. So yes I had no idea he would be boring since we were not staying together while in courtship.
I take care of him by cooking, do laundry, complement him, buy him gifts/take him out(though I paused it to see his initiative as well) etc...that's how I make him happy.
I did not say I withdraw from having sex with him voluntarily/willingly....I really want to do it but I have no sex libido(this makes me feel worthless as a wife) and per the research I made, the cause has to do with my hormones and my husband understands my situation and we hope to find professional help after I give birth."

When they marry, many guys stop trying to romance their wives. They have achieved their goal (marrying) and don't think they need to keep working at the romance in the relationship. But that is a surefire way to make a wife feel unloved and sexually disinterested. Since your husband seems to place some importance on his faith, maybe approaching him from a biblical perspective would be helpful. Don't tell him he's not meeting his scriptural obligations to you as a husband, ask him if he thinks he is honoring God in the way he is relating with you. Put your marriage in the spiritual context in which it is supposed to be but remember that you can't change your husband. Only God can make your husband the wise, loving, faithful man God calls him to be. Don't badger your man. Urge him to take the lead in spiritual matters in your relationship. Ask him to lead in a devotional time for you both. Ask him to pray for you both. Ask him to teach you what a biblical marriage looks like. And then pray, pray, and pray some more! Daily in prayer put your man in God's hands and wait patiently on God to transform your husband into a Christlike man. While you wait on God to do so, go deep with God yourself. Be a godly woman. Love God with all of your being. This is the First and Great commandment. When you do, you will see yourself and your marriage transformed and the blessings of God flowing into it.

Proverbs 3:1-8
1 My son (daughter), do not forget my teaching, But let your heart keep my commandments;
2 For length of days and years of life, And peace they will add to you.
3 Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 So you will find favor and good repute In the sight of God and man.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
8 It will be healing to your body, And refreshment to your bones.

Congratulations, by the way, on your soon-to-arrive little one!

Selah.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

Am 5 months Pregnant with our first baby and we got married last year October been together almost 5 years total. Problem is that my Hubby is boring, he never thinks out of the box(not thoughtful)..he never surprise me with dinner dates , buy me romantic staff unless I ask him(e.g buy ,me ice cream)...he does not know how to celebrate special days in our lives like birthday, Achievement, festive seasons....I complained about this to him several times(he doesn't change) and now I gave up. I used to invite him to events I see on meetup.com but he seemed uninterested so now I gave up.

We work abroad and his routine is work and go to church...And when there is no church he can not come up with any plot for us but only sitting on the couch surf the internet and watch the news...am so sick of living in un romantic marriage...since we got married he is not making any effort to make me happy.

I do not have close friends(the few I have are far way) either who I can hang out with. I stopped going to church here because I always felt alone in the crowd and I could not make any close connections beyond church. So my life is all about work and watching movies online. Tried going out solo but it can feel uncomfortable most of the times and I end up leaving.



Also our sex life is next to none...I have a very low libido and now that am pregnant it is zero, we may have sex once in a month or not and how am I supposed to get turned on by a man who does not make me happy!

I love him but am not happy. Is this how marriage is like?



Anyone going through the same?

Get him a copy of the book, Tough and Tender, it got me out of the boring rut.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

slip a home made V card into his lunch with an offer for a lunch date.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

Together, set Friday nights as date night. Go for walk somewhere he likes to go, even if it is home depot.