Moving In

[redneckgirl28]

Me and MY boyfriend has been dating for awhile now and I really love him and want to move in with him but I dont know how to tell my Over Protective mom that I want too. any advice?

 

[aunt_kelly]

My advice may not be what you want to hear..... I think you should wait until you are married to move in with him.

 

[redneckgirl28]

no not exactly. but thanks for replying to my post anyway, I always like to hear other peoples advices wheather I like it or not.

 

[Bootstrap]

Me and MY boyfriend has been dating for awhile now and I really love him and want to move in with him but I dont know how to tell my Over Protective mom that I want too. any advice?

Boy, I can relate to this. I'm a lot older than you, I'm probably more your mom's age, but I'm so in love with my girlfriend and I would love to move in with her, it is really frustrating to have to live apart and not have sex.

But I really do think that sex and marriage go together in the Bible, and that it is wisest to wait until you are really ready to get married before moving in.

Frustrating, though ...

Jonathan

 

[peanutbutter12]

What I find amusing is that people from 2 generations ago didn't have near the issues we have today with not moving in with each other before marriage and making it work. That says a lot about our own generation...

 

[peanutbutter12]

What I find amusing is that people from 2 generations ago didn't have near the issues we have today with not moving in with each other before marriage and making it work. That says a lot about our own generation...

 

[redneckgirl28]

yes I am 18, he is 24. I am homeschooled and IF I go to college I will do it online through the schooling I am with now, so that is taken care of. I have a summer job, looking for a full time, he has a really good job also. He already has a house of his own. I can see myself with him forever, I love him so much. But thanks for your conserns and advice. even though none of it really helped any, thanks anyways.

I'm an advocate of living together before marriage, I think it is an important step in making 100% sure that the person you are with is suitable to marry. I found out the hard way with my first marriage that a person can be a completely different individual in their own home/behind closed doors, and it can be a very dangerous thing to find out later rather than sooner.



However, there's a few things to touch on first when you are considering such a move.

- Age: You're 18. Yes, you are an adult. However, you're a young adult there's no question about it. It wasn't long ago that you were considered -not- an adult. 18 can be a fluctuating age still, and you want to consider your own personal stability before making such a choice.

- School: Are you done? Are you going to college? How are you paying for it if you are?

- Work: Do you work? Full time or part time? Do you have enough income to support yourself between yours and his incomes? Do you intend to live off student loans (not typically a good idea, trust me).

[which brings me to Budgeting: Moving out together means you have to pay for - clothing, food, utilities [heat, lights, hot water, etc], health care expenses, transportation, and so on. All on your own. Are you prepared for this?]


- Family: Are you prepared for the consequences of moving out against the wishes of any family members? This can put a real rift in place that can hurt family relationships.

- Marriage: Has it been discussed? Even though I'm a fan of moving in together, I really don't think it's something to be taken lightly. If you are moving in together, I believe you should have first contemplated and discussed marriage at length and make sure you see a future in this relationship.



A couple other things to consider:

Do not go into DEBT to move out with your boyfriend. No credit cards, no lines of credit, no STUDENT LOANS. If you cannot move out under your own income, it's better that you wait until you can both support yourselves. You do not want to be in huge amounts of debt early, and student loans are first and foremost for your -education-.

Make sure you are not pushing school aside to make such a move. School is more important than your boyfriend, -more important than-, read those words carefully. Get an education.

Do not move in with him if he is the only person making MONEY. If the relationship were to turn sour, you would have no way to get out. Have your own personal resources available to you.


None of what I've said is meant to deter you from moving out, but it's meant to challenge your ideas of moving out and make sure you've thought of a lot of these things.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I would caution you not to do it. And I have 2 questions:

1) It's not pretty to think about, but what IF you made the decision to move in with him, and he NEVER asked you to marry him? What if he claimed he was never ready to take the next step? What if you guys even broke up- then what would you do? These are all possibilities.

2) Do you truly believe that premarital sex is okay?

 

[redneckgirl28]

1. I really do think he will ask me to marry him. I really feel like he is the one and only.

2. IF we do happen to break up, but I pray to God that we never ever do, then I can always move back with my mom, and who ever said we were gonna have sex before we are married? might possibly happen but I never said I was going to. I am at his house every day all day so why not move in?

 

[unkern]

Dont move in with him. If you 2 are really that much in love with each other than you can prepare yourselves for marriage and get married first. If thats too hard than its not love. The divorce rate for couples that live with each other moves up from about 50% to 66% when the couples move in with each other first, that alone should say enough about living together. Remember God comes first above all things.

 

[Blank123]

having just watched a friend go through this and how that affected not only his and his gf's lives but that of his immediate family, i'd say wait until you're married to move in. If you're convinced he's the guy for you and he's going to propose anyhow, whats the rush to move in?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

What's the saying-why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? Since you're kinda iffy about having sex, most likely you would once you moved in because I'd bet your bf is going to expect it.

Has he asked you to move in? Is he a Christian? Do you two go to church together? You might want to run this by your pastor if you can't figure out why moving in might not be such a great idea. How long have you been dating?

In the last 5 years I've dated 3 guys who I thought might be the one and they thought so too. The first two were not the ones and we figured that out without living together. Still don't know about the 3rd one, because after 9 months we're dealing with real issues that require logical thinking, not the chemistry that brought us together.

I totally understand about not wanting to leave your bf and wanting to snuggle up for the night, but give him something to look forward to after marriage.

I can also tell you that what you think you want at 18 may not be what you want at 24.

 

[JCFantasy23]

I too believe in living together before marriage under all circumstances. But please realize that at 18 much of the world looks different than it will later. As old as you are, it's hard to realize how young you really are at the same time - if this makes sense (it's a late hour, I'm not terribly clear right now lol) If you feel firmly enough about it and that it's really where your heart is leading you, just be firm in your own mind and tell your mom. It may be rough, but sometimes obstacles stand in the way of what we want (like people who don't agree with our decisions) Make sure to hear her out though, moms have been there before and usually know what they're talking about.

EDITING TO CHANGE: living together under MOST circumstances. I shouldn't have said all, for everyone and each situation differs.

 

[katautumn]

What I find amusing is that people from 2 generations ago didn't have near the issues we have today with not moving in with each other before marriage and making it work. That says a lot about our own generation...

Because people from two generations ago got married when they were the OP's age and sometimes even younger, oftentimes because they were already pregnant. In today's society it's a recipe for disaster getting married at 18, I don't care what anybody says. It annoys me to no end to see people telling someone fresh out of high school, "don't move in. If you're ready to have sex, just get married." That's the most irresponsible advice to give to someone knowing that it will be highly likely the marriage will end in divorce within five years. What's worse? Living together out of wedlock or being a twenty-two year old divorced guy or gal?

Let me tell everyone something. I was married at eighteen. Divorced at nineteen. Does anyone have any idea the horrible stigma that comes with being a divorced woman before you're even legally old enough to drink in the US?

To the OP, I would seriously heed Lynn's advice. She gave you some words of wisdom in terms of not going into debt and making sure you have your bases covered with your family.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

bad idea


I dont know where people come off saying it's a good idea. Because it's just not.

 

[katautumn]

bad idea


I dont know where people come off saying it's a good idea. Because it's just not.

None of us have told the OP it's a "good idea". I, personally, think that at eighteen she's a bit young to make such a huge step, but it's none of my business. I do, however, stand behind Lynn's advice and my belief that living together prior to marriage can be beneficial within the right circumstances. My first marriage, we didn't live together. We were divorced less than two years later. I lived with my current husband for almost a year before we married and we're so in love and committed to one another it's almost silly.

Or, perhaps, you could share with the OP why you think it's a bad idea instead of taking such a passive/aggressive "who do you people think you are" sort of approach?

 

[JCFantasy23]

I don't see how you can know if you'll be happy living with a person in something as permanent as marriage without living with that person first. From experience I know you see sides of people you'd never otherwise see until you've lived with them. There's some old quote I'll befundle now, that goes something like this "You never really know a person until you've lived with them..." I've always found that to be true. Just dating shows different sides. People the first year of dating are different than the second year, and sometimes the third. And ~ it IS possible to live together without sex, so that's not whats being discussed here per se.

 

[AlexeiKaramazov]

None of us have told the OP it's a "good idea". I, personally, think that at eighteen she's a bit young to make such a huge step, but it's none of my business. I do, however, stand behind Lynn's advice and my belief that living together prior to marriage can be beneficial within the right circumstances. My first marriage, we didn't live together. We were divorced less than two years later. I lived with my current husband for almost a year before we married and we're so in love and committed to one another it's almost silly.

Or, perhaps, you could share with the OP why you think it's a bad idea instead of taking such a passive/aggressive "who do you people think you are" sort of approach?

I think it's a fallacy to assume that you would ever need to live with someone in order to know them well enough to decide if they're a candidate for marriage. There are many couples who have had long, happy marriages who never lived together, and there are many couples who lived together, got married, and then divorced shortly.

I don't think your situation is necessarily even a good indicator of the meaning of your own experiences with cohabitation, either. Sure, you cohabitated in your later relationship and it worked out, but weren't you also a much older, more mature person than you were at 18? So you don't really know that living together made the difference. I have always read that studies reveal that couples who cohabitate actually have a higher rate of future divorce than couples who don't, take that as you will.

 

[nbiol]

It's really not a good idea. Yes, we are concerned for you, but we have a basis for our concerns.
1.) The Bible tells us not to do anything that could look like sinning. If you move in with your boyfriend, people will assume, and it will look like you're having premarital sex, whether you are or aren't. Again, this is your decision and we can't make it for you, just like we don't know the boundaries of your relationship, but a man who is six years older than yourself may be wanting different things than you do out of the relationship.

2.) Family concerns. WILL your family take you back if they specifically tell you "We do not want you doing this"? I've seen it happen where people go against parents wishes and if the couple breaks up the parents say "Well, honey, have a nice life. Find somewhere else to live." If your leaving causes a rift in the family, do you want to do it? Would you leave your family all for your boyfriend? In _marriage_ we're called to. In dating, we're still attached to our families. Why not just look at marriage?

3.) Faith. Does he hold the same faith as you do? If he doesn't, would that be cause for concern if he doesn't want to go to church with you?j

What I find most concerning is that you ask for advice, yet when people give it, if it's not what you want to hear, you brush it off. It seems as if you've already made up your mind, you just want us to affirm you. *shrug* Not the best idea, IMHO.

 

[unkern]

I rebuke you, these are peoples live were discussing here. Before you go and tell someone to live a life unGodly go and do your homework. This could affect them and their friends and family in a detrimental way, therefore you will be judged.