My girl's (and my) terrible past - need advice

[Gottseidank]

Dear brothers and sister in Christ,

I need your advice... This issue kills me from inside!

I try to make it short:

I was born again 2-3 years ago, before (and also some time after) I was living in sin; porn addiction, lust, pride ect.

I was also single for a long time (matches with my kind of sin, huh?) and still am virgin. Now that's not my achievement, I was just "too dumb to get laid".

Now prayers came true, I met this Christian girl and we became a couple 2 weeks ago. (Im not sure if she really is born again...)

The issue is, we agreed from the start to be 100% honest and so I confessed about my porn addiction which I have overcome by now, thank God!

She also said, that she had a few boyfriends before and with one she also moved together, so logically she is not a virgin and she also said, she regrets that (having sex before marriage).

However, yesterday I came to know ALL the details about her prior life....

I was shocked.

She had 3 boyfriends and 2 others guys she dated and she had sex with all of them... The worst part is, she had sex with one guy on the first date (they stayed together for 1,5 years) and with the other guys after only a couple dates...

She said, that's how she used to think, she was not a Christian back then and thought it was OK.

I however was raised very strictly in that regard. My sister married as a virgin and so when she told me all that, I couldnt stop myself of thinking: You sl....

I become sick to my stomach, when I picture her giving herself away to some guy after one lousy date... It feels like she got defiled and this kinda poisons everything between us...

Dont get me wrong, I know I'm a damn sinner also and I dont even want to judge what kind of sin is "worse", if you can say that about sin at all...

I just don't know what to do now... This f***ing KILLS me. I was so happy to meet her and except for that issue, everything was going well between us. I also feel she was very embarrased to tell me and I value that she was honest about it.

But at the same time I get the feeling, she does not think it's that big of a deal. I dont feel that she got a bad conscience because of that or that she ever asked God earnestly for forgiveness...

What should I do now? What would Jesus do? Just forgive her? Should I break up? It would be hard. Staying together however is also hard, this issue is between us...

What do you think??? What is biblically and morally right and neccessary to do now? Ever lived thru something comparable?

 

[bliz]

I think you have some gall to find her past sins unacceptable. She had X number of sexual encounters. How many did you watch when you were watching porn?
Are you somehow holier because you were "too dumb to get laid"?

God, who is perfect and pure in every way has (or is) willing to forgive her and love her completely, but you, with all of your imperfections, aren't sure if she's salvageable. Such hubris!

If you cannot accept her and her past, break off the relationship and move on. You don't deserve her.

 

[Aimiel]

Amen. You have been forgiven, but that forgiveness was withdrawn by your own un-forgiveness towards her. You will only be forgiven by the amount of forgiveness you show others. My wife has a pass with me. I forgave her for everything she ever did. If she does anything in the future, I will forgive her. It's my duty, and she is forgiven without me even thinking about it. Thank God for His ability to forget our sin. We should be so forgiving that we could forget. That is love: no longer even remembering the sin.

 

[Gottseidank]

I think you have some gall to find her past sins unacceptable. She had X number of sexual encounters. How many did you watch when you were watching porn?
Are you somehow holier because you were "too dumb to get laid"?

God, who is perfect and pure in every way has (or is) willing to forgive her and love her completely, but you, with all of your imperfections, aren't sure if she's salvageable. Such hubris!

If you cannot accept her and her past, break off the relationship and move on. You don't deserve her.

I'm not holier, certainly.

And also I really don't want to have such thoughts! I'd love to return to my previous state, where I thought: "OK, she's not a virgin and she has had a sinful past, just like me. No big deal. Forget about it."

But this exactly has become so hard since I came to know all the details. Especially that she would sleep with those guys on the first dates. I really don't know why that little details bothers me so much, but it does.

Trust me, I'd LOVE to be able to forgive & forget all that... Emphasis on "be able".

Also what bothers me, I don't know if she REALLY repented of it or if she thinks it's all not such a big deal at all.... To me it is and if I know for sure that she repented, it would be so much easier...

 

[Gottseidank]

Amen. You have been forgiven, but that forgiveness was withdrawn by your own un-forgiveness towards her. You will only be forgiven by the amount of forgiveness you show others. My wife has a pass with me. I forgave her for everything she ever did. If she does anything in the future, I will forgive her. It's my duty, and she is forgiven without me even thinking about it. Thank God for His ability to forget our sin. We should be so forgiving that we could forget. That is love: no longer even remembering the sin.

Thanks, bro, for reminding me.

The "funny" thing is, before I came to know about these details from her, we were talking about a certain person she used to know (and feels bad about) and I was repeating to her all the time: You gotta forgive her, or otherwise God won't forgive you.

God sometimes has real painful ways of teaching us...

 

[gzt]

Eh, if you had the chance, you would've had sex on the first date or after a couple dates too back in the day. Women aren't any different from men, so don't hold up a double standard. You've both grown up and repented of your sins, so put it behind you.

 

[gzt]

But, yeah, in general, going into prurient detail about one's past isn't a terribly great idea, as you're finding out the hard way.

 

[Aimiel]

Thanks, bro, for reminding me.

The "funny" thing is, before I came to know about these details from her, we were talking about a certain person she used to know (and feels bad about) and I was repeating to her all the time: You gotta forgive her, or otherwise God won't forgive you.

God sometimes has real painful ways of teaching us...

When that happens... all we can say is: "Look at God!"

 

[Luther073082]

But, yeah, in general, going into prurient detail about one's past isn't a terribly great idea, as you're finding out the hard way.

I agree, you know all you need to know about her past. You don't need to find out more details about it.

My advice is to not think about this kind of stuff in detail.

How do you deal with the fact that your sister is married and also having sex. What about your parents?

You just don't think about those things in detail and you are way better off. Its the same thing here.

 

[bliz]

I'm not holier, certainly.

And also I really don't want to have such thoughts! I'd love to return to my previous state, where I thought: "OK, she's not a virgin and she has had a sinful past, just like me. No big deal. Forget about it."

But this exactly has become so hard since I came to know all the details. Especially that she would sleep with those guys on the first dates. I really don't know why that little details bothers me so much, but it does.

Trust me, I'd LOVE to be able to forgive & forget all that... Emphasis on "be able".

Also what bothers me, I don't know if she REALLY repented of it or if she thinks it's all not such a big deal at all.... To me it is and if I know for sure that she repented, it would be so much easier...

It is because you cannot forgive that you need to end the relationship.

I believe that you wish it were different. But you have made the case that you cannot. And, because you cannot, you need to set her free to find someone else.

 

[Gottseidank]

Eh, if you had the chance, you would've had sex on the first date or after a couple dates too back in the day. Women aren't any different from men, so don't hold up a double standard. You've both grown up and repented of your sins, so put it behind you.

Yeah, I guess you are perfectly right on that. Thx man.

However... you said "women aren't any different from men"... Still, a man who has sex on the first date is generally not viewed as bad as a girl doing the same thing, right?

Im not saying that kind of double standard is correct, but apparently (at least in my view) this double standard does exist in the world and of course we are Christians and therefore not supposed to share such standards... but still it kinda shines thru... *confused*

 

[gzt]

Yeah, I guess you are perfectly right on that. Thx man.

However... you said "women aren't any different from men"... Still, a man who has sex on the first date is generally not viewed as bad as a girl doing the same thing, right?

Im not saying that kind of double standard is correct, but apparently (at least in my view) this double standard does exist in the world and of course we are Christians and therefore not supposed to share such standards... but still it kinda shines thru... *confused*

It's the world's double standard. It certainly does exist in the world. As Christians, we view both acts as being just as wrong, but just as forgivable. As Christians, we don't believe it's more okay for the guy and less okay for the girl in that situation, that's the world shining through.

EDIT: So there are two ways girls aren't different from men here.
1. They want sex just as much as men, so, absent moral objections against it, they may be willing to engage in just the same behaviors as men.
2. Extramarital sex is just as wrong - no more, no less - for them as for men.

 

[Gottseidank]

It's the world's double standard. It certainly does exist in the world. As Christians, we view both acts as being just as wrong, but just as forgivable. As Christians, we don't believe it's more okay for the guy and less okay for the girl in that situation, that's the world shining through.

EDIT: So there are two ways girls aren't different from men here.
1. They want sex just as much as men, so, absent moral objections against it, they may be willing to engage in just the same behaviors as men.
2. Extramarital sex is just as wrong - no more, no less - for them as for men.

You're right, again...

But help me understand myself... What bothers me so much is not that she had premarital sex... What bothers me is that she gave herself away so early, just after one or more dates. Why is THAT little detail so hard to accept?

If it would be only for the premarital sex I would not open such a stupid thread... Gosh I really am going crazy on this issue... Sorry yall.

 

[gzt]

Deeply ingrained cultural conditioning (girls who give it up == [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth], especially if they give it up fast) combined with some measure of twisted right morality (right morality: premarital sex is wrong, but twisted in that it becomes the gravest of ills, almost unforgivable, trust me, this happens a lot).

 

[BranwenUerchLlyr]

You're right, again...

But help me understand myself... What bothers me so much is not that she had premarital sex... What bothers me is that she gave herself away so early, just after one or more dates. Why is THAT little detail so hard to accept?

If it would be only for the premarital sex I would not open such a stupid thread... Gosh I really am going crazy on this issue... Sorry yall.

It is because of the culturally ingrained idea that a woman's sexuality is a commodity. You reflect this in your own words--"giving herself away so early." You would never hear about a man giving himself away sexually, early or not, because when men have sex, the popular language used indicates that they've gained something. This is a more accurate way of wording things. When she had sex, she didn't give anything away, she gained an experience.

When you think about sex in terms of her giving herself away as a commodity, then it makes her "price" seem rather cheap--worth exactly the price of one date. That was certainly not what happened from her perspective--she gained the experience of a date and the experience of sex, there was no trade and nothing was given away.

 

[mylife4his]

dude, pray about it. God can forgive her, but can you? If your having a hard time now... Marriage won't make it better. I know you must feel sick man about all this. But if there was someway you could get away, I would. Love though is hard to break away from. That though, is very serious. Pray man. But why you cussing man?

 

[mylife4his]

Man I would feel the same way...Almost like your stuck, if you can.. Break Away.

 

[ModestGirlsRock]

I do know a comparable situation. I'm in a relationship right now like yours. My boyfriend and I have had to share our past mistakes. We understand God's infinite mercy and how each other's sins are looked at as the same in God's eyes. We feel blessed to be in this relationship, and we think God for bringing us together.

As for the "details", when you're learning about someone's past, you have to ask yourself, "What do I want to know and why do I want to know that? What's the point of having that information?"

 

[VictoriasImage77]

If she was the world's most pure virgin ever, she could turn around and cheat on you with 10 different guys down the road after you are married. Or she could go the route of making a few mistakes when she is young, learning from them, and living a pure existence and being 100% loyal to you for the remainder of her life. Good people have done some very crappy things. To think of some of the things I have done in the past appalls me. But I've moved on, God has moved on, and my fiance certainly has moved on. There is so much life in front of you to wast time thinking about this stuff.

It really presents a problem when one partner has a sinful past and the other [kind of] does but not really. I almost think it's better for people who can't seem to move past stuff if both partners have an equally sinful (or not) past. Not that sinning is ever a good thing.

So decide one way or the other how you feel and go according to that. But don't stick around and be secretly judging her.

 

[topgunbar0]

I've been going through something very similar. The girl I've been dating has had sex with 3 guys, but she is as pure as God's hand in my opinion. She's amazing and an angel.

I put her through so much, made her cry so many times, because I held this over her head. And I took her for my sexual satisfaction as well, I had such pride and arrogance and was a disgusting being.

I broke up with her 3x because I was becoming bitter and hard-hearted. I kept hurting her.

I realized it was my relationship with Christ that needed to be realigned, not my relationship with her. I've broken up with her so that God may test us both to follow him. It has brought me so much closer to him and I get glimpses of how God sees her throughout the day, and I can't help but tear up. He loves her so much more than I ever will.

It's something that is going to take a while, but the only permanent peace and comfort you'll find is through God. I have to forgive her and pray through it daily, by will, and God brings me comfort. However, I'm willing to do it, because it brings me closer to the one I love the most and who loves me the most, God.

He brought us together to bring us closer to him. I hope once I'm realigned in Christ, I can start to date this girl building a relationship around him. He's broken me to bring me closer to him, but I ask him to test me everyday to make sure that I am not doing this for her, I'm doing this for God, my savior. Because if I'm trying to fill myself with the holy spirit because of this girl not for him, I'm not going to experience it.

If he calls me to someone else, I understand that. But I do desire to be able to be the guy who will have the chance once again to treat her like a princess, to love her unconditionally like God, and to support her throughout her earthly life, and most importantly, strengthen our spiritual relationship through God and share with others.

I'm a work in progress and everything good in me has come from God. He's already done wonders. I'm not saying stepping away from your girlfriend is the answer, but the only true answer is God.