Moving In

[nbiol]

Who are you rebuking?

 

[katautumn]

I think it's a fallacy to assume that you would ever need to live with someone in order to know them well enough to decide if they're a candidate for marriage. There are many couples who have had long, happy marriages who never lived together, and there are many couples who lived together, got married, and then divorced shortly.

I guess it would depend on how long you date a person and how much alone time the two people spend together. I find that the real problem comes in relationships where a couple is not even allowed to be together without the presence of a chaperone, and even then their time together is limited due to parental concern of the couple rushing their emotional bond.

And yes, there are couples who don't live together who have long marriages and there are couples who do live together who end up divorced. My parents did not live together prior to marriage, but obviously since my mom was pregnant with me they had spent a significant amount of time together. They just celebrated their twenty-eighth anniversary.

I don't think your situation is necessarily even a good indicator of the meaning of your own experiences with cohabitation, either. Sure, you cohabitated in your later relationship and it worked out, but weren't you also a much older, more mature person than you were at 18? So you don't really know that living together made the difference.

You're absolutely correct. I'm not certain that living together made the difference as it is true I was twenty-five and my husband was forty-one at the time we decided to move in together. Plus, we had been seeing each other for over a year.

I have always read that studies reveal that couples who cohabitate actually have a higher rate of future divorce than couples who don't, take that as you will.

I think those studies provide an excellent example of correlation does not necessarily equal causation. I, personally, believe that it isn't so much the living together that causes divorce. I think the fact that most people live together prior to marriage and most people end up divorced makes it seem that way. On a similar note, most couples who don't live together prior to marriage are very religious and wouldn't get divorced even if their marriage was in the toilet.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

yes I am 18, he is 24. I am homeschooled and IF I go to college I will do it online through the schooling I am with now, so that is taken care of. I have a summer job, looking for a full time, he has a really good job also. He already has a house of his own. I can see myself with him forever, I love him so much. But thanks for your conserns and advice. even though none of it really helped any, thanks anyways.

If I were you, I would read Lynn's advice a few more times because I don't believe that a person like yourself considering a move could read what Lynn wrote and not find anything helpful in it.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

On a side note, as soon as I read the topic title, I thought of Billy Joel.

 

[nbiol]

He rebukes everyone, not an uncommon thing for his posts

I was jw... seeing as he as rebuking advice for being ungodly, when I dont find mine ungodly at all

 

[miss_klara]

To the OP... I think you're being very child-like and naive in your approach. Sorry to be blunt, but everything you've posted screams of immaturity and "I'll do what I want". You don't actually want advice, because you've said yourself that you're finding the advice given to you to be unhelpful. Actually, everyone's advice has been filled with some great insight. My advice? In all love, do some growing up first.

 

[The Princess Bride]

Just curious, how long have you and your BF been together?

I would seriously suggesting putting the brakes on moving in together before getting married, nor do I suggest you "hurry up" and get married either.

Have you two discussed your life goals? Not what your goals/ideas would be together, but separately? How financially stable do you both want to be to start a family? Do either of you even want kids?

I will agree with Lynn that you want to avoid debt at all costs, but I urge on the other hand that you stay at home as long as you can, get yourself an education (sex and marriage CAN wait) and set aside a "nest egg" for down the road.

When I was 18 I was in a similar predicament, and for various reasons I did not follow-through, and I am very glad I didn't, as I broke up with the guy less than 2 months later, BUT it did teach me a valuable lesson, and that is you DO NOT make a hasty decision based on impulse.

If saving sex for marriage is something that is important to you, you probably won't feel that way if you were to move in together...like someone else said, your BF would probably expect/or hope that you'd change your mind.

Take the next year or two to get to know each other better, get set financially, in your education/career, buy a car, and get some money set aside. Time is in your favor right now,don't rush it.

 

[KatacrossthePond]

Great advice by everyone so far. I'd second every one of them. Please don't do anything hasty. 6 years age difference isn't very much when you're 30 and 36 but amounts to a lot when you're 18 and 24, especially when the 24 year old has 'a good job and his own house' and the 18 year old lives at home and has been homeschooled all her life. I'm not saying it cant' work but please please do yourself a favour and become independent a bit first. Why not find a job and see whether you'll like it for say six months? Save some money and then talk to your mom - then she'll be able to see that you're taking positive steps to become independent and it won't just seem like you're rushing to get out of the parental home as soon as you possibly can. I assume you graduated this summer?

Hope this helps

 

[Weasel7711]

Just read the billion other threads on this matter in this forum.

 

[Bootstrap]

You know, I do think each of us has the right and responsibility before God to seek out what we believe is right in his eyes. When the OP asks for advice, that doesn't mean she has to obey, it's often good to listen to what people say as input.

I agree with the advice that has been given - I think moving in would be a bad idea - but I think it's important to be respectful of her right to discern and make her own decision on this. (Like the rest of you, I'm very concerned for her, and hope she chooses wisely.)

Jonathan

 

[kl_lorent]

After reading everybody's posts I had to add my thoughts on living together for the purpose of finding out if the SO is fit for marriage. First, living together with anyone that you are in an intimate relationship with will always be a challenge so there actually won't be any surprises when you're married if you understand that. Second, a person's character should be able to shine through enough for you while dating without living together. For example, you're going to know if they are prone to become angry through talking to them about their past and when different situations arise and you get to see how they respond to things. You're also going to know, without living together whether they are an alcoholic or something of the sort which is an immediate warning sign.

The living together part shows you who is the neat freak and who is the slob, who is lazy and who is always active, who is timely and who is always late. Those are things that you WILL fight over and get over. Again, LIVING WITH ANYONE WILL ALWAYS BE A CHALLENGE so now we don't have to be surprised when we get married and find out it isn't "happily ever after" every second in our homes.

Love and marriage is a CHOICE that you have to make everyday and it will be hard but living together first will not solve anything. Courting can show you everything you need to know about a person. There's nothing new that I learned about my husband after we got married because we shared everything and spend so much time together making sure we were right for each other. I knew he had a rough past but I have also been able to see how Christ has changed him and how much in love with Christ he is now! I also made sure that his Christian friends had plenty of good things to say about him which also says alot. So I know there are plenty of ways to find out if the person you are with has a Christ like character without living together first.

I haven't even talked about finding out if you're compatible with your SO yet but I believe that courting allows for many opportunities to find this out too. The main thing is talking and sharing your beliefs and even if both Christian there can be some major differences in beliefs (obviously). Making sure your futures fit together. Babysit together and see how they are with kids. The list is endless and I love making it because these things are what makes courting the right way so much fun!!

The reason why I say so much is because I feel convicted to help my Christian brothers and sisters who are living together outside of marriage see that this is ungodly. The Bible does tell us to not live as the pagans do and this is one of the most extreme ways we can do this. When nonchristians ask why you don't live together you can tell them you don't and tell them you're a Christian, PERFECT witnessing tool. I also am a romantic and think there is nothing more romantic than saving yourself for your wedding night. There's just something about that moment when two become one flesh while being completely holy in God's sight. I have to add that because I know myself and know if I were to live with someone outside of marriage I would have had sex with them, temptation is way too strong!

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

After reading everybody's posts I had to add my thoughts on living together for the purpose of finding out if the SO is fit for marriage. First, living together with anyone that you are in an intimate relationship with will always be a challenge so there actually won't be any surprises when you're married if you understand that. Second, a person's character should be able to shine through enough for you while dating without living together. For example, you're going to know if they are prone to become angry through talking to them about their past and when different situations arise and you get to see how they respond to things. You're also going to know, without living together whether they are an alcoholic or something of the sort which is an immediate warning sign.

The living together part shows you who is the neat freak and who is the slob, who is lazy and who is always active, who is timely and who is always late. Those are things that you WILL fight over and get over. Again, LIVING WITH ANYONE WILL ALWAYS BE A CHALLENGE so now we don't have to be surprised when we get married and find out it isn't "happily ever after" every second in our homes.

Love and marriage is a CHOICE that you have to make everyday and it will be hard but living together first will not solve anything. Courting can show you everything you need to know about a person. There's nothing new that I learned about my husband after we got married because we shared everything and spend so much time together making sure we were right for each other. I knew he had a rough past but I have also been able to see how Christ has changed him and how much in love with Christ he is now! I also made sure that his Christian friends had plenty of good things to say about him which also says alot. So I know there are plenty of ways to find out if the person you are with has a Christ like character without living together first.

I haven't even talked about finding out if you're compatible with your SO yet but I believe that courting allows for many opportunities to find this out too. The main thing is talking and sharing your beliefs and even if both Christian there can be some major differences in beliefs (obviously). Making sure your futures fit together. Babysit together and see how they are with kids. The list is endless and I love making it because these things are what makes courting the right way so much fun!!

The reason why I say so much is because I feel convicted to help my Christian brothers and sisters who are living together outside of marriage see that this is ungodly. The Bible does tell us to not live as the pagans do and this is one of the most extreme ways we can do this. When nonchristians ask why you don't live together you can tell them you don't and tell them you're a Christian, PERFECT witnessing tool. I also am a romantic and think there is nothing more romantic than saving yourself for your wedding night. There's just something about that moment when two become one flesh while being completely holy in God's sight. I have to add that because I know myself and know if I were to live with someone outside of marriage I would have had sex with them, temptation is way too strong!

Wonderful post, kl lorent...WONDERFUL!

 

[nbiol]

You know, I do think each of us has the right and responsibility before God to seek out what we believe is right in his eyes. When the OP asks for advice, that doesn't mean she has to obey, it's often good to listen to what people say as input.

I agree with the advice that has been given - I think moving in would be a bad idea - but I think it's important to be respectful of her right to discern and make her own decision on this. (Like the rest of you, I'm very concerned for her, and hope she chooses wisely.)

Jonathan

I don't think any of us are telling her to 'obey' us..and if it came off like that, sorry. It's not what I meant. Usually, however, a wise person weighs advice from all angles, not just the angle that tells us what we want to hear. Sometimes we ask for advice and the best advice is what we dont want to hear but what we need to hear. Just weighing the advice is good enough. She doesnt have to obey us... we arent dictators who will punish her if she doesn't, but the fact that she doesn't seem to weigh the advice here and take it into consideration is the worrying factor.

I agree that it is her choice, I'm just hoping that she makes a wise choice by listening to people even when/if she doesn't want to.

 

[Bootstrap]

I don't really know whether I think living together with someone would tell me what marriage would be like. It would certainly tell me something, and it would make it harder to ignore some issues that would come up. But people I've talked to who lived together sometime say their relationship changed significantly when they actually got married. And I think just about everyone says their relationship changes in huge ways when they first have a child. And during the course of a marriage, a lot of things happen that can change the way we relate to each other - people mature, go to school, have stressful jobs, lose jobs, go through depression, have medical difficulties, age, sense a calling to do something in particular, downsize their jobs, go back to school, decide to move to the country (successfully or not!) ...

I guess if I really wanted to know for sure what a marriage would be like, I'd like to make a really complete list so we could live together, have kids, and experience all these transitions for 40 years or so. That would tell me for sure if we'd be able to handle a marriage well.

Seriously, if I felt that moving in together was right, I would probably do it to get more data, but I don't think it's right, and I certainly wouldn't want to explain it to our kids. Still, I think the data you would get from that would be limited, and hope nobody expects their marriage to be just like living together before marriage, with no dramatic changes and no big and surprising challenges.

Jonathan

 

[JCFantasy23]

Bootstrap, you're correct on marriage usually being different than living together. I can't agree on no testing required for something as serious as marriage, though. Some people completely change from the person you thought they were when you live together. You see sides of them you didn't know about. I'd like to know that stuff before I signed my life to them. This knowledge has saved me a few times.

 

[Bootstrap]

Bootstrap, you're correct on marriage usually being different than living together. I can't agree on no testing required for something as serious as marriage, though. Some people completely change from the person you thought they were when you live together. You see sides of them you didn't know about. I'd like to know that stuff before I signed my life to them. This knowledge has saved me a few times.

I don't think we're really disagreeing. The rules I play by don't let me test by living together (let me tell you how tempting that is right now ...). But I do think there are other ways to get to know each other (http://christianforums.com/showpost.php?p=47686838&postcount=34), and we're doing things like that.

And I think we both agree that no matter what you do to get to know each other before marriage, there are always changes and surprises afterward.

Jonathan

 

[JCFantasy23]

Very true!

 

[katautumn]

The reason why I say so much is because I feel convicted to help my Christian brothers and sisters who are living together outside of marriage see that this is ungodly. The Bible does tell us to not live as the pagans do and this is one of the most extreme ways we can do this.

Because Pagans are the only people who live together out of wedlock?

When nonchristians ask why you don't live together you can tell them you don't and tell them you're a Christian,

Most non-christians could give a rat's patootie why someone is or is not living together before marriage. This seems to be a preoccupation a handful of Christians have, so I doubt folks are going to have hordes of non-christians asking them, "hey...why aren't you and Sally Sue living together?"

PERFECT witnessing tool.

Not if most people aren't even going to ask. As I said, most of us non-christians don't care what people do or don't do in the privacy of their own homes.

 

[KatacrossthePond]

Most non-christians could give a rat's patootie why someone is or is not living together before marriage. This seems to be a preoccupation a handful of Christians have, so I doubt folks are going to have hordes of non-christians asking them, "hey...why aren't you and Sally Sue living together?"
(...)
Not if most people aren't even going to ask. As I said, most of us non-christians don't care what people do or don't do in the privacy of their own homes.

QFT!!

I've been a Christian for 6 years, and grew up in a thoroughly secular home. My parents and friends simply shake their heads in confusion when/if I tell them about the trouble I'm having about housing (I'm getting thrown out of college accommodation soon, my fiance has a house but we can't get married until I'm ordained because he is divorced - church law at its finest). They just don't get it - and forget witnessing! This is so far removed from common sense and everything else that witnessing doesn't even come into it. They just go "you Christians are nutcases" - and in this case I even have to agree with them.

 

[Windmill]

Kata, I say move in with your bf

I think it would be a better witness in many ways IMHO. Just don't have sex. But at least you'll be seen to be acting as a reasonable human being to them, rather than as a madman which you're starting to think yourself P). You have no home, he does. But its completely your decision