Hi Doreen,
You certainly have a bagful of difficult situations to burden you on top of your own personal grief. It is a wonder if you have even had a chance to spend time alone with your own thoughts and feelings. Do not neglect your own needs amidst your concern to help all the others around you. Having said that, it is impossible for you NOT to respond to the anguish and grief of your loved ones. So it is not surprising that you are being pulled apart by this. It all happened only a few months back and it takes times, lots of it, for our minds and hearts to be able to stabilise sufficiently to even start to put things back together again - and the world just doesn't stop in the meantime to allow us this time!
The death of a close family member is a great trauma. It is an irreversible fact that we are helpless to do anything about, and it hurts terribly. The greatest need is for you all to help one another through this and avoid any dissentions. That is not easy when everyone is under acute stress and sorrow and still full of unreleased emotions such as anger, frustration, guilt, etc that can so easily exploded upon one another unintentionally.
You wrote:
Doreen said:
my youngest daughter is doing ok but my eldest who is 14 is in major depression and so am I. I can't cope with the grief and stuff. it hurts soooo bad and I miss him so much. my 14 yr old won't go to the doctor or anything to get help. she spends most of her time asleep which isn't good.
Although depression after only a few months since the event is only to be expected, I think you are right not to ignore it. It is not uncommon for people to refuse to go to a doctor, sometimes because they refuse to admit they have a problem, sometimes because they are scared to face their depression. Amongst teenagers, this reluctance is often due to a refusal to talk about it. In such cases, alternatives methods include expressing grieve and sorrow through painting and drawing. You could try giving your daughter some paper and paints or pencils and encouraging her to draw her feelings. She can do this either in complete confidentiality or showing and talking about them afterwards. You may even find there are some groups in your area that are designed for kids in grief.
Your concern with Christmas is entirely understandable. It is traditionally a family occasion filled with love and warmth and happiness. It will therefore bring your family loss very much to the surface. But I don't think you should avoid Christmas. I think, though, you should try to change it so that the emphasis is on peacefulness and togetherness. For example, there are many christmans carols some of which are happy and joyful and others that are more peaceful and melancholy. You can select in advance those that might be most appropriate. You can go to church carol service or midnight mass, etc. You can decorate the tree with softer and fewer decorations and light more candles instead of bright lights. You may also feel that dad's photos should be prominent and, with the right atmosphere, you will all be able to talk about things together. Even if children do not talk themselves, they need to see the adults in their lives handling the situation with love and hope.
Christmas is a big event that is all around us outside even if we do not celebrate it indoors. There are many ways to celebrate Christmas and maybe this year it would be appropriate to put more emphasis on the Christian meaning of Christmas (maybe you do anyway, I don't mean to suggest you don't, I am only trying to throw some ideas out here, please do not be offended in any way!)
You also said:
my aunt(mom's sister) is putting pressure on me to act like nothing has happened
I don't think it is very wise to act like nothing has happened when something clearly HAS happened. And when people are filled with grief, sorrow and other unresolved emotions, it is impossible to act as though nothing has happened. But, on the other hand, it is not perhaps the best solution to try and stop the world entirely. What we need to do is adapt and adjust to an entirely new set of circumstances.
