my big hurdle

[emmab]

musings of the moment..

i am realising to my annoyance that submitting to my natural set point is a necessary eh? i guess i am SCARED TO DEATH. i havent been free of disordered eating since i was eighteen, and have no idea what weight i might be as an adult if i let go and just ate healthily like "normals" do

why am i scared..hmmm..guess i feel that if its over what i woudl like, i will feel disgusted, feel it is not my "best effort" having been really thin, that it is weak, that people are mocking me enjoying seeing me fail and be unhappy. i guess a large part is that i have a good friend who has beaten anorexia physically, but she lives every day hating her (normal) sized body, and i think God what has she gained she is still so miserable

and i feel like giving up my rigid control is settling and weak and useless.

i can do the healthy eating ok, it is the consequences that set me back. i DO gain really fast and it is the rate and the seeming illogical gain that i cant handle..i am talking about fitting clothes one day, eating moderately for three days, then not fitting clothes, so it is a real mind-screw for me!!! like it bears out the "irrational" belief that i will gain really fast haha

but part of me (the tiny sane part left ) knows that submission to natural body weight as GOD has created me with is the only way to go....WHY CANT I DO THAT?!?!

i am working through the underlying insecurity etc...its like my self esteem IS good, BUT it is incredibly fragile, and i know i put too much emphasis on appearance as a protective factor in my selfimage

i am getting there i think, each time i slip in my thinking i think the ED comes back a bit less strong than the time before.... heres hoping one day it buggars off altogether

how lame am i that i cant STAND the thought of losing sight of my bones and equate it with fat, yet i love other woman's bodies that arent bony grrrrr
wishing you all a happy healthy and satisfying day
xxx

 

[Soulwings]

I understand the feeling of not wanting to lose sight of your bones. But think of your body as a separate entity. It's something you've got to take care of, and with which you must live in harmony. And you can only take good care of it by eating right. It will do the rest for you. I don't know if you are seeing a nutritionist, but that was one of the best things I've ever done in my life, and they can really give you the best advice on what type of food to eat in order to gain only lean muscle tissue, not fat.

You're in my prayers. PM me anytime, ok?

 

[inHisgripkim]

Hey Emmab:

I'm going to put somethings out here that may not be applicable. It's just something for you to take a look at.

Maybe you fear losing sight of your bones because you have used that as your gauge for gaining weight rather than basing weight gain on the size clothing you should be fitting into and the average weight measure you should be at.

I used to wrap my fingers around my wrist to gauge my weight gain. Any time I felt a space between my fingers and wrist, I felt comforted. When there was no space, I felt that I was gaining and off on a diet I would go. Of course, I don't do that anymore. I have managed break away from that habit by just focusing on body toning through exercise and eathing extremely healthy.

Hang in there. We are all praying for you.

Much love,
Kim

 

[emmab]

thanks
i used to do the fingers thing but on my upper arm (terrible i know but until recently i could touch around it eeek)