My Dad...

[WhoeverLovesGod01]

...won't stop drinking and causing arguements. The other day he told my mother to "shut up," then when she responded he said, "don't speak to me that way." When I said he doesn't speak to nicely to us, he said I swore at him, but with a word I didn't use and he would "never forgive" me. I told him i'd apologised for swearing at him once, to which he said he didn't care.

He said he was "from Runcorn" and he blamed us for the arguements. I asked him why he didn't forgive people, so he told me to "go and be a little Jesus boy," then he told us not to forgive him. I tried to explain that you don't need a religion to treat people decently, but he left us. He shouted from the bedroom before finally going silent.

This is just one arguement out of the many over the past 20 years, but it's the first time he's mentioned my faith. I've prayed for something to change. He's out now and if he's drinking it will be another bad night. I don't provoke my father at all; but he insults and swears at us when he's drunk. If I tell him not to shout at me when he's drunk, he launches into a rage.

The situation appears hopeless.

 

[tapero]

Hi Middlemoor, I am so sorry about your situation.

Having lived with an alcoholic mother and husband I've learned not to talk to them when they are drinking. You can really only try to talk to them when they are sober. And if they don't remember they'll deny everything. Alcoholics makes everything everyone else's fault. Even when they are sober they are still in a fog.

Have you ever considererd going to alateen or alanon? It helps a lot. I don't know what it means that he mentioned your faith. I just know my husband and mother were heartless when they drank, and I had to finally determine that it was not my problem. It was their problem. That was when I started getting better.

My mom is sober now, and we are getting closer. My ex-husband calls me when he is lit, because he feels more able to talk, but he still can be abusive to me, and I just tell him I have to go.

It would be great if you and your mom could go to alanon. They really teach you how to cope, and you make good friends. Some churches have special programs also. God bless you friend, Tapero

 

[WhoeverLovesGod01]

Yeah, i've learned that he's the source of the problem too. I'm not sure what Alanon is, but it's probably not avaliable 'round here. Tonight, of course, we had another arguement. He was bitter all day really. We were both sitting on the couch when he started to tell my sisters why he'd turned off thier movie. One of them started to talk-back, so he flew into a rage and screamed at both of them.

I told him not to scream at them, so he raged at me, telling me not to "tell him how to raise his daughters." I didn't tell him how to raise them, just not to shout at everybody. He kept referring to me as "you," to which I objected. I tried to explain that he shouldn't scream with rage, especially when people are sitting next to him. He said he wouldn't listen to me and that I should just shut up, "with my Jesus Christ."

Afterwards, he was putting forth angry comments about what was on the television so I asked him why he had to be so grumpy. Then he repeated the same stuff he's been saying for days now, (all during drunken anger, I suspect he had a drink this evening,) how he would never forgive me, never speak to me, didn't have to listen to me, etc. I said, "why do you have to be so immature, you're supposed to be the father figure," to which he threateningly replied, "are you talking to me?"

Then he went to bed. He's extremely aggresive, probably moreso than most people could imagine. He screams in your face with strings of expletives. A few days ago he threw the TV remote at my face. He would hit you if he thought he would get away with it. It's very, very bad for the whole family.

 

[If Not For Grace]

You can really only try to talk to them when they are sober

But when is that? We don't get a vote for that and sometimes we have to deal with alcoholics sober or not.
ALANON is a GREAT START to help you do this. If you can't find a group near you, get on line, there are many virtual groups. See Alcohol Abuse threads here for some insight. ANY 12-step program is a +..

Try and picture a bottle talking to you--(when dad is drunk and spouting off.)

You w/not take what he says so personally nor will you argue with it. Get some pat replies ready for when you must issue a response something like "You may be right"
or "I'll have to think about that" can diffuse or relieve a situation without you having lied, been defeated or having committed to anything.

PRAYERS & GOOD LUCK.

 

[madison1101]

My mom told me a long time ago, don't argue with a drunk. You won't win. My dad was an alcoholic. It was always a losing proposition to argue with him. He was abusive and nasty when he drank.

Your best bet would be to attend some Al-Anon meetings and hook up wtih people who totally understand your situation. They have meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics too.

I also suggest you look into individual therapy for yourself. Most Adult Children benefit from it.l

Hugs,
Trish

 

[farmer2me]

Al-anon is alcoholics anonymous, and yes it is very helpful from what I've heard.

I really feel for you and pray for you, Middlemoor. You're episodes with your father sound EXACTLY like the ones I've had with my own. I'm 18 now, and just like you I've only known my father to be in a drunk stupor, yelling, screaming, abusive, and threatening.

There are times where I know he has been a good father, but just like yours, he drinks EVERY SINGLE night. He makes his own alcohol, so it gives him that much more incentive.

Everyone is right - you can't argue with an alcoholic. But I know how difficult it is to tell yourself that when you KNOW your father is clearly being unreasonable! My father often goes on and on about the same things, bringing up issues that have been resolved for months, even years when he is drunk . He abuses my mother and my brothers and only remembers his actions 50% of the time the next day. He yells when everyone is happy, and seems like he only wants to bring everyone down to his misery.

I know how hard it is to keep up hope in your situation. It is SO difficult, because no matter how hard you pray, your situation won't seem to get better. Along with everyone else's advice, here's one I give to you:

Just remember that YOU have changed... all your problems might remain, but God has changed you inside and will always be a spark of hope for you and will promise you happiness in the future. He has a plan for everyone, people like us who have suffered, and we just have to keep praying until that day finally comes where it all ends. Think of all the lives you have affected, knowing how alcohol can destroy families. Your sisters are going to need someone they can rely on, and no doubt many other people in the future are going to benefit from your wealth of experience.

I'll keep you in my prayers. Don't give up, no matter how bad it gets.

 

[WhoeverLovesGod01]

My Dad was horrible tonight. He threw the phone at me and pushed me around. It's his Mum's 80th birthday.

 

[madison1101]

Al-anon is alcoholics anonymous, and yes it is very helpful from what I've heard.

I really feel for you and pray for you, Middlemoor. You're episodes with your father sound EXACTLY like the ones I've had with my own. I'm 18 now, and just like you I've only known my father to be in a drunk stupor, yelling, screaming, abusive, and threatening.

There are times where I know he has been a good father, but just like yours, he drinks EVERY SINGLE night. He makes his own alcohol, so it gives him that much more incentive.

Everyone is right - you can't argue with an alcoholic. But I know how difficult it is to tell yourself that when you KNOW your father is clearly being unreasonable! My father often goes on and on about the same things, bringing up issues that have been resolved for months, even years when he is drunk . He abuses my mother and my brothers and only remembers his actions 50% of the time the next day. He yells when everyone is happy, and seems like he only wants to bring everyone down to his misery.

I know how hard it is to keep up hope in your situation. It is SO difficult, because no matter how hard you pray, your situation won't seem to get better. Along with everyone else's advice, here's one I give to you:

Just remember that YOU have changed... all your problems might remain, but God has changed you inside and will always be a spark of hope for you and will promise you happiness in the future. He has a plan for everyone, people like us who have suffered, and we just have to keep praying until that day finally comes where it all ends. Think of all the lives you have affected, knowing how alcohol can destroy families. Your sisters are going to need someone they can rely on, and no doubt many other people in the future are going to benefit from your wealth of experience.

I'll keep you in my prayers. Don't give up, no matter how bad it gets.

Sorry to correct you, but Al-Anon is NOT Alcoholics Anonymous. I go to both and they are very different.

Alcoholics Anonymous is for alcoholics. Al-Anon is for people in relationships with alcoholics.

 

[madison1101]

My Dad was horrible tonight. He threw the phone at me and pushed me around. It's his Mum's 80th birthday.

When he gets abusive, leave. Make arrangements with a friend to sleep at their house when it happens.

Have you looked into Al-Anon? http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Check out their website. You should be able to find a meeting there. Go. Take a friend if you don't want to go alone. They will help you if you let them.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[WhoeverLovesGod01]

Thanks for your advice, but I can't leave. I'm in a foreign country.

 

[PrayerLady]

Thanks for your advice, but I can't leave. I'm in a foreign country.

Leaving can mean just going to a friends house for a few house... keep safe... know that you are being lifted in prayer... I do beleive that there are Alcoholics Anonymous Groups all over the world... so perhaps take a look for a group that way... Alcoholics Anonymous can direct you to an age appropraite Alonon Group... keep trying it is worth the effort...

 

[WhoeverLovesGod01]

Sorry, I have no friends over here. I will be gone in a few months though.