Last September, I discovered my husband was having an affair - he claims it was an emotional affair, and all I had to go by were our phone records. It was with an old acquaintance from college who called him out of the blue because she was going through a divorce (her husband cheated on her). The next several months were a roller coaster as we tried marriage counseling but no success there. I was putting everything I had into trying to save the marriage and he was not hot and cold, but lukewarm and cold all the time.
In November, I learned they were still communicating by phone (this time, our house phone). He was extremely remorseful again for a few days but then went back to old moods and habits. In December, he asked for a divorce and moved out to his parent's home. Three weeks later, he didn't want a divorce. He moved back in and that barely lasted two weeks because he found himself resenting having to be with me when he knew there was someone else out there. He left AGAIN amidst tears that he loved me, but was afraid of hurting me and didn't know if he could get over what he had with someone else.
About 5 weeks later (by this time its February 2010), we saw each other unexpectedly and had a nice time. He began calling and texting a little more. A few days after this, I did a little snooping and guessed the password to his email. Something about his "emotional" affair just kept bothering me. I have never done ANYTHING like this before but it revealed the truth. The emotional affair he always swore he had was so much more. I saw the emails, the photos, etc. As well as an emotional affair, it was definitely sexual too. I had a breakdown and disappeared for a week. He was frantic with worry over not being able to reach me and when I got back in town and contacted him, he said he did not want a divorce, he wanted to work this out, he wanted to be happy with me again, etc. After he had seen me unexpectedly that day, he realized how much he really loved me and he'd been hoping that we could begin working on things from there. He was very intense for about a week and has since cooled off a lot. He claims that things between us now are "not natural" and "awkward" and he's "finding it hard to be in a relationship with me again". I understand that things don't automatically go back to the way they were and I feel uncomfortable at times as well, but I refuse to let it get in my way? He says that he has had no contact whatsoever with her. Yesterday, I asked him to show me his email accounts so that I can begin on the road to openness and trusting again and he would not go beyond his general inbox because he had other folders with old (so he claims) emails from her. He wouldn't go any further and refused to be open. I told him this was a BIG problem and even though those emails might be months old and he hasn't looked at them in awhile, the fact that he is still hanging on to them sends me a clear message to me.
I have really turned to my faith in all of this but I'm really about ready to thrown in the towel. I believe I've reached my breaking point and while I understand it takes awhile to get over someone else, this is getting ridiculous. I'm tired of him saying one thing and doing another. Any perspectives? Advice? It would be GREATLY appreciated.
Valerie
In November, I learned they were still communicating by phone (this time, our house phone). He was extremely remorseful again for a few days but then went back to old moods and habits. In December, he asked for a divorce and moved out to his parent's home. Three weeks later, he didn't want a divorce. He moved back in and that barely lasted two weeks because he found himself resenting having to be with me when he knew there was someone else out there. He left AGAIN amidst tears that he loved me, but was afraid of hurting me and didn't know if he could get over what he had with someone else.
About 5 weeks later (by this time its February 2010), we saw each other unexpectedly and had a nice time. He began calling and texting a little more. A few days after this, I did a little snooping and guessed the password to his email. Something about his "emotional" affair just kept bothering me. I have never done ANYTHING like this before but it revealed the truth. The emotional affair he always swore he had was so much more. I saw the emails, the photos, etc. As well as an emotional affair, it was definitely sexual too. I had a breakdown and disappeared for a week. He was frantic with worry over not being able to reach me and when I got back in town and contacted him, he said he did not want a divorce, he wanted to work this out, he wanted to be happy with me again, etc. After he had seen me unexpectedly that day, he realized how much he really loved me and he'd been hoping that we could begin working on things from there. He was very intense for about a week and has since cooled off a lot. He claims that things between us now are "not natural" and "awkward" and he's "finding it hard to be in a relationship with me again". I understand that things don't automatically go back to the way they were and I feel uncomfortable at times as well, but I refuse to let it get in my way? He says that he has had no contact whatsoever with her. Yesterday, I asked him to show me his email accounts so that I can begin on the road to openness and trusting again and he would not go beyond his general inbox because he had other folders with old (so he claims) emails from her. He wouldn't go any further and refused to be open. I told him this was a BIG problem and even though those emails might be months old and he hasn't looked at them in awhile, the fact that he is still hanging on to them sends me a clear message to me.
I have really turned to my faith in all of this but I'm really about ready to thrown in the towel. I believe I've reached my breaking point and while I understand it takes awhile to get over someone else, this is getting ridiculous. I'm tired of him saying one thing and doing another. Any perspectives? Advice? It would be GREATLY appreciated.
Valerie
Praying!
