...And we're all still in shock from it. Mom is really out of it and everyone else seems to be okay. I've felt like I have been in a daze since it happened. I thought I was going to faint when I heard the news. Mom called me when I was at work and said she needed me to come over, and that it was an emergency and I guessed either something had happened to grandpa or dad, and judging by how shaken up and surprised she sounded, I guessed dad. Then she told me she found that he had committed suicide. She had gone to the store that day to do her normal grocery shopping and came home to find the note and that he was in the shed. I could barely drive on the way over and was shaking violently.
I'd been having panic attacks since a few weeks before he did it and would call him on the phone when I did to talk, and they got worse for a week or so after he passed away. I remember though, the last one I had before he passed away, I was going to stay the night over with them, but it was late, so I said I wouldn't bother them, and that I'd just go outside/for a drive to ride it out, and he said that he'd leave the porch light on for me. Thinking about that made me think he thought I was able to handle things on my own and didn't need him now, which is far from the truth. I may not have needed him like I did when I was a child, but I still needed him in my life. The panic attacks still continued after that, though. They got so bad a couple nights after, I went to the hospital and had to go back on medicine for them.
We still don't know for certain why he did it. Again maybe he felt like we didn't need him, since I had moved out and he mom were going to divorce. His note never said. It just gave practical information like what to do with him and his stuff. The voices tell me certain things, but I don't know how accurate they are (...look, honestly, I don't even know; I should probably see a psychiatrist). Anyways, we know he was in a lot of pain, physically, and mentally, and I assume part of it was him not wanting to get older and be in even more physical pain (he was already in a lotttt and on heavy pain meds for it). He also seemed like he was having an existential sort of crisis. Regardless of anything, it feels so awful. I miss him so much.
I pray that if anyone else ever feels suicidal, that they don't do it, no matter what, because there are people out there who will be devastated and emotionally wrecked for so long if you do, and people who would have been willing to be there for you to listen and talk to, and won't judge you no matter what you've been through. I know the world can seem dark and horrible, but there are many good people out there who would be glad to shoulder to burden for you, especially if it meant you staying alive, because they love you!
I'd been having panic attacks since a few weeks before he did it and would call him on the phone when I did to talk, and they got worse for a week or so after he passed away. I remember though, the last one I had before he passed away, I was going to stay the night over with them, but it was late, so I said I wouldn't bother them, and that I'd just go outside/for a drive to ride it out, and he said that he'd leave the porch light on for me. Thinking about that made me think he thought I was able to handle things on my own and didn't need him now, which is far from the truth. I may not have needed him like I did when I was a child, but I still needed him in my life. The panic attacks still continued after that, though. They got so bad a couple nights after, I went to the hospital and had to go back on medicine for them.
We still don't know for certain why he did it. Again maybe he felt like we didn't need him, since I had moved out and he mom were going to divorce. His note never said. It just gave practical information like what to do with him and his stuff. The voices tell me certain things, but I don't know how accurate they are (...look, honestly, I don't even know; I should probably see a psychiatrist). Anyways, we know he was in a lot of pain, physically, and mentally, and I assume part of it was him not wanting to get older and be in even more physical pain (he was already in a lotttt and on heavy pain meds for it). He also seemed like he was having an existential sort of crisis. Regardless of anything, it feels so awful. I miss him so much.
I pray that if anyone else ever feels suicidal, that they don't do it, no matter what, because there are people out there who will be devastated and emotionally wrecked for so long if you do, and people who would have been willing to be there for you to listen and talk to, and won't judge you no matter what you've been through. I know the world can seem dark and horrible, but there are many good people out there who would be glad to shoulder to burden for you, especially if it meant you staying alive, because they love you!
