My dad has problems again

Ps I did give a heads up to the receptionist to notify the director that I have been by far the primary caregiver and have been there for my dad the most and that I was worried that by virtue of it being a Muslim service and me being female, that I was worried if any of my input would matter. Not to the directors but to the Muslim officiant, who might not be there though, hopefully.

Michie said:

You need to call ahead of time and leave a message.

ETA: Oops! Looks like you already did.

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Don't take me the wrong way, but I kind of don't want to go to the funeral either. That's a separate issue from not being allowed, though. Say they tell me "tomorrow morning" and yet I woke up past 11 this morning. I won't be able to sleep that way.

ps I may look very chatty online when I'm talking about my grief and it may look like I never stop. However, in real life I'm not very vocal unless people "force" me to talk, which I actually wish they would not. My brother becomes more talkative during grief, I become less talkative, and the two personality traits are not compatible. I do, however, talk in the sense that if I do want someone to be available if I'm the initiator, but for people who keep pushing to talk to me (like my brother), I just don't feel like it. Sadly, it does suck to be on the receiving end of someone who doesn't feel like talking but I'm just not a big talker (vocally) when I'm uber depressed. I wish some people would just get it.

Michie said:

Still praying LB. I figured you are too busy with the funeral arrangements to update about that. I do hope things are going better than expected.

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What happened:

-Basically, the FD (funeral director) is going to fenagle (according to my dad's wishes) to have the funeral in the FH (funeral home) and not have to go to the mosque to do it, in order that I, as the daughter, and not barred from being in the same room where the funeral is being conducted.
-The FD did say that if the funeral is in the mosque (after I asked him the question) that women are kept in a separate room basically with just four walls
- On a side note, I didn't like the funeral director because I felt he paid more attention to my brother than me. I made sure that I made my voice known though, and I think it was alright, but I didn't like him.

New fears that arose:
-Basically, my dad's wishes really violate Islamic "protocol" (but they go in my favor, so I'm not complaining) by having a coffin, embalming, not mandating that the funeral is within 24 hours, not having it in the mosque, and not burying it in an Islamic cemetery. I am extremely apprehensive of the possibility that if my cousin "A" invites others to the funeral, they will look critically upon these things because it is a huge violation of things in Islam and as I said before, pizzing Muslims off is something that creeps me out.
-My brother told me that he explained these problems to A and that A was allegedly very understanding and didn't show any consternation. OK good, but that does not negate the fact that A might invite some friends (against my will) of his to the funeral (I discouraged my brother from allowing this to happen but I don't know how much I can stop this) and I can't imagine that every single one of his friends won't look critically upon the details of this funeral. I feel embarrassed by this, even though it isn't even my fault. I feel like someone is going to scapegoat me for the choices my dad made about this funeral. My brother is going to try to smooth this over, but we'll see.
-Even though the FD assured me that he could find an imam from another jurisdiction that wasn't too strict (in case the original imam refuses), I still wonder if this can be done. Ironically, I kind of hope it fails, lol, however, the jury is out on what outcome will ensue from all this.
-Even if I'm granted the right to be at the funeral close enough to where my dad's coffin is (sadly, in an Islamic funeral, women aren't supposed to be near the coffin), there will be a point where the imam recites from the Quran and does some prayers and I'm worried that if the Muslims in the congregation have to participate in those prayers (I don't know if they do), I absolutely can't do that. Since womens' involvement in these funerals are discouraged anyway, perhaps I won't be looked down upon, but you never know. If I'm closer to the front of the funeral (which would be another violation of Islamic "protocol" - sigh), and they see me not participating in the prayers, well, this will be a red flag to them, oh well.
-There are enough days before the funeral (I wanted it to be done by Friday but my brother said that he's grieving too much to do it this week and wants to do it next week, which prolongs MY grief, but oh well) such that there is a danger of certain people who I don't want to come, could come, because there is enough time for them to prepare to come. I'm not the least bit eager for other relatives to show up (I'm debating who to even tell)
-I don't want to be the only non-Muslim at the funeral but I don't think I'll be able to convince any person to come with me, because they may feel like they're sinning by attending such a funeral, even if they're not participating in it, but only being a spectator. Sigh. I can't sit well with the notion of it being me vs. all the Muslims. I want some physical moral support there, darnit. This is an unpleasant thought.
-My brother is getting too close to A and is going to visit his house today for a few hours. I don't care if A is supposedly OK, there's no chance that every one he associates with is equally OK as he is (for example, his brother-in-law frequently looked at me with antipathy when he visited the house a few years ago), and my brother is going down the rabbit hole with this but potentially dragging me into the "extended family vortex." I am finally (and I wish to God that it did NOT have to entail my father's death in order for this to happen, I can assure you) feeling freer and less afraid to go to church now. I went to Mass on Saturday, and Adoration yesterday and wore my dresses without having to worry about someone saying I'm not dressed Islamically enough (my dad never said this to me, but I'm thinking of the Muslim community in general), and it was nice to be able to go without feeling like I had to hide it.

My brother is becoming too intrusive, pushy, and possessive and I think it's out of line. I'll explain when I'm on a regular keyboard. He's too demanding of me to answer his phone and texts and today, when I wasn't answering supposedly on time, is driving out to my house (an hour and a half away). He's having a nervous breakdown, and while I'll be careful not to say a whole lot about this, I feel like he's treating me wrong, and I can't handle it.

Michie said:

Set the boundaries now. If you need him you can call him. But these dysfunctional patterns have to be broken.

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I do call him (although I kind of wish he would push me so hard to call him) but I had insomnia last night and could not sleep til 7 am and I sent him a scheduled message about that, for 9 am, saying that I don't know when I'll fall asleep or wake up, but he claims he never got it. My phone claims he did read it. This is not OK to me. I'm a quiet griever. I do need people but I reach out in my own way. I absolutely do not want to be pushed upon. I am not a fan of talking long on the phone. I am not being cold, it's just not my style of grieving and I am getting angry that I'm being "pushed" to talk more than what I can. I'm trying to accommodate his grief but I think he needs someone else in addition (or besides?) me. I can't take it. I'm starting to wonder if he's acting like a Muslim guy, with this kind of control over women. He's about to arrive anytime.

mourningdove~ said:

Your brother is not a Christian.
Your brother is grieving, too.
And believers and unbelievers do not grieve the same way.

I'm sorry your brother's behaviors at this time are upsetting to you ... it's understandable.
But as the Christian in this scenario, you are called to a higher standard than your brother.
You are called to be like Jesus Christ, in the way you interact with him.

You may be the only Christian your brother personally knows. If you can find a way to take your eyes off your own needs abit, and respond more to your brother as Jesus would, you might find that things begin to go easier with him.

... And God will give you the grace to be more like Him, if you will pray and ask Him for it.

Prayers.

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I know, I'm trying to keep all those things in mind. In your perspective, how do feel that believers and unbelievers grieve differently?

mourningdove~ said:

Believers grieve, knowing and believing that Jesus is with them in their pain, and that He will help them.
Unbelievers grieve, not knowing Jesus is with them, and feeling very alone in their pain.
The hard things of this life are much easier to bear, when we do it with Jesus.

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I see. Perhaps that is right.

I remember the years I did not have Jesus or even a couple of people in my life who I could talk to from Church, for example. I would absolutely never want to go back to that time. I shudder. Certain parts of town trigger those feelings too (hard to explain).

Lady Bug said:

Certain parts of town trigger those feelings too (hard to explain).

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For example, on the south side of my town is a very cute Perpetual Adoration Chapel. Once I'm inside the Chapel and stay there for awhile, I feel more relaxed, but there are peripheral factors that are making my travel to/from there triggering.
- The south side is where my parents first moved to after they decided they wanted a house instead of an apartment. It's kind of "where they started their life." However, the first house they got was not in a very good part of town, in fact it was near the street corner that is reputed to be the worst part of the city, although when I'm driving on that side of town, I suppose I feel "safe" enough if I stay in my car. They lived there for five years until they moved into the house I'm at now, which is in a much better neighborhood.
- The south side is where I had this temp assignment and even though the people there weren't bad, I felt absolutely miserable there the whole time. It was a time in my life when I had recently graduated from undergraduate and I was at my loneliest, most aimless, miserable time in my life because my mom's dementia was at her peak, my dad was up all night trying to get her stop wandering the hallways, and I was still trying to work. I don't know how I didn't end up quitting that assignment. Every day I would have to go home with them because I didn't drive myself to work and my dad had to bring my mom in the car, and when we got home, all hell would break loose with my dad and I trying to help her. It was the absolute worst time of my life.
- The south side is not a good part of town and there is an aura of misery about it. However, the parish that the Chapel is connected to is supposedly a very good, welcoming parish, so it's not the parish that's the problem.

Something happened that kind of shook me up. I think it's best to attribute this to the wind.

On the top of my fireplace there are 2 pictures. One of them is a picture of my mom and dad. Although the pictures are not hanging up on a wall, they have been sitting on the top of the fireplace forever without falling.

The family room that the fireplace is in is connected to the garage, so I open the door to take care of the trash. I anchor the screen door open. It's a very windy day. I was finishing putting the last of the trash bags in the bin, when suddenly the biggest gush of wind ensues. The garage door was closed, but the kitchen window in the adjacent room was open, but it's been this windy before, so I don't know - - I hear a big noise in the house. I go back in to check what it was, and it was the picture of my mom and dad that had fallen to the ground and the makeshift frame (someone else had done this for me) had broken. The other pictures were still intact. I don't get how this happened. Maybe it was too close to the edge of the top of the fireplace but this has never happened before. Could it have been the gush of wind? I hear about when someone dies and a picture of the deceased falls to the ground shortly afterwards and it weirds out the surviving loved ones. It could be just the wind but the wind from the kitchen can't reach that picture to the extent that it would cause a picture to fall.

My brother was here earlier today, maybe he touched it and it became "out of place" enough to fall later? Sigh I don't know.