My husband and I are at our wits end

[coffee4u]

I would take a closer look at school. Some children are really quiet and well behaved at school because they are anxious and stressed and then it all comes out as anger and rudeness when they get home. Like opening a bottle under pressure.

I would sit down and talk to him and his teachers. Oftentimes school can get a lot harder round about 12-13 plus puberty and hormones are coming into play.
If your son has any type of learning issue or any other differences that might set him apart it can really affect his day to day life at school by this age. Work is more, peers are less forgiving. The stress of focusing and coping with it all can be too much. I have not read this thread, just skimmed over a little.

If none of the above applies then I would tomato stake him like a smaller child, but I would be more silent about it. He's heard all the words before, sometimes silence can be more meaningful.

"he will leave the doors open where it comes in from the garage even after JUST telling him to close them"

If you are right in front of him as you come in just stand and wait until he closes it.

"eats in the living room when he is not supposed to"

Follow him when he grabs food. Wait and see what he does. Ask him where he should eat, follow him there.

He knows what is expected, which is why I would be as silent as possible. Just make your presence known and ensure what you want done is done. Point to the door or the table or whatever it is. Your silence presence will annoy him for sure so let him know as soon as he acts responsibly you will stop following him. The other reason for trying to be silent is its harder to get into an argument and oh boy are tweens and teens good at arguing.

 

[God saves]

Since I wrote this late last night, I did fail to mention that he does have something called APD (Auditory Processing Disorder) He was diagnosed with it 4 years ago. Not much we can do for it at home since the device we need is NOT covered by insurance and its waay too much for us to afford out of pocket. But he is getting what he needs for it at school. And that makes a difference. He was screened for ADHD and does not have it. But I am pretty sure he has anxiety. I think he worries more than he should for his age. I've been helping him with that at home too tho.

I am not a parent, however since your son has been diagnosed with Auditory Processing Disorder (which from what I have read, to my understanding is difficulty processing sounds despite normal hearing/no hearing loss e.g. hearing the word "cat" as "sat"), perhaps your son isn't always sure what is being said, so isn't always sure what is being asked of him? It might be a good idea to make sure your son knows what is being said and to repeat what is said if necessary, and maybe also use gestures, visuals, written directions, and/or show or point to what needs to be done to get your point across.

Also, for some children and teenagers, only giving 1 direction at a time may be helpful because some children may have difficulty remembering to do multiple instructions at a time, and/or may have difficulty with processing verbal or written directions.