My husband has feelings for another woman

[Kaylyn23]

I need advice. I need advice from older, wiser women or men than myself.
My husband and I will be married a year on 5/23/2016. I am 23 and he is 25. We are young. We had been together for 5 years before marrying and loved every minute of it. He just recently got a new job as a supervisor of sorts on night shift of a big company. We get to see each other only if I wake up when he comes home at 3am because I have very unpredictable job at walgreens. He has made a friend of a woman thats under him because she is the only one that isn't scared of him or mad at him (he brought some order to his department when he moved jobs). Shes the only one that will sit with him during lunch or breaks. While I was glad that he wasn't lonely and he had a friend I had worries. I didn't voice them until he hung out with her a few days ago and he came home different. I asked if he cheated on me and he said no. I asked if he wanted to and he said yes. We talked about it. He feels terrible about it and he doesn't think I deserve it but he doesn't want to hurt her and he doesn't want to stop being friends with her. He ended up telling her what happened and she feels terrible. I told him the only way that anything is going to resolve itself is if he breaks things off with her now. The only thing they need to talk about is work and only when its necessary otherwise nothing will have changed and therefore his feelings for her will not go away. He agreed and was about to tell her but now he's fixing her things, texting her, dropping stuff off at her house just like before. I am devastated. I don't trust him anymore. We haven't even made it to our first anniversary. I am so mad at him and I don't want to resent my husband for the rest of my life. I am also mad at the other woman. I wouldn't have been if she had broken it off and not encouraged the friendship after finding out that it was hurting his marriage. Now all I want to do is to tell her to leave my husband alone and to stop talking to him. I really want to be nasty but I know thats not the right thing to do. I need advice on what to do. All I know right now is that I can't stand for him to be around me intimately right now so he's sleeping on the couch. Please help me.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I will pray that God grants you wisdom as to what you should do.

However here is my advise, I would not do the cold shoulder thing (.i.e. on the couch), my wife used to do that to me and it made me resent my wife at that time. It is in no way your fault what is happening, but don't give him and exscuse to be unfaithful.

What I would suggest you do is remind him of the reason why he married you in the first place, by that I don't mean tell him. But rather take him places you used to date, places you have shared, and tell him how important it was to you. And how important your relationship is still today.

 

[magicaxeman]

I think you both need to get some marriage guidance counselling right now, perhaps talk to your pastor and see if he knows of a counselling service or counsellor who could help?

 

[aiki]

I need advice. I need advice from older, wiser women or men than myself.
My husband and I will be married a year on 5/23/2016. I am 23 and he is 25. We are young. We had been together for 5 years before marrying and loved every minute of it. He just recently got a new job as a supervisor of sorts on night shift of a big company. We get to see each other only if I wake up when he comes home at 3am because I have very unpredictable job at walgreens. He has made a friend of a woman thats under him because she is the only one that isn't scared of him or mad at him (he brought some order to his department when he moved jobs). Shes the only one that will sit with him during lunch or breaks. While I was glad that he wasn't lonely and he had a friend I had worries. I didn't voice them until he hung out with her a few days ago and he came home different. I asked if he cheated on me and he said no. I asked if he wanted to and he said yes. We talked about it. He feels terrible about it and he doesn't think I deserve it but he doesn't want to hurt her and he doesn't want to stop being friends with her. He ended up telling her what happened and she feels terrible. I told him the only way that anything is going to resolve itself is if he breaks things off with her now. The only thing they need to talk about is work and only when its necessary otherwise nothing will have changed and therefore his feelings for her will not go away. He agreed and was about to tell her but now he's fixing her things, texting her, dropping stuff off at her house just like before. I am devastated. I don't trust him anymore. We haven't even made it to our first anniversary. I am so mad at him and I don't want to resent my husband for the rest of my life. I am also mad at the other woman. I wouldn't have been if she had broken it off and not encouraged the friendship after finding out that it was hurting his marriage. Now all I want to do is to tell her to leave my husband alone and to stop talking to him. I really want to be nasty but I know thats not the right thing to do. I need advice on what to do. All I know right now is that I can't stand for him to be around me intimately right now so he's sleeping on the couch. Please help me.

Not a word about God in your story. Where does He factor in to what's happening? Are you both born-again disciples of Christ? Are you both serious about your relationship with God? If not, then the best advice I could give you is to get serious with Him.

Your husband is being a schmuck. But the sort of thing he's doing doesn't typically happen in a healthy marriage relationship. Are you being a schmuck, too (though, in a different way)? What's he getting from this co-worker that he's not getting from you?

Marriage is God's institution. When you leave Him out of your marriage, it doesn't work the way it's supposed to.

Selah.

 

[ValleyGal]

Do you like to read> I have done a lot of reading and studies on the marriage relationship, and there are at least two books I absolutely recommend to all married couples. One is called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Read that one by yourself, and implement the principles in it. Your marriage needs them. The whole premise is that boundaries allow the good in to the marriage, and keep the bad out. Your husband is doing something that is having a devastating effect on your marriage, and you need to keep that out. Somehow, you need to convey to him that what he is doing is a direct threat to your marriage. You need to guard your marriage...and that also means you finding ways to also keep your heart soft towards him as you try to work through the pain he is causing you.

Another book is by Dr. John Gottman called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Gottman is a world-renowned researcher on marriage and has been voted by his peers as one of the top ten most influential psychologist-researchers of our time. I think you should read it first and evaluate your marriage, and then you and your husband should read it together so you are on the same page with how to have a unified marriage.

And the last thing I would like to address is commitment. Lewis Smedes wrote a book on commitment called Learning to Live the Love we Promised. I won't necessarily suggest reading it, although I would not discourage it either. This book goes into detail about commitment - it requires two things: caring and consistently. I take this a little further and suggest that the result of one person being committed through caring and consistency will result in the other person experiencing it as safety and security. When someone cares, you will feel safe; when they are consistent, you will feel secure.

Right now you are in pain because you likely feel like your husband does not care enough about you to stop with the other woman. You feel unsafe giving him your emotions, and you also likely feel insecure because he is not consistently showing that affection to you and you alone. So on a very deep level, you are quite likely questioning his commitment. It is a very painful thing to go through.

Honestly, my best advice is to read the two books I mentioned, and if at all possible, seek out a Gottman-trained therapist who can work with you to implement the principles that will help to make your marriage work.

No matter what you do or don't do, no matter if you are as nasty as a wife can come, it is absolutely NOT an excuse for him to go off and get involved with another woman, as has been implied by others. If your husband has a problem with you or your marriage, his responsibility is to discuss it with you, NOT to turn to another woman. This is a boundary that absolutely needs to be addressed.

 

[John Davidson]

I'd say that this is a very bad sign that your husband is doing this in the first year of marriage.

This sounds like a marriage that is doomed to fail.

I think the only hope for you two is to get counseling.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

This is why I am always against marriage so young. But that doesn't change the fact you are where you are now. Pray for him, get christian counseling. Don't give up yet or be cold to him. Fight for the marriage.

 

[tturt]

Highly recommend Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs based on Eph 5:33.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_&_Respect

Praying.

 

[Anjaylia]

I am not married at all, you don't have to listen to my advice, but I still want to give you my opinion.

I can understand how you're upset and whatnot. At this point in your relationship, he still hasn't completely overstepped the boundaries to the point of no return. He may have had an emotional affair, but have not done anything physical yet. I believe the problem lies in the fact that she was able to spend time with him when you weren't able to, due to the conflicting work schedules. He may be deprived of emotional and sexual needs, and feel that she is able to give them to him while you cannot.

What you may want to do is kill him with your sexual appeal/kindness, lure or seduce him back to you. Do something romantic together, dress up or look beautiful. Be nice to him, cook him dinner or make him soup. Be the sweet and amazing wife that you are, until he becomes filled with a guilty conscience.

Tell him that he cannot have a close friendship with her anymore because he already has a thing for her, and it will lead to more. Tell him that you will give him what he needs, whether it's sex or spending time with him. He has to make a choice now, to either choose you or her. If he chooses to still be friends with her, then tell him he made the choice already; he loves her more than you. He does not care enough about you to save the marriage even after you offer to met his needs. I think it's time to file for divorce.

 

[tturt]

Emotional relationships are dangerous.

Is he a believer? Yeshua said "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matt 5:27-28 "Abstain from all appearance of evil." I Thess 5:22

Since your husband admitted he wanted to cheat on you, then he needs to repent and asks Yahweh to remove all fleshly feelings he has towards her. Then stay away from her unless it's necessary at the office. Also, at some point you need to forgive both of them (Matt 6, Lord's Prayer).

 

[Radagast]

I think you both need to get some marriage guidance counselling right now, perhaps talk to your pastor and see if he knows of a counselling service or counsellor who could help?

I agree.

 

[Mudinyeri]

1. Pray for your marriage. Pray for your husband and ask others to pray for your marriage.

2. Go see a credentialed Christian counselor with your husband yesterday! (By credentialed, I mean one who has a degree in counseling or a related field and who is licensed to practice in your state.)

3. I'd probably reach out to the "other woman" if I was in your shoes, but that may or may not be good advice depending on all of the surrounding circumstances.

 

[seashale76]

None of it is on you here. Nothing you're doing or not doing is going to matter if he's determined to cut you out of the picture to be with another woman. All of this coming to light and his guilt has not stopped him from being with this woman anyway. Face facts, he's with her right now in ways that will destroy a marriage and the fact that you're hurt by it hasn't stopped him. He already is with the other woman emotionally. He already is still doing things with her and ignoring the fact he's hurting you to do it. Here are your options: 1) Insist on counseling, 2) Tell him you are going to divorce him if he doesn't agree to the counseling. I know a lot of people are anti-ultimatum, but he is the one that has ignored his vows to be faithful, and you do not have to and should not have put up with it (and that is scriptural). I'll be blunt. You haven't been married a year. Prepare yourself for getting divorced.

 

[Radagast]

None of it is on you here. Nothing you're doing or not doing is going to matter if he's determined to cut you out of the picture to be with another woman. All of this coming to light and his guilt has not stopped him from being with this woman anyway. Face facts, he's with her right now in ways that will destroy a marriage and the fact that you're hurt by it hasn't stopped him. He already is with the other woman emotionally. He already is still doing things with her and ignoring the fact he's hurting you to do it. Here are your options: 1) Insist on counseling, 2) Tell him you are going to divorce him if he doesn't agree to the counseling. I know a lot of people are anti-ultimatum, but he is the one that has ignored his vows to be faithful, and you do not have to and should not have put up with it (and that is scriptural). I'll be blunt. You haven't been married a year. Prepare yourself for getting divorced.

It's all very, very sad, but I think this is right.

 

[JAM2b]

IMO, he has violated your trust. You set boundaries and instructed him on what it would take to repair the trust he broke. He has now violated that after agreeing to it.

Stick to your guns. He will not respect you if you do not. You do not have to be doomed to be a doormat in your marriage.

No one is perfect, and no marriage is either. But do not take the blame for him being unfaithful. Adults are fully responsible for their own behavior. Everyone struggles to do the right thing in their marriage, but not every one cheats, and using someone else's shortcoming (real or perceived) as an excuse furthers the depth of damage done to the one who was betrayed.

Marriage is sacred. Show him how much by digging in your heels and not backing down. He can get with it and heal the relationship or deal with the natural consequences that come with that.

Seek marriage counseling, and support from friends and family. Insist on him being accountable.

And as far as "cold shoulder" that was mentioned by another poster... you do not have to do anything you are uncomfortable with. If someone feels resentment because there are consequences to their bad actions, then that's just part of it. He has wronged you. You do not have to bend over backwards to make him feel loved and comforted.

On a personal note, I let these same types of issues slide in my marriage and my ex cheated on me, and he gave me STDs more than once because I was "submissive" and going over and beyond to show him how much I loved him and wanted to make it work. I would never do that ever again, and I don't advise anyone else to either.

 

[farout]

Not a word about God in your story. Where does He factor in to what's happening? Are you both born-again disciples of Christ? Are you both serious about your relationship with God? If not, then the best advice I could give you is to get serious with Him.

Your husband is being a schmuck. But the sort of thing he's doing doesn't typically happen in a healthy marriage relationship. Are you being a schmuck, too (though, in a different way)? What's he getting from this co-worker that he's not getting from you?

Marriage is God's institution. When you leave Him out of your marriage, it doesn't work the way it's supposed to.

Selah.

very good advice!

 

[farout]

Not a word about God in your story. Where does He factor in to what's happening? Are you both born-again disciples of Christ? Are you both serious about your relationship with God? If not, then the best advice I could give you is to get serious with Him.

Your husband is being a schmuck. But the sort of thing he's doing doesn't typically happen in a healthy marriage relationship. Are you being a schmuck, too (though, in a different way)? What's he getting from this co-worker that he's not getting from you?

Marriage is God's institution. When you leave Him out of your marriage, it doesn't work the way it's supposed to.

Selah.

Excellent post!

 

[farout]

I think you both need to get some marriage guidance counselling right now, perhaps talk to your pastor and see if he knows of a counselling service or counsellor who could help?

Perfect reply!

 

[farout]

Emotional relationships are dangerous.

Is he a believer? Yeshua said "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matt 5:27-28 "Abstain from all appearance of evil." I Thess 5:22

Since your husband admitted he wanted to cheat on you, then he needs to repent and asks Yahweh to remove all fleshly feelings he has towards her. Then stay away from her unless it's necessary at the office. Also, at some point you need to forgive both of them (Matt 6, Lord's Prayer).

Well said!

 

[farout]

Not a word about God in your story. Where does He factor in to what's happening? Are you both born-again disciples of Christ? Are you both serious about your relationship with God? If not, then the best advice I could give you is to get serious with Him.

Your husband is being a schmuck. But the sort of thing he's doing doesn't typically happen in a healthy marriage relationship. Are you being a schmuck, too (though, in a different way)? What's he getting from this co-worker that he's not getting from you?

Marriage is God's institution. When you leave Him out of your marriage, it doesn't work the way it's supposed to.

Selah.

I can't help but wonder if they had marriage counseling before they got married. I also wonder if they lived together before marriage, or were involved sexually? All these are symptoms of not entering into a Covenant marriage. With God all things are possible, but with people with hard hearts often there is no wanting to seek God.