My brain always goes to the worst thing.

[riona]

Every time I mess up, every time I fail, every time I make someone mad, it never fails... the first thought is "I should kill/hurt myself". EVERY time. I always feel like it would just be better if I wasn't here... that would fix everything. Can't be mad at me anymore, I'm dead. I can't mess up anymore, I'm dead.
I've asked myself why I don't do it... (as my old therapist always did)... and I don't really know. Fear.. even though I believe in God and Heaven, I still have fear of dying.
And my kids and husband. I really do love each of them. Even if they would not miss me, I would miss them.
I have no skills for forgiving myself. And I hate this about myself.

 

[Chaplain David]

Every time I mess up, every time I fail, every time I make someone mad, it never fails... the first thought is "I should kill/hurt myself". EVERY time. I always feel like it would just be better if I wasn't here... that would fix everything. Can't be mad at me anymore, I'm dead. I can't mess up anymore, I'm dead.
I've asked myself why I don't do it... (as my old therapist always did)... and I don't really know. Fear.. even though I believe in God and Heaven, I still have fear of dying.
And my kids and husband. I really do love each of them. Even if they would not miss me, I would miss them.
I have no skills for forgiving myself. And I hate this about myself.

Can you work on this with your therapist? Being one who used to always go straight for the negative I can tell you from my experience that it is a real waste of the life God gave to us. You can get over this. I will pray for you.

Faithfully,

 

[Tigger45]

God bless you.

 

[Chaplain David]

God bless us all. Thank you.

 

[Catherineanne]

Every time I mess up, every time I fail, every time I make someone mad, it never fails... the first thought is "I should kill/hurt myself". EVERY time. I always feel like it would just be better if I wasn't here... that would fix everything. Can't be mad at me anymore, I'm dead. I can't mess up anymore, I'm dead.
I've asked myself why I don't do it... (as my old therapist always did)... and I don't really know. Fear.. even though I believe in God and Heaven, I still have fear of dying.
And my kids and husband. I really do love each of them. Even if they would not miss me, I would miss them.
I have no skills for forgiving myself. And I hate this about myself.

Your therapist asked you why you did not kill yourself? That is one seriously bad therapist.

It sounds as if you feel intense pain every time you make a mistake, as if you expect to be perfect all the time. None of us can ever achieve perfection, but perhaps you were taught that this is the only acceptable kind of person for you to be. Whoever taught you that was far from perfect, because perfectionism is a very damaging way to live. You can google it and find out more about how damaging and paralysing it can be.

Instead of aiming for perfect, try aiming instead for 'good enough'. Look at the people around you; are they perfect? Or are they simply good enough? Why can't you be the same?

Your own pain would end if you were to die, by whatever means. But if you were to take your own life that would not be the end of that pain. Instead of you containing it in yourself, you would make a gift of it to everyone who loves you;your husband, your children, your close family and friends. They love you and need you far more than you realise, because you think they will only love you when you are perfect. This is not true; they love you now, just as you are.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/perfectionism

 

[orangeness365]

I struggle with hating myself for my imperfections, and I think about killing myself. Although at the same time I cling to life because I'm afraid I'm going to hell when I die, regardless of whether I commit suicide or not. My brother says that nobody is perfect, and it says that in the Bible too, that all have fallen short of the glory of God.

Romans 3:21-26
21But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— 22the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. 26It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.

Only Jesus was perfect. Perhaps you feel like you have to punish/kill yourself because deep down you don't think Jesus died for your sins too? Sometimes I still struggle with thinking that Jesus being crucified doesn't atone for my sins, even though I know according to the Bible that it does. It's good that you don't want to sin and try not to, but I think the Bible is more about repentance than punishment. Punishment comes when there is no repentance, and it sounds like in your heart you have repented. Forgiveness is very important to Christianity. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to learn to forgive myself and others as well. The most I do is forget. I'm not sure i know how to forgive. I'm working on it, but I'm very new to it.

Although the Bible says that it is better to enter heaven mutilated than to have your limbs and go to hell. Matthew 5:29. I can't tell you to mutilate yourself to go to heaven though, because I don't even cut myself.

 

[FlaviusAetius]

Just letting you know OP that you aren't alone in these feelings. The smallest failure on my part no matter how insignificant leaves me furious at myself and suicidal. Then afterwards I feel like I don't have the ability too function independent in society which also makes me question why I keep living.

Luckily I have never acted on these feelings. I guess I'm just an attention who're.

 

[muddleglum]

My flesh is suicidal. I, abiding in Christ, am not. I don't trust the feelings that my flesh give me nor do I consider my flesh the real me. It will turn to dust and, when this old world turns to flames, it will be toast. The real me, in Christ, will have its tears wiped away. Focus on that.

 

[RuthD]

Every time I mess up, every time I fail, every time I make someone mad, it never fails... the first thought is "I should kill/hurt myself". EVERY time. I always feel like it would just be better if I wasn't here... that would fix everything. Can't be mad at me anymore, I'm dead. I can't mess up anymore, I'm dead.
I've asked myself why I don't do it... (as my old therapist always did)... and I don't really know. Fear.. even though I believe in God and Heaven, I still have fear of dying.
And my kids and husband. I really do love each of them. Even if they would not miss me, I would miss them.
I have no skills for forgiving myself. And I hate this about myself.

There are ways to cope without doing yourself in, I used to do that but I never died and ended up feeling stupid. I have learned that just becuase someone says something I don't have to react to it. I don't have to react to many things. I also am trying to look at people with forgiveness before they even say anything. People are not God and make all kinds of mistakes and need forgiveness. All the best to you.

 

[riona]

I'm not currently working with a therapist. I have moved a long way from my last one and haven't mustered the courage to start new with a new one. I hate the thought of having to relive everything for a new doctor so that they can try to understand. So I just don't go.
However, my old one would talk to me about my suicidal thoughts and just ask me things like "What stops you from doing it?" I believe to provoke me into thinking about the reasons I am still here and why I shouldn't.... it was never malicious like "Why don't you just do it then?"

I know I'm not perfect. I know perfection cannot be achieved, because the bible says so. Heck, I know sometimes when I make a mistake it wasn't even my fault! But I can't shake the personal tear-down.
I also do not believe in hell as a 'location'. My religious belief actually doesn't seem to effect my choosing life. I don't really want to make this post about my beliefs, so I'll just leave it at that point. I beg God for help every time I feel this way. I hate it. I really really do. But I can't stop it.

 

[orangeness365]

I'm not currently working with a therapist. I have moved a long way from my last one and haven't mustered the courage to start new with a new one. I hate the thought of having to relive everything for a new doctor so that they can try to understand. So I just don't go.
However, my old one would talk to me about my suicidal thoughts and just ask me things like "What stops you from doing it?" I believe to provoke me into thinking about the reasons I am still here and why I shouldn't.... it was never malicious like "Why don't you just do it then?"

I know I'm not perfect. I know perfection cannot be achieved, because the bible says so. Heck, I know sometimes when I make a mistake it wasn't even my fault! But I can't shake the personal tear-down.
I also do not believe in hell as a 'location'. My religious belief actually doesn't seem to effect my choosing life. I don't really want to make this post about my beliefs, so I'll just leave it at that point. I beg God for help every time I feel this way. I hate
it. I really really do. But I can't stop it.

It sucks that you are going through this. I don't know. Maybe ask God to help you kick the habit? I'm struggling with something similar too, so I don't know how to overcome it. I hate myself every time I remember something I did wrong.

 

[Krissy Cakes]

Praying for you and hope you can find a new one. But I understand what you mean. Mine moved away and I had to get a new one and it was HARD as I had her for over 2 years.

Here if you want to talk.

Blessings,

Army Wife

 

[Poster0]

My flesh is suicidal. I, abiding in Christ, am not. I don't trust the feelings that my flesh give me nor do I consider my flesh the real me. It will turn to dust and, when this old world turns to flames, it will be toast. The real me, in Christ, will have its tears wiped away. Focus on that.

I like your attitude and i share it as well. The fear, depression, anxiety, self hatred and every other negative thing i experience, its just the flesh. I refuse to put my face on it any longer. Its a part of this life but its not me.

 

[Poster0]

I have the same struggle that the OP has. I often blame myself and wish i were dead, but the truth is that i want to live and im afraid of dying. I feel traumatized by so many things. I have haunting memories of all my failures, and of the bad treatment that i have received my so many people, even religious people. Perhaps i have PTSD, or something else. All i truly know is that im really messed up inside, i even talk to myself because i am full of pain inside and it often spills out into words. I catch myself talking to myself often. Many people think i crazy but i don't really care anymore. I only care to rest in the Lord whenever i can, and get to the end of my race.

 

[Poster0]

sorry, i tried to edit my last post and ended up quoting it instead i think. Please ignore this post.