- Apr 26, 2010
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This is My testimony of my faith, and the struggles Ive gone through in my life, including struggles with my sexuality. First of all I live here in central Washington in a very conservative, and very religious town. Ive always had strong Christian beliefs, even if I didnt always follow them. Just Let me start from the beginning and Ill tell the whole story:
My Childhood.. I was the fifth out of six children. I was a quiet child, and I stuck to my self alot of the time. There was a reason for that though. First of all, I had an alcoholic father who was verbally abusive towards me. I also had an older brother, who was verbally and physically abusive. I really resented both of them for the way they treated me. To make it worse, I didn't get along with the kids at school either. Many of them were very cruel to me. It was a living nightmare! The only thing I knew to do was to look to God to help me through those painful times.
My First Church.. When I was about ten, I started going to church. It was a Baptist church just around the corner. I dont remember much about Sunday School there, but I remember learning all the basics. Ill always remember going to church camp when I was twelve, where I accepted Jesus as my savior. That was a memorable day for me in my walk with God. I got Baptized soon after that. I was headed in the right direction spiritually, but I was also starting to realize that I was different. I didnt understand what was happening, or why it was happening to me. I tried to ignore it, but it just wouldnt go away.
I dont remember learning a whole lot from church growing up, but I did learn all the Fundamentals of the faith. I always believed the Bible to be Gods word, but I just wasnt willing to take the effort to read it, and not knowing the Bible kept me from knowing the full truth.
By the time I was eighteen, I gave up on God. I tried hard to be a good Christian, but since I couldnt be the good Christian I wanted to be, I just gave up after awhile. It wasnt helping that at the time I knew deep down about my sexuality. I never chose to have those attractions, and I didnt want them. I denied it to myself, and I kept it bottled up inside, like a dirty little secret. I just wanted it to go away, but it wouldnt.
My First and Last Girlfriend.. When I was 18, I got my very first girlfriend. Her name was Gina, and we ended up getting pretty serious. We even lived together. I played the part, but deep down I knew this wasnt what I wanted. Inside I had these feelings and attractions that I couldnt do anything about. After awhile I told Gina about these feelings I had, and she wasnt too happy about it. I wasnt too happy either. I was very unsure about my future and where my life was heading.
Coming Out.. After I was with Gina about a year, I started meeting other gay people, and I got my first glimpse of the gay community. I was really fascinated with this new world I had discovered, and I knew I wanted to be a part of it. After Awhile, Gina started to see how I was changing, and she didnt take it too well. We had a pretty rough break up over it. I didnt mean to hurt Gina, but I couldnt live that lie anymore. I had to be me. Anyways I was ready to put this all behind me, and start a new chapter in my life.
Coming out to My Family.. At this time my family was finding out about me geing gay. Most of the immediate family was fine with it. The only ones it really bothered were My Dad and my older brother. They were both already very cruel to me in the first place. It got even worse after they found out about me. Later on My Grandpa found out, he accused me of being a child molestor. I didnt want anything to do with him after that ignorant comment.
Over the next couple years, I managed to get into afew relationships which ended up being a complete waste of time. All I wanted was someone to love. I didnt feel sinful at all about that. Theres nothing wrong with loving someone and sharing my life with them. I did however felt wrong and sinful when it came to sex. I knew it was wrong, but being the needy, co-dependent person I am, I had to accept it as part of a relationship.
My New Church Home.. When I was about 26, I decided find a steady church to go to. I wanted a Baptist church, like the one I was raised in. I checked out about a half dozen churches, and I didnt find anything I liked. One day I went to a nice little Baptist church, and I liked it, and I liked the pastor. I was very impressed with the services, so I started going there. I talked to the Pastor after a Bible study one day. I ended up telling him Im gay, and he took it very well. He told me what the Bible says about it, but he didnt judge me at all. Since then hes always been very nice to me, and treats me like he would treat any other person in the church, and That really means alot to me. Weve had some good talks over the years. Even though I don't go to church very often, I always go to that church when I do go, and I consider it my church home.
My Dad .. In the fall of 2000, I got a call from my mom saying my dad was in the hospital dying from a cancer in his brain that he never even knew he had. It all happened so fast! I was in California at the time, so I quickly went back home to say my goodbye, but he wasn't conscious when I got there. He died two days later, and I never got to say goodbye. I never mourned or shed a tear when he died. I admit he was a good person after he quit drinking, and I try to remember him that way. I'm left with unresolved feelings. Feelings about my younger years, and about the way he treated me. I did forgive him though. I knew I needed to, for my own sake.
A New Companion.. It was 2002.I was about thirty three at the time, and I was unsure about where my life was going. I just got out of a ten year relationship, and I really didnt want to be single. I wanted to find that special someone to share my life with. After four months of looking, I met someone. His name was Bill, and I really liked him. He was so nice and friendly, but what really won me over was when he told me he was a Fundamentalist Christian like myself. What more could anyone ask for? Anyways, we totally hit it off, and I moved in with him not too long after we met.
The Bible: A new World for me.. I noticed Bill always found time to read the Bible everyday. It inspidered me to started reading the Bible. It opened me upto a new world. I was finally able to see for myself what Gods word says. For the first time, I was able to read for my self about my salvation, and about other things. Thats when I really started to grow as a Christian. I still felt very sinful about some things. Now that I was learning the Bible and learning the truth, I had no excuse.
Giving up the Sin.. After two years together, I made a life altering decision. I was still feeling weighed down by the sin. I wanted to take this sin out of my life, and be celibate, but I wanted us to stay together as companions. I talked to Bill about it, and Although he doesnt feel as strongly about it as me, he agreed to do it. I even talked to my my pastor about it. I told him my situation. He agreed that it was just the sexual act thats a sin, not the companionship itsself. He was still concerned about how close Bill and I are emotionally, but he didnt see that as a sin. He just prettymuch confirmed what I already thought.
From that point, we both gave up the sin, but we stayed together for the companionship. That was in 2004, and since then Ive really been able to grow as a Christian, since I dont have to worry about being weighed down by the sin anymore. I was afraid at first about how this would change the relationship between me and Bill, but it didnt change it in a bad way. The friendship between us has always been very strong, and it still is. We still feel like were more than just friends, but I feel that our platonic companionship is completely acceptable to God.
Since my decision to do this, my sexual orientation has never changed, and I dont expect it to. Thats why I chose celibacy. I dont think people choose their sexual orientation, and I dont think they can change it that easily either. The extremely low success rate of Exodus (the ex-gay movement) is proof of that. If someone struggling with homosexuality wants to try to be straight when they know thats not what they are, thats their foolishness. I think the only logical option for a someone struggles with homosexuality, and wants to live right by God, is celibacy.
Both me and Bill have been completely celibate for six years now. Ive had alot of ridicule from other Christians about having such a close companionship with another man, and for referring to myself as gay, and Ive also gotten alot of ridicule from other gays about being celibate, and about being a Christian. I am thankful though for all the support I have from my family, from Bill and his family, and from our friends. Beyond that, I had no support.
After years of feeling alone and out of place, I recently found a nice website that ministors specifically to Gay Christians who have chosen celibacy as their lifestyle, just like I have. Theres about 900 members so far. That seems like alot, but were very much a minority. Its just nice to know that Im not going through this alone. I have other gay brothers and sisters in Christ for fellowship and support.
Thanks for reading my story. Im hoping those who reads it will somehow get a better understanding of what its like to struggle with homosexuality. Im thankful to God for giving me the strength, and the willpower to win that struggle, and Im thankful for all the support Ive gotten.
My Childhood.. I was the fifth out of six children. I was a quiet child, and I stuck to my self alot of the time. There was a reason for that though. First of all, I had an alcoholic father who was verbally abusive towards me. I also had an older brother, who was verbally and physically abusive. I really resented both of them for the way they treated me. To make it worse, I didn't get along with the kids at school either. Many of them were very cruel to me. It was a living nightmare! The only thing I knew to do was to look to God to help me through those painful times.
My First Church.. When I was about ten, I started going to church. It was a Baptist church just around the corner. I dont remember much about Sunday School there, but I remember learning all the basics. Ill always remember going to church camp when I was twelve, where I accepted Jesus as my savior. That was a memorable day for me in my walk with God. I got Baptized soon after that. I was headed in the right direction spiritually, but I was also starting to realize that I was different. I didnt understand what was happening, or why it was happening to me. I tried to ignore it, but it just wouldnt go away.
I dont remember learning a whole lot from church growing up, but I did learn all the Fundamentals of the faith. I always believed the Bible to be Gods word, but I just wasnt willing to take the effort to read it, and not knowing the Bible kept me from knowing the full truth.
By the time I was eighteen, I gave up on God. I tried hard to be a good Christian, but since I couldnt be the good Christian I wanted to be, I just gave up after awhile. It wasnt helping that at the time I knew deep down about my sexuality. I never chose to have those attractions, and I didnt want them. I denied it to myself, and I kept it bottled up inside, like a dirty little secret. I just wanted it to go away, but it wouldnt.
My First and Last Girlfriend.. When I was 18, I got my very first girlfriend. Her name was Gina, and we ended up getting pretty serious. We even lived together. I played the part, but deep down I knew this wasnt what I wanted. Inside I had these feelings and attractions that I couldnt do anything about. After awhile I told Gina about these feelings I had, and she wasnt too happy about it. I wasnt too happy either. I was very unsure about my future and where my life was heading.
Coming Out.. After I was with Gina about a year, I started meeting other gay people, and I got my first glimpse of the gay community. I was really fascinated with this new world I had discovered, and I knew I wanted to be a part of it. After Awhile, Gina started to see how I was changing, and she didnt take it too well. We had a pretty rough break up over it. I didnt mean to hurt Gina, but I couldnt live that lie anymore. I had to be me. Anyways I was ready to put this all behind me, and start a new chapter in my life.
Coming out to My Family.. At this time my family was finding out about me geing gay. Most of the immediate family was fine with it. The only ones it really bothered were My Dad and my older brother. They were both already very cruel to me in the first place. It got even worse after they found out about me. Later on My Grandpa found out, he accused me of being a child molestor. I didnt want anything to do with him after that ignorant comment.
Over the next couple years, I managed to get into afew relationships which ended up being a complete waste of time. All I wanted was someone to love. I didnt feel sinful at all about that. Theres nothing wrong with loving someone and sharing my life with them. I did however felt wrong and sinful when it came to sex. I knew it was wrong, but being the needy, co-dependent person I am, I had to accept it as part of a relationship.
My New Church Home.. When I was about 26, I decided find a steady church to go to. I wanted a Baptist church, like the one I was raised in. I checked out about a half dozen churches, and I didnt find anything I liked. One day I went to a nice little Baptist church, and I liked it, and I liked the pastor. I was very impressed with the services, so I started going there. I talked to the Pastor after a Bible study one day. I ended up telling him Im gay, and he took it very well. He told me what the Bible says about it, but he didnt judge me at all. Since then hes always been very nice to me, and treats me like he would treat any other person in the church, and That really means alot to me. Weve had some good talks over the years. Even though I don't go to church very often, I always go to that church when I do go, and I consider it my church home.
My Dad .. In the fall of 2000, I got a call from my mom saying my dad was in the hospital dying from a cancer in his brain that he never even knew he had. It all happened so fast! I was in California at the time, so I quickly went back home to say my goodbye, but he wasn't conscious when I got there. He died two days later, and I never got to say goodbye. I never mourned or shed a tear when he died. I admit he was a good person after he quit drinking, and I try to remember him that way. I'm left with unresolved feelings. Feelings about my younger years, and about the way he treated me. I did forgive him though. I knew I needed to, for my own sake.
A New Companion.. It was 2002.I was about thirty three at the time, and I was unsure about where my life was going. I just got out of a ten year relationship, and I really didnt want to be single. I wanted to find that special someone to share my life with. After four months of looking, I met someone. His name was Bill, and I really liked him. He was so nice and friendly, but what really won me over was when he told me he was a Fundamentalist Christian like myself. What more could anyone ask for? Anyways, we totally hit it off, and I moved in with him not too long after we met.
The Bible: A new World for me.. I noticed Bill always found time to read the Bible everyday. It inspidered me to started reading the Bible. It opened me upto a new world. I was finally able to see for myself what Gods word says. For the first time, I was able to read for my self about my salvation, and about other things. Thats when I really started to grow as a Christian. I still felt very sinful about some things. Now that I was learning the Bible and learning the truth, I had no excuse.
Giving up the Sin.. After two years together, I made a life altering decision. I was still feeling weighed down by the sin. I wanted to take this sin out of my life, and be celibate, but I wanted us to stay together as companions. I talked to Bill about it, and Although he doesnt feel as strongly about it as me, he agreed to do it. I even talked to my my pastor about it. I told him my situation. He agreed that it was just the sexual act thats a sin, not the companionship itsself. He was still concerned about how close Bill and I are emotionally, but he didnt see that as a sin. He just prettymuch confirmed what I already thought.
From that point, we both gave up the sin, but we stayed together for the companionship. That was in 2004, and since then Ive really been able to grow as a Christian, since I dont have to worry about being weighed down by the sin anymore. I was afraid at first about how this would change the relationship between me and Bill, but it didnt change it in a bad way. The friendship between us has always been very strong, and it still is. We still feel like were more than just friends, but I feel that our platonic companionship is completely acceptable to God.
Since my decision to do this, my sexual orientation has never changed, and I dont expect it to. Thats why I chose celibacy. I dont think people choose their sexual orientation, and I dont think they can change it that easily either. The extremely low success rate of Exodus (the ex-gay movement) is proof of that. If someone struggling with homosexuality wants to try to be straight when they know thats not what they are, thats their foolishness. I think the only logical option for a someone struggles with homosexuality, and wants to live right by God, is celibacy.
Both me and Bill have been completely celibate for six years now. Ive had alot of ridicule from other Christians about having such a close companionship with another man, and for referring to myself as gay, and Ive also gotten alot of ridicule from other gays about being celibate, and about being a Christian. I am thankful though for all the support I have from my family, from Bill and his family, and from our friends. Beyond that, I had no support.
After years of feeling alone and out of place, I recently found a nice website that ministors specifically to Gay Christians who have chosen celibacy as their lifestyle, just like I have. Theres about 900 members so far. That seems like alot, but were very much a minority. Its just nice to know that Im not going through this alone. I have other gay brothers and sisters in Christ for fellowship and support.
Thanks for reading my story. Im hoping those who reads it will somehow get a better understanding of what its like to struggle with homosexuality. Im thankful to God for giving me the strength, and the willpower to win that struggle, and Im thankful for all the support Ive gotten.
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