My current life (long story)

[Broken1989]

Just signed up and this will be my first official post.

So... figured I’d tell you about my current life situation.

Ok here it goes.

I’m 29 years old, last of my 20s very scary . I been dealing with anxiety my whole life. I can hide it, but it’s getting so hard as I keep trying to close it inside. It’s a daily struggle for me I tell ya.

I’ve never lived on my own. I live with my Dad and he’s an amazing Father who takes care of his family. I’m so blessed to have him in my life. Just the thought of losing my Dad scares me to Death. He provides for me id say, 80 percent of the time and the other 20 I pay certain bills to him. I never been able to live on my own since I don’t have enough money and my anxiety gives me a panic attack thinking about living on my own, unless I had millions of dollars knowing I can provide for myself. That’s how I look at it in my current situation.

I been working at the same job since 2011, part time. It was my first job as well and I remember my first day going into the interview hiding my anxiety. I had a lot of help to get the job as well, a special program helped. Anyways, once 2013 hit I started hating my job and it hasn’t changed till this very day. I’m amazed I lasted this long. Guess it shows I can hang in there better then I thought I could do.

My job is in retail and I deal with a lot of nasty people and managers that don’t really care and they say they do, but don’t. I have to fake smile and hide in the pain I’m dealing with, yes. Customers think I’m a happy person and I’m not at all. I consider myself Broken. Just like my username as you can see. I’m dealing with depression and I had a mental breakdown about a month ago at home, it was brutal. 70 percent of my stress comes from my job and the rest, my life.

I keep saying to myself, I can’t do this anymore, no more. I had enough, I need to quit and move on to find something that will make me happy going to every day. Except, I don’t. My anxiety is holding me back to move on. Guess you can say, I’m scared of change. I’m comfortable, but not happy if that makes sense. Finding another job actually scares the heck out of me and I’m too afraid to put myself out there cause what if it gets worse for me .

There are only 2 things I like about my job. One is some of my friends I have and finally I live like 7 min walking distance to my job. I don’t drive due to anxiety. So having a job this close is really saving me in a sense. I still get around with car companies. This makes it hard for me to leave as well. I honestly wanna leave, but deep down I know I won’t. Just the idea of going to look for another job and doing the interview I don’t wanna do that again, no thank you. Guess I’m just waiting for a sign and it’s not working for me. You get the picture at my job situation.

Since I’m a stressful person I go to the gym 4 days a week and it really helps with my anxiety, temporarily. I was studying to be a personal trainer, but didn’t workout in the end. It wasn’t for me and it’s too hard. I workout for me, period. I was bullied in my school years and that’s what got me into working out in that gym. I guess you can say I turned a positive into a negative. However, being bullied has destroyed my life and I deal with bullying at my job all the time. I can guarantee you if I was never bullied in life, my life would of been so much different. Except I would of never gotten into working out fitness lifestyle, I’m so sure about that.

I can’t let my past go and I’m holding onto my broken shells of the people that hurt me. I’m holding in anger as well for sure. This is really a battle for me everyday. I know this is long and if your still reading this, I appreciate it.

One of the things I can’t let go is when this one teacher said I was stupid in front of the class and the whole classroom laughed at me, yep. I remember once I got home that day, I cried my eyes out in bed. I was never a kid who acted up in school. I was quiet and reserved. I had a decent amount of friends, but in the end they all used me for money and some just drifted away. Just teachers and kids were mean to me for know reason and it’s affecting me daily. I’ve done counseling many times in the past and it’s never helped me, ever. I don’t believe in getting therapy at all. I honestly come to the point that I deserve verbal abuse from others since I still get it daily, I don’t know.

Let’s see, what else???

I feel like I need to wind myself up every morning just to get up out of bed. I hardly ever feel well rested usually. I look in the mirror and just wanna cry and give up, but somehow I keep doing it. I never had a girlfriend in my life. I got my first kiss when I was 26 years old, it took that long, yep. In the past I was desperate on wanting a girlfriend and my loneliness was so..... bad. As time went on and I saw what relationships were like, I grew out of that. I accept being single and I’m ok with it. I do get sad at times seeing couples on instagram and in the world holding hands together. Knowing I’m never gonna experience it. It bothers me sometimes though, not extreme like it use to.

I have been video chatting with this girl for a year now and we care about each other, but don’t consider us a couple since she lives outside of the US and we’re never gonna meet in person since I told her my situation on my anxiety and life. She accepts it and I tell her to live her life, but she says she doesn’t want anyone else. It’s her choice of course. I won’t change though I keep telling her and I can see she’s sad, but she says she has never meet a guy like me before and doesn’t wanna lose me. I just can’t give her a life and she’s too far away. So we just do what we do on camera. She thinks I’ll find someone and I tell her I don’t want to find someone since I’m such a mess. I consider her one of my best friends. She loves me, but I don’t love her since I never been in love before. Plus being in love scares the heck out of me and her being so far away I can’t love someone who I’ll never physically be with ya know. I want her happy and I’m not her guy, nobody’s guy. She still sticks with me and I enjoy talking with her. I’m grateful to have her in my life. I just know I’ll never get to see her in person unless she can find a way down here, which won’t happen unfortunately. So, I just do what I can with her and enjoy our time video chatting.

When I go to family gatherings I always feel out of place. I’m never talkative like my family is and it’s very hard to put on a fake smile to my family pretending everything is ok and it’s not.

I keep calling myself a loser and I’m not proud of myself at all. When others compliment me on my body I don’t believe them and think my body is the worst. Guess you can say I don’t feel like a winner in life. When I look into women’s eyes I can see they wanna throw up and call me a loser. I can just sense that and don’t blame them. People can consider me too nice and that’s why I never win. I won’t change who I am, sorry.

I don’t smoke, drink or mess with illegal drugs what so ever, thank God. Even though I don’t do any of these things, I’m a mess. I am dealing with bad depression and life is becoming too much for me to handle, big time.

When some people say I’m handsome I don’t believe them since I never had a girlfriend in the past when I wanted one at the time. Girls use to bully me in the past and called me ugly. I just have a hard time believing anyone when they give me a compliment.

I’m dealing with Lust even though I’m still a virgin. Almost lost my virginity at 26, but didn’t go all the way. I try to limit my usage of adult content online, but I always go back to it cause I need to release my frustration, sigh. I tell God I’m sorry every time, but he always forgives me I know. I just like to repent. I have a problem though and God knows it.

Ok, I know this is a super long..... long story and if you have read this far, thank you so much. Let me wrap it up with a positive note now since I basically described my whole life.

I know I’m saved and going into heaven when my time passes. I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and Jesus was the son of God.

I do need to learn more about the Lord and how am I doing that? I listening to the Bible on my phone here and there. I’m on the Old Testament right now and got a ways to go, but I’m excited to keep on listening.

Also I joined this site cause I need more help and advice as you can see. So let me stop here and say, thank you again if u read the whole thing.

It’s a new year and I’m honestly set up for failure it seems, but I hope God can help me.

Anyways, happy new year all and God bless!

Please comment and any advice would be much appreciated .

 

[Broken1989]

I made some errors on my story if you have noticed, I apologize on that. Just wanted to clear that up .

 

[derpytia]

Just signed up and this will be my first official post.

So... figured I’d tell you about my current life situation.

Ok here it goes.

I’m 29 years old, last of my 20s very scary . I been dealing with anxiety my whole life. I can hide it, but it’s getting so hard as I keep trying to close it inside. It’s a daily struggle for me I tell ya.

I’ve never lived on my own. I live with my Dad and he’s an amazing Father who takes care of his family. I’m so blessed to have him in my life. Just the thought of losing my Dad scares me to Death. He provides for me id say, 80 percent of the time and the other 20 I pay certain bills to him. I never been able to live on my own since I don’t have enough money and my anxiety gives me a panic attack thinking about living on my own, unless I had millions of dollars knowing I can provide for myself. That’s how I look at it in my current situation.

I been working at the same job since 2011, part time. It was my first job as well and I remember my first day going into the interview hiding my anxiety. I had a lot of help to get the job as well, a special program helped. Anyways, once 2013 hit I started hating my job and it hasn’t changed till this very day. I’m amazed I lasted this long. Guess it shows I can hang in there better then I thought I could do.

My job is in retail and I deal with a lot of nasty people and managers that don’t really care and they say they do, but don’t. I have to fake smile and hide in the pain I’m dealing with, yes. Customers think I’m a happy person and I’m not at all. I consider myself Broken. Just like my username as you can see. I’m dealing with depression and I had a mental breakdown about a month ago at home, it was brutal. 70 percent of my stress comes from my job and the rest, my life.

I keep saying to myself, I can’t do this anymore, no more. I had enough, I need to quit and move on to find something that will make me happy going to every day. Except, I don’t. My anxiety is holding me back to move on. Guess you can say, I’m scared of change. I’m comfortable, but not happy if that makes sense. Finding another job actually scares the heck out of me and I’m too afraid to put myself out there cause what if it gets worse for me .

There are only 2 things I like about my job. One is some of my friends I have and finally I live like 7 min walking distance to my job. I don’t drive due to anxiety. So having a job this close is really saving me in a sense. I still get around with car companies. This makes it hard for me to leave as well. I honestly wanna leave, but deep down I know I won’t. Just the idea of going to look for another job and doing the interview I don’t wanna do that again, no thank you. Guess I’m just waiting for a sign and it’s not working for me. You get the picture at my job situation.

Since I’m a stressful person I go to the gym 4 days a week and it really helps with my anxiety, temporarily. I was studying to be a personal trainer, but didn’t workout in the end. It wasn’t for me and it’s too hard. I workout for me, period. I was bullied in my school years and that’s what got me into working out in that gym. I guess you can say I turned a positive into a negative. However, being bullied has destroyed my life and I deal with bullying at my job all the time. I can guarantee you if I was never bullied in life, my life would of been so much different. Except I would of never gotten into working out fitness lifestyle, I’m so sure about that.

I can’t let my past go and I’m holding onto my broken shells of the people that hurt me. I’m holding in anger as well for sure. This is really a battle for me everyday. I know this is long and if your still reading this, I appreciate it.

One of the things I can’t let go is when this one teacher said I was stupid in front of the class and the whole classroom laughed at me, yep. I remember once I got home that day, I cried my eyes out in bed. I was never a kid who acted up in school. I was quiet and reserved. I had a decent amount of friends, but in the end they all used me for money and some just drifted away. Just teachers and kids were mean to me for know reason and it’s affecting me daily. I’ve done counseling many times in the past and it’s never helped me, ever. I don’t believe in getting therapy at all. I honestly come to the point that I deserve verbal abuse from others since I still get it daily, I don’t know.

Let’s see, what else???

I feel like I need to wind myself up every morning just to get up out of bed. I hardly ever feel well rested usually. I look in the mirror and just wanna cry and give up, but somehow I keep doing it. I never had a girlfriend in my life. I got my first kiss when I was 26 years old, it took that long, yep. In the past I was desperate on wanting a girlfriend and my loneliness was so..... bad. As time went on and I saw what relationships were like, I grew out of that. I accept being single and I’m ok with it. I do get sad at times seeing couples on instagram and in the world holding hands together. Knowing I’m never gonna experience it. It bothers me sometimes though, not extreme like it use to.

I have been video chatting with this girl for a year now and we care about each other, but don’t consider us a couple since she lives outside of the US and we’re never gonna meet in person since I told her my situation on my anxiety and life. She accepts it and I tell her to live her life, but she says she doesn’t want anyone else. It’s her choice of course. I won’t change though I keep telling her and I can see she’s sad, but she says she has never meet a guy like me before and doesn’t wanna lose me. I just can’t give her a life and she’s too far away. So we just do what we do on camera. She thinks I’ll find someone and I tell her I don’t want to find someone since I’m such a mess. I consider her one of my best friends. She loves me, but I don’t love her since I never been in love before. Plus being in love scares the heck out of me and her being so far away I can’t love someone who I’ll never physically be with ya know. I want her happy and I’m not her guy, nobody’s guy. She still sticks with me and I enjoy talking with her. I’m grateful to have her in my life. I just know I’ll never get to see her in person unless she can find a way down here, which won’t happen unfortunately. So, I just do what I can with her and enjoy our time video chatting.

When I go to family gatherings I always feel out of place. I’m never talkative like my family is and it’s very hard to put on a fake smile to my family pretending everything is ok and it’s not.

I keep calling myself a loser and I’m not proud of myself at all. When others compliment me on my body I don’t believe them and think my body is the worst. Guess you can say I don’t feel like a winner in life. When I look into women’s eyes I can see they wanna throw up and call me a loser. I can just sense that and don’t blame them. People can consider me too nice and that’s why I never win. I won’t change who I am, sorry.

I don’t smoke, drink or mess with illegal drugs what so ever, thank God. Even though I don’t do any of these things, I’m a mess. I am dealing with bad depression and life is becoming too much for me to handle, big time.

When some people say I’m handsome I don’t believe them since I never had a girlfriend in the past when I wanted one at the time. Girls use to bully me in the past and called me ugly. I just have a hard time believing anyone when they give me a compliment.

I’m dealing with Lust even though I’m still a virgin. Almost lost my virginity at 26, but didn’t go all the way. I try to limit my usage of adult content online, but I always go back to it cause I need to release my frustration, sigh. I tell God I’m sorry every time, but he always forgives me I know. I just like to repent. I have a problem though and God knows it.

Ok, I know this is a super long..... long story and if you have read this far, thank you so much. Let me wrap it up with a positive note now since I basically described my whole life.

I know I’m saved and going into heaven when my time passes. I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins and Jesus was the son of God.

I do need to learn more about the Lord and how am I doing that? I listening to the Bible on my phone here and there. I’m on the Old Testament right now and got a ways to go, but I’m excited to keep on listening.

Also I joined this site cause I need more help and advice as you can see. So let me stop here and say, thank you again if u read the whole thing.

It’s a new year and I’m honestly set up for failure it seems, but I hope God can help me.

Anyways, happy new year all and God bless!

Please comment and any advice would be much appreciated .

Wow you sound like me but with more anxiety!! I have anxiety too but I think yours is much worse than mine.

I'm pretty broken myself (though most of my sadness these days comes from physical ailments that cause mental ailments) but I've been moved to try and give you some comfort and advice!

Know that despite how much you fail, God loves you. Your worth as a person is not dependent on how many times you fail, whether you meet those life milestones that seem so important to everyone, or how much you anxiety gets you down. If it was then we'd have no hope. God looks at us broken people whom even society says are not worth much and makes the choice to love us anyway. It's comforting to know that God chooses us to love time and time again. I need to remind myself of this all the time.

As for your situation, I'd say perhaps find a therapist that can help you work through your anxiety to accomplish some personal goals you set for yourself? They don't have to be big goals or goals that are important to the people around you. They can be small goals that mean something to you.

That's about all the advice I have to give at the moment. I'm sorry that it isn't more and I apologize if it isn't helpful to you. Know you aren't alone and that you are loved, anxiety and all.

 

[Jordan1989]

Hi Broken. I just signed up to this forum myself today. So sorry to hear of all your struggles. I can relate a lot to you, as I suffered from a very debilitating anxiety disorder beginning in January 2013, which I would say I'm about 80% recovered from now - now that I finally found the right help and I am doing the right work, which I believe the Lord led me to after years of searching for the right help and answers.

I understand the pain that comes with this disorder. I just turned 29 last month and my wife divorced me last April due to my anxiety disorder. It lasted for many years and she said I was a shell of myself and even though she could see I was finally getting better, she said too many years went by and she felt alone. So she met someone online and then abandoned me for him. It was very painful.

It sounds like you have a lot of wounds from your past. People struggle with anxiety disorder because of unhealthy belief systems we've learned in the past - typically, at a young age. Our unhealthy belief systems direct our thought life and it can become automatic over time through repetition and reinforcement.

I was chronically bullied from a young age and had a lot of medical fears due to my brother suffering from cancer when I was a child. I discovered that my thought life was so negative and unhealthy and I was adding a lot of stress to my life by the way I thought. It sounds like you are too by some of the language you've used in your message.

I would encourage you to lean on the Lord heavily during this time. God was the one who has helped me through all of this and strengthened my faith in him. He has so many wonderful promises for us in the Bible that I've personally experienced from him when I've sought God and placed my faith in him. It's a process, not an event. May I ask how long you've been a believer for? How much of the Bible have you read? I'd like to know so maybe I could point you in the right direction to so books or chapters that have helped me.

Just know that you are not alone and God loves you so very much! He sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for you so you could have a new life in Christ! Once we become a believer, we receive the Holy Spirit and he gives us strength and help to change us. He has slowly delivered me from my disorder and changing my thoughts and attitudes as it says in Ephesians chapter 4.

I hope you have found some of this encouraging and feel free to respond. I'd love to talk more.

If you make the Lord your refuge,
If you make the most high your shelter,
no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.
They will hold you up with their hands so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone.
You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me, I will answer.
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation."

Psalms 91:9-16

 

[Broken1989]

Wow you sound like me but with more anxiety!! I have anxiety too but I think yours is much worse than mine.

I'm pretty broken myself (though most of my sadness these days comes from physical ailments that cause mental ailments) but I've been moved to try and give you some comfort and advice!

Know that despite how much you fail, God loves you. Your worth as a person is not dependent on how many times you fail, whether you meet those life milestones that seem so important to everyone, or how much you anxiety gets you down. If it was then we'd have no hope. God looks at us broken people whom even society says are not worth much and makes the choice to love us anyway. It's comforting to know that God chooses us to love time and time again. I need to remind myself of this all the time.

As for your situation, I'd say perhaps find a therapist that can help you work through your anxiety to accomplish some personal goals you set for yourself? They don't have to be big goals or goals that are important to the people around you. They can be small goals that mean something to you.

That's about all the advice I have to give at the moment. I'm sorry that it isn't more and I apologize if it isn't helpful to you. Know you aren't alone and that you are loved, anxiety and all.

Thank u for your advice and guidance, I appreciate it. Been dealing with a lot on my plate for years and it seems to get heavier and heavier as each year passes and I hope this year will be somewhat less on my plate, will see...

I been to counseling aka therapy many times in the past and it’s never helped me, so that’s a no no. I need something new. I hope God can guide me.

Anyways, thanks again for your help and I hope God helps you as well, prayers to ya.

Be safe!

 

[Broken1989]

Hi Broken. I just signed up to this forum myself today. So sorry to hear of all your struggles. I can relate a lot to you, as I suffered from a very debilitating anxiety disorder beginning in January 2013, which I would say I'm about 80% recovered from now - now that I finally found the right help and I am doing the right work, which I believe the Lord led me to after years of searching for the right help and answers.

I understand the pain that comes with this disorder. I just turned 29 last month and my wife divorced me last April due to my anxiety disorder. It lasted for many years and she said I was a shell of myself and even though she could see I was finally getting better, she said too many years went by and she felt alone. So she met someone online and then abandoned me for him. It was very painful.

It sounds like you have a lot of wounds from your past. People struggle with anxiety disorder because of unhealthy belief systems we've learned in the past - typically, at a young age. Our unhealthy belief systems direct our thought life and it can become automatic over time through repetition and reinforcement.

I was chronically bullied from a young age and had a lot of medical fears due to my brother suffering from cancer when I was a child. I discovered that my thought life was so negative and unhealthy and I was adding a lot of stress to my life by the way I thought. It sounds like you are too by some of the language you've used in your message.

I would encourage you to lean on the Lord heavily during this time. God was the one who has helped me through all of this and strengthened my faith in him. He has so many wonderful promises for us in the Bible that I've personally experienced from him when I've sought God and placed my faith in him. It's a process, not an event. May I ask how long you've been a believer for? How much of the Bible have you read? I'd like to know so maybe I could point you in the right direction to so books or chapters that have helped me.

Just know that you are not alone and God loves you so very much! He sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for you so you could have a new life in Christ! Once we become a believer, we receive the Holy Spirit and he gives us strength and help to change us. He has slowly delivered me from my disorder and changing my thoughts and attitudes as it says in Ephesians chapter 4.

I hope you have found some of this encouraging and feel free to respond. I'd love to talk more.

If you make the Lord your refuge,
If you make the most high your shelter,
no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.
They will hold you up with their hands so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone.
You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me, I will answer.
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation."

Psalms 91:9-16

Thank you for your response.

I’m so sorry about your ex wife, that’s gotta be brutal. Hey, I hope you find someone else out there who will always be by your side, prayers for ya.

I’m glad though your over coming your anxiety and I know it’s a tough battle to over come for sure, yes. All we can keep doing is trust in the Lord best we can, but it’s hard.

I’ve been a believer ever since I was a little kid. My guess I started learning about God at age 5 or 6, somewhere in there. I knew I was always saved cause I believe Jesus died on the cross for me for my sins and he was the Son, always believed that.

My problem was that I wasn’t learning more about him and that’s what I’m doing now with the audio Bible on my phone and I love it.

Currently on the Old Testament in Genesis 15, so got a ways to go, but I’m not rushing it and taking my time. I use to read the Bible and got up to the part where Moses died and then took like a few years off, yep.

I finally said it’s time to get back into it and went with the audio this time since I don’t like reading that much, works better for me.

Decided to start over and I’m fine with that cause I needed some refreshment.

 

[Jordan1989]

Thank you for your response.

I’m so sorry about your ex wife, that’s gotta be brutal. Hey, I hope you find someone else out there who will always be by your side, prayers for ya.

I’m glad though your over coming your anxiety and I know it’s a tough battle to over come for sure, yes. All we can keep doing is trust in the Lord best we can, but it’s hard.

I’ve been a believer ever since I was a little kid. My guess I started learning about God at age 5 or 6, somewhere in there. I knew I was always saved cause I believe Jesus died on the cross for me for my sins and he was the Son, always believed that.

My problem was that I wasn’t learning more about him and that’s what I’m doing now with the audio Bible on my phone and I love it.

Currently on the Old Testament in Genesis 15, so got a ways to go, but I’m not rushing it and taking my time. I use to read the Bible and got up to the part where Moses died and then took like a few years off, yep.

I finally said it’s time to get back into it and went with the audio this time since I don’t like reading that much, works better for me.

Decided to start over and I’m fine with that cause I needed some refreshment.

Thanks for your kindness and prayers. I do truly appreciate them.

How are you going about reading your Bible? Are you planning on going book-by-book in order, or a different structural approach to your reading?

I agree - take your time. I would also recommend you ask The Holy Spirit to teach you before you read. Remember, the Holy Spirit helps us to understand scripture and gives us insight. I can't tell you how many times I've been stumped on a verse before, and then I ask for the Holy Spirit's help, and then I'll make an observation or connection in scripture I've never thought of before. The Holy Spirit's help is real!

Also, id meditate on the following verses in the 2nd chapter of Proverbs:

"Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord, and you will gain knowledge of God. For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him. Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will fill you with joy. Wise choices will watch over you. Understanding will keep you safe." --Proverbs 2:2-11