My Family After Mom's Death

[Introverted1293]

I have decided to not have a relationship with my brothers and sisters. They have become toxic to me. My mother was imperfect, but I don't believe she was evil. My brothers and sisters think that she was evil. And they have nothing nice to say about her. It is painful to hear. So, I have decided to not have a relationship with my brothers and sisters. I don't know how I am going to tell them. People tell me that I am rebelling against God for not wanting a relationship with them. But I don't see how. You either love someone or you don't. It isn't a choice. But is love a feeling or a choice? If love isn't a feeling, then I can be there for them without having a relationship. For example, I will not come for Christmas, but I can come in the Summer to cut wood. But then go home right after. It is not fair for anyone to demand that I relate to people that are emotionally abusive. Doesn't the Bible tell me to protect my heart? Then that is what I am going to do.

I just don't know what to do. What about when the Bible tells you that if someone sins against you, confront them, but if they don't repent have nothing to do with them, but if they do repent, forgive them? Doesn't that apply here?

My brother and sisters won't leave me alone. But why should I continue to relate to my brothers and sisters? I know that people will say it's because God has forgiven you, which I am not sure that he has. But God only forgives when we recognize our sin and repent of our sin and turn away from our sin. Not when we continue in our sin without repentance. Of course, we may because of habits like swearing or something like that. It's hard to just stop bad habits. But this is different. They do this without repentance. They hurt me when they do this, and they know it. I don't want a relationship with them.

Please help

What should I say to them? I will not argue with you. What am I supposed to do?

 

[Neogaia777]

I have decided to not have a relationship with my brothers and sisters. They have become toxic to me. My mother was imperfect, but I don't believe she was evil. My brothers and sisters think that she was evil. And they have nothing nice to say about her. It is painful to hear. So, I have decided to not have a relationship with my brothers and sisters. I don't know how I am going to tell them. People tell me that I am rebelling against God for not wanting a relationship with them. But I don't see how. You either love someone or you don't. It isn't a choice. But is love a feeling or a choice? If love isn't a feeling, then I can be there for them without having a relationship. For example, I will not come for Christmas, but I can come in the Summer to cut wood. But then go home right after. It is not fair for anyone to demand that I relate to people that are emotionally abusive. Doesn't the Bible tell me to protect my heart? Then that is what I am going to do.

I just don't know what to do. What about when the Bible tells you that if someone sins against you, confront them, but if they don't repent have nothing to do with them, but if they do repent, forgive them? Doesn't that apply here?

My brother and sisters won't leave me alone. But why should I continue to relate to my brothers and sisters? I know that people will say it's because God has forgiven you, which I am not sure that he has. But God only forgives when we recognize our sin and repent of our sin and turn away from our sin. Not when we continue in our sin without repentance. Of course, we may because of habits like swearing or something like that. It's hard to just stop bad habits. But this is different. They do this without repentance. They hurt me when they do this, and they know it. I don't want a relationship with them.

Please help

What should I say to them? I will not argue with you. What am I supposed to do?

A lot of it has to do with your attitude and feelings afterward when you do walk away...

Do you harbor resentment, or ill will, or any other kinds of "unbecoming as a real Christian" kinds of feelings toward them afterwards, etc...?

Sometimes we must walk away for our own good, and God understands that, but just make sure that if you do, that the residual feelings are not going to taint or torment your soul, etc...

If you wind up completely alone, who will you be, or who will you become, etc...?

For these reasons, make sure it is not going to permanently taint or torment your soul before you do or before you decide to, etc...

God Bless!

 

[Neogaia777]

I have decided to not have a relationship with my brothers and sisters. They have become toxic to me. My mother was imperfect, but I don't believe she was evil. My brothers and sisters think that she was evil. And they have nothing nice to say about her. It is painful to hear. So, I have decided to not have a relationship with my brothers and sisters. I don't know how I am going to tell them. People tell me that I am rebelling against God for not wanting a relationship with them. But I don't see how. You either love someone or you don't. It isn't a choice. But is love a feeling or a choice? If love isn't a feeling, then I can be there for them without having a relationship. For example, I will not come for Christmas, but I can come in the Summer to cut wood. But then go home right after. It is not fair for anyone to demand that I relate to people that are emotionally abusive. Doesn't the Bible tell me to protect my heart? Then that is what I am going to do.

I just don't know what to do. What about when the Bible tells you that if someone sins against you, confront them, but if they don't repent have nothing to do with them, but if they do repent, forgive them? Doesn't that apply here?

My brother and sisters won't leave me alone. But why should I continue to relate to my brothers and sisters? I know that people will say it's because God has forgiven you, which I am not sure that he has. But God only forgives when we recognize our sin and repent of our sin and turn away from our sin. Not when we continue in our sin without repentance. Of course, we may because of habits like swearing or something like that. It's hard to just stop bad habits. But this is different. They do this without repentance. They hurt me when they do this, and they know it. I don't want a relationship with them.

Please help

What should I say to them? I will not argue with you. What am I supposed to do?

You should tell them that you love them, but that you also feel also, that there is now this great rift between you and them also, that you don't know if you (and them) are ever going to be able to see fully eye to eye on also, etc, and that you don't think is good for your soul, etc, and is not something that you want to be constantly reminded of, or be around much anymore now also, because you don't feel like it's very good for your soul anymore now also, etc...

You want to heal, and they don't, etc, and you feel that being around that, is not good for your soul, etc...

And please be aware that they may not ever want to ever heal from this, or be healed on this matter, etc, but they may carry the bitterness, resentment, anger, and negativity, to their graves, or for all the rest of their lives, etc, and there is not one single thing you can ever do about that ever, if they do, etc, either way, it's not any good at all for you to be around anymore ever, for your soul, etc...

You should get rid of all people that are like this in your life, regardless of how you are related to them, or how you are currently connected to them, or whatever, in life, etc, and follow Christ, etc...

Let the dead bury the/their dead, etc...

Less ties you have that bind you, or that are very binding to you, the more you gain, etc...

It's a very lonely path at first though, so be forewarned that you will experience that first, before the great gain, etc...

God Bless!

 

[Neogaia777]

I've had a lot of early death early on in my family, etc, and needless to say, it does cause a very definite great rift, and very great divide, etc... I have very, very few of them left that I will even talk to on the phone even every once in a great while anymore now, etc... And as for all the others, any of the other so-called, self-professed, "friends" and the like, etc, a lot of them are gone now too, etc...

And while it took me awhile, I know now that I am much, much better off for it now, etc...

Me, and my animals, and God, is pretty much all I need anymore now, etc...

I much prefer interacting with strangers now, much more so than anybody who only assumes they know me anymore now only, etc...

And that's to say absolutely nothing about the ones who only want to use you, or that are only in it with you for what they can get out of it or you, or only what they can gain personally from you or it, etc, that usually almost always costs you way, way too much than your willing to pay, and very, very much dearly, etc...

Then there is always putting others first on your list while you are always only last in theirs, when they need you, etc...

Anyway, yeah, all of it starts getting pretty old, pretty quick, etc...

It was probably my mistake though, for putting my faith in people/humanity, instead of the God of all of the people, and/or humanity, etc...

I now chalk it up to "lessons learned" now, etc...

Like I said, the number one most important thing is what happens to you, or what it is you become afterwards, etc...

God Bless!

 

[Introverted1293]

I've had a lot of early death early on in my family, etc, and needless to say, it does cause a very definite great rift, and very great divide, etc... I have very, very few of them left that I will even talk to on the phone even every once in a great while anymore now, etc... And as for all the others, any of the other so-called, self-professed, "friends" and the like, etc, a lot of them are gone now too, etc...

And while it took me awhile, I know now that I am much, much better off for it now, etc...

Me, and my animals, and God, is pretty much all I need anymore now, etc...

I much prefer interacting with strangers now, much more so than anybody who only assumes they know me anymore now only, etc...

And that's to say absolutely nothing about the ones who only want to use you, or that are only in it with you for what they can get out of it or you, or only what they can gain personally from you or it, etc, that usually almost always costs you way, way too much than your willing to pay, and very, very much dearly, etc...

Then there is always putting others first on your list while you are always only last in theirs, when they need you, etc...

Anyway, yeah, all of it starts getting pretty old, pretty quick, etc...

It was probably my mistake though, for putting my faith in people/humanity, instead of the God of all of the people, and/or humanity, etc...

I now chalk it up to "lessons learned" now, etc...

Like I said, the number one most important thing is what happens to you, or what it is you become afterwards, etc...

God Bless

Thank you very much for responding. And the things you said were very helpful. I will respond to more depth just as soon as I wake up. I am very sleepy and I haven't gone to bed. But I will do so when I am wide awake. Thank you for everything that you said.

 

[Neogaia777]

Thank you very much for responding. And the things you said were very helpful. I will respond to more depth just as soon as I wake up. I am very sleepy and I haven't gone to bed. But I will do so when I am wide awake. Thank you for everything that you said.

You are very welcome...

Goodnight, and sleep well friend...

God Bless!

 

[timf]

But is love a feeling or a choice?

The biblical definition of "love" is pretty much a choice of selflessness;

1Co 13:4 Love has long patience, is kind; love is not emulous of others ; love is not insolent and rash, is not puffed up,
1Co 13:5 does not behave in an unseemly manner, does not seek what is its own, is not quickly provoked, does not impute evil,
1Co 13:6 does not rejoice at iniquity but rejoices with the truth,
1Co 13:7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. - Darby

We all pretty much fall short of this. Feelings of affection, attraction, and fondness are often called 'love" which can make things confusing.

Your willingness to help your siblings functionally even when you would prefer to be elsewhere might be seen as selfless love.

Ultimately you need to make the decisions that are right for you. You can be civil and courteous. There is no need for you to pretend affection if you do not have any. You know these people and will have to deal with consequences. It may help you to view them as not yet capable of deeper understanding or possibly reacting to the hurt they felt.

 

[eleos1954]

I have decided to not have a relationship with my brothers and sisters. They have become toxic to me. My mother was imperfect, but I don't believe she was evil. My brothers and sisters think that she was evil. And they have nothing nice to say about her. It is painful to hear. So, I have decided to not have a relationship with my brothers and sisters. I don't know how I am going to tell them. People tell me that I am rebelling against God for not wanting a relationship with them. But I don't see how. You either love someone or you don't. It isn't a choice. But is love a feeling or a choice? If love isn't a feeling, then I can be there for them without having a relationship. For example, I will not come for Christmas, but I can come in the Summer to cut wood. But then go home right after. It is not fair for anyone to demand that I relate to people that are emotionally abusive. Doesn't the Bible tell me to protect my heart? Then that is what I am going to do.

I just don't know what to do. What about when the Bible tells you that if someone sins against you, confront them, but if they don't repent have nothing to do with them, but if they do repent, forgive them? Doesn't that apply here?

My brother and sisters won't leave me alone. But why should I continue to relate to my brothers and sisters? I know that people will say it's because God has forgiven you, which I am not sure that he has. But God only forgives when we recognize our sin and repent of our sin and turn away from our sin. Not when we continue in our sin without repentance. Of course, we may because of habits like swearing or something like that. It's hard to just stop bad habits. But this is different. They do this without repentance. They hurt me when they do this, and they know it. I don't want a relationship with them.

Please help

What should I say to them? I will not argue with you. What am I supposed to do?

You can forgive someone and not continue a relationship with them. If they were to repent .... then they would change and turn away from their sin .... if they were to do that then why wouldn't you want to have a relationship with them?

Perhaps some distancing is in order and "check" in with them every once in a while and see if they have made any progress.

Love (agape) is a principle .... putting others before self. We can't trust our emotions.

We are called to live in peace whenever possible .... if someone is continually violating that peace then distancing is in order.

Romans 12:18

King James Bible
If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

 

[Rescued One]

Gladly praying with understanding.