My apologies

[Jeshu]

A poem I wrote after a psychotic episode opened my eyes to our Lord in me.

I See

I see the Chosen
the dust of the earth
......Awaiting.....
the great awakening
......Awaiting.....
A New Beginning
We all died to the old.

I look up in hope
relief at last
no pain will remain
after birthing is done
The hurt lies in the past
now only awaiting time
to stop bleeding.

I hear God's children rejoicing
The great throng praising,
What Joy is ours?
Life everlasting
doesn't die again
not now..
..or ever!

I see Holy, Holy, Holy
Worthy of all adoration
Numbered existence gone.
Forever praising
The Lamb
for what He's done
for ALL of us.

Amen.

 

[Tempura]

We all have breakdowns. At least I do. Pushed far enough, and the vents start to get pressurized. It happens. No biggie.

 

[W2L]

We all have breakdowns. At least I do. Pushed far enough, and the vents start to get pressurized. It happens. No biggie.

Yes, especially when we feel trapped in a difficult place. No job, transportation, no money, no recreation, no normal human function whatsoever, and no escape. Its like a nightmare.

 

[W2L]

I'm far from normal in every way. I feel totally detached from life. Its unreal. Its so hard being this way. These words seem useless too, just like my life. People say online fellowship isn't real but that's my life, its all atypical and so difficult. They frustrate me when they scoff at online fellowship. They turn the only fellowship I have into a meaningless thing.. They take what little freedom I have and turn it into a prison. They have jobs, cars, churches, friends, and the internet too, and they cant even share the internet. They turn it into a prison instead of using it to open up a doorway to liberty. It does frustrate me.

 

[W2L]

At least that's how I feel about it anyway. For years I hoped for a miracle but none came. My dignity and livelihood stripped from me, and I kept hoping. I had a roof over my head so it could be worse, but still I'm not even human anymore. Compound that with other problems I struggle with, that I cant even talk about, and its easy to see how I could freak out and lose control. Having a job and recreation is essential to good mental health.

 

[W2L]

Anyway, for what its worth, that's my situation.

 

[W2L]

I wont complain though, nor pass my burdens onto others. I just ask for understanding. Just listen and understand, that's all I ask and want. I'm working with my meds doctor, and perhaps they will find a job suitable for my disabilities. That's my hope.

 

[W2L]

I shouldn't have shared all that. I guess its my hope people will take online fellowship more seriously. Its my hope to promote that. Sorry for getting negative again.

 

[Goatee]

Its good that you have shared it.

I understand 100% as my life is the pits! Really, it is!

I am a massive sinner. Wife hates me. I have nowhere to turn. I am living in a bubble. Yea, ok, 70% my fault.

I pray everyday for death. Life, for me, is meaningless.

You are not alone in your suffering. You would be surprised how many people are going through what you are going through.

What is the answer?

Wish i knew really. I plod on. Ever darkening tunnel. Tried talking to wife today and she doesn't want to know. We are only together because of our daughter.

I am supposed to go to church today as, for a Catholic, it is a day of obligation. You know, i cant! Why? Because i need confession. I have sinned badly yet again. I am a big failure my friend.

Sorry to offload like this.

 

[Jeshu]

Its good that you have shared it.

I understand 100% as my life is the pits! Really, it is!

I am a massive sinner. Wife hates me. I have nowhere to turn. I am living in a bubble. Yea, ok, 70% my fault.

I pray everyday for death. Life, for me, is meaningless.

You are not alone in your suffering. You would be surprised how many people are going through what you are going through.

What is the answer?

Wish i knew really. I plod on. Ever darkening tunnel. Tried talking to wife today and she doesn't want to know. We are only together because of our daughter.

I am supposed to go to church today as, for a Catholic, it is a day of obligation. You know, i cant! Why? Because i need confession. I have sinned badly yet again. I am a big failure my friend.

Sorry to offload like this.

I love you brother. I always have. You are a great guy at least you sorry you went wrong so many don't care one little bit.

Please don't drag yourself through the dirt for it any longer but forgive especially where you have guilt in action. Jesus will clean what hasn't been cleaned yet and set you free. However you to be like our Heavenly Father and brother and forgive yourself, and everybody else as well who is sorry and pray those who are not will be and stop doing more wrong to loving hearts.

I pray To Jesus that you will learn to drink His blood and eat His flesh and not just a little bit of wine and bread and think that will fix it. For you can seen that this didn't work for you. For you still have so much guilt and no New life in this yet my dear brother. Your and other peoples sin is still hurting the hell out of you.

Grace brother. Drink God's grace and keep drinking until you are free from guilt. Only then can things begin to improve for you. Once all of your guilt has been replaced with grace then you know Jesus has washed you clean and you will be a very different man than you often feel now. This may take a few years but so what you will be restored along the way instead of not getting away from the pain.

Never believe any accusations against you that hurt dear brother, and certainly not words spoken by people, or God's Word, who/which love you, so as to correct the wrong inside hurting you where the hurt inside you hurt you even more instead of fix it.

Simply keep dropping your pain off at Christ feet and drink and eat yourself into Him accepting His loving grace.

Much love

 

[Jeshu]

I shouldn't have shared all that. I guess its my hope people will take online fellowship more seriously. Its my hope to promote that. Sorry for getting negative again.

Much love, you doing great best to get it out among loving people that is how we heal, honestly so.

 

[Rasnosauj]

I am sorry for my recent mental breakdown. I could explain but no one would understand. All i can say is im sorry. There is no excuse for having a breakdown. I was wrong.

Homie, we all fell off somewhere. I don't anymore because I'm a grown as s man. Keepz meditating boy.