My fiancé doesn't want to go to church with me.

[Ladybarker86]

I met my fiancé at church We have been dating for a really long time. Then we finally decided to get married. We haven't been going to church in a while so I figured we need to go. I would say lets go to church on Saturday night and call him on Sunday morning. Then he won't pick up his phone until the afternoon if at all. I know he lives farther away from the church than I do so I suggested we go to a different church closer to him. Still no changes. I ask him why and he finally tells me to stop making it so personal. He doesn't want to go to church just to please me but on his own terms. This doesn't sound good to me. Especially when we are getting married in March 2015. I try my best to compensate and go out of my way for him to go but then he says that I shouldn't have to fix his problems. I get really depressed and sad when he doesn't go to church with me. He being a regular church goer is one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. I try to tell him what I go through and he just tells me to quit making it so personal, or that we already had this conversation and there is no need for more explaining. I'm trying really hard to just leave him alone about it and go by myself or go with my Dad. But I end up crying a little every Sunday. He's not going to be like this during our marriage, is he?

 

[ValleyGal]

Yes. Actually, chances are he will be worse about it...and about discounting how you feel about it. Imo, this is a huge warning bell and you should seek pastoral counsel immediately. Do not wait for pre-marital counsel - go for it now, before it's too close to the wedding date. I also urge you to seek out a program on marriage preparation (imo, the pastors who officiate do not do a very good job at this).

 

[Ladybarker86]

I can't even get him to pre-wed counseling. He says we don't need it cause he loves me enough that he will marry me no matter what.

 

[Inkachu]

Do NOT marry this guy.

A man who is committed to marrying you and has nothing to hide will not be opposed to premarital counseling. The fact that he is opposed tells me that he's not mature enough or honest enough for marriage.

To be fair, though, you BOTH stopped going to church. It wasn't just him. It was a mutual decision. Now you're engaged and I'm a little confused about your thinking "Well, we're getting married, might as well get some churchin' back in the picture". What is that all about? God didn't matter while you were dating, but now that things are about to get serious, suddenly it matters again?

I'm questioning the maturity levels on both sides here, frankly.

Bearing all that in mind, I definitely say DO NOT get married without CHRISTIAN premarital counseling.

 

[ValleyGal]

He might marry you, but what kind of husband is he going to be? Who will teach him?

Premarital counseling is not just about whether or not he will marry you. It will expose areas of potential conflict. A good marriage prep course will teach him how to be a good husband and you how to be a good wife. Without all that, you will be going in blind - is that the way he wants it? You have asked for premarriage counseling and he is opposed.... in what other ways will he be calling the shots without consideration for how you feel about it? If he does not allow you to influence him now, it will only get worse after the wedding.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, there are separate issues here, and I'm going to try and keep out the side of me that wants to say "What's the deal with church?"...

but rather...you're entitled to want whatever you want in a marriage...and you're SUPPOSED to filter out people that don't meet your desires in a lifelong spouse ahead of time (which means - yeah - breaking up with them).

Simply put - if it's important to you and it's causing you stress - that's a huge warning sign. I agree with the above commenters. It ain't like his position is going to budge once you're married. What you have now is what you can expect - and you need to make decisions based upon that.

 

[RDKirk]

I can't even get him to pre-wed counseling. He says we don't need it cause he loves me enough that he will marry me no matter what.

That's a "nope."

Having been a guy for a long time, if he won't go to church with you or attend pre-we counselling--even just to make you happy--he doesn't give a lick about your happiness. If he doesn't now, he won't later.

Of course, "Nothing is impossible with God."

But more often than miracles, God gives you warning ahead of time to flee from trouble.

 

[DZoolander]

^^^ what he said.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

He could simply have no interest in going to church anymore. I think that you and him should have a frank conversion about this. Maybe you should reassure him that you will not get mad (and mean it) but that you would like to understand why and of this is likely to change.

Also, have you considered the possibility that his earlier church attendance may have been part of an effort to meet a future wife more so than the other reason people attend church. I've heard it often stated that single men should go to church in part to meet women.

 

[paul becke]

--even just to make you happy--

Bingo! Ask yourself, does that sound like 'love' to you? Or does he have something on his conscience he doesn't want to talk to you or counsellors about? Maybe not. But maybe it's only a trivial matter, just selfishness, but that trait would not be attractive in a marriage partner.

Imho, not a single plus suggesting it would be worth continuing with him. As someone above said, immature, anyway. At best, imo.

Pay particular heed to Valley Girl. Especially, about not delaying until too close to a proposed wedding date, when you'll be pressured to go ahead.

 

[Ladybarker86]

Through out our dating life we did go to church. While we were still dating, sometimes things would get in the way. (Him getting his degree, me being force to work on Sundays) would happen, we would miss a couple of sundays. Then once we finally have a breather and realize it's been a while then we would go back. In the past, I would say "let's go to church." Then we would go, or at least try to make an effort to go. He would drive to my house and pick me up to go to church. Then all the sudden I get this mess.
I know about him. He's told me about his overly strick Christian parents that told him that he couldn't even watch He-man cause he would go to hell. (He-man did magic.) So he rebelled. Seriously rebelled. Drugs and everything. But then he decided to go to church with his Grandma because he was sick of his rebellious life. He came to God on his own terms. I get why he stopped going to church then. He's not doing drugs anymore. He's told me stories of how fun it was. What he did. And how it went south and why he quit, On his own terms. He acts "normal" so I have no explanation to assume he's doing drugs again. Ive been with him for almost 9 years. I know his high and lows. He has never done any drugs since Ive been dating him. I never had any speculations of him doing drugs. Only this church thing is abnormal and it makes me worried.

 

[paul becke]

He's reconciled with God and the church, but he's not; unless it's on his own terms. He sound confused.

It sounds as if you've been great buddies, and if that was what this was about, fine. You're both lucky to have each other. But marriage is a whole nother things isn't it? Not all beer and skittles anyway, most of the time, so how is he going to deal with the vicissitudes of life. Maybe that's what's worrying you?

Or maybe sidelining his faith and the church, as the external moral reference we tend to need, as the words of the marriage vows indicate? I don't think registry-offices would take the vow part too seriously. Perhaps just, 'Do you take bla bla. I do.'

It's shockng the harm that a rigid, unimaginative (mis)understanding of Christianity on the part of parents can wreak.

 

[Inkachu]

That's a "nope."

Having been a guy for a long time, if he won't go to church with you or attend pre-we counselling--even just to make you happy--he doesn't give a lick about your happiness. If he doesn't now, he won't later.

Of course, "Nothing is impossible with God."

But more often than miracles, God gives you warning ahead of time to flee from trouble.

THIS.

 

[Inkachu]

Again, it sounds like neither of you have been taking your faith very seriously. Do you pray (separately AND together)? Do you read your Bible (separately AND together)? Or is "going to church" the main way that you've lived out your faith in the past?

The lack of commitment to God, the lack of consideration of your feelings and wishes (which are competely reasonable), and the fact that he has some serious issues in his past (overbearing parents, aversion to Christianity, drug use)... I would NOT move forward with wedding plans until you've both been through premarital counseling. Just do not do it. I mean it. Don't.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Pretend that if you married him he would not go to church. Then decide if you can marry him and be accepting of him choosing that. If you can't be then maybe you shouldn't marry him. Or you could marry him and be resentful and nagging about it if that is how you would like to be.

 

[Non sequitur]

Has atheist hat on -
Since I'm not a Christian, I don't see any problem with someone not going to church. Not surprisingly.

Takes atheist hat off -
However, the fact that he appears a) incredibly defensive and b) won't talk to you openly about it, speaks volumes. This is a huge problem, no matter what the content is.

If you've done everything you can, on your end, it's now really up to him and you need to draw a line somewhere. Otherwise, you'll be in a state of perpetual waiting-for-something-to-happen.

Puts atheist hat on -
If you pray about it, and then he starts going with you, I would advise against taking as it as a miracle, in the "God opening his heart" instant fix sense that people might. You still won't know if your god did do such a thing or he's just temporarily going along with things; the issue is why he's not talking to you about it, more so than "he's not doing ______".

Takes atheist hat off -
Again, look the issue that he's not talking to you about it. One of the best foundations of any relationship is communication, whether you agree or disagree on things.

At least you'll have the option of making decisions based on the truth.

 

[mkgal1]

Takes atheist hat off - [/B]
However, the fact that he appears a) incredibly defensive and b) won't talk to you openly about it, speaks volumes. This is a huge problem, no matter what the content is.


Takes atheist hat off -
Again, look the issue that he's not talking to you about it. One of the best foundations of any relationship is communication, whether you agree or disagree on things.

At least you'll have the option of making decisions based on the truth.

Your entire post is excellent, Non sequitur.....but these that I quoted get right to the real issue that I see. For most of us......our faith goes through growth and changes over the years (I believe it *should*....or else we're stuck for some reason). Anyway.....through the years, couples need to be prepared in how to deal with differences of beliefs. If communication shuts down because a person doesn't believe they're being accepted for who they are (what they believe)---that's missing an important component for marriage (I think). Like Non Sequitur said, communication is the best foundation, and a couple needs to be able to discuss things they may disagree on (that's what intimacy *is*).

I have a book recommendation for you. I love how this author explains "intimacy":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMbjBlCv5Jc

 

[Ana the Ist]

Pretend that if you married him he would not go to church. Then decide if you can marry him and be accepting of him choosing that. If you can't be then maybe you shouldn't marry him. Or you could marry him and be resentful and nagging about it if that is how you would like to be.

This is the best advice I've seen on here so far. I absolutely agree with this...if after nine years, you're willing to walk away from this man over him not going to church...then walk away. Otherwise, accept that he may always be this way.

Im really quite curious what "pre-marital counseling" at a church would achieve. Let's suppose he did this with her...and when the counseling is over, he doesn't want to go to church. What then? She's in exactly the same spot she's in now. She's faced with the same decision. If you think some counselor he barely knows is going to somehow change his mind about church while she, who has been in his life for nine years cannot, by all means...take him to counseling.

 

[RDKirk]

This is the best advice I've seen on here so far. I absolutely agree with this...if after nine years, you're willing to walk away from this man over him not going to church...then walk away. Otherwise, accept that he may always be this way.

Im really quite curious what "pre-marital counseling" at a church would achieve. Let's suppose he did this with her...and when the counseling is over, he doesn't want to go to church. What then? She's in exactly the same spot she's in now. She's faced with the same decision. If you think some counselor he barely knows is going to somehow change his mind about church while she, who has been in his life for nine years cannot, by all means...take him to counseling.

An important point, IMO, is that he refuses to go to pre-marital counseling at all, not even to please her. Given his reasoning ("I already know I love you"), that's not an objection specifically to church pre-marital counseling.

It's not as though pre-marital counseling is asking him to get circumcised.

 

[tall73]

Im really quite curious what "pre-marital counseling" at a church would achieve. Let's suppose he did this with her...and when the counseling is over, he doesn't want to go to church. What then? She's in exactly the same spot she's in now. She's faced with the same decision. If you think some counselor he barely knows is going to somehow change his mind about church while she, who has been in his life for nine years cannot, by all means...take him to counseling.

a. A counseling environment provides a setting where he is more likely to discuss things openly. Right now he is saying not to make it personal, and is not really saying why he doesn't want to go. Likely the objection to pre-marital counseling is that he knows he would have to talk about things there.

b. It could give her more perspective on what to expect in the marriage. Then she can better decide if she wants to pursue that course.

c. While someone who doesn't know the husband would have less personal influence, an outside opinion is sometimes viewed differently. And someone who can set boundaries for a conversation could limit some of the attempts to make it sound like the issue is not a valid concern.