My girl's (and my) terrible past - need advice

[ImperialPhantom]

Well, I'm gonna say it: Step away from your girlfriend. Work on your relationship with God, because (contrary to popular church-culture belief) something is NOT right if you or anyone else feels it's their place to forgive their spouse for previous sexual acts. That's God's place and God's place only, and if God says she's forgiven, who is anyone else to say that she isn't forgiven or to hold it against her?

 

[Gottseidank]

If she was the world's most pure virgin ever, she could turn around and cheat on you with 10 different guys down the road after you are married. Or she could go the route of making a few mistakes when she is young, learning from them, and living a pure existence and being 100% loyal to you for the remainder of her life. Good people have done some very crappy things. To think of some of the things I have done in the past appalls me. But I've moved on, God has moved on, and my fiance certainly has moved on. There is so much life in front of you to wast time thinking about this stuff.

It really presents a problem when one partner has a sinful past and the other [kind of] does but not really. I almost think it's better for people who can't seem to move past stuff if both partners have an equally sinful (or not) past. Not that sinning is ever a good thing.

So decide one way or the other how you feel and go according to that. But don't stick around and be secretly judging her.

Thank you, this was helpful to read!

I am still with her and I prayed a lot and still sometimes am praying about it. It's like a wound which is getting better the more time passes by, but still it hurts when I get to know more details (of her past) or think about it to much. Though, I really feel like God made me get over it.

The most helpful thing is to think of my own sins...!

What makes my worry, though, is how I will deal with this in future. Will this wound ever heal completely? Or will it hurt forever (even though not much)?

My conclusion is, only God can move me in the right direction (i.e. decision) and I am praying about this every day...

Thanks for the other helpful replies also. I appreciate it!

 

[Gottseidank]

Well, I'm gonna say it: Step away from your girlfriend. Work on your relationship with God, because (contrary to popular church-culture belief) something is NOT right if you or anyone else feels it's their place to forgive their spouse for previous sexual acts. That's God's place and God's place only, and if God says she's forgiven, who is anyone else to say that she isn't forgiven or to hold it against her?

Are you sure?

I think if you marry, your body belongs not only to God, but also to your spouse. So if you sin against your body, you sin against your (future) spouse also, as you treat your body not the way your spouse would want it. That goes for watching inappropriate contentography or masturbation also.

 

[Luther073082]

Are you sure?

I think if you marry, your body belongs not only to God, but also to your spouse. So if you sin against your body, you sin against your (future) spouse also, as you treat your body not the way your spouse would want it. That goes for watching inappropriate contentography or masturbation also.

Your body belongs to your spouse AFTER you marry. Not before.

When you marry you take the body that you chose to marry AS IT IS NOW. It may carry baggage with it, and its for you to decide if you want to marry or not.

There is nothing biblical to say that you can sin against someone you've never met and do not know, but even if it where possible then think about this. . .

If pre-marital sex sins against your future spouse, does not dating other people prior to you getting married also mean you have sinned and cheated on your future spouse??? Because when you marry EVERYTHING save for your eternal soul belongs to your spouse.

If dating another person before you are married is a sin, then every single time you go out on a date with a person you don't marry you are sinning.

Pre-marital sex isn't a sin against a future spouse, its a sin against God and his intentions for human sexuality.

The other major problem I have with this idea is that if we hold that pre-marital sex is a sin against the future spouse, then by logic a lot of people use, they would say "Well we are going to get married, so because we are planning on getting married, we can go ahead and have sex." Thats an out and out heresy that this line of thinking produces. And its been used as an excuse more times then I can count. And those relationships have also failed to marry more times then I can count too.

But if pre-marital sex is a sin against God, not some future spouse, then its impossible to have sex before you are married without sin. Because its not about the WHO, but about the WHEN. God intends for us to wait for the married relationship, not to wait for the person we think we are going to marry.

If I had had sex with my wife prior to marriage (which we didn't) the fact that we are married now would not have made that prior sex somehow OK. Because its God's intention that sexuality only be used in a married relationship.

 

[SisterKatie]

One thing that puzzles me is that the opening poster seems to think he is a virgin after having watched and masturbated infront of thousands of perverse films which dehumanising and objectified people.

You have, indeed with your money and attention supported prostitution and you probably have loads of perverse images and movies in your head and will have them for many years to come, even in your marriage bed. And you are wondering if you can live with the fact that a girl - probably drunk at the time or under the influence of really low-selfesteem or crave for true love - slept with a guy on their first date.

Don't get me wrong. I understand why you are upset and very uncomfortable about the fact that your girl has had sex with other men.
Not one man or woman likes to think of the person they love, giving that expression of total surrender to another person. We are not created to like that image at all.. its not in accordance with our nature. We were created for exclusivity with just one person of the opposite sex.

Yet I always feel that a person who has watched inappropriate contentography over a long period of time is more damaged in his sexuality and ability to give himself than a person who has had some, possibly complicated and unfulfilling sexual experience a few times due to emotional problems etc...
I'd much prefer to be the spouse of a person who had had a few actual sexual encounters in the past than someone who had spent endless hours wallowing in perversity infront of recordings of people - who have often been molested as children and who are now on drugs - sell themselves and risk all kinds of dangerous diseases so that some lazy guy can touch somewhere far away...

Sorry dude.. but you gotta take a long look at your own past sins, if you think that what your girl friend has done is much worse than what you did.

Peace to you...

 

[bklatinarab92]

well i have a really similiar situation with my girlfriend but the tables are turned and its alot worse. I cheated on her before i came to christ. I wasn't alwas like that i used to hae respect for woman and myself but as time past and my friends influence grew i learned their ways selfishishness. i rather not go into detail about those things but they were really bad. so after i came to christ i confessed. and even that i didnt do it right it was a little at a time.

See before i came to christ my heart was cold and i had no love other than for myself but after i knew christ i started to love her. and i liked her alot. i knew it would be hard to say something risking that i would lose her. but i couldn't live i lie. so i told her, she deserved to know the truth. well its been REALLY hard to live with, she cant get over my past and were still struggling. i guess she feels like you do. i mean i wish i could take them back but christ love has cleaned over that. if you can get over it can you help me and my gf?

 

[paul becke]

You need to realise that, as a non-believer at that earlier time, she would not be held by God to the same standard as a Christian. She even could still have been a better person in God's eyes than a nominal Christian without that much love in their heart.

Remember, Mary Madgalene, and the answer Jesus gave to those who judged her for her PAST. Not that your wife's past was anything like Mary's. She was doing what comes naturally if you don't have a religious belief. Mary Magdalene, moreover, was probably the closest person to the Virgin Mary of all Jesus' companions.

More important, don't presume to judge your wife in religious matters. We all have enough failings of our own to occupy our attention. Different if she was an axe-murderer, of course.

Very good post, SisterKatie. Not that I've aways been innocent, myself.

 

[BleedingHeart]

One thing that puzzles me is that the opening poster seems to think he is a virgin after having watched and masturbated infront of thousands of perverse films which dehumanising and objectified people.


You have, indeed with your money and attention supported prostitution and you probably have loads of perverse images and movies in your head and will have them for many years to come, even in your marriage bed. And you are wondering if you can live with the fact that a girl - probably drunk at the time or under the influence of really low-selfesteem or crave for true love - slept with a guy on their first date.

Don't get me wrong. I understand why you are upset and very uncomfortable about the fact that your girl has had sex with other men.
Not one man or woman likes to think of the person they love, giving that expression of total surrender to another person. We are not created to like that image at all.. its not in accordance with our nature. We were created for exclusivity with just one person of the opposite sex.

Yet I always feel that a person who has watched inappropriate contentography over a long period of time is more damaged in his sexuality and ability to give himself than a person who has had some, possibly complicated and unfulfilling sexual experience a few times due to emotional problems etc...
I'd much prefer to be the spouse of a person who had had a few actual sexual encounters in the past than someone who had spent endless hours wallowing in perversity infront of recordings of people - who have often been molested as children and who are now on drugs - sell themselves and risk all kinds of dangerous diseases so that some lazy guy can touch somewhere far away...

Sorry dude.. but you gotta take a long look at your own past sins, if you think that what your girl friend has done is much worse than what you did.

Peace to you...

One thing that puzzles me is that Sister claims the Topic Poster has masterbated in front of videos, but how would she know that? I've probably seen just as many but I haven't masterbated in front of one.

In fact, she claims a great many things. That the girl was "probably drunk" when she did it. That she was "craving true love" as she did it. That she was suffering from low self-esteem. How can you really go about knowing any of this for certain. It's just speculation.

Isn't it possible that the Topic Poster was also suffering from low self-esteem? That maybe he was craving true love, but was misguided and thought it affiliated with sex?
Why does it seem that you, as a Christian, are holding one "sin" as less destructive than the other? Why are you giving the woman the benefit of the doubt, but not the guy?
Topic Poster: Like everyone seems to be saying you seem to be struggling in terms of pride, not in terms of any Christian morals or ideals. Just get over it, and accept the fact that what has happened has happened, it's just the way the world works, and all the fretting and fussing in the world will not change that.

 

[Monaleezza]

Wow I applaud her.
Firstly for making herself vulnerable and confessing quite intimate (unnecessary) detail about her past. I mean after how many dates she done the deed, surely that's on a need to know basis and who needs to know that??

But secondly, because she's said that was who she was and while she regrets it she isn't harnessed with guilt because of it. Well done girl!!

So many women, myself included, are shackled by the shame of our past sexual experiences. So much so that we're unable to look at our wonderful progress and exactly how far we've come without focusing on our terrible start.

Be the boyfriend that the others weren't! Put them to shame! Stand up and show yourself to be men among men, honorable, respectful and righteous! Make her feel like the princess that she is. Spoil her, love and adore her.

And if you can't do that, what are you waiting around for?

 

[Fatally.Yours]

Oh wow, she had sex with a couple of guys on the first date. Big deal.
If you like her, why should it matter?